Chapter 2: Trial By (Ketchup) Fire

The streets of downtown had transformed into a rejected MMORPG beta test. Jayden stepped over a shattered phone screen displaying someone's half-finished tweet: *"wtf I just grew tentac-"* before the pavement cracked beneath his sneakers.

**[SUGGESTION: TEST YOUR ABILITY]**

"Yeah, no shit," Jayden muttered, dodging a flying skateboard propelled by some kid's new telekinesis. He flexed his hands like he'd seen in anime. "Super strength!"

Nothing.

"Laser eyes!"

Zilch.

"At least give me a goddamn stats screen or-"

A guttural roar cut through the chaos. Emerging from the alley behind Taco Bell was a nightmare of green muscle and bad dentistry - seven feet of hunched malice wielding a stop sign like a battleaxe.

**[Goblinoid Overgrunt - Lvl 5]**

**[Warning: Newly Awakened Humans Not Recommended For Combat]**

The creature sniffed the air, beady eyes locking onto Jayden with disturbing intelligence. Its nostrils flared.

"...Shit." Jayden backpedaled as it raised its weapon. His heel hit something plastic - a half-empty ketchup bottle abandoned near a hot dog cart.

The goblin charged.

In pure panic, Jayden grabbed the bottle and squeezed like his life depended on it (which it did). A pathetic arc of ketchup splattered across the creature's leathery chest, forming a sad crimson Rorschach blot.

The Overgrunt froze.

**[Freakish Act Detected: Condiment Warfare]**

**[Temporary Buff Acquired: Condiment-Based Intimidation]**

For three heartbeats, nothing moved except a single drop of ketchup sliding down the goblin's pecs. Then its face twisted in primal horror. With a shriek that would haunt Jayden's dreams, it turned and fled, dropping its stop sign with a clatter.

Jayden stared at the bottle. "Huh."

Across the street, a woman in yoga pants gaped at him. "Did you just... ketchup a goblin to death?"

"I prefer to think of it as aggressive condiment redistribution."

**[System Notification: Please Stop Breaking The Rules.]**

The message flickered with what Jayden could swear was existential fatigue. He grinned and gave the empty bottle a theatrical twirl.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he announced to the gathering crowd, "welcome to the freak show."

**[New Reputation Unlocked: "Condiment Crusader"]**

**[Effect: Minor enemies now have 15% chance to flee at sight of condiments]**

Somewhere in the multiverse, a system administrator screamed into a digital void.