My beginning

The sun dipped below the horizon, bleeding hues of amber and crimson into the sky. It looked like a king surrendering his crown, noble in its descent, yet steady in its duty to light the world one last time before the night claimed its reign.

I sat at the edge of the bridge, my legs dangling over the rushing water below, the cool evening air biting against my skin. This bridge had always been my mother's favourite spot, a place she came to think, to escape, to breathe.

Now it was mine.

Every evening, I found myself here, watching as the day drifted to darkness. Below, the rhythmic babble of the stream was the only sound that didn't feel oppressive.

It softened the weight in my chest, just enough to remind me I could still feel something other than dread. This place, with its quiet strength, is my only refuge from all chaos.

At home, I wished I was invisible and at school, I still wasn't so lucky. There, the taunts and torment were inescapable. But at home, my father's anger was more than words-it was fists... His blows never just landed on my skin; but carved deeper wounds into parts of me I couldn't see.

"Why can't you just disappear," he'd said, his voice cold and final. The words still echo in my mind, sharper than any slap, what i fear to be an ever-lasting bruise.

My fingers ran along the rough wood of the railing, the texture keeping my body in the present. Yet, my thoughts drifted, unbidden, to the events of the past month. The fights with my father. The pain wrapped itself around me like, threatening to kill. And school wasn't any better. I had my best friend, Sarah, but she's really gone now.

Her boyfriend, Liam, had always been... attentive. Though I never wanted it, never asked for it, there was something intoxicating about being noticed, about feeling wanted when every other part of my life made me feel worthless. That night, when he leaned in, I froze. A part of me yearned for the affection I'd been so desperate for, but the moment our lips met, regret consumed me like fire. I pulled away, my heart pounding with guilt and shame.

It was a mistake. A terrible, selfish mistake. And I knew it immediately. But the damage was done.

Sarah didnt find out ; not until I told her. But even though the words, twisted, slipped through my lips ; she yielded them and sharpened it, using not just my words of that present to hurt me but the words of my past to jab at my mind and heart, my sanity diminishing. The way she flipped on me didnt hurt ; i know i deserve it. What hurts is the weight of the truth she spoke. I knew she hadn't always cared for me the way I'd cared for her, but I never imagined one could despise me this much.

And Liam. His sweet whispers turned bitter the moment Sarah found out. He was everything she came to be and more feeding her lies like a vulnerable dog seeking false hope. But she's drugged on that hope and if I dared to help her i would only be torn, and I have been torn one, two, many times.

My siblings always seemed tattered too. The look in their eyes grown more heart wrenching by the day. The youngest, Grace, still looks at me with something like love, though it is always tinged with pity. She'd take my hand sometimes, her small fingers squeezing mine as if to remind me I wasn't completely alone.

Her siblings though, Aaron and Lily, were more rebellious, their defiance a mirror to the chaos inside me. They didn't say it outright, but I could feel their resentment. Maybe they blamed me for the hollow imitation of a mother I was. But honestly, they were right.

The sun kissed the edge of the horizon, its light dimming as my shadow stretched long over the bridge, at first glance it was a silent sentinel belittling me, but at the third glance the creature looked just as incompetent, just as powerless as its reflector. My thoughts spiraled, a tangled mess of guilt, anger, and exhaustion. I leaned forward, the wood creaking under my weight. The water below rushed on, oblivious to my pain, its endless current a sharp contrast to the stagnation I felt in my soul.

A part of me wanted to let go, to let the stream carry me somewhere far away from all this, but I couldn't. I had not the courage, nor the stomach for all the guilt I would obtain if I let go and lived on.

Ofcourse it didn't take long to know this, but the hope for an accident foolishly settled inside me. A hope for an escape from the consequence that comes with choices. A sad kind of desire that tried to cover the holes in my heart; a false hope I now understood as another measle form of escape.

As the first stars began to dot the sky, I heard footsteps behind me, light and deliberate. I turned, startled, my heart pounding in my chest. There, standing at the edge of the path, was a boy. His features were soft yet striking, his presence both calming and unsettling.

He looked at me with an intensity that made me feel seen, truly seen, for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice gentle but firm. It was a question that carried weight, as though he already knew the answer but needed me to say it.

I parted my lips to respond, but no words came out. I'd been sitting still, barely aware of the passage of time. But now, when I touched my face, It felt moist. I hadn't noticed how many tears had fallen, how many had dried without me even knowing. For the first time in weeks, I felt something different, and the darkness didn't feel so...

....

consuming.