Ch 3

I don't even know where to start. It's hard for me to tell my story, and every time I try, there's this... barrier that stops me. So, I always end up telling it in third person, as if it happened to someone else. That way, it feels easier.

Deep breath. *Sigh.* Let me just get it out.

There was this family of five—a wife, a husband, two young girls, and their younger brother, James. James was an innocent child, until one day, his friend took that innocence away and exposed him to pornography. It was like a switch was flipped, forcing him into a world he wasn't ready for.

At first, he saw a naked body. Then it became something he and his friends discussed—what to watch, what was 'best,' what they were attracted to. James didn't really understand what was happening. It felt like a new layer of confusion and desire that he couldn't control. Things took a darker turn when he stumbled upon categories that disturbed him, specifically those involving moms and sisters.

He started watching those kinds of videos a lot, from fifth grade all the way through high school. During that time, his family adopted a girl whose family had died in an accident. She was nine years old, just like James—only a few months apart. Life moved forward, but the weight of those early experiences lingered in the background, shaping who he was becoming.

And because of the videos James watched, he couldn't erase them from his mind. They would pop up from time to time, uninvited, like shadows that clung to his thoughts. By the time he reached high school, his feelings started to shift. He would look at his mother and no longer see her simply as his mother. He told himself it was normal, that it was just passing thoughts.

Days went by, and his sisters—who were 25 and 23 at the time—visited often. They lived nearby and stayed over at his family's house almost every week. But one day, James noticed something unsettling. He was looking at them, not as his sisters, but with a feeling of desire that was deep down.

At first, he tried to convince himself that it was normal. He thought, *"It's natural for a man to be attracted to a woman."* But the fact that it was his family made it all the more confusing and troubling. He tried to rationalize it, telling himself, *"Maybe I just love them. Maybe this is what love feels like."*

James was desperate to make those feelings acceptable, to turn them into something he could live with. But deep down, he knew there was something wrong, something he couldn't fully confront or understand.

To be continued....