Prologue

⚠️ CONTENT WARNING ⚠️

This book contains explicit scenes of violence, physical and psychological abuse, drug use, sex, and sexual assault. The content may be disturbing to some readers and is not recommended for sensitive individuals or those under the legal age.

If any of these themes affect you or trigger negative emotions, please read with caution or protect your emotional well-being by avoiding this book.

Playlist:

Chaotic - Ellise

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

Lacrymosa - Evanescence

Russian Roulette - Rihanna

⸻

Tucson, Arizona

Three years ago

I bit my lower lip, trying to hold back my tears. I knew this wasn't a good idea, but I trusted myself and my talent.

Some talent!

If I were as good as I thought, I wouldn't have ended up being their joke.

His joke.

I stepped off the small stage, ignoring the laughter of my friends—his laughter—that had shattered the last shred of confidence I had left. Embarrassed, I walked toward Xavier, bracing myself for the worst. I knew he wouldn't scold me in front of everyone, and that scared me the most.

"Come on, Vi, don't cry! It was bad enough hearing you screech on stage; I don't want to hear you whine too!"

"Shut up, Lana!" Xavier snapped at her.

Even though he had laughed too, he was defending me.

Maybe I hadn't sung that badly.

Everyone stopped laughing, not just her. I knew they were afraid of him. Even I was afraid of him sometimes—but he loved me. As long as I didn't upset him, I had nothing to fear… but I had just upset him.

He was the one who convinced me to sing in front of everyone. He picked the song, the outfit, and the stage. And yet, I had chosen to sing the song I wrote and to wear my own comfortable, modest clothes instead of the short skirt and sparkly top. Maybe if I had listened to him…

I counted my steps toward him, keeping my gaze fixed on the floor. Looking at him now was the last thing I wanted to do. I was afraid of what I'd see. I knew he was angry—even though he had laughed, he did it to keep his control.

I didn't blame him. It was my fault.

He always knew what was best for me. He knew what clothes suited me best, how I looked best with makeup, and which songs were perfect for me. He had even told me my song was garbage and that I should never show it to anyone.

I was such an idiot for not listening!

Only ten steps separated us, but I still didn't have the courage to look him in the eyes. My gaze remained fixed on his white sneakers as I nervously played with the hem of my shirt.

"Look at me."

I flinched as his harsh voice echoed in the now too-quiet room. I bit my lip until I tasted the metallic tang of blood and lifted my gaze, peering up at him through my lashes. I shivered slightly when I met his cold stare. I couldn't hold back my tears anymore; a few rolled down my burning cheeks.

I opened my mouth to apologize, but he tilted his head, signaling me to stop.

I knew I had really messed up this time.

I couldn't stop shaking. I didn't need words to know what awaited me at home.

But I knew I deserved it.

He only punished me when I deserved it. If I didn't know how he felt about me, I'd think he wanted to torture me in the worst possible ways. At least, that's what his eyes said.

His killer stare—as his friends called it—was unfamiliar to me. He almost never used it on me, only on those who truly angered him. I had only seen it once before, when Jason scratched his car. Jason had ended up in the hospital for two weeks after that.

But I never thought I'd be the reason he looked like that again.

I finally understood why they called it the killer stare. The combination of his eyes, furrowed brows, and clenched jaw made him look like a true murderer.

One ready to rip you apart. Ready to kill you in cold blood.

And I was his victim.

"Wait for me in the car," he said in a calmer tone, but I knew it was just the quiet before the storm.

I nodded obediently and walked toward the exit of the studio immediately. I didn't want to make him angrier. I pushed the metal door open, stepping outside.

Summer nights in Tucson were warm, but I couldn't stop trembling.

I stopped walking, trying to calm my racing heart. It wasn't the first time I had angered him, but it was the first time I had pushed him this far.

I knew he wouldn't do anything to me… nothing that would leave scars, at least.

My blood turned to ice when the door behind me was shoved open violently, slamming against the outer wall.

I started toward the car, my legs like jelly, followed by his heavy footsteps.

I felt him watching my every move. I was his prey.

His perfect prey.

I didn't rush—I was fully aware that these were my last moments of peace.

As I walked through the dimly lit parking lot, searching for his car, I suddenly felt a strong yank on my shoulder, pulling me back violently. Before I could react, my back slammed against something cold and hard.

I gasped in pain from the impact and flinched when the car alarm went off.

I would have lost my balance if he hadn't still been gripping my shoulder, his fingers tightening painfully.

A whimper escaped me as tears flooded my cheeks.

He looked downright ferocious above me, his body towering over mine completely. His height and built physique were the perfect weapons for intimidating anyone—especially for subjugating me.

He leaned in close, kissing me roughly, our teeth clashing.

I kissed him back immediately.

This wasn't a passionate kiss—it was wild, full of fury. A kiss meant to calm him down.

Or to punish me.

Who was I kidding?

Punishment wasn't supposed to feel this sweet.

His other hand tangled in my hair, gripping the blonde strands with anger.

I reached for his shoulders, but he yanked my hair, breaking the kiss.

"Take your clothes off," he ordered coldly.

I frowned, confused.

He didn't actually expect me to strip in the middle of the parking lot, did he?

Before I could protest, he grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up aggressively.

I resisted, yanking it back down.

"Vireya!" he growled. "If you want to play games, I'll give you a game. Take it off. I won't say it again."

His voice no longer sounded like the man I loved.

"…Okay."

I whispered, and he let go of me.

My palms were sweaty, my skin tingling with fear.

I swallowed hard, glancing around nervously.

I wrapped my arms around myself, but it didn't stop my trembling.

He leaned against the car, watching me intently. He lit a cigarette, nodding toward me.

I bit my tongue, nervous.

He didn't want to have sex here.

He wanted to toy with me.

To see how obedient I was.

To see if I would still dare to defy him.

I didn't want to make things worse.

As much as I wanted to beg him to leave, I knew that would only make it worse.

I'd only be hurting myself if I didn't listen to him.

I decided it was best to play along with his game. I started taking off my shoes, then timidly unbuttoned my jeans and unzipped them. I could hear my heart pounding with fear at the thought of being seen by someone else, but I pulled my pants down as sensually as I could, looking only at him. He took a slow drag from his cigarette, devouring me with his gaze. I'd be lying if I said the whole situation didn't excite me in some way. Everything about him did, even now, when I knew that all I was getting was just a fragment of my punishment.

Maybe I'm crazy. Too crazy for him.

I got rid of my jeans, but my T-shirt still covered me down to my thighs. I grabbed the hem and pulled it up just as slowly. I wanted to tease him a little; no matter how angry he was, this was my moment to torment him just a bit. I could see it clearly in his eyes—I was succeeding, even though I was only making him angrier. I didn't care. I wanted him to want me so badly that he'd forget my mistake. I pulled the shirt over my head and stood in my underwear, obediently waiting for his next command.

"Did I tell you to stop?" His voice sent all the blood boiling in my veins, adrenaline taking full control of me.

"Why don't you come and finish it yourself?" I asked in an innocent tone.

He laughed, but without amusement.

"You're playing with fire, and it's going to burn you badly."

He approached me slowly, the danger radiating from his eyes. It didn't take him long to reach me. I gasped when, without any warning, he tore off my underwear and bra. He leaned in until his lips brushed against my ear and whispered:

"You have two seconds to run, or I'll punish you right here."

I bolted without a second thought. If I had thought I could win this game before, I now knew for certain that I couldn't.

I had no chance against him.

I didn't care that I was completely naked. I ran between the cars, trying to remember where his was parked. If I weren't drowning in adrenaline, my body would have felt every sharp sting from the rocks digging into my bare feet. I could have stepped on broken glass and felt nothing. I slowed down when I spotted his car less than five meters away. A very bad move, because in the next second, I was snatched up by strong arms and lifted into the air.

He took a few more steps with me in his grasp and then slammed me down against the side of the car, my stomach hitting the door hard. I groaned in pain, my bare breasts taking the worst of the impact. His heavy body pressed against mine, nearly suffocating me. I wasn't claustrophobic, but his presence made me feel like I was—the air becoming harder to breathe.

"You lost. What if I punish you right here?"

He unzipped his pants, pushing his erection between my cheeks.

"Please, no!" I pleaded, my voice trembling with fear. His game was going way too far.

But I couldn't resist.

As long as I didn't fight back, it wouldn't be that bad.

He grabbed my hair with one hand, yanking my head back violently, making me whimper in pain. His other hand braced against the car as he continued rubbing himself against me, faster and faster. He suddenly stopped, his breath ragged against my hair. He moved his hand toward his boxers, ready to pull them down. A cold shiver ran down my spine, and my legs weakened as if they refused to hold me up anymore.

I preferred that he took his revenge this way.

It would be less painful.

I tried to collect myself, to give him what he wanted, slightly spreading my legs, preparing to let him in.

"Xavier, man, I thought you were leaving!"

Jason's voice echoed from the distance, his footsteps growing closer.

I held my breath, shaken by his unexpected appearance, but luckily, Xavier reacted before I could even process what was happening. He wrapped one arm around my waist, pressing me against his tense abdomen. I felt so small in his arms, his massive body blocking his friend's curious gaze. He stepped back just enough to open the car door and ordered me inside.

I obeyed, relieved that the windows were tinted.

No matter how angry he was, I was still his.

No one was allowed to touch or even look at what belonged to him.

I watched as Xavier walked around the car and got in without acknowledging Jason. He started the engine and sped out of the parking lot. I was relieved that the streets were mostly empty—he had a bad habit of driving fast when he was angry. Or maybe he was doing it to punish me. He knew how much I hated speed.

I turned to look at him, cursing Jason in my mind. If I had managed to calm him down even a little, his idiot friend had ruined everything in seconds. My boyfriend was even more furious now, and I was the one who was going to pay for it—literally. His hands gripped the wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white from the pressure, and his murderous glare was back.

Guilt consumed me, making me regret my disobedience even more. As much as I wanted to blame Jason, I knew it was my fault.

I just wanted to make him feel better, to not be mad at me anymore.

I turned fully toward him, tied my hair into a ponytail, and leaned down toward his erection, relieved that it was still just as visible.

I didn't want to do this, but I knew it would help him release all his tension.

With trembling hands and shaky breaths, I moved closer. I didn't even get to touch him.

Without looking at me, he grabbed my ponytail and yanked me back violently. I lost my balance, and before I could react, my head slammed against the cold car window. I groaned in pain, salty tears forming in the corners of my eyes. The pain spread instantly, a sharp pulse throbbing in my temple.

"Put your seatbelt on!" he said with a threatening coldness, still staring at the road.

I swallowed the painful lump in my throat and obeyed. He was driving at a reckless speed, but I didn't want to risk telling him to slow down and make him even angrier. Only now did I notice that we were no longer on the highway but on a desert road. Through the window, I saw an endless stretch of dust and rocks. My heart pounded violently, as if trying to escape from my chest. I felt him move beside me. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye without turning my head. Every part of my body was paralyzed with fear.

He pulled out a small bag from the back of his pants, containing a fine white powder. I swallowed hard as he opened the bag and carelessly snorted a large amount. When he was done, he tossed the bag onto my lap, making me flinch.

"Take some."

It wasn't the first time he had done drugs in front of me, but it was the first time he wanted me to do it too. I had never been tempted, and he loved that about me. He always appreciated my innocence, often telling me that it was one of the reasons he loved me.

He worshipped my purity.

Maybe this was just a test. Maybe he wanted to see if I could stay just as perfect for him. Or maybe he wanted to destroy me. Destroy everything I am, everything I was, and everything I will be… No… he's not like that… he loves me!

"I don't want to." I said softly, staring out the window. I refused to look at him or at the powder on my lap.

It's just a test. He doesn't actually want me to do this.

I tried to reassure myself, but my world crumbled when he slammed his foot down on the gas pedal and snatched the bag from my lap, forcing it against my nose. I tried to turn away, but my head was trapped against the headrest. I held my breath, refusing to inhale the powder. I started struggling, trying to push his hand away, but I had no strength against him.

Desperate, I opened my mouth and gasped for air when I felt my lungs burning from lack of oxygen. Frustrated, still pressing the gas pedal, he turned toward me and covered my mouth with his other hand. My eyes widened in terror. He wasn't looking at the road anymore—only at me.

"Snort it!" he shouted, his face inches from mine.

Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face as panic and helplessness took over. No matter how much I fought, I knew I couldn't win. I had no way to escape him. His palm crushed against my mouth with brutal force, making me give in and inhale the powder deeply. He released me when I started coughing uncontrollably, my airways rebelling against the intrusion. I clutched my throat desperately, trying to calm myself, but the coughing fits kept coming, making me feel weaker and weaker.

A wave of nausea gripped my stomach, and the air burned as it scraped against my throat, leaving a sharp, stinging pain.

I was trembling uncontrollably. Anxiety and paranoia took hold of me. I sobbed, waiting for my death sentence. If the speed didn't kill me, he certainly would. Desperate to escape, I unbuckled my seatbelt and tried to open the car door, but it was locked.

I was afraid of dying. But I was more afraid of him.

And so was death itself.

I screamed, kicked, and yanked at the handle repeatedly, but nothing worked. Xavier started laughing, entertained by my breakdown. The car came to a sudden stop, slamming me into the dashboard. Everything went dark for a second. I struggled to regain my senses, but my entire body was consumed by excruciating pain.

Dizzy, I lifted my throbbing head, feeling a warm liquid trickling down from my forehead. The door flung open violently, and the cold desert air shocked me back to reality. It was much colder here.

I gasped in pain when I was yanked from the car and thrown face-down onto the cold desert sand. I didn't even know why I was here—my memories were blurred—but my mind screamed one desperate word:

Run!

I clenched the sand in my fists, trying to push myself up. I screamed in agony through my tears when an unbearable pressure crushed my right calf. I tried to free myself, but the pain only worsened, growing more excruciating by the second.

I looked back and saw Xavier pressing his foot down with all his strength, ensuring I had no chance of escaping. I begged him between sobs to stop, but he didn't hear me.

"So small and helpless." His tone was sharp, devoid of any emotion.

I really was small and helpless. The thought frustrated me, but not because he was right—because out of everyone, he was the one who made me this way. Nothing more than a doll in his hands, molded however he pleased.

Why do I love him?

The pressure on my leg disappeared, but the pain remained. I wanted to run, to fight, but I felt completely powerless. I closed my eyes, battling unconsciousness.

I didn't know how much time had passed—I was surrounded by silence and darkness.

Maybe he left.

Maybe he abandoned me to die alone in the wilderness.

I wished that were true.

I felt myself being flipped over effortlessly, the cold sand now pressing against my back. I covered my face with my hands, disturbed by a blinding light. I wanted to see where it was coming from, but it was too bright, and I could barely keep my eyes open.

The fainting spell took over me. Events blurred together, as if reality was shattering around me. Everything felt disjointed, every detail scattered, and I was trapped in a chaos of fragmented images.

I could feel him forcing himself between my legs.

I tried to fight—or at least, that's what my mind convinced me I was doing. I could no longer tell the difference between reality and illusion.

I didn't know if I was having a nightmare or living one.

Everything faded around me, and my body became increasingly numb.

Darkness swallowed me whole.

But it was better to faint now than to endure what was about to happen to me in his hands.

I hoped i woulde die.

I wanted to die

And so did he.