It took such a short time to start to hate her.

Two and a half months in, all I knew was that I was tired of her. I wanted some time alone, but how was I supposed to ask for that when all she wanted was to be around me. I thought that's all it was, thoughts of breaking up creeping in on me from the darker recesses of my mind, but the more hopeful part telling me that I needed to hold on; I can't leave, I need to stick it out because everyone goes through something like this in a relationship. I was wrong. 

It was only this past week, as so far I've only been writing this from Monday and now it's Thursday, and that's how long it took for me to hate her. It took three days. Three days of me writing how I felt, three days of thinking about it and stressing over it (and her). It took me three days to hate someone I love. Maybe I had hated her for a while, but I didn't find the exact word for how I felt until yesterday. And I do, I think I hate her, and that's such a strong word and it shouldn't have taken three days to start to hate someone I'm with but I am so tired of her and everything she does. I feel like I'm constantly being reigned in and only recently have I started to express my darker tendencies.

I'm a hater, I know I am. I'm not nice, I'm not proper, but she is and that's why I don't think we'll work. I'm picking every word, every phrase and even every noise when I'm talking to her or with her, and I've grown so weary of it. I'm not psychotic or lack emotion at all, that's not what I mean. I just feel like her abundance of love, for me and others, is something I will never be able to match properly. I am lacking where she is overflowing, and to be quite frank, it shows. I am very obviously different from her in that aspect, and I think that's why the more I dwelled on my unhappiness this week, the quicker my hate came. 

Hate is easy to me; love is hard. I can hate so greatly, so easily, because people are more bad than they are good, and I truly believe that. It doesn't show, I want to believe the best in people, but I know deep down that everyone is selfish, greedy, and harbors hate for at least one person in the world, no matter what they tell you. People will disappoint you, make you angry, make you want to harm them, and they will let you down no matter how great you think they are. She ddoesn't think like this… sometimes I think I'm the only one who does. Maybe that's why I'm so protective. When I find someone to love, I'd do anything to protect them from the horrors of the real world.

I thought her love would be good for me, that I'd learn how to love from her. I haven't. If anything, it's just shown me that loving like that is weak. You feel bad about every misstep taken, you feel guilty about something even when it isn't your fault, you apologize for everything (and I mean everything) and you ultimately inadvertently make everything about yourself. It's narcissism, in its own way. You're weak. You can't stand up for yourself out of fear of hurting another person, you just stay meek and mild and let everyone step all over you, and then apologize for it. Watching another person who is like that… I don't think I respect her. She's weak, and that's so cruel to say but she is. She cries whenever she has any strong emotion, and I don't like it. It makes me feel inadequate in my own emotions, as if I'm never feeling enough. She makes me feel like I might be a psychopath. Who is supposed to match her emotions? There are so many of them and they're so great that there is absolutely no room for mine. 

She once wrote me a letter, and in it, I specifically remember she wrote, "Feel. You have permission." At the time, it made me cry because I felt validated, but now part of me wonders if this was her way of deflecting her own emotions and making me feel as though I could speak my mind and tell her about all of my emotions when that just ultimately isn't true. Part of it is this: her emotions take up so much room that I don't think mine would matter much. How am I supposed to complain about feeling sad and down when she feels it 10x more? Am I supposed to just ignore that it always turns back around on her? Am I just supposed to ignore that if I cry, she will too, and then I am the one who feels guilty about crying and showing emotion? I go from being sad to having to take care of her and how is that fair? This is a relationship! We're supposed to take care of each other, not me taking care of her all the time!

Maybe it's unfair to talk like this, to seemingly invalidate her emotions and her "big feelings" but I don't care anymore. I hate it now. It took three days for me to realize that I hate her. I still love her, but there's also hate. How strange it is to feel like this, to feel both anger and care, love and resentment, hate and joy… well maybe not joy, not anymore. I want to keep caring for her but I'm giving away pieces of myself to do that, and that just isn't fair to either of us, but certainly not me. I'm the one suffering the most now, not her. Her emotions don't get room in me anymore, I have to make room for myself too. If this hate has nowhere to reside, I'm likely to send this to her and send her spiraling. Frankly, I'm scared that if I sent this to her, she'd get near-suicidal. This is her greatest fear, being too much for another person. I should have listened to her. I should have squashed that crush quickly and instead just kept being her friend.