We broke up.

I'm happier, truly, I am, but I feel I am still being manipulated. She wrote me a letter, and it was very sweet, but at what cost? "I can't take my love back." What does that even mean? I get that some people can't reverse the clock, so is there something wrong with me? Did I even love her like I thought I did? Her letter, instead of alleviating some worries and making me feel as though I am validated in my feelings, made me feel like a villain. It made me feel as though there is nothing that will be right with us again, and that it's my fault for allowing her to love me. I didn't ask for that! I thought it would be okay, I truly did, but I started getting so clammy and suffocated that it all just tumbled out of my mouth when I told her. I didn't tell her everything, just that I was feeling as though this wasn't good, that I don't think I'm meant for relationships, but it did come up later that I was feeling suffocated. What exactly did they think I meant by "I want some space" whenever I asked for it? Is it so hard to imagine that someone just wants to be alone, even if you never do? 

I feel like it was all turned on its head and now it's my fault for wanting to end it. Sure, maybe it is, but she didn't need to do all that, inadvertently blaming me for my inability to feel happy in a relationship. She made me feel… I don't have words for it yet. I don't think I ever will. I just want to move on, maybe fuck a couple people, and be done with it all. That sounds a little wrong, but I stand by it. I don't want a relationship, but I'm down with some casual sex. Unfortunately, now that I've had this relationship, which I thought was so amazing and that it would be my forever, I understand that that isn't possible. I'm meant to be alone, and I'm coming to terms with that. There were some other things that happened that made me feel bad too, but those are unrelated to her. 

I hope she never figures out that I hated her while also still loving her. I had to figure out myself before I could do anything else, and this is the conclusion I've come to. This isn't a progression of words of a dying relationship… It's a progression of words from my last relationship. I don't want anyone else, ever. I want nothing more than the fantasy of a relationship. I want to imagine and dream, but I don't want the real thing. Maybe there's something off about that, something weird that needs to be studied or dissected in my own mind, but that's where I'm at now. I don't want anyone. I only want friends, family, and pets. I don't want to get married, maybe out of convenience or for money, but not for love. Someone, as has been in all my relationships, will always love me more than I love them, and that terrifies me and makes me feel as though I am insignificant and wrong in my desires. So I'll let her go, as I've let them go before, and I'll pray that anyone I tangle with in the future knows that it will be pointless to love me.