Chapter 76

Chapter 76

It was a bright, warm Christmas Eve morning in Malibu, and Charlie Harper was already in celebration mode. He stood at the kitchen counter in his silk pajamas, humming with more enthusiasm than musicality as he poured half a bottle of bourbon into a giant bowl of eggnog.

> "Joy to the world, I'm getting laid," he sang under his breath with a smirk. "I'm getting laid tonight…"

He dropped a cinnamon stick into the mix, stirred, and took a generous sip. It burned exactly how he liked it. This was shaping up to be the perfect holiday: no family drama, no freeloaders—just him, a roaring fire, and Gloria in nothing but a red ribbon.

From the hallway, Jake entered, barefoot and already dressed in jeans and a dark hoodie. His FacePad was tucked under one arm, and a cinnamon roll in the other.

> "You're in a good mood," Jake said, raising a brow.

> "You bet I am," Charlie replied, still grinning. "Tonight, your uncle's getting a very special Christmas present, and I'm not talking about socks."

Jake gave him a dry look as he bit into the pastry.

> "Please tell me you didn't spike the cinnamon rolls."

> "Not yet. But don't tempt me."

---

The doorbell rang.

Charlie let out a small groan and walked over to answer it, already hoping it wasn't someone looking to kill the mood. He opened the door to find Alan, holding a store-bought pie and wearing that hopeful, sheepish expression he always had when he wanted something.

> "No," Charlie said immediately.

> "Merry Christmas to you, too," Alan replied, brushing past him into the living room.

> "You're leaving too, right?" Charlie asked, trailing him.

Yes, relax," Alan said, setting the pie down. "I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater all by myself… just so you can have sex tonight."

You can have sex too," Charlie muttered. "Just pick the right movie theater."

Jake entered behind them, hoodie now on, ready to go.

"Jake! Time to go!" Charlie called. "Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes."

"Got it," Jake said flatly, already walking to the door.

"Ho, ho, ho. That's another option."

The doorbell rang again.

This time, it was Judith and Herb, looking festive and exhausted in equal measure. Judith was holding a wrapped gift. Herb had his arm dutifully around her shoulder, sipping from a thermos.

Merry Christmas!" they both chimed.

Yeah, swell," Charlie grunted. "I'll go get the kid."

As Charlie disappeared down the hall, Judith spotted the eggnog and headed straight for it.

Ooh, eggnog," she said, already pouring a glass.

Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us," Herb reminded her.

That's why I need eggnog."

Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents," Herb added.

Alan, ever the meddler, cut in.

Oh really? Your mom's out of rehab?"

Judith shot him a sharp look.

Yes, Alan, my mom's out of rehab."

Actually," Herb offered, "she kind of jumped the fence."

Alan chuckled. "Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law. Might as well get used to it. Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawnmower?"

Herb smiled nostalgically.

On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol."

Jake reappeared from down the hall, earbuds hanging around his neck, gift bag in hand.

Come on," Charlie said. "Your mom's here. Vamos."

In the kitchen, Berta called out without looking up.

Table's set on the deck and dinner's in the oven."

Got it," Charlie called back.

You might wanna keep the candles away from the eggnog."

I'll risk it."

Berta made her way toward the door with her purse and coat.

Alright then. I'm leaving now."

Well, goodbye and thanks," Charlie said.

Yeah. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

All the best.

Same to you.

She turned at the door with a deadpan stare.

Gimme my bonus, you blockhead.

Charlie sighed and handed her a folded bill from his robe. She didn't move.

I couldn't get along without you.

Still no reaction.

You're one in a million.

She blinked.

Really? What would Jesus do?

Charlie muttered something under his breath and emptied his wallet into her hand.

Back in the living room, Judith poured herself a second glass of eggnog.

I'll have another."

Sweetie," Herb said gently, "my parents are waiting."

I know, dear."

Alan leaned over to Charlie.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?"

Charlie sighed and raised his eggnog like a weary captain saluting a sinking ship.

Okay. Merry Christmas to all. And to all: a goodbye."

Hang on," Berta shouted from the door. "I got a long bus ride and I don't wanna sober up halfway home."

As she walked out, Charlie stood motionless, eyeing the door like it might attack again.

And just as he turned to refill his glass—

Ding dong.

The doorbell rang again.

Charlie didn't even try to hide his exasperation this time. He marched over, flung the door open, and—of course—it was Kandi, standing there with wide, watery eyes and a fluffy white coat draped over her shoulders like she was auditioning for a holiday perfume ad.

Hi," she said softly.

Alan blinked in surprise, already halfway off the couch.

Kandi? What are you doing here?

I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve," she said, pouting. "And I didn't know where else to go."

Where's your new boyfriend?" Alan asked.

He decided to spend Christmas with his family."

Why didn't he bring you along?

He thought I would make his wife uncomfortable."

Charlie winced. "Wow."

Alan, clearly unfazed, stepped aside and waved her in.

Oh, sweetie, come on in.

Charlie raised both hands like he was conducting a traffic stop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa—I've got company coming, remember?"

I can't just throw her out," Alan argued.

How do you know if you don't try?" Charlie fired back.

Lighten up. It's Christmas," Alan shrugged.

From the corner of the room, Jake observed the exchange silently. He didn't speak. He didn't need to. The look on his face screamed, None of you have boundaries.

Alan, trying to smooth things over, gestured toward the others.

You remember Judith.

Hi, Judith," Kandi smiled.

Hello," Judith said curtly.

And this is her fiancé, Herb."

Hi, Herb."

Hi," Herb replied—though his attention had dropped slightly lower, eyes locking onto Kandi's cleavage as he reached for her coat.

Oh my golly," he muttered without thinking.

Judith shot him a death glare sharp enough to slice through bone.

Well, I guess we should get going," she said icily.

What's the hurry?" Herb asked, still flustered.

Your parents are waiting, remember?

What do you care? They don't like you anyway."

Jake's brows lifted. He didn't even try to hide his amusement at that one.

Trying to recover, Herb reached out with a festive grin.

Eggnog?

"Thank you," Kandi replied cheerfully.

You're welcome. I'm a doctor."

A real one or like Alan?"

I'm a pediatrician."

Wow. So you're into feet?"

No. Children."

Isn't that illegal?"

Jake, now standing with arms folded, let out the softest, most exhausted sigh of the evening.

Charlie turned to Berta, who was still standing in the corner with a cup in hand and a smirk on her face.

Don't you have a bus to catch?

And miss the show? Are you nuts?" she replied.

The doorbell rang again.

Charlie's eye twitched. He opened the door and found Evelyn, dressed like she'd just stepped out of a Christmas party hosted by the Beverly Hills Wine Society.

Feliz Navidad, everyone!"

Didn't see that one coming," Charlie mumbled.

Mom," he said with a deep breath, "what are you doing here?"

I was on my way to a party," she said breezily. "Thought I'd drop off your gift now so I don't have to schlep back tomorrow and mess up my day."

She dropped a silver-wrapped box on the table and immediately began inspecting the furniture for dust.

Jake leaned toward Berta and muttered, "At this point, we should just sell tickets."

Ding dong.

Charlie didn't even react. He just opened the door like a man trudging through war.

It was Rose.

Charlie!" she beamed.

Rose," he said flatly.

How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me?"

This isn't a Christmas party," Charlie snapped.

Alan, ever helpful, chimed in again.

What do you call it?"

Charlie stepped up onto the ottoman, raised his glass, and addressed the room like a defeated captain on a sinking ship.

The beginning of a news story that ends with the phrase: 'then turned the gun on himself.'"

He looked around—Judith and Herb bickering in one corner, Kandi giggling with Berta, Rose standing too close to the eggnog, Evelyn rearranging throw pillows. Gloria was supposed to arrive any minute.

Charlie took a breath and raised his voice.

Okay, okay, listen up! There is no party. You all have to leave now—because a beautiful woman is coming over, and I intend to get her drunk and have sex with her."

Just as the words left his mouth, a new voice echoed through the front door behind him.

That's a good plan. Except I'm already drunk.

The room turned.

Gloria stood in the doorway, swaying slightly in high heels, wearing a tight red dress and a dazzling smile.

Berta raised her cup with delight.

Boy, I can't wait 'til the second act."

That was it.

For Jake, that was the line.

He didn't roll his eyes this time. He didn't mutter a sarcastic comment. He simply stood up from the arm of the couch where he'd been sitting and walked toward the back of the house. No one noticed. Not Alan, who was too busy pretending he wasn't staring at Kandi. Not Evelyn, who was already gearing up to ruin Charlie's night. Not Charlie, who was halfway to ecstasy.

Jake didn't slam the door. He didn't say goodbye. He just slipped outside and let the sliding glass door hush shut behind him.

The beach was quiet. Peaceful.

A blanket of stars stretched across the dark velvet sky. The moonlight spilled over the waves like silk. Jake kicked off his shoes and walked across the cold sand, his hoodie pulled tight, hands in his pockets.

His breath steamed in the night air as the wind rustled through the dunes. Every step took him further from the madness of the house, further from the noise, the dysfunction, the absurdity of being thirteen with a Ph.D. and still stuck in a sitcom.

He wasn't sure how long he walked—maybe ten minutes, maybe more—until a soft orange glow appeared ahead, flickering against the wind.

At first he thought it was just a beach bonfire.

But as he got closer, he saw someone sitting alone beside it.

A girl.

Sitting cross-legged on a thick blanket, facing the ocean, a warm drink in her hands. Her coat was draped over her shoulders. She looked thoughtful. Peaceful.

Jake slowed. The wind carried her profile into view, and he nearly stopped breathing.

No way.

It couldn't be.

But it was.

Emma Watson.