Epic mess

The next day, Larry spoke with Pedro Sanchez, head of the museum's maintenance department, and told him:

"There's an interesting job. Let's talk about it tonight at my friend's apartment - we'll go over everything in detail."

Pedro agreed, and that evening, the two of them got into Larry's car and headed to Chinatown.

Robert ordered spicy Vietnamese noodles, bao buns with tofu filling, and homemade kombucha.

First, the three of them ate, and then they began discussing the plan to steal the Papyrus. Pedro brought schematics of the electrical wiring and the Metropolitan Museum's alarm system.

"A complicated alarm system," Robert said aloud, just as he expected, "three levels. If I get inside, I can handle it."

"Pedro, how can we cause a pipe to burst in the bathroom?" Larry asked.

"Well, the easiest way is to throw toilet paper and napkins in the toilet - it'll clog and eventually burst."

"Great. Then you take care of that, Pedro."

"Are you kidding, Larry? I'm the head of maintenance! I can't be wandering around the museum bathrooms stuffing toilets. You should do it. There's a bathroom right next to the Egyptian Hall."

"How long will it take? One or two days?"

"No one can say for sure. Maybe 1-2 days, maybe 1-2 months."

"We don't have 1-2 months! The papyrus is here for only 15 days. We've got two weeks to get it."

So, they decided Larry would visit the bathroom after each tour and throw paper and napkins into the toilet- as much as possible. He gave about three tours a day and would also use his free time to continue the task. When the pipe in the bathroom near the Egyptian Hall burst, Pedro would cause a second rupture in the basement by drilling a hole in the main sewage pipe during one of his inspections, flooding the whole basement and triggering chaos.

The plan was set: Pedro causes a sewage leak in the basement, leading to plumbing repairs. The second-floor bathroom will be shut down. Extra plumbers are called in. Robert enters as one of them, meets Pedro in the bathroom, and hides there.

When the plan to steal the "Westcar Papyrus" was finalized, Robert asked the main question:

"How much are we getting paid?"

"They're offering one million dollars."

"Wait, you said a hundred thousand!"

"Well, for the whole job - it's a million if everything goes smoothly."

"So how much does each of us get?" Robert pressed.

"I'm in charge, so I get half - five hundred thousand. You and Pedro get two hundred and fifty each."

"What?!" Pedro and Robert said in unison.

"I don't agree!" Robert protested.

"Me neither!" Pedro backed him up.

"So, Pedro and I do the dirty work, take all the risk, and you sit clean and get half a million? And us?" Robert couldn't hold back his anger.

Larry, a big guy, brushed Robert off and grabbed him by the collar when he lunged forward. Pedro jumped in, hitting Larry from behind. All three ended up wrestling on the floor.

"Calm down, you idiots!" Larry shouted, fending them off.

When the scuffle ended, they sat down, panting.

"Fine," Larry said, dusting himself off. "We split it evenly. Three hundred thousand each."

"Wait, what about the last hundred thousand? You pocketing it?" Pedro squinted.

"No, no. That's split three ways too," Larry corrected himself, seeing the irritation in Pedro's eyes.

Pedro quickly pulled out his phone, still breathing heavily, opened the calculator, and divided the million.

"Here," he showed the screen. "$333,333.33 each." Then he added after a moment of thought,

"Robert and I aren't greedy. Larry, since you're the boss, you get $333,333.34. Deal?"

Silence fell. Each of them sat on the dirty gray carpet, lost in thought.

Finally, Robert asked, "So what are you planning to do with the money?"

Larry answered first, "I've been meaning to fix up my old shed, buy a new car, and find myself a long-legged redhead. I'll get married."

"Good idea, Larry. About time you got married. I'll go back to Honduras with my wife, kids, and parents. I'll buy a little house with a vineyard, make wine. With this kind of money, I'll be a respected man back home," Pedro said dreamily.

"And you?" Pedro asked Robert.

"I've had this dream since childhood," Robert said with a smile. "I'll go to Miami, to Disneyland, buy an ice cream truck and sell ice cream to kids."

Larry and Pedro burst out laughing. Wiping tears from his eyes, Larry said,

"You're an idiot! With all that money… selling ice cream in Disneyland? What a dumb idea!"

"Go ahead, laugh," Robert said, chuckling himself. "But you don't get it. That's real happiness -eating ice cream and strolling through Disneyland. No worries, no problems. Just hoping your parents buy you the biggest cone with toppings and sprinkles! You think I like installing alarms in rich people's homes? You should see the palaces they live in. And those kids - they get whatever they want."

"Alright, Robert, don't take it personally," Pedro said, moving closer. "I'll go to Disneyland with my kids and buy ice cream from you. Larry'll come too - with his "little redhead beauties". Good business, yeah," Pedro sighed.

"Very profitable business," Robert confirmed. "You guys just don't know. You'll see - I'll make it big. We'll all make it big."

"May Our Lady of Guadalupe help us," Pedro said, standing and raising his hands. Larry and Robert placed their hands on his.

"May Our Lady of Guadalupe bless our mission," Pedro said.

"Amen," Larry and Robert replied.

***

The next evening, at 6:30 p.m., Eric pulled up to the Metropolitan Museum in a black Lexus sedan. Larry got into the car.

Suddenly, a wave of envy swept over him. Look at these people - driving fancy cars, dressed to the nines… and me? His thoughts were interrupted by Eric.

"So, what's the plan? Tell me."

"There are three of us, including me," Larry began.

Eric didn't care. "I want the Westcar Papyrus. I don't care if the entire Metropolitan staff is in on it. Get me what I need, and you'll get your money," he snapped.

Getting cocky, huh? Acting like he's the boss now, Larry thought.

"Alright, we'll need some cash for small expenses," Larry said, shifting gears.

"Here's three thousand dollars," Eric said, pulling out some bills from his wallet and handing them over.

"Where should I drop you?"

"Take me to Chinatown. I'm heading to Bobby's."

Eric dropped him off, and the black Lexus disappeared into the dusk.

 ***

 On the first day of the exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum, the Egyptian Hall was packed with visitors. Robert entered using a complimentary ticket Larry had given him.

The tour guide that day was a young woman with a confident voice and eloquent speech. Her storytelling about the Westcar Papyrus was captivating. The papyrus stood beneath a glass display case, right next to the "Fragment of a Queen's Face."

The guide explained that no one was allowed closer than half a meter due to invisible laser alarms - if someone got too close, the alarm would sound. The papyrus was well-lit, and you could see all its details clearly from half a meter away.

As Robert approached the glass display to get a closer look at the Papyrus, he thought to himself, Larry should buy a high-end laser glass cutter. Just in case, I'll bring a hammer too.

He admired other Egyptian artifacts, clicking his tongue in appreciation like the other visitors.

I should visit museums more often, he thought as he exited the Metropolitan, impressed by everything he'd seen.

 ***

On the 13th and second-to-last day of the exhibition, the opportunity finally came. First, the bathroom pipe near the Egyptian Hall burst. Then, the basement flooded after a rupture in the main sewage pipe.

Not only had Larry been clogging the toilets, but the heavy visitor traffic helped too. Many guests ignored the warning signs about proper waste disposal - this incident might just teach them a lesson about throwing trash, bottles, or even candy wrappers in the wrong place.

Just as Pedro predicted, panic erupted. More plumbers were called in for help, and Robert managed to slip into the basement among them.

Earlier in the day, while the museum was packed, Robert tested the alarm system. The alarm went off. A security team and police responded immediately. The entire building was searched - but they found nothing suspicious.

That evening, he tested it again. The alarm sounded once more. The same result - no evidence, nothing found.

Late at night, Robert emerged from his hiding place: the second-floor bathroom near the Egyptian Hall. His task was clear: steal the valuable and mysterious Westcar Papyrus. If everything went smoothly, he'd earn a handsome reward.

He entered the hall and headed straight for the glass case containing the Papyrus. He had to disable the alarm and use the laser glass cutter to extract the artifact.

Just in case, he had brought a small hammer. You never know.

But in his haste, he tripped - though the floor was flat, he stumbled over his own foot. Nearly crashing to the ground, he managed to grab onto a nearby display case.

The alarm blared.

In panic, he smashed the glass with his hammer and grabbed whatever was inside before running out of the hall.

Damn it. I didn't even use the glass cutter. What a waste of money, he thought bitterly.

 ***

After the heist, Robert returned to his apartment and called Larry, frustration in his voice.

"Listen, I grabbed the wrong item. Maybe the client will still be interested?"

"I knew this would happen, damn it, Robert!" Larry yelled into the phone.

"What did you take?"

"I don't know… some blue thing that looks like a hippo."

"Idiot! That's the Blue Faience Hippopotamus!"

After calming down a bit, Larry sighed and muttered, "What's done is done." He dialed Eric.

"Robert took the wrong item. Instead of the Papyrus, we've got the Blue Faience Hippopotamus - nicknamed 'William.' It's valuable. Maybe the client would be interested?"

"Larry, what kind of clown are you? What kind of amateurs are you working with? I'll check. Don't call me again!" Eric shouted.

Fuming, Eric immediately contacted Hugo Kaiman, the potential buyer.

"We have a blue hippopotamus - William," he said through gritted teeth. "The Papyrus wasn't recovered."

On the other end, Hugo didn't even hesitate.

"No. Not interested. I don't buy hippos," he said coldly.

Eric lost it.

"I should never have trusted you, Larry! You made me look like a joke. This is your fault. I'm out. Do what you want, but leave me out of it!"

Realizing there was no turning back, Larry called Robert and gave him the news.

"The client doesn't want the hippo," he said, as calmly as possible. "Figure it out on your own. Don't involve me."

"You're ditching me now?!" Robert shouted into the phone.

But Larry didn't respond. He already knew the whole operation had failed.

 ***

Alone now, Robert calmed down a bit, opened his laptop, and started researching the mysterious statuette. After some digging, he came across auction results - and it wasn't a coincidence.

Among the listings, he found the very same Blue Hippo, which had once sold for $1.5 million.

His eyes widened. His heart raced. This was his shot. You don't get your hands on something like this every day.

He clenched his fists and began mentally going over who might be able to buy the statue.

"I gotta call Rex," he muttered.

 ***

He and Rex had known each other from way back in San Francisco. After the fiasco with Mr. X, Robert had bumped into Rex in Manhattan.

The huge, bald Rex was stepping out of a black-tinted Mercedes, accompanying some rich guy. The wealthy man entered a building, while Rex stood by the door.

Robert approached him. Rex recognized him instantly and gestured for him to scram - he was busy.

Robert didn't want to leave, especially after seeing how important Rex had become.

"Just give me your number, and I'll disappear," he said.

Later, they met at a Chinese restaurant. Over spicy noodles, Robert learned that Rex was now working as a personal driver and bodyguard for some rich guy.

"Listen, Rex - I've got something," Robert said.

"I don't deal in black-market goods," Rex replied flatly.

"Wait - it's not what you think. I've got a hippo."

"A what?"

"An ancient Egyptian statuette. A hippo. Worth a ton of cash - I checked online. You work for that rich guy… maybe he or his friends might be interested. These people love weird collectibles. Their homes are basically museums - paintings, sculptures…"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but let's meet. Tell me more."

After learning the full story and seeing the item, Rex took a few photos of the statuette on his phone. He told his boss, Hugo, about it and showed him the pictures.

Hugo arranged a meeting for that evening - under the Brooklyn Bridge.

The day was gray and cold. Wind whipped through the streets. Everything felt somber.

When Hugo and Rex pulled up in their black Mercedes to the agreed spot, Robert was already there - shivering from the cold. He was dressed in worn-out denim shorts, thin-soled moccasins, and a gray hoodie - clearly not dressed for the weather.

Robert approached the car and offered Hugo a handshake. Hugo didn't take it. He just looked Robert over coldly. Rex, on the other hand, gave Robert a handshake and said,

"How's it going?"

"Show me the goods," Hugo said, skipping the pleasantries.

Robert pulled the stolen hippo out of a beat-up laptop bag and handed it to Hugo.

Hugo examined it briefly, turned it in his hands, and then handed it back.

He's not gonna buy it, Robert thought nervously, as he took it and slid it back into the bag.

Then Hugo finally spoke.

"I'll give you thirty thousand dollars for that toy."

"You stingy son of a b* -" Robert burst out.

"Watch your mouth," Rex growled.

"You know damn well what this thing is worth, don't you?!"

"Look," Hugo said calmly, "take the thirty grand, and walk away."

"You're telling me to walk away?" Robert jabbed a finger into Hugo's chest.

Immediately, Rex stepped in to protect his boss. He grabbed Robert by the collar and shoved him back.

Robert stumbled, lost his balance, and slammed into the pavement. His head hit hard. Blood began to pool.

Rex, who was easily twice Robert's size, hadn't meant to hit him that hard - it was just a shove. But for Robert, it was fatal.

"Shit. I think he's gone," Rex said, voice shaky and pale with guilt. "I didn't mean to kill him…"

"Check the bag. See if the hippo's okay!" Hugo barked.

Rex pulled out the statuette and inspected it.

"It's fine. No damage." He gently blew a speck of dust off it.

He looked down at Robert's lifeless body and remembered Robert's words: "America… is heaven on Earth"

Kissing the small cross pendant around his neck, Rex whispered,

"Now you're in heaven, bro."