Chapter 4
The next day I awoke to the same dull orange peeking just barely from the clouds, the sky still a dense, foggy gray. Yet, for some peculiar reason, I felt a sense of happiness settle. Tonight, I decided, I would visit the bar again, out of some childish hope that I would see Isabelle.
Bella, I corrected myself.
I smiled at the thought. To think we were close enough for us to be on a nickname basis made me giddy with delight.
It made sense after all – I hadn't made a new friend for years, unless you counted Wang and Yi Shaan, who were more coworkers than anything. But even as I dressed for work, I shook with anticipation, wanting to get the work hours over with.
I left home before dawn, Qianqian still asleep, her figure barely visible beneath the patched quilt that covered her. I glanced back as I closed the door behind me, feeling as if I left a piece of myself there.
On my bike, I took the usual route. I stopped at the traffic light in the roundabout corner from the grocery store, where my eyes caught on something that made my heart pause. Their annual cookie sales had begun, one of the few varieties of food that weren't limited to the same bland, tasteless palettes every time.
Although I wasn't a big fan of cookies myself, the sight brought back the memories of myself, years ago, on the exact same sidewalk. Back when money wasn't so tight.
It was when I first met Qianqian, back when we were still adults teetering on teenagers, still new to the prospect of a relationship.
I wanted to impress her. I wanted to see her smile. When I'd mentioned cookies in passing, her face had lit up, and I decided I would make them for her. Back then, I would've done anything to see her smile, would've done anything to spend time with her and make her happy.
I initially started finding recipes in old family cookbooks, but the pages were so worn that I could barely read anything. Wang, who was a big fan of baked goods and had a hidden sweet tooth, insisted for days that I bake her honey cakes, before I firmly told him that I wanted cookies.
After days of looking, I gave up on finding a recipe. Although I had never baked anything before, never really having an interest or need for it when I was younger, my rationale was that it couldn't be that difficult to create your own recipe.
How wrong I was.
Yi Shaan leaned back in his chair, surveying the chaos I'd unleashed in his kitchen. "Those," he remarked, gesturing towards the tray, "Are the ugliest looking cookie dough balls that I have ever seen."
I had to bribe him with some magazines that I dug up of his favorite female models, Ne On and Chee Ka dressed quite immodestly, for him to agree to let me borrow his kitchen for an afternoon to bake the cookies. My home seemed much too shabby for something so important.
"Yi Shaan, shut up before I shove one of them down your throat." I shot back mildly, but I couldn't deny that the pale, misshapen spheres of dough did look rather pathetic.
Wang stood by the counter, adjusting his glasses and squinting at the dough. "Are you sure you read the recipe right?"
I glowered at him. He somehow decided to tag along, although I never told him about my cookie baking plans. How he knew we were there, I had no idea.
"I didn't use a recipe. It's just eggs, flour, chocolate, and sugar," I snapped. "I just eyeballed it."
I comforted myself by telling myself that they would work their magic in the oven. I carefully put them in a metal tray, before closing it with a click and setting a timer. Grinning triumphantly, I looked back at Yi Shaan and Wang, who were switching glances between me and the cookies with shared looks of doubt. Well, only time would tell.
"Taihan? I do not think the oven is supposed to be smoking." Wang's voice broke me and Yi Shaan out of our stupor from where we were engrossed in said women's magazine, and Yi Shaan slammed the pages shut, but from the way Wang was looking at us, he probably knew what we were looking at.
"Hey – wait! This oven was expensive, you know?" Yi Shaan bolted upright, dropping his magazine. He quickly bent over to pick it up, panicking as he tried to smooth out the pages.
I swore loudly, forcibly shutting the timer down and yanking the oven open. Smoke floated through the air, engulfing me in acrid fumes. By the time I was done coughing, I was greeted with the sight of a dozen blackened, vaguely-circular cookies that looked more like frisbees than anything edible.
Yi Shaan, after making sure his precious magazine was safe, didn't even bother to hide his guffaws.
"Try one." Wang suggested demurely from his counter chair.
I gingerly picked the least questionable looking cookie from the tray, wondering if cookies were supposed to feel as unbreakable and hard as the actual tray itself. The chocolate chips stuck out like the spikes of a porcupine, and a few ended up just falling on the ground. Breaking off a piece, I watched as bits of cookie crumbled in my hands like fine dust – that was perhaps not the greatest sign.
It tasted like straight cardboard, dissolving in my mouth instantly and coating my teeth with something gritty, and it concerned me how much it resembled ash, rather than anything sweet. I didn't even have to say anything, because Yi Shaan looked at me with a face that was half-amusement, half-pity.
"Well, can't say you didn't try." Yi Shaan smirked, before shaking his head. "Just buy her some cookies from the grocery store – they do an annual sale around this time of the year. You've caused enough of a health hazard for us all."
I threw the rest of my cookie away quickly, not having the stomach to finish it at all. Still, I was unsure. Buying them seemed to take away the genuineness of the gift, and Qianqian specifically mentioned homemade cookies. It felt wrong.
"I agree. You certainly can't give her these. She'd think you were poisoning her." Wang retorts, rolling his eyes. "Besides, it'll make her happy."
I glanced at the tray of lumpy cookies, none of which seemed appealing at all. At least she would enjoy store-bought cookies.
Wang was right. What mattered was her smile. If lying would bring that smile to her face, then so be it.
With that, my decision was made.
The memory faded as I stared at the sign in the grocery window. Back then, I would've done anything to see Qianqian smile.
I thought about her now, waiting at home with the same tired expression she always wore. I thought about Bella, with her easy laughter.
They seemed so similar, those two. Bella almost reminded me of my wife – before whatever happened happened.
I turned away from the window.
Somehow, the thought of telling Qianqian that I would be seeing Bella made a lump settle in my stomach. I could already imagine her inquisitive yet probing gaze, the slight downturn of her mouth in unhappiness that she would mask with a shrug, and the long talk afterwards that would follow. It was too much. I just wanted her to be happy, after all, telling her would bring more unnecessary stress upon her shoulders, and she was already dealing with a lot. She was too jealous, that one.
And so, I found myself pressing the nicest shirt I had deep into the confines of my work backpack as if it were a tightly kept secret. When my work shift ended, I ducked into the communal bathroom, quickly changing into the hastily-ironed shirt I had from earlier.
"Taihan, going somewhere?" A voice I couldn't care to identify called out in, probably poking fun at the way I dressed.
I ignored the jests and the stares, simply swinging my backpack across my shoulder. Bella awaited me, and that was all I cared about.
As soon as my shift in the factory was over, I headed to my true destination. I got to the bar ten minutes earlier than the day before, greeting the bartender with a nod of my head as I searched for an open seat. Five minutes passed. Then seven. I was getting nervous, realizing that I never even scheduled a time to see Bella again. What if she didn't come? What if she realized what a pathetic man I was?
The door swung open, a hurried figure with lustrous hair flowing behind her as she looked around. Just the woman I was waiting for.
"Ah, Taihan!" Bella's voice called out, her face breaking into a breathtaking smile. "It's so nice to see you again!"
"Bella." I greeted, standing up with what I hoped was a calm suaveness that disguised the excitement I actually felt. "Likewise."
She took my hand easily, and I caught myself relishing the warmth that soon followed. She settled down right across from me, and I immediately put my hand up to call a waiter over.
"Drinks are on me." I offered confidently, resolutely ignoring how I most definitely did not have the funds to cover the cost for two people. That would be a problem for me later.
"Taihan, you really don't have to do that. I can pay for my own drinks." Bella retorted, pouting slightly as she shook her head. Still, I insisted.
As soon as the liquor started flowing, everything became much, much easier. The nerves that had plagued me for most of the evening began to disappear, and the cozy familiarity of the bar helped to loosen the tension in my shoulders.
"Wanna play a game?" Bella asked when the silence dragged on for a bit too long. I was quite grateful, or else I wouldn't have known what to do.
A game? My interest peaked, but I was more surprised that Bella was actually interested in talking to me.
"Yes." With a sly grin, she pulled out a deck of cards. "It's called Cooking Chef Showdown. I learned it in Pennsylvania."
She explained the rules to me, handing me a deal of cards before jumping right in to play. It was a little odd, quite unlike any card game I've ever played before, and there were even a few times where I thought I was close to winning – although I wasn't sure if that was just Bella being kind enough to give into my hopes.
"Taihan." Bella suddenly says, pausing before she places a card. "Let's up the stakes. If I put down a Jack, and you don't place any face card after, I get to ask you any question, and you have to answer honestly. If you do the same, I will answer any question you ask honestly."
My fingers hovered right before my pile of cards, wondering why she would propose such a thing. What did she want from me?
Looking at her, with her big doe eyes and hopeful face, I shook any mistrustful thoughts out of my head. She was probably just looking for a way to break the ice.
"Okay. Deal." I agreed, and the smile she broke into was so beautiful I couldn't comprehend how I could've said anything except yes.
Thankfully, Bella's next card was not a Jack. And neither was her next. In fact, it was quite a while before any Jack appeared; surprisingly, it was mine.
"Well!" Was Bella's response, eyes lighting up as she saw the card. "Ask away."
I hadn't thought this far. I was more preparing myself for her interrogation, and therefore when it was my turn to ask, I came away completely blank.
"Hmm. What's the food like in America?"
If Bella was disappointed that I had asked such a boring question, she didn't show it. With a solemn tilt of her head, she appeared to be deep in thought, nose scrunching in a way that much resembled a rabbit.
"It's…different. The war affected America too, so the food wasn't exactly great. But, there were a few times where we got to splurge. I really liked this food called pizza. Have you heard of it?"
Pizza. I had not. It sounded exactly as foreign as it was.
"Well, it's quite good." She took my silence as a no. "It's this dough shaped in a flat circular base, covered with tomato sauce, cheese, and plenty of other toppings!"
I couldn't even imagine such a speciality. Flour was hard to come by, tomatoes even more so. What a delicacy.
"I used to eat it almost every day. I loved it so much. Did you know it originated in Italy?"
I shook my head this time, still trying to wrap my mind around such a concept. Although, in reality, my eyes were more glued to the curve of Bella's lips and the curving of her eyes into wonderful half-moon smiles.
"Aiya. Sorry. I'm rambling." Before I could say anything, Bella cuts herself off with a sheepish look, finally placing her card.
"No, it's fine. I don't mind." I offer her a placating smile, placing my own card.
The game resumes easily, both of us placing cards one by one. Bella is the one to place the next Jack, and she crows in achievement, before leaning back against her chair.
"Let's see…" She begins with a bit too much glee for my liking. "Are you dating anyone?"
I freeze in my chair. The word yes begins to form on my lips, but somehow, I can't find it in myself to say them. It's such an innocent question, and yet I begin panicking, trying to wrack my brain on how to respond. The logical choice would be to say yes, to draw the line here and tell Bella that she would only ever be a friend to me. Yet, the thought of doing so makes me uneasy, as if I feared that Bella would leave if I told the truth.
"Ah. That's such a forward question of me. I'm sorry. You don't have to answer." Bella pipes up, sending an overwhelming wave of relief over me.
Still, she looks at me calmly, as if assessing me for something. I try not to squirm under her searching gaze.
"It's okay." I manage awkwardly, not ever really giving an answer. Bella's eyebrows raise slightly, as if not anticipating my response. I don't go into further detail, and she doesn't press.
I don't know what my answer changed, but Bella nodded; once, twice, in quick succession, before her face morphs into one of careful blankness. I didn't even notice the difference, but now, she was somehow colder. More distant. Her hands gripped her cards tightly, and I felt awful. Maybe she realized I did have a wife; I thought of multiple ways to try and brush it off, but none would be subtle.
"Are you okay?" I carefully ask, partly out of curiosity, but mostly from concern. She switched up so quickly, it was only natural of me, as her friend, to be concerned. There were several benefits that came with this friendship, I reasoned, and so I must do everything I can to keep it.
"Yeah." Bella replies shortly, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter, it's in the past." Her voice screams to not press the situation, and so I begrudgingly swallow my anger into something manageable.
The game finally finishes after a long hour and a half of sitting and talking, with most of the second half being used for playing card games instead of waiting for any to harvest.