Shattered and Confused

Samantha.

After I woke up from passing out, I spent the next four days crying non-stop. Rameriez would come in and give me some sort of injection so I can sleep.

Everyone else stopped coming to see me, even Eli. I don't blame him. I almost killed him two days ago.

I kept hearing a whimpering in my head, sometimes a voice, and when I freaked out about it, he finally told me why I was still alive. He turned me. The voice that I hear in my head is my wolf. I thought I was losing my sanity, which I probably still am. I was so angry with Eli that I nearly shifted and attacked him. Why didn't he just let me die? He knew Alex was gone, and instead of letting me be with him, he forced me to stay in this world without him. I jumped at him, latching my canines onto his forearm as he blocked me from taking a chunk right out his throat.

Rameriez barely pulled me off. She whispered in my ear how it was ok to mourn my child, and I wasn't a bad person for it. However, hurting someone else wasn't who I was, and she was right. I am not that type of person, especially towards someone I love. She was able to pull me away and get me back in bed as I began my sobbing again. She helped Eli to his feet and recommended he give me space. Which he did. He hasn't been back since. Sometimes, I get a whiff of his fresh coconut scent, but he never comes through the door.

Today is different. I have no more tears to cry when I wake up; even though my heart is heavy. I'm sitting in bed and embracing the silence. The doctors have unplugged all the machines since I don't need them anymore. So, there's no longer that constant annoying beeping. I reached over to the bedside table and retrieved a tray of food a nurse brought to me earlier as I slept. For lunch, a bowl of mixed fruit and baked chicken breast, with a side of mash and peas. My stomach grumbles at the delicious smells. I haven't eaten real food since Alex's birthday party. They have been giving me shakes because I could barely keep anything down.

"Alex..." I sniffle out a few tears.

"It's ok." My wolf whimpers.

"It never will be."

She says nothing else. He wasn't her pup, so it's definitely not her place to argue with me.

I started eating my lunch. Once the food hits my tongue, I nearly dive face first into it, eager to swallow it all. Either I am starving, or this is the best meal I ever had, or maybe both.

"Knock, Knock." He clears his throat.

I look up to see Tristian awkwardly smiling at me from the entrance of the room. I clean my mouth off with the back of my hand, and he laughs.

"Wah?" I barely mumble out of my full mouth.

"Nothing, I just thought you were a werewolf now, not a chipmunk!" He laughs harder.

"Ha."

I crack open the apple juice that is on the table and chug it.

"What do you want?" I say clearer.

"Company?" He asks shyly.

I can't deny how lonely I am lately. Even with my wolf to talk to. So, I moved over and pat the bed beside me. With a smile on his face, he jogs over and climbs in. We sat with our back against the wall and our legs crossed in front of us. We both stare straight ahead in silence.

"So?" He leans sideways and playfully bumps me with his shoulder.

"So?" Awkward silence.

"I don't know what to say to you." He admits. "I just feel like there's nothing I can say to make you feel better about your situation."

"There isn't." I confirm.

He sighs.

"But thank you." I glance over at him just as confusion glitters his face. "For understanding."

He gives me a sad smile and nods. I really do appreciate him understanding that there are no words that can mend my heart. It is shattered. No words that will bring my son back to me. He is gone. It is annoying for people to tell me it'll be ok when it definitely won't. I am going to feel that pain for as long as I live, and unfortunately for me, it will be a lot longer now that I am a werewolf.

I am lost in my thoughts of Alex when Tristian grabs hold of my hand in my lap. I whip my head to the side, his green eyes swallowing mine. He squeezes my hand reassuringly, and for the first time since I woke up, I smile. Then I started to cry again. Tristian pulls me into his arms, and I weep, hard. I drench his shirt in tears and snot, and he doesn't seem to mind at all. He doesn't complain. This is nice. It is different from Eli, who seemed too afraid to even touch me.

"You smell nice." I whisper into his chest as I start to calm down.

"Me, really?"

"Yeah, you smell like pine and ginger." I inhaled his scent deeply.

"You smell nice, too." His words rumble in his chest, and I giggle.

"Did you just purr?"

"Yeah." he blushes. "Sorry, Max has been going wild in my head."

"It's ok, so has Cass."

"Is Cass your wolf?"

"It's Cassandra, but she lets me call her Cass."

"That's a beautiful name." He uses his other hand to brush my locks out my face.

"You know, when werewolves scent another the way we do, usually means they're mates."

"Mates?" Cass paces defensively in my head. What the heck was wrong with her? A second ago she was purring for him and now she was weary.

"I thought Eli was my mate?" Cass howls in confirmation.

"I mean, you feel it too, right?" He takes my hand and places it over his heart, making me red all over.

"I feel something." My wolf growls at me. "But my wolf isn't too happy about it."

"What?" He tightens his grip on my hand, not enough to hurt but enough to make me uncomfortable.

"She's been growling ever since you mentioned the mate thingy." I force my hand out of his and hold it to my own chest. He looks down at it apologetically and swiftly gets out of bed.

"Max, can't stop howling 'mate' in my head." He frowns.

I get on my knees in front of him so that we are at eye level, and he takes a step back. We stare into each other's eyes, and eventually, he comes closer again. His hands caress my cheek and up into my hair. A moan escapes my lips, and his eyes darken. His lips get closer to mine, and I lean in. Cass whimpers and then growl menacingly. She's had her tail tucked between her legs the whole time. But why do I feel so drawn to him if he isn't our mate?

Just before his lips lock onto mines I stop advancing towards them, and he does the same. He gives me a knowing look and sighs. I raise my hand up to his scarred face and rub my thumb along his bottom lip.

"As much as I want this," I pant. "My wolf is telling me no."

His eyes never leave mine as he takes my thumb between his lips and flicks it with his tongue. If I had panties, they would be soaked. Unfortunately, as much as I wish that was my clit, it doesn't feel right.

"I can't." I forced the words out, pulling away from him and sitting back down on the bed. "I'm in a weird place right now, everything's so fucked up and confusing This feeling is off. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone."

He turns away from me, his hand on his head and inhales deeply, letting out a shaky breath.

"Your scent doesn't make it easy to go." He shuffles in his pants pocket for a moment before pulling out my phone and my wallet.

"Here." He places them in my lap. "Eli found them, he dropped them on the road rushing back here. He asked me to go back for it."

"He asked you to bring it to me?" I asked. I am finding myself disappointed he didn't come on his own.

"No."

"Oh..."

"He doesn't know I got them already. He might have wanted to give them to you himself."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it was my excuse to come see you. Oh, here!" He pulls a charger from his jacket pocket and tosses it on the bed beside me.

"Thank you."

"No problem." He retreats towards the exit, and just before he leaves, he stops. "I don't know what's up with us and this bond we share. Talk to your wolf, and whatever you decide, I will honor."

With that, he is gone. I hurriedly plugged my phone in, hoping it would work. Cass finally calms down and calls me an idiot before disappearing somewhere in the back of my mind. What the hell was her problem?

She hasn't been gone long before she is rolling and jumping in my head. I can't get out of her what is making her so damn excited, but I find out soon enough. The smell of coconut and coffee is heavy in the air, and my mouth waters. I don't know why I am hyping myself up to see him because I know he won't come in. When he burst through the door breathing heavily, I am startled, and I crawl back against the wall. His eyes are pure black, and he keeps a firm grip on the doorframe, causing it to crack.