Weird... Clothes
Jason sat cross-legged on his saggy couch, staring at the helmet hovering.
The shadow bunny — now affectionately dubbed "Doomsnuggle" in his head — hopped off his shoulder and floated gently onto the floor, yawning like it had just woken up from a long nap.
Jason rubbed his eyes, cracked his neck, and muttered, "Wait… I gotta tell my boss I'm quitting."
He reached for his phone with all the enthusiasm of someone about to commit tax fraud.
But the helmet spun in place with a smug buzz.
『Already done. You quit.』
Jason froze. "…The fuck do you mean, I quit?"
He unlocked his phone.
And there it was.
A full conversation in his chat with Mr. Gubb, his old cranky Frymart manager and proud owner of three chin hairs.
His own messages — except they weren't his — read:
[Jason [7:13 AM]: "Hey baldy. I'm out. I don't need this minimum wage clownshow anymore.]
[Jason Norman [7:14 AM]: I could buy your entire franchise by lunchtime.]
[Jason Norman [7:15 AM]: Hope you enjoy managing frozen peas until you die.]
Mr. Gubb replied with a row of cry-laughing emojis.
[Boss [7:16 AM]: LOL 😂😂😂 You're fired]
Jason stared at the screen like he was witnessing a digital crime scene.
"…Oh my god."
He slowly turned toward the helmet. "Did you just impersonate me and trash talk my boss?"
『Correct.』
"You couldn't at least use better grammar?!"
『He's not worth the effort.』
Jason groaned, tossed the phone onto the couch like it had betrayed him personally, and slumped against the cushion.
"Well, I'm officially unemployed. Guess that means I'm finally free from that shithole."
The helmet hovered smugly above him, screens blooming around it like flower petals of judgment.
『Now change this dump!』
『Buy new clothes!』
『Buy new shoes!』
『Get a haircut!』
『Look respectable, dammit! You're a legacy villain now, not a Twitch basement gremlin!』
Even the shadow bunny joined in.
It didn't say anything — because apparently it couldn't — but it hopped onto his old sneakers and just stared at him.
Judgingly. Like it too knew the stench of expired off-brand cola and dignity.
Jason rubbed his face with both hands. "Why am I getting bullied by a helmet and a ghost rabbit?"
He stood up, shoulders slumped like a cartoon character accepting their fate. "Fine. I'll shower. I'll… shave something. Happy now?"
The helmet buzzed.
『I will allow it.』
"Of course you will."
Jason stumbled to the bathroom, flicked on the flickering overhead light, and stared at his reflection.
Sleepy eyes. Five months of budget beard. Hair like a Wi-Fi signal with trust issues.
"…Goddamn," he muttered. "I do look like someone who reviews energy drinks for a living."
He turned the faucet, wincing as the water groaned like it hadn't worked out since the '90s.
He splashed his face, looked back up — and nearly screamed.
The helmet had followed him in. It was floating just behind him like a haunted soap dispenser.
He glared. "Personal space."
『You're lucky we don't disinfect you with bleach first.』
The bunny peeped in from the doorway like a concerned pet.
Jason sighed so hard it could've powered a wind turbine. "Y'all are gonna watch me shower, huh."
『I've seen worse.』
"Okay, now I need therapy."
—
An hour later, Jason stepped out of the bathroom dressed in the freshest outfit he could find: sweatpants and a loose tee that said "Ask Me About My Pizza" in faded font.
The helmet floated silently.
The bunny blinked.
Jason glanced between them. "What?"
『You're disgusting.』
"Bro I showered!"
『Yes. And then proceeded to dress like a Twitch streamer during a mental breakdown.』
"…Fair."
He sat back down, rubbing his hair with a towel, sighing like he was about to make yet another poor life decision. "Alright. What now? What's the next step in turning me into Moon City's hottest criminal mastermind?"
The helmet flickered.
『We go to Moon city.』
"Ohh yeah."
『Prepare yourself, we shall use your starter pack money to fund your new lifestyle』
"Isn't it MY reward money? Where did the we come from?"
『Shut up and prepare to carry shopping bags』
...
...
Jason stepped out of his apartment, locking the door behind him with the kind of dramatic energy usually reserved for leaving behind a haunted mansion.
The helmet, having transformed into a sleek, black bracelet on his left wrist, shimmered faintly under the sun like it had Bluetooth and Bluetooth trauma.
The shadow bunny, now barely visible in the daylight, floated onto his shoulder like some pocket-sized grim reaper with fuzzy ears.
Jason adjusted his hoodie.
Across the hallway, one of his neighbors —a woman around his age with hips that did not quit and legs that probably had their own OnlyFans account — stepped out of her place.
She was holding a steaming mug and scrolling her phone like she was judging the whole planet.
Jason offered a lazy wave.
"Hey, uh… morning."
She glanced up.
Her gaze flicked down. First to his shoes. Then to his hoodie. Then slowly… to his sweatpants.
She raised a single eyebrow, scoffed like he was an insect unworthy of notice, and closed her door with a click of dismissal.
Jason visibly deflated.
"…Bro I just got body-bagged by a Starbucks baddie."
A translucent screen popped up in front of his face.
『Your current attire has the emotional appeal of a wet sandwich.』
He didn't even flinch.
"Yeah well, not all of us are nanotech fashionistas with glowing fonts, alright?"
The bracelet buzzed.
The bunny wiggled its ghostly ears, which somehow made the rejection feel worse.
Jason trudged to the curb and waved down a taxi.
A bright orange HoverNova Model 7 hummed to a stop, levitating just a few inches above the cracked lower district pavement.
The rear door slid open with a hiss.
The driver was a dark guy with mirrored glasses and an afro that was more circle than hairstyle.
Jason ducked in.
"Yo, take me to… uhh…" He squinted, pulling out his phone and scrolling. "Yeah. BladeSpinz Deluxe Barbing Lounge."
The driver chuckled. "Five bucks, man."
Jason paid.
The door hissed closed, and the HoverNova glided onto the main road, merging between food drones and delivery pods with ease.