The Night I Choose My sanity

"Get out now."

I can still hear those harsh words, very sharp and like broken glass without repair. They continuously ring in my head even now, which is six years later.

The rain had not come out easily, but it was very cold that night. I remember vividly how I stood there, drenched and shivering helplessly, but facing the biggest mansion in existence, the towering Donovan mansion. One moment, I concluded to be lucky, that I had given myself everything I ever desired. Be it love, financial security, and even a bright future that comes with it. But to my dismay, the next, I was nothing more but a piece of trash never to be seen or heard. 

You should be aware that you are nothing more but a temporary distraction. Without being told, you are very much aware that you don't belong here.

His mother's cold, unbearable, sharp voice came out as the final say.

Her words weren't just the problem; they didn't bother or hurt me as much as the wound inflicted by his silence while everything happened. 

Kian Donovan, the brain behind the Donovan empire.

The man I could swear loved me, even worshiped the ground I walked on. But I was wrong. The worst happened when he made no effort to stop me when I walked away for my sanity's sake. 

I managed to wrap my arms around myself for warmth as the wind blew uncontrollably through the quiet streets. My silk dress made it worse as it clung tightly, exposing my bare skin. It was expensive but totally useless now. For comfort, I pressed my hand tightly to my stomach.

Our little comforting secret.

A life in existence that I would protect at all cost, and he would never know anything about.

 "It's obviously just both of us now," I muttered to the life growing in me as I did my best to blink back the tears already forming.

"But not to worry, this won't last a lifetime, we'll definitely be okay. I'll ensure that happens, even if it will cost me alot."

♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️

Exactly six years ago, The very Day My World Collapsed

The hospital room where I found myself had the aroma of antiseptic and freshly dispersed pain. I had managed to be strong all night, saddled through several hours of intensive labor with no one to stand by and kiss my hand for support. There were no freshly harvested flowers, not even the plastic ones. No hand emitting warmth to hold on.

It was just me. I was totally on my own.

And just when his tiny cry reached my ears, very sharp, extremely fierce, full of life, yet tender, everything I once experienced, not even the pains, mattered to me. 

The nurse bundled him down and placed him right in my arms. I gasped loudly in awe. He was beyond tiny, so small, more than what I had imagined. But at the same time, so perfect.

He was my son, my perfect one.

His tiny hand involuntarily curled at the basement of one of my fingers. His eyes blinked involuntarily, and they opened to piercing but most charming blue eyes, and just then, I was reminded of how I had stared into the same eyes countless times before.

It was a perfect replication of Kian's eyes.

Even without knowing it, I felt the sting hitting me behind my eyelids but decided not to let it bother me, or take the moment of joy from me, and refused to let the tears fall because of him. No, I won't allow that again. 

 "Hey, my perfect little guy," I said in a whisper. "There's no one coming to our rescue, it's just you and me."

I leaned forward and pressed my lips onto his tender forehead.

"I make you the promise to never let anyone hurt you or come between your happiness, not him. No one in existence."

And now, this is the woman I have become.

People easily call me the stone-iced Queen now. They always lack the courage to say it boldly, but whisper it in fear and most times out of respect when I walk majestically into boardrooms.

Good then, let them continue to whisper.

They had no idea of the countless nights I spent building this great empire from scratch. Sinclair Holdings wasn't just a name, it's a real estate giant I labored to build with my own hands.

I never encountered help at any point.

Nobody offered me a favor.

And certainly, most importantly, there was no sight of any Donovans.

I took a glance at the reflective glass wall of my office, and before my view was New York City stretching fully beneath me. My reflection bounced back as it stared back at me, hard eyes, fully clothed in sleek black dress, but with a sharp smile.

But surprisingly, the woman with the reflection in the glass softens when I decide to turn around.

 "Mom, come and take a look! I'm a genus, I drew a rocket!"

That was Jayden.

My only son. My whole reason for existence is in this world. He was exactly six years old and someone I could describe as being already too smart for his own good. His fluffy curls bounced beautifully as he ran into the warmth of my arms, and just for him, I allowed the Ice Queen to melt away.

 "Wow, a whole rocket, huh?" I grinned proudly while lifting him. "Maybe someday, I won't be surprised you could fly us to the moon, making the impossible possible."

"Maybe and I look forward to that too!" He giggles. "But that would be only if you agreed to fly with me!"

Sure, definitely and always, my dear.

Yes, I would give anything to follow him anywhere.

But what I observed was peace never lasts, not even pretending to 

The continuous buzz of my phone immediately drags me back to my reality. Cameron, my new personal assistant, more of a sister, rarely calls unless its urgent.

"You're probably going to hate this, but it came in a bit late. Donovan Tech's CEO, out of the blues, just scheduled a meeting, not with the board, but with you."

My blood instantly turned ice.

That was none other than Kian Donovan.

 "Cancel it with immediate effect," I said coldly.

 "I… don't think that would work as I already approved, and he's just a few blocks away from the office. I apologize for my incompetence, please."

My fingers for no reason refuse to let go of the phone as it tightens around it.

Six years have passed. Six years of silent treatment, not even as much as a word to me. And now, when I'm finally standing, he dares show his deceptive self in my life?

I stared into space as I looked at nothing in particular but Jayden. My darling son. His son and the one he never knew existed.

No, I won't hear him. He won't be granted the privilege to going to get close. It has never happened before, and won't start now. And not even in the nearest future ever.

"Mom, who did I hear was coming for a visit?" Jayden asks, and unknowningly peered up at me, and painfully, it was with those same piercing blue eyes I had rejected my whole life.

I managed to force a smile, perfectly hiding the obvious storm brewing inside me.

 "No one that would interest you or any important, baby."

But it was so clear that I was lying.

And that's because Kian Donovan wasn't just someone. He was the man I had been protecting Jayden from, the reason I chose myself, and became ice queen. 

But will it be the best option to meet him now? Or will it trigger the past pain I have been hiding under my cold exterior all these years?