Thanatos_Primum

You know what's worse than being dead?
Being half-dead, with a sore back, no coffee, a Minecraft sheep as an emotional support animal, and a tattoo that vibrates every time you do something stupid.

Hello.
I'm Renji Kurogane — ex-cop, archaeologist of forbidden ruins, and currently: unwilling vessel for a cosmic entity with universal Wi-Fi.

A cursed envelope, a notebook with the personality of a passive-aggressive barista, and a word that should never exist — Senku — were enough to turn my life, and the multiverse, into a flaming dumpster on wheels.

From Egypt to Japan, through the Vatican, screaming catacombs, and discount airlines that reek of corrupted code, my journey isn't a heroic one.
It's a classified report buried between sleeping gods, glitched realities, and nuclear-grade sarcasm.

I'm collecting 23 gems that seal something so ancient and broken, even Time refuses to remember it.

My partner?
A god trapped in my skull with the ego of a cursed influencer.
My spirit guide?
A sheep. Literally. And yes—it judges everything I do.

This isn’t a prophecy.
This isn’t a salvation arc.
It's an existential black comedy disguised as an interdimensional epic.

A story where the universe isn’t trying to save itself...
It just wants front-row seats to my suffering.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Deadpool, Rick Sanchez, and John Constantine had a spoiled child and handed him the budget of an apocalyptic anime...

Welcome to my story.
But be warned:
The Eye is already watching you.

Renji Kurogane: 23 Fragments of Fate and Misfortune

(Alternate Subtitle: "Quick Guide to Escaping Secret Agents with Zero Grace and Maximum Sarcasm")

Explosion in the hallway.Ceiling fragments rained down like depressing party confetti.Renji Kurogane: crash-landing level, decorative apocalypse.

Sirens howled across the building.

Three dark-armored figures stormed through the shattered wall like low-budget action memes.

—"What the hell now?" —I growled, still half-naked, my hospital gown fluttering like a makeshift surrender flag.

One of them pointed a glowing artifact at me—Not a gun.Not a taser.A symbolic entity neutralizer or some other sci-fi death stick my brain quickly translated as: "You're screwed, Renji."

—"TARGET ACQUIRED!" —they shouted in unison, like psychotic boy scouts.

Doctor Khaled tried to intervene but was knocked out instantly by a sonic blast that dropped him like a dry leaf.

—Perfect —I muttered—. Couldn't you at least bring me a damn coffee first?

Instinct: RUN.Problem: Body: "haha, barely learned how to walk again, champ."

Then I saw it.The stasis pod.My crystal coffin.My dimensional Ferrari on a bad day.

I stumbled, cursed the gods, and dived into it just as one of the agents fired.

The emergency field triggered.The pod sealed with a hiss straight out of a D-grade sci-fi movie.

The worst part was what I had inside the pod with me:The gems.

Inside, the gems began to tremble.Hum.Whisper.

—"Oh, no. No, no, no..." —I muttered as the Eye in my chest began to burn like a demon pizza oven.

The broken gem—the cracked one—launched straight into my chest.

Embedded itself like a divine lightning bolt.

The Eye expanded.Swallowed the gem whole.

And then...FWOOOM!

All the other gems followed.One by one.Absorbed.Fused.Burning new, shifting symbols into my skin.

Explosive strength coursing through my muscles.

Flickering speed, almost glitching through reality.

Fractal vision, seeing overlapping realities at once.

And amid the sensory collapse, one brutal realization hit me:

The broken gem had already modified me.

It had altered my "symbolic DNA."It turned me into something that could not only use the gems...

But absorb structures.Absorb seals.Absorb realities themselves.

Including the pyramid.Including the dagger.Including... everything.

The pod, overloaded with raw power, burst through the building.Not a regular escape.

A dimensional shotgun blast without a GPS.

I cracked an eye open—or tried.Smelled incense.Ancient stone.And something suspiciously like institutional guilt.

I staggered to my feet like a drunk zombie.

Gothic arches.Carved columns.Christian symbols tangled with forbidden runes.

—"Where the hell am I now...?" —I croaked.

A distant voice, like a dying echo, answered:

"City of Vatican. Catacombs of Forbidden Faith."

—Perfect —I sighed—. Renji, champion of cosmic glitches, now property of deluxe medieval Christianity.

The Eye in my chest pulsed.Hungry.Thirsty for something.

Down here, beneath the Vatican...Something else was sealed.Something linked to Senku.Something that, if it didn't kill me, would probably demand retroactive soul taxes.

So, dragging myself through forgotten ruins, dripping sweat, pain, and sarcasm...

My next existential tragedy began.

Find the truth.Survive Thanatos Primum.And maybe—just maybe—discover who the hell played God long before we even knew how to pray.

Chapter 11: When You Want Coffee but Get an Interdimensional Assault Instead