The One with The Thumb

Phoebe: (ENTERING) Hi guys!

All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?

Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said "We should do this again!"

All: Ohh. Ouch.

Roy: (Raises eyebrows, mock sympathy) That's like the dating version of "Your call is important to us…"

Rachel: What? He said "We should do it again," that's good, right?

Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated, "We should do this again" means "You will never see me naked."

Roy: (Grinning) Or "Thanks for dinner. I've already deleted your number."

Rachel: Since when?

Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like "It's not you" means "It is you."C

handler: Or "You're such a nice guy" means "I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you."

Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, "I think we should see other people" means "Ha, ha, I already am."

Roy: (Playfully solemn) Or "You're amazing, but I'm just not ready for a relationship" means "I'm already in one and this was an accident."

Rachel: And everybody knows this?

Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

Monica: Uh, Ross.

Ross: What? Wh—hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was—it w—

Roy: (Gently) …Ross, buddy, we believe you. Chi Chi's probably president of the rabbit-chasing club by now.

Ross: (Realizing) ...Oh my God. Chi Chi.

CENTRAL PERK

Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.

(The guys all immediately stretch out their fingers and measure)

Joey: That's ridiculous!

Ross: Can I use... either thumb?

Roy: (Looking at his hand, deadpan) So you're telling me I've been shaking hands with people all wrong this whole time?

Chandler: (Mock offended) I knew your handshake had too much confidence.

Joey: (Squinting at his hand) Okay, but what if you've got really actor-y hands? Like, expressive. That's gotta count for something, right?

Roy: (Grinning) Only if your hands have been nominated for an Oscar.

Monica: Oh my God, you guys are children.

(PHOEBE ENTERS, muttering and flopping down on the couch.)

Joey: You good, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah—no—I'm just—ugh, it's not even worth it. My bank.

Monica: What'd they do?

Phoebe: It's dumb. I was going through my mail, and I open their monthly statement—

Ross: Easy there.

Phoebe: —and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...

Roy: Wait, your bank gives out free money? I need to switch.

Phoebe: No! Now I have to go down there and sort it out.

Joey: What are you talking about? Just keep it!

Phoebe: I can't! It's not mine. I didn't earn it. That's basically stealing.

Rachel: Yeah, but if you use it, it's basically shopping!

Phoebe: Okay. Let's say I buy some amazing shoes. Do you know what I'd hear every step I take? Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.

Roy: What if you tiptoe?

Phoebe: Then it's "Stealing. Stealing. Stealing." even quieter.

Rachel: Even if you were happy, and skipping?

Phoebe: "Not-not-mine. Not-not-mine. Not-not-mine."

Monica: We're with you. We got it.

(Chandler is leaning suspiciously behind the couch.)

Rachel: Chandler, what're you doing?

Monica: (pulling him up) Seriously, what's up?

(Chandler tries to play it cool but ends up exhaling smoke.)

All: Ohhh!

Ross: Are you serious?!

Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.

Phoebe: I can't believe this! You were clean for, like, three years!

Chandler: And this... is my reward.

Roy: (grinning) That's like, "I did great in therapy—so I bought a flamethrower."

Ross: Think about what you went through last time, man.

Chandler: This time, I just won't quit.

All: Noooo! Put it out!

Chandler: Alright, alright, I'm putting it out!(He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh no! I can't drink this now!

Roy: (eyebrows raised) Bold move. Real smoky roast vibe.

Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go change—I've got a date.

Rachel: Is this Alan again? How's it going?

Monica: Pretty good, y'know? It's chill, we're having fun.

Joey: So when do we meet this guy?

Monica: Hmm, let's see... today's Monday... never.

All: Oh come on!

Monica: No way. Not after what happened with Steve.

Chandler: What're you talking about? We loved Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!

Roy: (smirks) I didn't even meet the guy. Just heard the aftermath... and saw the destroyed lasagna.

Monica: I don't even know how I feel about Alan yet. Just give me a second, okay?

Rachel: Sooo... next week?

Monica: Nope. Schhorry.

RACHEL and MONICA'S APARTMENT

Joey: Let it go, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.

Roy: (mock-serious) Sounds like Chi Chi was the real one holding this family together.

Monica: Do you all promise?

All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!

Monica: (shouts) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

(Chandler makes a 'cross my heart' gesture. It starts to rain. He taps on the window.)

Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

(Chandler sighs, grabs a garbage can lid, and shelters under it like a sad, wet turtle.)

(Enter Phoebe. She heads straight to the couch and starts reading, no "hi.")

Ross: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: (reading aloud) "'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this—'" (digs in her purse) "—'football phone as our free gift.'"Can you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars and a football phone!

Rachel: What bank is this?!

Roy: (grinning) Yeah seriously, where do I sign up for the guilt-ridden millionaire starter pack?

(Door buzzer sounds.)

Monica: (checking the intercom) Hey. It's him. (into the intercom) Who is it?

Alan (intercom): It's Alan.

Joey: (yelling out the window) Chandler! He's here!

(Chandler hurries in, soaking wet and looking like a defeated raccoon.)

Monica: (to everyone) Okay, please—just be good. Remember how much you like me.

(She opens the door. Enter Alan.)

Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

Alan: Hi.

All: Hi, Alan.

Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!

Roy: (smirking) Yeah, we're the chaos your girlfriend warned you about.

Phoebe: (nodding) But like, in a lovable, mildly dangerous way.

Joey: (eyeing Alan) So... Alan, what do you bench?

Ross: Oh God, here we go.

Roy: (to Monica, under his breath) Is this the part where we gently scare him away or full send?

Monica: (whispers) No scaring! Full charm mode.

Chandler: (dripping on the floor) If he survives this room, he's a keeper.

Monica: (at the door, to Alan, who is leaving) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow.(to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?

(Silence.)

Monica: C'mon!

Ross: …I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at—no, I'm sorry, I can't do this. I can't do this. We loved him.

All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!

Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?

All: Yeah!

Rachel: And did you notice...? (spreads her thumb and index finger)

The guys: (reluctantly) Yeah...

Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

Ross: ...What shoe?

Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while…'

Roy: (leans forward, mock serious) You sure it wasn't about your last landlord?

Rachel: (laughs) Honestly, same energy.

Roy: (grinning) I mean, the man owns one sweater and twelve versions of it. That's suspicious, right?

Chandler: (nodding) I knew something was off. No man should be that emotionally stable and still know his cholesterol levels.

Roy: He even complimented my hair, and I haven't washed it in two days. That's... love or a cry for help.

Monica: Seriously?! Even Roy liked him?

Ross: That's it—Alan will now become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

Rachel: What future boyfriends? No-no, I think this could be, y'know, it.

Monica: Really!

Chandler: Oh yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (does it)

Roy: (dryly) Can you not do that at my birthday party?

Ross: You know what I like most about him, though?

All: What?

Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.

All: Yeah...

Roy: I know. I was nice to a stranger. Who am I?

Central Perk. Monica alone. Enter Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Roy, all dejected in softball gear.]

Monica: Hi... how was the game?

Ross: Well...

All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

Joey: Alan.

Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that—that—that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right? But instead of Bugs, it was first base—Alan, second base—Alan, third base—

Roy: Pretty sure he even pitched to himself at one point. Like, threw it, ran to catch it, gave himself a high-five.

Rachel: I mean, it—it was like he made us into a team.

Chandler: Yep. We sure showed those Hasidic jewellers a thing or two about softball...

Roy: (grinning) I don't know if we won or if Alan just hypnotized them with his smile.

Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think that Alan is maybe... sometimes...

Ross: What?

Monica: ...I dunno, a little too Alan?

Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.

Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that—that—that we adore.

Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

Roy: (nodding, mock thoughtful) Served chilled. Maybe with a lemon wedge.

TO CENTRAL PERK

Ross: A thumb?!

(Phoebe nods)

All: Eww!

Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?

Roy: Yeah, win the full hand and unlock a free coffee!

Phoebe: Does, um,anyone wanna see?

All: Nooo!

(CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE)ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!

Rachel: It's worse than the thumb!

Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair!

Monica: Oh, why is it unfair?

Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? And Roy—who somehow manages to take up three cushions just sitting down. How do you sprawl that wide, man? You're like human origami. I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?

(Uncomfortable silence)

Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?

Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it.

Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?

(Phoebe spits out her hair)

Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.

Joey: Oh, (imitating Ross) "you do, do you"?

(Monica laughs and snorts)

Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.

Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

Roy: Just don't trip over Monica's label-maker on your way out. I swear, that thing's got more mileage than Joey's headshots.

(THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO

SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.) 

INT. DANIEL SANDERS' INVESTMENT OFFICE

Roy walks into a sleek office building with polished floors and a panoramic view of the city. The door to Daniel Sanders' office is open, and Roy knocks lightly before entering. Daniel, a seasoned investment expert in his late 50s, looks up from his desk. He's well-dressed in a sharp suit, his office pristine and professional. Behind him, a large bookshelf lined with financial books and trophies from previous clients.

DANIEL SANDERS: (standing up and shaking Roy's hand)Ah, Roy! Good to see you. Your dad said you'd be dropping by. How's everything going?

ROY: (smiling)Everything's good, just trying to figure out where to put my money.

DANIEL SANDERS: (nods, gesturing for Roy to sit)Well, you've come to the right place. Your dad has always had a solid head for business—he trusts me to steer people right. What's on your mind?

ROY: (sitting down, opening a folder with his portfolio)Well, I've been looking at some tech companies. I'm thinking about long-term growth. But I don't want to just follow the herd, you know? Your advice would mean a lot.

DANIEL SANDERS: (smirking)let's see what you've got.

Roy places his portfolio on the table, and Daniel scans through it quickly.

DANIEL SANDERS: (raising an eyebrow)Alright, Apple... that's an interesting pick. I see the appeal, but it's a risky one. Apple's still a little unpredictable. I'd be much more comfortable sticking with the big players. Microsoft, Intel, IBM—they've got a firm grip on the market. Stable. Reliable.

ROY: (smirking)Yeah, I hear you, but I've got a feeling about Apple. I mean, they're doing something different. The whole Mac thing—it could be huge if they pull it off. What about the future?

DANIEL SANDERS: (chuckling). Always thinking ahead. But the truth is, Roy, the future's not as clear-cut as it seems. People get excited about new ideas, but they forget that innovation alone doesn't guarantee success. Microsoft's solid, and that's where I'd place my money. They're practically a household name.

ROY: (nods thoughtfully)Right, but... what if we're not just talking about technology? What if we're talking about a shift in how people interact with computers? Apple could be the start of that. The future's moving fast. A lot of these companies, they're building that future.

DANIEL SANDERS: (leaning back, thinking)I can see your point. But Apple's a gamble. The big wins are in the established giants for now. I'd stick with Microsoft for sure. Maybe throw some in Intel, Compaq—they're all solid bets. But that Apple pick? I'd say it's a small stake, if anything.

ROY: (grinning)Well, I think I'm willing to take that gamble. I'll put a little more into Apple, but also keep the solid investments like Microsoft and Intel. I want a mix of sure things and risks. That way, I'm covered either way.

DANIEL SANDERS: (sighs, shaking his head with a smile)I should've known. Always following your instincts, huh? Alright, I'll work up the numbers for you. But you've got to promise me—no big splurge on Apple just yet. It's still a little early for that.

ROY: (nods)I hear you. I'll keep it small. But hey, what do you think about these new online companies—Amazon, eBay? They're still small, but they've got potential.

DANIEL SANDERS: (raising an eyebrow)Amazon? eBay? You're really going there, huh? Those are just websites, Roy. They're just selling books. What makes you think they've got staying power?

ROY: (smirking)Maybe, but what if that's the future? I mean, people are buying stuff online. It's new, it's different. I think these companies could be something big down the line.

DANIEL SANDERS: (shaking his head)Roy, you're really thinking ahead, aren't you? Well, I'll admit—if anyone's going to get this right, it's you. But for now, you've got to be careful with those online businesses. I'd keep it to a minimum. Stick with the more established names.

ROY: (slightly grinning)Alright, alright. I'll keep it small. But when Amazon and eBay are worth billions, just know who told you about them first.

DANIEL SANDERS: (laughing)I'll give you that one. Let's focus on what's practical for now. Your dad's going to be happy with the choices we make. I'll get the paperwork together and send it over.

ROY: (standing up, offering a handshake)Thanks, Daniel. I really appreciate your help. You're right—gotta play it smart.

DANIEL SANDERS: (shakes his hand)No problem, Roy. You've got a good head on your shoulders. Just remember, a little patience goes a long way in this game. Keep your eyes on the long-term prize.

ROY: (nods, heading for the door)Will do. Thanks again.

Roy exits, and Daniel watches him leave with a thoughtful expression, slightly amused by the young man's conviction. Roy may be thinking a little too far ahead for Daniel's taste, but there's no denying Roy's sharp instincts.

 MONICA'S APARTMENT

CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years, it'd be talking too.

ROY: (grinning)Yeah, and probably giving out life advice. I bet it knows all the secrets of the universe by now.

ROSS: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.(He goes to change Chandler's nicotine patch.)

MONICA: (entering the apartment)Hey. Where's Joey?

CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

RACHEL: (grinning)I think he's across the hall.

MONICA: Thanks.(she heads to the door to fetch Joey.)

ROSS: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch)There you go.

CHANDLER: (deadpan)Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

ROY: (laughing)I think that patch is your new best friend.

ROSS: (smirking)I don't think it's that mutual.

PHOEBE: (chewing her hair)Wait, is anyone gonna eat the rest of this Pop-Tart?

ROY: (grinning)You're just giving it away? I'll take it.

PHOEBE: (still chewing her hair)Sure, help yourself. It's not like I need it, anyway.

PHOEBE: (thinking for a second)Hey, you know those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for my thumb.

ALL: (eyes wide, laughing)You're kidding. Oh my God!

PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. What is up with the universe?

ROY: (smirking)Yeah, it's like the universe is testing us today.

JOEY: (Dragged in by Monica. He has just come out of the shower.)What's going on?

MONICA: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.

JOEY: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear...

RACHEL: Uh, Joey...

JOEY: Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES)

MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay...

ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop!

MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk.

PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.

MONICA: Alright, we have to talk.

PHOEBE: There it is!

MONICA: Okay. It's—it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this... uh... I've decided to break up with Alan.

(THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER.)

ROSS: Is there somebody else?

MONICA: No, nononono... it's just... things change. People change.

RACHEL: We didn't change...

JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?

PHOEBE: You know... you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just— I— (CHEWS HER HAIR)

MONICA: Look, I— I could go on pretending...

JOEY: Okay!

MONICA:—but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan—It wouldn't be fair to you!

ROY: (sighs, rubbing his eyes, speaking quietly)Man, it's rough... Monica, you don't just break up with someone like Alan... it's more than just the relationship. It feels like... like the whole thing's falling apart.

ROSS: Who—who wants fair? You know, I just want things back. You know, the way they were.

MONICA: I'm sorry...

CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC)Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!

RACHEL: (tearfully)I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up— I wanted him to meet my family.

ROY: Yeah... you want to believe it's gonna work out, but sometimes... it doesn't.

(Roy looks at Monica, offering a small, understanding smile.)

MONICA: I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans.

ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!

MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay?

ROY: Yeah, we'll be fine. It just... it'll take time. I think we're all just a little bit shocked.

ROSS: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.

MONICA: (DUBIOUS)I understand.

ROY: We've got each other. And that's what matters. Even if things feel like they're falling apart... we're still here for you, Monica

A/N :"I know it's a long chapter, but I want to focus on Roy's personal life alongside his time with the Friends gang."