The One With The Blackout
MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT.
Rachel: (excitedly) Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
Monica: (on phone) Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on.
Rachel: (still amazed) Wow, you guys, this is big.
Roy: (grinning) I mean, it's kinda exciting, right? Like, anything could happen. Giant blackout adventure!
Ross: (deadpan) Yeah, until you realize you can't microwave anything... ever again.
Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs up)
Phoebe: (to Monica) Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. (pauses) What's my number?
(Monica and Rachel give her a bewildered look.)
Roy: (playfully) Don't feel bad, Pheebs. I once forgot locking the coffee shop... twice.
Phoebe: (grinning) See? Thank you! I'm not alone!
Rachel: (teasing) Yeah, you're just... special.
Roy: (smirking) Special is way better than normal. Normal's boring.
Joey: (entering cheerfully) Hi everyone.
Ross: (grinning) And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.
Joey: (shrugging) Well, Chandler's old roommate was Jewish, and these are the only candles we have, so... Happy Hanukah, everyone.
Phoebe: (at the window, peeking out) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
(They all rush over to look, then immediately flinch and turn away in pain.)
Rachel: (wincing) That had to hurt!
Roy: ( shield his eyes) I think I just lost five years off my life.
Joey: (laughing) That's the real blackout tragedy right there.
Ross: (groaning) Seriously, some things you can't unsee.
Roy: (grinning) I say we start a new rule — never ever look out that window during emergencies.
Phoebe: (nodding dramatically) Agreed. It's cursed.
Rachel: (grinning) Alright, somebody!
Monica: (smirking) OK, I'll go. Senior year of college... on a pool table.
ALL: (cheering and laughing) Whoooaa!
Ross: (grimacing) That's my sister!
Joey: (grinning) OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: (laughing) Oh my God! What were you doing in a library?
Joey: (shrugging proudly) Research.
Ross: (to Phoebe) Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: (dreamily) Oh... Milwaukee.
Rachel: (laughing) Um... Ross?
Ross: (embarrassed) Disneyland, 1989. It's a Small World After All.
ALL: (in disbelief) No way!
Ross: (sheepishly) The ride broke down. Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
(Everyone bursts into laughter.)
Rachel: (wiping tears from her eyes) Oh my God, Ross!
Monica: (grinning) Alright, Roy, your turn. Weirdest place?
Roy: (thinking hard) Hm... does a maintenance closet at Central Park Zoo count?
Joey: (wide-eyed) Wait — with animals around?
Roy: (laughing) Not in the enclosure, Joey! Near the vending machines. Very romantic... fluorescent lighting, the smell of popcorn... real classy.
Rachel: (teasing) Roy, you dark horse!
Phoebe: (nudging Rachel) Oh, Rachel.
Rachel: (groaning) Oh come on, I already went!
Monica: (grinning) You did not go! Come on!
ALL: (chanting playfully) Come on, come on!
Rachel: (sighs dramatically) Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (pauses)... the foot of the bed.
(Everyone stares at her for a second.)
Ross: (mock serious) Step back.
Roy: And bow
Joey: (throwing up his hands) We have a winner!
(ROSS AND RACHEL ARE TALKING)
Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.
Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.
Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course.
Ross: Come on.
Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.
Ross: (SARCASTICALLY) And you didn't marry him because...?
Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of...
Ross: Probably
Rachel: really?
Ross: But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated.
Rachel: Yeah right.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.
Rachel: (SIGH) OK.
Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.
Rachel: You don't.
Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Mmmm.
Rachel: You do?
Ross: I do.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (SHE PLAYFULLY RUBS HIS HEAD AND GETS UP)(ROSS GETS UP, PLEASED WITH HIMSELF.)
Joey: It's never gonna happen.
Ross: (INNOCENTLY) What?
Joey: You and Rachel.
Ross: (Acts surprised) What? (Pause) Why not?
Roy: (Grinning, leaning forward) Yeah, Ross.
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
Roy: (Teasing) Oh, you're not in it. You built the zone, buddy.
Joey: (Laughing) And became mayor of the zone.
Ross: (Defensive) I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...
Joey: Priesthood! Look, Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
Roy: (Lightly) Lifetime membership, no refunds.
Ross: (Nods) I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment.(JOEY AND ROY exchange a "this guy" look.)
Joey: (Deadpan) What? What, now?
Roy: (Whispering dramatically) Strike while the wine is still poured.
(At that moment, RACHEL walks into the room behind them.)
Ross: Shhhh!
Rachel: What are you shushing?
Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen.(EVERYONE goes silent, even Roy holding in a smirk.)
Rachel: Ahhhh!
Ross: See?
Rachel: Huh. (She agrees but looks very confused.)
(ROY and JOEY exchange a quiet fist bump behind Ross's back.)
(PHOEBE IS SINGING WITH HER GUITAR WHILE SCRIBBLING DOWN LYRICS.)
Phoebe: (Singing)"New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour.But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy...la la la, la la, la la..."(She hums and writes the lyrics down proudly.)
(ROSS is psyching himself up. JOEY and ROY are standing with him.)
Ross: (To Joey) OK, here goes.
Joey: Are you gonna do it?
Roy: (Grinning) About time, Casanova.
Ross: (Nods nervously) I'm going to do it.
Joey: You want any help?
Roy: (Joking) We can form a human pyramid. She'll never resist that.
Ross: (Chuckles, but serious) You come out there, you're both dead men.
Joey: (Mock salute) Good luck, man.
Roy: (Playfully punching Ross's arm) Knock her socks off, dude. But, you know, in a sweet, emotionally supportive way.
Ross: (Nods determinedly) OK.
(ROSS heads out onto the balcony where RACHEL is standing.)
(ROY and JOEY immediately lean closer to the balcony door, trying to eavesdrop, totally not subtle.)
(MONICA WALKS IN, STARTING TO HEAD OUT TO THE BALCONY.)
Joey: Hey, where are you going?
Monica: Outside.
Joey: You can't go out there.
Monica: Why not?
Roy: Because of... the reason.
Monica: And that would be?
Roy: "Because it's chilly outside and someone might shoot us." (A/N: with camera)
(Monica give a side glance and looked at Joey)
Monica: Joey, what's going on?
Joey: (Low voice) OK, you gotta promise you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you.
Monica: About what?
Joey: He's planning your birthday party.
Monica: (Gasps) Oh my God! I love him!
(As PHOEBE enters.)
Joey: (Quickly) You'd better act surprised.
Phoebe: About what?
Monica: My surprise party!
Phoebe: What surprise party?
Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me.
Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me.
Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.
Roy: "I think you should have a talk with Ross, Phoebe."
Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.
Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff.
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last to know about the party at Roy's place. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in.
(MONICA GESTURES AT PHOEBE TO SHUT UP; JOEY LOOKS SURPRISED BUT
PLEASED) Looks like I was second to last.
Monica: Phoebe!!,It was just like when you had a crush on Roy, back when you both lived on the same street.
Roy: Whoa, I'm honored, Phoebe.
Monica: you bitch!
(The infamous balcony. ROSS AND RACHEL ARE TALKING)
Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.
Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as.. more of a general wondering... ment.
Rachel: OK.
Ross: : OK. Here goes. Um, for a while now, I've been wanting to, um....
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (LOOKING AT SOMETHING BEHIND ROSS)
Ross: Yes, yes, that's right...
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (A SMALL KITTEN IS ON THE ROOF BEHIND ROSS)
Ross: : What? (THE CAT JUMPS ON HIS SHOULDERS) Ow!
(MONICA'S APARTMENT. PHOEBE IS HOLDING THE CAT, MONICA IS
TREATING THE SCRATCHES ON ROSS' BACK)
Monica: (TO ROSS) This is just Bactine. It won't hurt.
(ROSS FLINCHES IN PAIN.)
Joey: Sorry, that was wax.
Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.
Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out in the hall?
Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled!
Ross: (NONCHALANTLY) Yeah?
Roy: (Smirking) Well, if Tooty does get trampled, I say we start a GoFundMe to pay for his little bandages.
Phoebe: (Laughing) Hey, maybe we can all pitch in and get him some therapy for his trauma.
Monica: (Shaking her head) You guys are terrible
(SCENE: ATM VESTIBULE.)
Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (JILL GIVES HIM A
STICK OF GUM, AND A STRANGE LOOK) 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be
perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For
me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself
(SCENE: Apartment. ROSS, MONICA, JOEY, AND ROY ARE PLAYING MONOPOLY.)
Roy:(ROLLING) Lucky sixes....
Rachel: (ENTERING WITH PAOLO, ARM IN ARM) Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet my friends. This is Monica.
Monica: (SMITTEN) Hi!
Rachel: And Joey....
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: And Ross.
Monica: Hi!
Roy: And Roy
Monica: Hi! (A/N :It's not a mistake, that's just how Monica acted.)
(PAOLO ENTERS, LOOKING AROUND AND SPEAKING SOMETHING IN ITALIAN.)
Paolo: (SOMETHING IN ITALIAN)
Rachel: (PROUDLY) He doesn't speak much English.
Paolo: (POINTING AT GAME) Monopoly!
Rachel: Look at that!
Ross: (JEALOUS) So, um... where did Paolo come from?
Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think.
Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into our lives.
Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's cat!
Roy:(PLAYFULLY) That's one way to meet a guy.
Ross: (TO JOEY) And Rachel keeps touching him!
Roy: (WITH A SMIRK) Yeah, Ross, seems like someone's got a little competition.
(PHOEBE ENTERS.)Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.
Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat.
Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo.
Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe.
Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to Phoebe)Phoebe: (SMILING) You betcha!
Monica's apartment. Rachel and Paolo are at the window. Ross, Joey, and Roy are watching from the couch, disgusted by the scene unfolding.)
PAOLO: (SOMETHING ROMANTIC IN ITALIAN ABOUT RACHEL AND THE STARS)
Ross: (MOCKING PAOLO) Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blaaaaaah....
(RACHEL WALKS AWAY FROM PAOLO, LAUGHING.)
Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny?
Rachel: I have absolutely no idea.
Roy: (CHUCKLING) Oh, come on, Ross. You can't tell me you haven't been there... when you can't understand a word but you still smile like you're in on the joke.
Joey: (TO ROY) You think you could do that? Fake your way through it?
Roy: (GRINNING) Honestly? It's a gift. Watch and learn, my friend.
Rachel: (TO MONICA AND PHOEBE) Oh my God, you guys, what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me!
Monica: If you want, I'll do it
(ROSS LOOKS AT JOEY AND ROY.)
Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. (RACHEL LOOKS AT HER) But I won't.
Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Phoebe: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... (THEY STARE AT HER)... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK.
Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak the same language but Goooooooddddddd....
(SCENE: MONICA'S APARTMENT. THE GANG IS ALL SITTING AROUND THE TABLE.)
Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (TIME LAPSE)... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48.... (SOMEONE BLOWS IT OUT, THE ROOM GETS COMPLETELY DARK)
Ross: Thank you.
Phoebe: Thanks.
Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights.
Joey: (DOES A MANIACAL LAUGH) Bwah-hah-hah!
(EVERYONE STARTS TO IMITATE HIM.)
Roy: This is a famous old an laugh. Gurararara -rara.
Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
(THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON, AND RACHEL AND PAOLO ARE MAKING OUT. ROSS CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.)
Ross: Oh... oh... oh.
Joey: (LOOKING AT ROSS WITH A HALF-SMIRK) Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.
Roy: (LOOKING AT ROSS) Oh, this is gonna be awkward.
(SCENE: ATM vestibule. THE POWER HAS COME BACK ON.)
Jill: Well, this has been fun.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life.
Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (SHE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK) See ya.
(SHE LEAVES. CHANDLER PRESSES HIS FACE TO THE GLASS DOOR AFTER HER, STROKING THE WINDOW LOVINGLY. HE THEN TURNS TO THE SECURITY CAMERA AND STARTS TALKING TO IT.)
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.