Chaos

After that grounding, strangely comforting lunch with Matthew, I went straight back to the room. Sia was there, lounging on the couch.

Anna, where have you been? she asked, not coldly but there was tension in her voice, laced with concern and something else I couldn't quite name.

And I don't know why, but I didn't want to tell her the truth. Not that i was with Matthew. My mind scrambled for something else—something easier, less complicated.

I was with Kelly, I then replied.

Her eyes narrowed slightly, then stand's up. Kelly? Why? Lunch time's over. Did you… have lunch with her? You didn't even say anything. You just vanished from the pool I was looking for you, Anna.

The way she said my name it stung. There was hurt in her voice, laced with frustration.

It was sudden, I replied, stepping closer to her. Somehow I just ended up out of the pool and saw her. And yes… we had lunch. I'm sorry for not telling you. I reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, hoping it could say what words couldn't.

Sia looked me in the eyes, her expression soft but wounded. I just don't understand… Why do I always feel like I'm one step behind? Even when I'm the one who's your girlfriend?

It's not intentional, Sia, I said softly, guilt pricking at my chest. You know that.

She didn't say anything just watched me, waiting. And maybe this was the worst moment to say it.

I don't know if this will make things worse, but… I made plans with Kelly for later tonight. I said I'd come by her room.

Her face shifted. What? Her room? Just the two of you? And what exactly are you planning to do there, Anna?

Just a drink, I said calmly. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing malicious. We're childhood friends, you know that. It's not like that.

I paused, taking her hand again, this time more firmly. Will you let me go, Sia? Just tonight?

I don't even know anymore. Just get out of this room. Don't talk to me, Anna, I might explode.

Sia's voice cracked as she stepped away, pressing her fingers against her forehead like she was holding herself together. Her back turned to me as she sat on the bed, shoulders tense, head lowered shutting me out.

I didn't fight it. I didn't say a word. I quietly left, closing the door behind me with a guilt-heavy heart.

I messed up.

I didn't even tell her about lunch with Matthew. I buried the truth, and maybe part of me wanted to. Maybe part of me just wanted to be somewhere else, just for a moment where things weren't complicated. But it was selfish, and now I had to sit with the weight of that.

My feet carried me almost instinctively to Jean's room. If there was anyone I could confess to, it was her. Someone who wouldn't judge, who might help me untangle the knots in my chest.

I knocked, quietly.

Jean… it's me. Annabelle.

Wait a sec, came her voice, muffled from inside. Then the door creaked open. Come in. What brings you here? You bored or something? she teased lightly, smiling.

I stepped inside, but I couldn't smile back. She noticed. Her expression shifted.

Also—Sia's been looking for you. Again. Back at the pool earlier. Jean said as we sat down. What are you doing, Anna? She worries every freaking minute. You're driving that girl crazy.

I know, that's why I'm here. I messed up, Jean.

Jean stayed quiet, letting me continue.

It's my first time dating a girl, you know? And it's not that I find it hard—it's just… why do I keep hurting her? Every time I try to do something, it ends with Sia getting hurt. Like I'm bound to screw things up no matter how careful I am.

My voice trembled. I hate this feeling. Like I'm the villain in a story I'm not even trying to write. Any idea how do i fix this?

Jean let out a soft chuckle, almost in disbelief. Are you kidding me?

I don't even know why she's mad—what did you do, where were you. Her brows arched. And Anna, between the two of us, you're the one in a relationship. And yet you're asking the single one. She gave me a look that said she wanted to laugh, though she was clearly holding it back.

You're going to scold me," I said, giving her a helpless look. "Promise you won't?"

What is it really? Jean tilted her head.

I hesitated for a moment, letting the silence sit between us before I finally said it no energy, no excuse in my tone, just the truth.

I was with Matthew… the whole time. I had lunch with him for some reason. And I even lied to Sia. I told her I was with Kelly. But now she's mad, and she's hurt, and I deserve it.

Jean's smile faded. Her expression turned serious as the weight of what I said settled between us.

I see. So this is how you're playing it, Jean said, her voice cool and sharp. You do realize I have feelings for Matthew, right? This is seriously out of league, Anna.

No, I said quickly, shaking my head. It's not like that. It was just lunch me and him. And yeah, we talked. He told me how he felt… everything. But I turned him down, Jean. I told him I couldn't because I have Sia.

I dropped my eyes, my voice barely above a whisper. But even after that, I'm still in the wrong lane. Sia's mad. I keep doing everything wrong. And honestly? I'm tired. I don't have the strength to keep trying to fix all these misunderstandings.

I looked up at Jean, my eyes stinging. Is dating a girl really this complicated? Because I feel like I'm losing my grip. Every step I take, I just end up hurting Sia. And now Matthew—he's become this endless thread of conflict. No matter how much I push him away, he keeps finding his way into the middle of everything.

I let out a sigh, my voice cracking. I don't even know how to make it right anymore. If there is a way… I just want out of this loop, Jean.

How about this where's Matthew right now?

I raised a hand. No, stop. Matthew and I already cleared things up. He told me he has no intention of coming between Sia and me. He just… he just wanted me to know how he really feels.

Jean narrowed her eyes. He really said that?

I nodded. Yes.

She scoffed, frustration written all over her face. That doesn't make any sense, Anna. Because whatever that was—it's already messing with your relationship with Sia. Do you even realize it?

I know.

Jean waited. I took a breath, letting the words I'd been afraid to say finally come out.

But I'm also at fault. Because I don't know… part of me is shaken by Matthew's honesty. The way he shows how he feels, how he genuinely cares it gets to me. I don't hate it. I hate what it's doing to Sia, but… I'm confused.

Jean leaned forward, her voice low and serious. Do you really want the answer, Annabelle?

I nodded slowly, unsure but desperate.

You like Matthew. That's your answer. And if you really care about Sia and want the pain to stop for her, for you—you need to break up with her. End it. That way, she won't keep getting hurt by your confusion.

My heart dropped. No… what are you even saying? I shot back, my voice rising.

Jean didn't flinch. What do you mean no? I see it, Anna. I see everything. And whether you admit it or not, that's where this is heading.

I shook my head, backing away a little, feeling a storm rising in my chest. You're not helping, Jean. You're not. I love Sia! I said it with everything I had—in my voice, my eyes, every beat of my heart.

Of course you do—because she's your girlfriend, her tone firm, eyes narrowing. But the way you're talking, it sounds like I'm right. And if you're not ready to let her go even knowing she's hurting then go. Say sorry. But don't be surprised when all of this comes back around again, Anna.

I stayed quiet, chewing on her words like they were bitter.

It's easy if you just let yourself do the work, Jean added, a little softer now. But you're not doing anything. And it's stressing me. So go to Sia. Ask for her forgiveness. Now.

Jean's words were sharp, like a bossy older sister who'd had enough of watching her sibling stumble.

I will, I will, I said quickly, holding my hands up. Jean, calm down.

But my shoulders slumped. First, though… what do I do about Kelly? We made plans for tonight, but if I go… it'll just make things worse with Sia.

Then don't go, Anna, Jean said flatly. Simple as that. You don't want your girl hurt again? Then don't go. I beg you.

She looked so done. So tired of my chaos. And yet, she still cared.

I get it, I said, voice quieter now. I won't go. Thank you, Jean. Really.

I turned to leave, but her voice stopped me just before I reached the door.

Good luck. And don't make Sia cry again. If you do, I will be mad even if we're friends.

I let out a small chuckle, smiling faintly. I won't, I promised, then stepped out, hoping this time I'd make things right.