Chapter 8 : Grief

After training, I walked back to my barracks.

Today was more difficult than most.

Not because of training. Not even from the way soldiers would always 'accidentally' barge me to the floor or any of the other childish bullying.

It was because of the weather.

 It was horrible!

 Grey and dreary, it stretched endlessly. Like a blanket of dull despair that had swallowed the sun and blue sky I once had the privilege of seeing.

"Hey Art!!" Called a voice from behind me.

The smile was already fixed on my face before I even turned around. "Marsh!"

The boy ran up to me, his eyes glinting with an enviable joy. "What're you up to?"

"Nothing much" I sighed. "Just finished some training. How about you."

"Been given the rest of the day off" he said excitedly.

"That's good, what're you planning to do."

He paused for a moment, considering.

 I noticed the shift in his demeanour almost instantly. Marsh always seemed to draw from an endless well of naïve joy and happiness.

But for the first time, that side of him seemed subdued.

Finally he spoke, his voice quieter. "Going to visit their graves'" he whispered softly. "My parent's."

I froze.

'Do I….comfort him? But wouldn't giving condolences feel fake? Maybe cheer him up….would that seem insensitive. Like I'm brushing it off?...damn I'm shit at these things.'

Finally I settled on a response. "Do you want company?"

Marsh paused for a moment, looking up at me. Then he nodded slowly. "If you wouldn't mind."

I smiled reassuringly back at him. "Of course not."

 ....

First I had a shower. The water was freezing cold, the experience feeling more like a blurred battle than enjoyable.

Marsh waited for me outside my barrack. We walked in a companionable silence. Marsh for once didn't seem like he wanted to talk, and I kept my own silence out of respect for him.

He took me to a small, abandoned corner of the city, approaching under the shadow of a building that looked like it had never been used. In a corner, two crosses lay embedded into the ground, made from sticks and tied together by rope.

Marsh approached them, sitting down in front of the two crosses.

"H-hello Mom, Dad. It's me again." His voice cracked slightly, but still he pushed on. "I've been getting good rest, working hard. Keeping myself safe just like you guys told me."

With a twisted heart, I stood silently next to him. I didn't try to console, because I knew from firsthand experience just how fake those words could sometimes feel.

Words didn't help, neither did loud actions. They only pushed a grieving person away. To hide their misery better.

We walked back as rain had begun to fall. Not a harsh stormy downpour. It was more of a melancholic soft shower, like the soft silent tears of nature.

"You know" Marsh began, a forced smile plastered on his lips as if he didn't know what other expression to make. "That's not even their real graves."

I didn't say anything, allowing him to speak uninterrupted.

"Their bodies couldn't be retrieved in the last attack. The rebellion has been trying to take this place for a while, so we get attacked often. They were healers you know. They weren't even meant to be on the frontlines. It's suicide for a healer."

Marsh grit his teeth, voice rising in anger. "They weren't saints. They weren't special. They should have stayed behind. They should-"

Tears began falling from his face now, his composure cracking. "They died out there."

'Ahhh, makes sense now.'

So that's why he was here at such a young age, why I always found him in the infirmary ward.

He truly was a child of this place.

Marsh looked at me, his eyes still red from crying. "You ever lost someone Art?"

I frowned slightly.

Certainly not in my memories as Arthur had I ever really experienced loss. Not the loss of anyone I cared about anyway.

 But then again, I had two lifetimes worth of memories.

"Yeah…once. A long time ago."

"Who was he?"

I smiled reminsciently. "A friend…the best one I ever had."

There was a pause, then, after realising I wasn't going to say anymore, he asked another question.

"Does it get easier?"

I laughed bitterly.

I knew what he was trying to ask.

 Grief was a terrible thing. Losing someone who had become a pillar of someone's life. A love so integrated into a person's life that the concept of one day having to tackle life without them had never even entered as a thought…until the day it became reality.

Perhaps that's why grief hurts so much….in a twisted way, it felt like betrayal. Because you never see it coming.

"Haahh…." I met Marsh's gaze. "I'm sorry…but in my experience, no. Some days are nicer, some are worse. Sometimes you might be so busy you don't even think about it. Sometimes your entire day goes by and you do nothing but think about it. But…it never gets easier. I wish I could tell you otherwise Marsh, truly I do."

He nodded silently, as if confirming what he already knew.

The rest of the journey was in silence.

I waved goodbye to him at the infirmary wing, my mind full of reminiscent memories.

It was because of that I didn't notice Officer Mara until she was right in front of me

"Cadet", she called.

"Yes Ma'am?"

She sighed heavily, eyeing me.

She didn't like me.

I knew that for sure. I didn't hate her for it, because at least she placed a pretense of professionalism.

She pretended I was like anyone else, but the eyes never lie. And those eyes I could recognise well, everyone around me wore them.

As if it was reserved only for me.

"I've sent an official request for you to learn spearmanship. I think you'll be better for it."

I nodded, it wasn't a surprise to me. "Who's in charge of that ma'am?"

"Officer Skelter…report to him immediately."

I froze.

'Ahh fuck.' Officer Skelter. I only learnt his name after he beat almost to death. So far I had done a good job staying the hell away from him.

"I don't th-"

"You will report to his barracks immediately cadet" she overrode, and I could see in her eyes that there was no way I was getting out of this.

I sighed. 'Right…time to get battered again, lovely' The prospect of facing that man again, with his entire unit no less.

Well that was enough fear to make me crap myself there and then.

I knew that she knew what would happen to me. But then again, I was an idiot to think she'd care.

I gave her a salute, a fake smile plastered on my face. I don't even know why I smiled.

But she gave me a firm nod and walked on.

Despite her orders. I didn't go to Officer Skelter immediately.

I decided for a pre-conciliatory walk first before I'd put myself through that torture.