Chapter 5. The Little Pilgrim

Al's mother and father exchanged a knowing glance when they saw their daughter's eyes, swollen as if stung by a wasp. They didn't have to ask—her soul was clearly wrestling with something heavy. At the very least, this was one of the best places to lay it all bare. Al encouraged her parents to head to the mosque for the congregational Fajr prayer, while she chose to pray in the hotel room, waiting for Ahmad to wake from his deep sleep. Her prayers for Ahmad's health and cooperation throughout the umrah trip seemed to have been granted.

"Bundaaa!" a small voice called out from behind her just as Al was completing her final rak'ah."You're not allowed to pray, Bunda!" Ahmad protested. The two-year-old couldn't stand being apart from his mother for even a moment.

After closing her prayer with salam, Al quickly approached Ahmad, still lying in bed."My little righteous boy is awake," she greeted him, her puffy eyes still sparkling with love.She whispered a silent prayer and postponed her dhikr until Ahmad lost interest in chatting. After a bit of cuddling and playing, Al changed his diaper and dressed him in a winter jacket wrapped with a scarf. Though she couldn't pray Fajr at the Prophet's Mosque, she still wanted to be there—feel the morning air of Nabawi and watch Ahmad greet his favorite doves in the courtyard.

Ahmad, who usually made getting ready a challenge, was surprisingly cooperative this morning. Maybe he was just as excited to get out of the hotel room. Ahmad was so much like his father, Ahsan—he loved the outdoors, adventures, and car rides. In fact, it felt like Ahmad was enjoying this long journey more than Al was.

On the walk from the hotel to the mosque, nearly everyone they passed smiled at Ahmad and affectionately called him, "Little Haji! Little Haji!"—a common nickname for Indonesian children on pilgrimage.

True to form, the moment they reached the mosque's courtyard, Ahmad sprinted after the pigeons. His eyes sparkled, his smile and laughter were unrestrained, and now and then he squealed with joy. This was Al's first time here, and she regretted not bringing a bag of corn or rice from home so Ahmad could feed the birds. All he could do was chase them around.

To Al, this sight was more beautiful than anything—the joy on Ahmad's face was the best balm for her aching heart.

The morning sun began to rise, its golden warmth softening the cool air of Madinah. Al was taking it all in when Ahmad suddenly fell. His small cry pulled her back to the moment, and she ran to him. Just as she arrived, Ahmad had already been helped up by Fatah, one of their umrah group members.

"Thank you," Al said quickly, scooping Ahmad into her arms. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Bunda didn't see you."

"It's okay. Boys need to be strong!" Fatah said with a warm grin, patting Ahmad's little winter cap.

Moments later, Al's parents caught up with them. Hearing their grandson cry from afar, they had hurried over as if a serious accident had occurred."He's fine, Mah, Yah. Just tripped," Al said quickly, not wanting to be blamed."Thank goodness," her mother replied with relief."Come, let's grab breakfast before the restaurant closes," Fatah offered. Her parents smiled at the suggestion."Let's go," her father agreed, walking beside Fatah.

Al and her mother followed slowly behind, Al cradling Ahmad."Sweetheart, Fatah is such a good young man, isn't he? Always polite and helping us elders since the beginning of the trip. And he's still single, you know," her mother hinted.

Al stayed silent, but her heart churned.

Here we go again… Every time there's a kind, single man, they always say the same thing. Don't my feelings matter? Is it wrong that my heart still belongs to Mas Ahsan? I know you're not supposed to hold on to someone who's no longer here, but isn't there a view that a woman will be with her last husband in Jannah? What if I remarry? I still want to be with Mas Ahsan in the Hereafter. And don't they realize—I'm a widow with a child. A single man would obviously look for someone who's also single. Why would he choose a widow with a child?