He Is Dead

CASTIEL'S POINT OF VIEW}

My hands quivered as I quickly rinsed the blood off them in my bathroom sink, my being shuddered as if I'd been sodden with the most frigid water and the vision before me whirled in endless motion. I felt light-headed and the desire to throw up was strong on my throat as the flash of Warren's lifeless body graced my mind—unable to resist it any longer, I bent over the sink and emptied my stomach.

His blood that assembled large puddles on the ground, his lifeless body as the ambulance took him into their van, I only watched from afar as they took him away and lastly, the way he looked at me made me feel like I was slitting my guts. I'd dated him for months and never for once had he ascertained that kind of expression, I never thought his eyes could display such horridness.

When I felt there was nothing to unload, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My brown hair was a mishmash, my grey eyes were a glaring red and my face was tender. I couldn't identify my reflection.

The one staring back at me was a weakling stricken with apprehension of what people would think and what his parents would do. He was a doormat who left the one he claimed he loved to die! B-but Warren wouldn't die right? I'd called the emergency line, he had to make it and he had to forgive me.

Sluggishly, I sank down to the bathroom floor and recoiled to the wall, hugging my knees to my chest.

"I-I-I'm sorry. Please don't die. I love you so much."

Forgive me!

***

Just like that, a week went by with no sign of Warren, no one seemed to care or notice his absence and the events of that night were never spoken of, it was like it never happened and Warren never existed. I tried calling but his line was inaccessible, even his house number wasn't going through. He just disappeared from the surface of the earth.

"What if he's dead?" Sage inquired beside me at the school's rooftop.

Fast my breath hitched and my stomach stirred. "You think so?" I nattily looked at him.

He shrugged. "Just saying. It has been a week and no one has heard anything from him. I bet people do not even realize he's not in school. Maybe he's dead."

"No!" I quickly shook my head. "T-the ambulance got to him on time. Perhaps he's not recovered. He just needs more time. He's going to show up, I know he will. I will spend my whole life asking his forgiveness if I have too."

"Graduation is in a week, if he doesn't show up till then, then I fear it might be too late. What you did was shitty, man. Warren would have never done that to you."

My hands wad into fists. I know and I would never forgive myself for it.

***

It went on hands and knees but graduation finally came but still no sign of Warren anywhere.

"Castiel, smile for the Camera."

The loud voice of my mom compelled a smile to extend on my lips.

"Sage, Yvette, join him."

I didn't move as Sage and Yvette in their graduation gown hurried beside me.

"You should smile a bit Castiel, it's a relief that we're leaving this place in one piece." Yvette jammed my rib with her elbow while looking at the camera with a big smile.

"You should go to his house. This is your last chance at apologies and goodbyes." Sage whispered on my left.

"I've never been to his house before."

"Well, this can be your first."

"What are you two whispering about? All I can hear is the sound of buzzing bees." Yvette chimed in once Mom stopped taking the pictures.

I looked at her. "Can I borrow your car? I didn't come with my car and I can't use my parents and I really need to be somewhere right now. Please."

She looked at me with a pout before shoving the keys in front of my face, when I reached out to grab them, she held it out of my reach. "You'll tell me everything once you return right? No secret. You swear."

I gave her a tight smile and snatched the keys from her. "I promise, Yvette." I didn't wait for her response as I swiftly turned and hurried towards the parking lot.

"Castiel, where are you going?!" Mom yelled behind me but turning back meant doing something I would regret again, so I didn't.

***

The drive to Warren's home took an hour and half. I parked the car in front of the gate I knew belonged to his because it was the only mansion in the whole neighborhood. When I got out of the car with my graduation gown dumped at the backseat, I noticed the sky was already slowly darkening.

I reached forward and rang the front bell and waited. At the second ring, the front door finally opened to reveal a woman probably in her late fifties. She walked down the front porch and headed towards the gate.

"How can I help you, young man?" She articulated in a husky voice after thoroughly surveying her brown eyes over me.

Suddenly my palms felt moist and couldn't help but rub them together. "I-I'm Warren's friend from school. He hasn't been in school for a while now and has missed graduation, I just want to know if he's alright?" Fortunately my voice didn't sound as awful as it was in my head.

Again, her eyes inspected me from head to toe. "Sir Warren never told me about having friends in school, unless you're Castiel?" There was no morsel of emotion in her tone.

Sir Warren? I decided to ignore that part of the sentence. "Yes, I'm Castiel. Please, can I see him?"

"You're too late." She blunted.

My lips parted. "W-what do you mean?"

"He's dead. The stab was too deep and he lost too much blood. His monument is at the back, do you want to say your last goodbyes?"

My brain stopped functioning after the first stop, I almost didn't hear the rest of her words as I tramped back.

He was dead.

Did she know I was the one who killed him, would she let a murderer into her home if she knew?

A choke tore out of me and with a sharp reel, I sprinted back into my car and drove off. Running away again because that was the only thing I was good at.

The road ahead of me became unclear with the tears streaming down my face, my hands around the wheel quaver as I took a sudden turn with no sense of direction. I didn't care where I was headed and I didn't care how fast I was going, I just wanted to get away…perhaps to a place where no one would find me.

If I had tried to stop them, if I had stayed, if I had tried harder, he wouldn't have died. I really killed him.

The sound of my phone ringing yanked me out of my thoughts and I picked up my phone and answered the call when I saw that it was Sage.

"Did you see him?" Sage's voice came from the other side.

I shook my head but quickly realized he couldn't see me. "I didn't. He's dead, Sage. He really is dead and I killed him." I shrieked into the phone.

"Where are you right now?" His voice suddenly became urgent.

"I don't know."

"What's your speed?"

I didn't bother looking, my blurry vision remained on the road. "I don't know."

"Calm down, Castiel and slow down. Find a parking spot. Castiel, can you hear me? CASTIEL!"

I heard him but at the same time I didn't. One moment it was too bright, making me look away from the road and the next moment, I felt a thundering blow and everything went blank.

***

"Can you hear me?"

When I opened my eyes, it was so bright that it hurt my head and when I adjusted, I found a doctor staring down at me.

"Good. You're awake." She wrote in her chart. "Can you tell me what you remember?"

What I remembered? I repeated the words to myself and searched through my memories but it was blank, everything was dark and quiet. "I don't remember."

"Can you at least tell me your name?"

"I don't remember".