MORTIFICATION AND SOMETHING ELSE

I am not a queen because I rule, I rule because I am THE QUEEN.

Birthed in my heart. Alive in my veins…

*****************

Dorian and the other soldiers rode on their horses while Zorgan and Nadezhda sat in the carriage provided by Queen Maeve.

Across from her, he wore a smile that spoke of sunshine and serendipity, like her presence had lit up his world, and that look unsettled her because she had no idea what it meant. The smiles he had always sent to her were always mischievous and held hidden meanings. But this one was full and…soft.

‘He’s soaked in liquor Nadezhda. His mind isn’t his right now.’

There was a contradiction.

Despite the sharp cut of his jaw and the frightening size of his frame, there was a fragile warmth in the narrow pull of the eyes on her. He held his hands between his thighs, curled inward in an attempt to warm himself from the cold only he could feel like he was trying not to shiver as a little child would.

‘Little child? Zorgan?! One of the feared commanders of the South?

Oh Nadezhda, just get your eyes off him. That’s the reason you are noticing what is not.

Or this could be the poison still lingering.

What am I supposed to do when he sits there staring at me like that? By the Heavens, I could kick him straight to the moon!’

She broke the gaze, focusing instead on the trees slipping past the carriage window.

‘‘Y’think… y’think you could forgive me? Just… just maybe? I didn’t help you. Couldn’t. My Mother…she’s the Queen. The Queen. And me? If I could be King…I’d protect you. Swear I would. But I can’t. Can’t even get close to the throne. I’d die. I’d see my brother and I’d have…nothin’. Not a thing. Empty hands. Can’t…’’

With a tremble in his voice and a sulky pout on his face, Zorgan stumbled over his words and Nadezhda had to bring her eyes back to him.

‘‘You were smiling only a moment ago.

Has some spirit taken possession of you?

You have no idea how ridiculous you appear. When you are sober, I’m going to-” Nadezhda paused as his sulky expression deepened.

‘Oh, I’m going to strangle the life out of you…’

She decided to be truthful; it felt safe, seeing as he was drunk.

Last night, Dorian followed Zorgan at a relatively safe distance immediately Zorgan left the house.

He had not seen Zorgan with that blood-marked expression since Zorgan lost his twin when they were all little boys.

The soldiers had let him through a few moments after Zorgan because they were aware he was Zorgan’s trusted aide.

After the Queen had entered the dining chamber, he had stayed by the doors and listened up until the fight began.

He couldn’t go in but he had hoped Nadezhda would be able to help reduce the punishment that would be Zorgan’s. He had ridden back that night and had waited till the morning to inform Nadezhda.

Calling it a surprise felt almost dishonest.

Nadezhda hadn’t believed for a moment that it could be real. She hadn’t even dared believe it to be real. She tried to convince herself that Dorian was teasing- until he let her mount the horse, until he said nothing as she neared the courtroom.

Then she knew.

Zorgan had truly gone, leaving behind a trail of mayhem because of how she had been wronged. Being mistreated wasn’t unfamiliar. It was a rhythm she had grown used to. It made her sharp and fast with her tongue.

But to be defended? To be listened to?

That…that was something else entirely.

Then she remembered something he had said while she peered down on him like one of her strict and wicked governesses.

‘…Can you just think of it as the key to freeing me from a certain misery?

Tell me what and tell me who!’

Her legs had immediately broken in a run as she neared the Scourge Sanctum.

She inched closer in the carriage, their knees brushing ever so slightly. Her voice dipped as the urge to fix his hair itched her fingers, but her grey went to the sad ebony of his eyes.

‘‘You foolish Dragon… you-you did more than enough.

Had I known my words could move you to action, I might have held them back.

But you did listen- and – and acted…’’ A tear strolled down an eye, but she made no move to wipe it off.

‘‘That buys you one favour- anything you want, just once. No questions, no refusal. It’s yours.

Well…if you don’t forget,’’ she said, dabbing the tear away with a shaky smile.

She was about to sink back into her seat when he caught her hand. She glanced at their joined hands, then back to his face- his expression was suddenly, deeply serious.

“You think I did well?’’ he asked.

Maybe it was the emotion lingering in her chest, but she leaned in again, gently tucking a stray lock behind his ear.

‘‘Yes, Dragon. You did well’’.

His face lit up with a wide, toothy grin.

She couldn’t help but laugh as he retracted his hand, folding it between his thighs.

His shifts in mood were now dizzying.

Her eyes went back to the window, her being as light as a feather.

Soon they were at Zorgan’s mini Palace.

Dorian and the soldier guided him up the stairs, slow and heavy. At his door, she took over from the soldier and sent him off with instructions.

‘‘Please get a washcloth, some water, and ointment, or simply ask one of my ladies’’

Straining toward the bed, she grumbled, “He’s like an elephant on liquor!’’

Just as they tried to ease him down, he pulled Nadezhda with him in a clumsy drag. He lay face down, while she lay on her back. His arm quickly slid across her midsection, anchoring her in place. Nadezhda blinked, wide-eyed.

Dorian turned aside, biting down a smile.

She recovered and tried to move his arm, but it was like dislodging a tree root- impossible and heavy with intention.

‘‘Dorian’’ she called exasperated, “I’ll need some assistance.’’

‘‘No’’ Zorgan growled. Then he tightened his hold, dragging her closer with startling tenderness. His face nestled into the curve of her neck.

“Don’t go,’’ he breathed, voice fading into something whispery.

Then he inhaled slowly, deliberately, as if breathing her in.

‘‘Heavens,’’ he sighed. ‘’Oakmoss. Huh, I like-” he whispered in winded pieces.

If mortification had a colour and texture, Nadezhda had both in the moment- red, silent and seconds from collapse.

Dorian was on the brink of losing access to the building forever.

The soldier returned with Aida and the supplies Nadezhda had requested. Dorian accepted them wordlessly, and both he and Aida wore the most neutral expressions they could manage.

With Zorgan flat on his back, Dorian made quick work of the remnants of his shirt and began cleaning the wounds. Zorgan didn’t flinch or even breathe differently. But the moment Nadezhda tried to move, he released a low grunt- and that single sound locked her in place, frozen in a stew of embarrassment and mild frustration.

Aida gently slipped off Nadezhda’s shoes, then helped Zorgan with his. By the time the salve was applied to Zorgan’s back, Nadezhda’s body was beginning to surrender to rest.

Dorian and Aida exited, both sharing a quiet grin before they let the door close softly behind them.