6: Better Dead than Red

The Pizza Hut encounter with Morgan left me shaken, but life moves on. That's how it works, one minute, you're having the most awkward conversation of your life with your girlfriend's coworker who caught you watching porn, and the next, you're back in the comfort of your living room, pretending everything is normal.

I adjust my laptop on my thighs, careful not to disturb Lana's legs stretched across my lap. She's scrolling through her phone, occasionally glancing up at the TV where "Love on the Spectrum" plays. Her fuzzy pink socks press against my side as she wiggles her toes absently.

"This show makes me so happy," she murmurs, not looking up from her phone. "Everyone deserves to find someone who gets them."

"Mmm," I agree, but I'm only half listening. My attention is focused on the Discord message I'm typing:

Smolblunts: Dude, you're not going to believe what happened today. I ran into my girlfriend's coworker, and it was the most awkward conversation of my life.

I hit send and wait, watching the notification my friend is typing almost immediately. Redheadloverx always seems to be online whenever I need to talk. It's become one of the most reliable parts of my day over the past two months since meeting him through my stories.

Redheadloverx: Oh shit, man. Did she recognize you from somewhere?

I snort at how close yet how far off the mark he is.

Smolblunts: Not exactly. But get this, turns out she's read all my stories. Even the Zelda one that's not publicly posted.

Redheadloverx: No way! How the hell did she find that?

Smolblunts: Apparently, bae's been showing my work to people at her job. Talking me up.

Lana shifts on the couch, her legs pressing more firmly against mine as she finds a more comfortable position. She looks up from her phone briefly, giving me a soft smile that makes my heart do that familiar flip.

"What are you grinning at?" she asks.

"Just chatting with my buddy," I say, nodding toward my laptop.

She nods, seemingly satisfied with my answer, and returns to her phone. It's strange how comfortably we've settled into this arrangement - me with my online life she knows almost nothing about, her with her work life I'm not supposed to ask about. Two people sharing a couch, sharing a life, with carefully constructed walls between certain parts of ourselves.

Redheadloverx: That's actually really sweet man. Your girl's proud of you.

I smile at my screen, feeling a warmth spread through my chest. It's nice having someone to talk to about this stuff, especially a guy who gets it.

Redheadloverx: she doesn't know about the cuck shit you write, right?

I feel a twang of guilt. I've only confided in red about how I secretly write cuckold stories on the side to try to manage these feelings. The other Discord members think I'm just into femdom. It's my way of processing, my therapy.

Smolblunts: No, thank god id be horrified

Redheadloverx: lol, but they're not bad

Smolblunts: I think Bae would be horrified if she knew the truth

I glance over at Lana, who's completely absorbed in her show now, laughing quietly at something on screen.

Smolblunts: my girlfriend's coworker figured out I was jerking off to videos of bae's videos, though

Redheadloverx: lmao, how?

Smolblunts: she caught me in the lie. I told her I'd been looking her up specifically after meeting her, but she knew I must have been watching my gf's videos to recognize her.

Redheadloverx: So dumb, dude. So what did you do?

Smolblunts: panicked, admitted it, then begged her not to tell my gf

Redheadloverx: What did she think about your little obsession?

I cringe at his phrasing, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. Red has always been straightforward about his opinions on my relationship, never quite understanding why I'd put myself through the emotional rollercoaster of dating a pornstar.

Smolblunts: She called it "emotional masochism," actually. Said it was leaving scars I couldn't see.

Redheadloverx: Smart woman. I've been telling you the same thing for weeks, bro. It's not healthy what you're doing.

I sigh, glancing over at Lana who's now completely engrossed in her show, oblivious to my digital confession session. Red means well, but he doesn't get the full picture. Nobody does.

Smolblunts: It's complicated man. I love her.

Redheadloverx: Love shouldn't hurt like this. I'm not saying dump her, but maybe have a real conversation about boundaries? Or her career choices?

It's the same suggestion he always makes, delivered gently enough that I don't immediately get defensive but firmly enough that I know he's serious.

Smolblunts: The pornstar coworker said she's retiring soon. Made it sound easy.

Redheadloverx: Well, she probably doesn't have your girlfriend's popularity. Different contracts, different situations.

I raise an eyebrow at the screen. That's oddly specific industry knowledge for a random guy on Discord.

Smolblunts: How do you know so much about porn contracts?

There's a longer pause than usual before his response appears.

Redheadloverx: I read some articles online. Pornstars talk about that stuff in interviews sometimes. Just trying to be informed before giving you advice, man.

Redheadloverx: So what are you going to do about the coworker? Think she'll keep your secret?

Smolblunts: I hope so. She seemed understanding, but there was something weird about her. Almost like she enjoyed having leverage over me.

Redheadloverx: I'm sure she wouldn't snitch.

Redheadloverx: Look, man, if you're hell-bent on dating a pornstar, why not date her instead? She's retiring anyway.

I stare at the message, blinking several times to make sure I read it correctly. It's such an absurd suggestion that I can't help but laugh out loud, drawing Lana's attention.

"What's so funny?" she asks, looking up from her phone.

"Nothing, just guy stuff," I say, waving dismissively. She rolls her eyes good-naturedly and returns to her scrolling.

Smolblunts: Dude, are you seriously suggesting I dump my high school sweetheart for her coworker? The one who just caught me watching porn of my own girlfriend? That's insane.

Redheadloverx: Just thinking practically. You're clearly into the whole porn thing but hate the jealousy, right? She's getting out of the industry, problem solved. Plus she already knows about your femdom writing and seems cool with it.

Smolblunts: You're out of your mind. I love bae. Besides, I barely know Morgan.

Redheadloverx: Morgan? That's her name? Pretty.

I frown at the screen. I didn't mean to dox her. Despite being close with Red, I keep my personal details private.

Smolblunts: Yeah, I guess. And seriously, no. That's not even remotely an option.

Redheadloverx: Dude, if she's an ex-pornstar, she'd probably let you smash while you watch her videos. Best of both worlds.

I stare at the message, my mouth going dry as the visual floods my mind, Morgan beneath me while she moans on screen.

Smolblunts: Man, that's... I don't even know what to say to that.

Redheadloverx: Just saying, bro. She could be into it. Pornstars are built different.

I glance over at Lana, so innocent in her fuzzy socks, completely unaware of my depraved conversation. What would it be like? Watching Morgan get filled by another man while I'm inside of her? Or even better, being with Lana right after a shoot, her body still warm from another man, his seed still inside her, while we watch the footage together?

Holy shit. My cock stiffens instantly at the thought.

Smolblunts: That would be insane. Fucking bae while she's full of another guy's cum, watching her videos at the same time.

Redheadloverx: No way your gf would go for it. She seems way too kind for that type of kink.

I sigh, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. Red always seems to understand the dynamics at play better than I do.

Smolblunts: It's too scary to even ask, man. What if she resents me for it?"

Redheadloverx: She probably would resent you for it. I wouldn't ask her if I was you.

Redheadloverx: I'm just saying if the ultimate goal is something like that, then maybe this coworker is the way to go.

I shake my head, fingers flying across the keyboard.

Smolblunts: She doesn't even like me, dude, and I'm in love with bae.

Redheadloverx: Real.

I close my laptop with a sigh, feeling strangely conflicted. Red always challenges me in ways that make me uncomfortable, but he gets me like no one else does. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm too open with him, sharing fantasies I'd never admit to anyone else, but he's just so easy to get along with.

Lana shifts beside me, setting her phone down on the coffee table. She turns to face me, tucking her legs underneath her body. There's something in her expression, a fidgety energy that catches my attention immediately.

"Oh baby, by the way, tomorrow I have a podcast interview with Amber Silver."

"Oh yeah, I forgot," I reply, vaguely remembering her mentioning this a week ago.

Lana looks a little nervous, her fingers stroking with the hem of her shirt. "Do you care if I say I have a boyfriend? I really don't want to have to pretend to be single." Her eyes meet mine, vulnerable and seeking reassurance. "I really love you a lot, Adam."

The earnestness in her voice makes my chest tighten. Despite everything, her career, my jealousy, the complications, she wants the world to know I exist, that she belongs to someone. To me.

"Of course, you can tell people about me," I say, reaching for her hand. "I'm not ashamed of us, Lana."

Relief washes over her face. "You mean that? Because some guys in your position... they wouldn't want anyone to know."

I think about it for a moment, scratching the back of my neck. The idea of being publicly acknowledged as her boyfriend makes my heart swell, but the thought of my parents finding out through some random podcast interview makes my stomach twist.

"Maybe just don't name me directly? I'm not really ready to tell my family."

Lana tilts her head, a small crease forming between her eyebrows. "Doesn't Sarah already know?"

"I mean other than my sister." I fidget with a loose thread on the couch cushion. "You know how my mom is."

She smiles, a soft, understanding smile that makes me feel both loved and slightly ashamed. "Of course."

I nod, grateful for her understanding. "Thanks, babe."