CHAPTER EIGHT

Nora's week went by way too fast. She had a lot to do: her guitar class, her cooking class, and the tough job of getting things ready for Caleb's funeral. The memorial was coming up in just six days, and it felt like time was running away from her. She sat at the kitchen table in her mom's house. Her hands held a warm mug of coffee. She looked out the window at the foggy morning outside. The air smelled damp, and the quiet made her feel alone. She didn't want to think about Caleb or the secret messages he sent to another woman right before his car crash. But her brain wouldn't stop thinking about it.

Who was that other woman? Was she prettier? Did she laugh more? She glanced at her reflection in the toaster, her blonde bob neat, green eyes looked sleepy but still sparked a little, black sweater dress hugging her curves. "Drop-dead gorgeous," Maya always teased, Lila adding, "Face card never declines." Nora wasn't stuck-up...she'd shrug it off but she knew she was pretty, her figure a constant chat in their group texts. Guys noticed her, but she'd stayed loyal to Caleb. So why her? Nora didn't want to fight this woman, just… talk, maybe over coffee at Philz, and ask, "What did he make you feel? Did you love him too?" Maybe they'd share stories, laugh, become friends. She snorted, stirring her coffee until it was perfect. Yeah, right.

She moved her spoon slowly in her coffee, making little swirls. I can't keep doing this, she thought.

"Stop it," she said out loud to herself. She put the mug down gently, so it didn't spill. She reached for her dad's old diary on the table. The cover was soft and scratched up from years of use. She wanted to think about happy stuff instead like her mom's tight hugs that smelled like vanilla, Ellie's goofy self, her friend's silly text messages that made her giggle, or the smooth feel of her guitar when she played a song. Caleb used to be her whole world. Even though he broke her heart, she still missed him so much. After the funeral, I'll let him go, she promised herself. She tucked the pendant he gave her...a little silver heart under her sweater so she couldn't see it. That was her big plan.

Her phone wouldn't stop buzzing. Messages kept popping up about the funeral. The community center was all set for 30 people to come. They had a projector ready to show pictures of Caleb...him smiling, playing guitar, walking on the beach. White lilies, his favorite flowers, would arrive at 10 a.m. A nice man named Reverend Patel would talk for a bit. Nora had called every single person twice to check everything was perfect. The day before, she'd made a hard phone call to the coroner's office. Her hands shook as she held the phone. "What's left of Caleb?" she asked in a tiny voice."Just ashes," the man on the phone said. His voice was gentle. "We'll bring them tomorrow at 2 p.m."

"Ashes?" Nora's voice got even smaller. "Nothing else is left?"

"The crash was really bad," he said, trying to be nice. "The fire burned up everything else. I'm so sorry."

She said goodbye and hung up. She stared at the kitchen counter, where a crumb sat all alone. Tears filled her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Ashes. That's all Caleb was now...just ashes, plus his pendant and a little note he wrote her once. It didn't feel real. She grabbed the pendant tight in her hand. She could still hear his loud laugh in her head and feel his big hugs from that day at the beach when the waves crashed loud. In six days, she'd say goodbye forever, but she still needed a coffin for the memorial to feel right.

Her friends Maya and Lila kept sending her texts. "We want to help you," Maya wrote. "You don't have to do this all by yourself," Lila added. Nora's chest felt heavy, like a rock was sitting on it. "I need to do this alone," she texted back. "I love you both, and I'm okay." She got up and put on black jeans, a thick sweater that kept her warm, and her favorite brown boots. She left her bright, happy clothes hanging in the closet. She grabbed her car keys and stepped outside into the thick fog.

The funeral home was called Cypress Memorial. It was close to Market Street, where cars honked all the time. The building had gray walls that looked gloomy in the rain. Inside, it smelled like old wood and sweet flowers. It was so quiet her boots made a big thump-thump sound on the shiny floor. Nora felt too young to be there, picking out a coffin for the man she loved. At 23?? No she wasn't supposed to be here just that life doesn't seem to care. But Caleb deserved a good goodbye. He was there for her when her dad died...holding her tight, making her laugh even when she was sad. That Caleb didn't seem like the same guy who sent secret messages. It mixed up her feelings.

A woman named Ellen walked over. She had gray hair tied in a bun and a soft, kind face. "Can I help you?" she asked in a quiet voice."I need a coffin," Nora said. Her voice wobbled like she might cry. "For my boyfriend's memorial. He died last week."

"I'm really sorry," Ellen said. She put her hand on Nora's arm for a second. "What was he like?"Nora smiled just a tiny bit. "Caleb was special. He played guitar in little bars, but he'd cry at sappy love movies. He loved simple stuff like wood, music, and the beach." Her voice broke as she pictured him sitting on their old couch, strumming his guitar, grinning at her with his messy brown hair in his eyes.

Ellen showed her lots of coffins...some were dark wood, some had fancy carvings, some were shiny metal. Nora stopped when she saw one made of walnut wood. It looked warm and strong, just like Caleb's guitar. "This one," she said. "How much is it?"

"Twenty-five hundred dollars," Ellen answered. "It's plain and nice, like he might have liked."Nora's heart felt sore. "Yes." She remembered how Caleb quit his band to help her pay for school, how he drove her to job interviews in his beat-up truck, and how he jumped up and down when she got her first job. Then she thought of those messages he sent to another woman. Why, Caleb? Tears started coming, but she blinked hard to push them back. "Can you write something on it? His name, Caleb, and 'Yours Until It Wasn't.'"

Ellen smiled gently. "That's pretty. It sounds like he was a big part of your life."

"He was," Nora whispered. She touched the pendant under her sweater. "Until he wasn't." She felt mad all of a sudden...how could he love her so much but hurt her like that?

She signed the papers with her neat handwriting. "Please bring it to Golden Gate Cemetery by Friday," she said. "The spot on the hill near the bay, where you can hear the water."

"Of course," Ellen said, handing her a receipt. "You're doing something good for him. That's real love, even when it's tough."

Nora nodded. Her throat hurt too much to talk. She stepped outside, and the rain felt cold on her face. The city was loud...cars honking, people yelling, umbrellas popping open. She didn't notice someone standing across the street by the newsstand, watching her as she climbed into her car.

She drove around for a while. Her car was chilly, and her phone kept buzzing with calls from Maya and Lila. She didn't pick up. "I'm fine," she said to herself, even though she wasn't sure. She turned on Bon Iver's Holocene, a slow song Caleb loved. It made her sad. She thought about eating tacos with him in the Mission, racing down twisty Lombard Street in his truck, kissing him at the pier with salty wind in her hair. The pendant pushed against her chest, and she squeezed the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white.

Maybe I should leave, she thought. Go far away to a new place with no memories. California...just anywhere but here. But her mom, Ellie, Maya, and Lila...they were her family. She couldn't leave them behind. She drove down Haight Street, past bright shops with tie-dye shirts and musicians playing drums on the sidewalk. She switched the music to The National's About Today. Caleb's voice popped into her head: This is us, Mickey Mouse. She wiped her wet eyes with her sleeve and said, "Stop it, Nora."

After driving for an hour, she felt worn out. She parked at Maya and Lila's house in Noe Valley. Their house was painted teal, and tiny white lights hung outside like stars. Her legs wobbled as she climbed the steps. The door flew open, and Maya and Lila stood there, their faces full of worry.

"You didn't answer us!" Maya said, grabbing her arm and pulling her inside. "We were so scared!"

"I'm so sorry," Nora said. Her voice cracked like it might break. The house was warm and cozy...candles flickered on the table, a fluffy rug sat under her feet, and pictures of them hung on the walls. She flopped onto the couch and started crying hard. Lila wrapped her arms around her, and Maya held her hands tight."It's okay to cry," Lila said softly. "You don't have to be strong every minute."

"He's just ashes," Nora sobbed. "And he hurt me, but I still love him, and I don't get why he picked her." Maya looked right at her. "You're amazing, Nora. Caleb messed up. No one's better than you."

"Amazing," Lila said again, hugging her tighter. "We're here for you, always."

Nora's tears slowed down. She leaned into Lila's arms, feeling safe. Maya grinned, trying to make her feel better. "Remember when Caleb tried camping and set the tent on fire with a marshmallow?"

Nora laughed a little, her nose stuffy. "He thought that burnt marshmallow was so great. He called it 'special.'"

"Special mess," Lila said, smiling big. "And you ate it, Nora. You're way too nice."

They all laughed, and the room didn't feel so heavy anymore. Maya jumped up. "Let's eat! Chef Nora, can you cook something? Bless us with one of your delicacies.I'm super hungry."

Nora smiled. "Okay, just because you're terrible at cooking." She walked to the kitchen. It was small and messy...dirty cups in the sink, art supplies scattered on the counter. She made lemon herb chicken. She chopped the herbs fast, and the garlic popped and sizzled in the hot pan. She made the plates look perfect, adding a tiny green sprig of parsley on top. Maya sneaked a carrot slice, her blue nail polish shining.

"Lila, you need to learn this, sign up for this class ASAP" Maya teased. "Nora's too good."

"Learn?" Lila said, pouring juice into glasses. "She's like a chef on TV!"

"I'd eat your food forever," Maya said, grinning. "Two hot chefs in the house? Perfect. I'd be living my dream"

Nora laughed, wiping a smudge off the plate. "I'd make you pay me." They sat on the floor to eat because the table wobbled too much. The chicken tasted juicy and yummy. "This is so good," Lila said. "You make my takeouts taste bad."

"Mom should taste this," Nora said. She called her mom on video. Her mom's face popped up, covered in white flour from baking. "Nora, you're doing okay! That chicken looks so tasty. Stay with your friends tonight...I'm busy making scones."

"Sleepover!" Maya yelled, giving Lila a high-five. Nora laughed, feeling lighter.The night was so much fun. They sang karaoke with the music turned up loud. Maya knocked over a lamp while belting out a Whitney Houston song, her arms waving like a bird. Lila danced to Single Ladies, tripping over her own feet, which made Nora laugh until her belly ached. "You're so bad at this," Maya said, tossing popcorn at Lila. They watched Thor: Ragnarok on the couch, munching popcorn and sipping soda. "To good nights," Maya said, holding up her glass.

"And to you," Lila said, looking at Nora. "You're stronger than you think."

Nora's eyes got watery. "I'm lucky I have you two."

"Always," Maya said, throwing a pillow at her. "We're the Three Musketeers."

They stayed up late, talking about everything...Lila's new painting of a sunset, Maya's annoying boss at work, and Nora's guitar class where she learned a new chord. "You're doing awesome," Lila said, sketching a quick drawing of Nora with her guitar. Nora fell asleep on the couch, Maya snoring loud next to her, Lila's pencil scratching softly. The pendant felt warm against her skin, and a tiny smile stayed on her face as she dreamed.