So Many Doubts

*Rose*

Vienna's eyes become shrewd, taking me in as though she's seeing me in a new light.

“You are glowing!” she says. I feel a warmth creep into my cheeks. I feel rejuvenated after my bath. It was a peaceful soak, and I had been relieved when Shelby had walked out of the room, allowing me to bathe in private. For once.

The soapy warm water seems to have made the hue in my skin radiate. The hickey marks on my neck appear to be brighter as well.

I wince and move my head back as Vienna brings a brush with concealer close to the marks. I don’t want the marks covered. I want to broadcast them to the world. She looks down at me and smiles.

“I don’t think there is a need for that,” I say. I really am proud of my hickey marks. I can hear a faint groan coming from Vienna. It appears she doesn’t quite agree with my decision.

“I think it is best if we cover them. The lunch buffet we have planned is going to host lots of people. It is bad enough that everyone already knows about your private affairs with the Alphas, but actually walking around with a hickey or two will only make matters more awkward.”

I lick my lips as I regard Vienna through her reflection in the vanity mirror in front of me. I mean, the mark is special to me, but I think she has a point: walking around with this will just be a reminder to everyone about my position here to fuck four Alphas. I know this is probably a secret elation and win that I should keep to myself.

I nod my head at her. She smiles and proceeds to cover my love bites with a generous amount of concealer. When she is done, I take a look at myself. There is hardly any evidence of the marks that grace my neck. Now, all I have to cling to are the memories of the gentleness Mark had ravished me with. That reminder is enough to cause a warm feeling to surge inside my chest.

After all the maids leave the room, I walk over to the tray that has been placed on the bedside table. I lift the silver cover from one of the plates, and the aroma of freshly fried hash browns hits my nostrils. I feel my mouth salivating.

I sit on the edge of the bed, and without bothering to take a fork, I pick up some hash browns between my fingers and shove them into my mouth. Two slices of toast are on another saucer, and I take one with my other hand and sink my teeth into the crispy bread.

I close my eyes and relish in the moment of bliss. It’s like I have never tasted toast before. This is plain old bread, yet it tastes like some aphrodisiac at this present moment. After clearing the food and fruit in most of the dishes on the tray, I wash it all down with a glass of pineapple juice.

I look down at my abdomen and chuckle. I look like I am already a few months pregnant. I know this isn’t possible. I might not know much about getting pregnant, but I am sure one doesn’t begin showing after one night. I just ate like a little pig. I enjoy eating without an audience because then I don’t have to worry about etiquette.

I slump back onto the mattress and lie facing upward. The movement of the sun rays on the ceiling is mesmerizing.

“I think we are on a first name basis now, baby.” Mark’s words from last night echo in my mind. I smile. I, Rose, am his ‘baby.’ I giggle and the sound resonates in the empty room. Should I perhaps find a pet name for him too?

‘Sweetie?’ I shake my head. That just sounds so cliché and old fashioned. I need something a bit unique. ‘Love…?’ That is just jumping into dangerous territories. This is simply a duty and not love.

I close my eyes as I feel a lump form in my throat. This is hard. How am I to share all this with him without actually developing any feelings for him? Is it easy for him to just go along with this ‘duty’ without developing any deeper emotions?

I struggle to take in a steadying breath. I think I am falling for Alpha Mark. This isn’t good. It isn’t part of this contract that I have to fulfill.

I feel my mind drift into the dimness.

It seems my eyes were closed for just a minute before I feel someone shaking me. “My lady, you have to get ready for lunch.”

I blink at Vienna, trying to remember where I am. The light from outside is still shining with determined brightness. I must have drifted off to sleep.

“What time is it?” I ask her before adding groggily. “And I thought I told you to call me Rose.”

She shifts her weight to her other foot, and I can tell that my constant prodding for her to call me by my given name is making her uncomfortable.

I get up and walk to the mirror. Well, whatever makeup they are using sure holds up quite well. All I need to do is run a brush through my hair and put a touch of lip gloss on my lips before going to the dining room for lunch.

After a little touch-up, I walk down the long hallway toward the dining room. I wonder where Shelby is. I suppose I will find her there.

When I walk into the dining room, everybody is already seated. I breathe in relief to see that none of the Alphas are around. It seems to be just a women's affair. However, I don’t see Shelby among the occupants of the room.

As my eyes dart around the room, they land on Emily. She looks at me with pure disdain, but for some reason, I am not fazed. I meet her challenging eyes with my own unwavering stare. It seems like we are shooting silent daggers at each other with only our looks.

“Look who has decided to join us. If it isn’t the little for-hire breeder.”

Great, more belittling words. I don’t expect any different. I am a nobody compared to her social class.

But, is it me or do the woman’s lips continue to look like duck’s lips each time she says a mean statement? IS she making that pose on purpose? If so, why isn’t anyone telling her it just makes her look super silly?

Kelly waves at me from the left side of the table and pats the empty seat next to her. I smile and walk toward her. At least I won’t have to feel like the unpopular kid in high school who isn’t welcomed at anyone’s table. I can sit with Eli’s sister.

“Hey,” she greets me as I settle next to her.

“Hi,” I answer and return her smile.

“You look beautiful,” she says, and I feel my cheeks begin to feel warm. Is this goddess really complementing poor old me? My smile grows wider.

“I hear Alpha Mark is in a sour mood today. He even refused to eat his breakfast. Seems like something took away his appetite. It surely must have been something quite disgusting for him to not even be able to stomach his food. Something about last night. I wonder what it is that could have gotten him so flustered. The poor Alpha.”

I turn around to face the speaker. My eyes meet Emily’s mocking gaze. I feel my chest tighten. What is she talking about? Who told her about Alpha Mark?

“How would you know that?” Kelly asks, echoing my very thoughts and questions.

“A maid overheard him talking to the other Alphas as they were having breakfast,” Emily answers coolly.

Kelly tsks. “I thought you were intelligent and classy enough not to indulge in idle servant gossip.”

Emily flips her hair back. “It’s not idle gossip if it’s true. I saw him earlier, and he looked really pale. When I asked him if he was okay, he told me that his stomach wasn’t all right. He had been throwing up the little food he had been able to swallow. Said it was due to something he saw or tasted last night. I just wonder what it was that disgusted him so severely.”

I know she is talking about my night with the Alpha. I have been under a very childish illusion that he actually enjoyed being with me last night.

How could I have been so wrong? I feel a warm hand covering mine. I turn to face Kelly, who is looking at me and shaking her head slightly. I can see she means to comfort me, but I can’t help the pain that is now fizzing in my heart.

If Mark wasn’t satisfied, why did he have to tell the whole world and not just tell me? I can feel hot tears burn my eyelids. I try to swallow the lump in my throat and keep myself from breaking down in sobs.

I can’t and won’t cry in front of Emily. She will not get that satisfaction.

“Excuse me,” I say in a hoarse whisper to Kelly. I calmly push my chair back and quickly walk out of the dining room. As I reach the hallway, I feel a hot tear escape and roll down my cheek. I walk even faster toward my room.

When I reach my chambers, I walk in and slam the door closed before leaning my back against it and allowing the tears and raw emotion to pour out of me.

Alone at last.

Now, at least I have a silent space alone that I can think back to what I may have done wrong. After all, it was my first time, and I’m sure Mark has had quite the experience in the bedroom being such an important, attractive, kind-hearted man and all.

Suddenly, I feel a pair of hands grabbing my shoulders. I yelp and jump. What the… I try to blink the tears away, and I begin to see a blurry figure of a tall man in front of me.

“Are you okay, Rose?”

What was HE doing in my room?