May 5 “I Don’t Want to Lose Him Too”

Dear Diary,

I woke up crying.

I couldn't stop at first. My throat was tight, my chest ached, and my face was already wet. I didn't know what was happening—why my heart felt like it had been dragged across asphalt—until the dream started coming back in pieces.

And then I remembered.

He was gone.

Not just gone—vanished.

Jung-Kyo.

He'd left without a word. Like he'd never been here at all.

And in the dream… no one even remembered him.

Like he was a figment.

A shadow I'd imagined.

I tried to scream. To ask someone, Where is he? Did he say goodbye? But every time I opened my mouth, no sound came out.

Only this drowning silence.

And I was alone.

Again.

6:03 AM

I couldn't go back to sleep.

I sat up in bed for almost an hour, knees pulled to my chest, trying to shake off the dream like it was smoke clinging to my skin.

It's stupid. It was just a dream.

Except it wasn't.

Because the fear?

That was real.

I don't want to lose him.

There. I said it.

I don't know when it happened—when the line between he's nice and he matters blurred so quietly that I forgot it was ever there.

But I know now.

He's not just part of my days.

He's part of my heart.

And the thought of him disappearing?

It guts me.

7:16 AM

I made tea. The jasmine kind he brought over last week.

It smells like him now. Which is dumb. Tea can't smell like people. But somehow, it does. Or maybe it's just how I feel when he's near that gets tangled in the steam.

I sipped it slowly, staring at my phone. I almost texted him.

Almost.

But what would I say?

"Hey, dreamed you vanished and I cried like a child. Want to grab lunch?"

Yeah, no.

So I just sat there.

Holding a mug that felt heavier than usual.

And missing someone I'd seen only a day ago.

10:43 AM

Chae-Sun noticed something was off when I didn't finish my toast.

"Is it the fever again?" she asked.

I shook my head.

"Then it's him."

I didn't answer.

She sighed, dropping her plate into the sink and drying her hands on the towel like she was preparing for a war council.

"Mi-Chan," she said, voice soft. "You like him."

I blinked. "So?"

"So you're scared."

Silence.

"I see it," she added. "You look at him the way you used to look at dance. Like if you let yourself love it again, it might disappear on you."

I didn't respond.

Because she was right.

11:19 AM

I wandered around campus, pretending to study.

Every face looked like his for a second too long.

Every footstep that approached from behind made me turn.

It was embarrassing.

But I couldn't help it.

It's like something in me knows.

Knows that this isn't just another story.

That this isn't a crush I'll laugh about later.

This… is the kind of person who leaves fingerprints on your soul.

12:02 PM

I went to our rooftop.

I don't even know if it's "ours," but it feels like it.

No one else was there. Just the breeze and the echo of him.

I sat on the same ledge we shared days ago. Hugged my knees. Closed my eyes.

And for a moment, I imagined his voice.

Saying something simple.

"You're not invisible."

"You matter."

"You breathe differently when you're not performing."

He says things like that. So casually. Like he's handing me pieces of myself I forgot were missing.

12:41 PM

My phone buzzed.

I didn't check it right away.

I didn't want to ruin the illusion.

But when I finally looked…

It was him.

Jung-Kyo: "You disappeared."

My breath hitched.

Me: "Sorry. Rough night."

Jung-Kyo: "Want company?"

Yes.

God, yes.

But I stared at the screen for too long.

And then the typing bubble popped up again.

Jung-Kyo: "Or space. Space is okay too."

That did it.

Me: "Come up to the rooftop."

1:17 PM

He came.

Carrying a thermos and that same steady calm he always brings with him like it's woven into his skin.

He didn't say much at first. Just sat beside me. Close, but not touching.

Then he handed me the thermos.

"Ginger and honey," he said. "For bad days."

I held it, but didn't drink.

I was too full of other things.

Too close to cracking open.

"I had a dream last night," I said.

He waited.

"I dreamed you were gone. Just… gone. Like you'd never existed. And no one remembered but me."

He didn't flinch.

Didn't laugh.

Just listened.

Then: "That sounds awful."

"It was," I whispered. "I woke up crying."

Still, no jokes. No sarcasm. Just silence.

And presence.

2:03 PM

Finally, I turned to him.

"I think I'm scared of how much I care."

He looked back.

"You should be."

That surprised me.

"I should?"

He nodded. "Because caring that deeply means you can't go back to pretending it didn't matter. Once you let someone in… they stay."

He paused.

Then, quieter:

"And if they leave, it carves something out of you."

I stared.

And he stared back.

And in that moment… I wondered if he knew.

If he was speaking from memory.

Or foresight.

2:19 PM I took a sip of the tea. It was still warm.

Soothing. Sweet. Familiar.

"You're different," I said.

He raised an eyebrow.

"From everyone else."

He smiled, but there was something sad in it.

"Different doesn't always last."

That sent a jolt through me.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing," he said quickly. Too quickly.

But I knew that tone.

The deflection.

The dodge.

It wasn't nothing.

It was something.

And it scared me.

2:41 PM

We didn't stay much longer.

I think we both felt the weight creeping in.

The realization that something unspoken was hovering between us now.

But before we left, he did something he's never done before.

He reached out and brushed his fingers against mine.

Just once.

But it lingered.

And when I looked at him, he looked like he wanted to say something.

But didn't.

And maybe I should've asked.

But I didn't.

Because some fears aren't ready to be spoken.

And some truths don't surface until they have to.

3:12 PMBack in my room now.

His thermos sits on my desk.

I haven't stopped touching it.

I keep thinking about that dream.

And how real it felt.

How hollow the world was without him.

And now I know.

This isn't just something I'll survive if it ends.

It's something I'll carry.

Because it's not about falling anymore.

It's about not wanting to lose him.

And somehow… I think that means I already have.

Fallen.

All the way.

And I just hope he's not already falling apart behind that perfect smile.

Because if I lose him before I ever get to say it—

I don't think I'll recover.

– Mi-Chan