Jackson

Pathetic..

As a grown man it's embarrassing that I am wailing like a two year old. I really need to get myself in check .

My mother pulls me closer to the dining table and sits me down on the chair she had been sitting on prior. She goes to the kitchen sink and quickly pours water for me from the tap and puts it on the table in front of me, the whole time I have my head bowed and just listen to her movements which eventually come to a stop after I feel her presence kneel in front of me pulling my chair so that I can face her .

"What happened ..Are you okay, did something bad happen at the dinner ?"

My mum tries her best to probe. I feel she knows what could have "happened" to me but she won't say anything unless I tell her first but how do I start ?

I give myself a minute to breathe and wipe my tears. I can't believe a strong person like myself has been brought down to snort just because of a fake life.

"I don't know mum I'm just struggling to let go of something that I should have never had ..something that isn't and wasn't even mine. I don't even know if it's me or if it's just Zach who is- I don't know... I just-"I say in a hoarse voice while trying the best I can to get the words that make every sentence feel like a sharp blade piecing through my heart out of mouth..

"Oh Jacky ..it's okay...these things happen your father and I have already been trying to prepare for this. Your brother has told us that there might be a chance that this happens .James or as you call him Dre likes to joke but this time your father and I took him seriously. We spoke to a few people and we learnt that it's very normal that this happens especially for couples and or actors who did method acting."

I raise my head to finally face my mother... of cause she knows..with a brother like mine, nothing about any of us ever passes her.

My mother gets off from the floor and sits opposite me, she grabs another tea cup from one of her Chinese set that she got from dad as a Christmas gift two years ago. "You know there is a case of a guy who acted as a superhero and one day he woke up and he threw himself out the window to try and fly because he forgot he can just walk out the door ..apparently he forgot that there was no wires holding him ..luckily enough for him he was on the first floor. There are even those who quit acting altogether because their roles were too traumatic and that affected them mentally too." She says as she continues to sip her tea.

"I understand that this is a very hard time for you Jack but we are here. You know some people have acted in very terrible very horrible situations, some of them had to starve themselves to lose weight in order to look like their characters...some of them had to spend time with very dangerous people in very dangerous situations in order to learn the habits of those dangerous people...some had to cut their hair and Others have even visited drug dealers just to learn and bring perfect vivid live art to the audiences and you have done your part Jackson.

You have done your part.

I know that you have worked hard.. how can I not? I am your mother after all. I have seen you study your lines at night...I saw you running around exercising and eating healthy food even drinking the protein shakes that you don't like...I saw you do everything to stay in shape get some perfect meat in your little muscles. I saw you covering up all the tiny little tattoos you have on your body...I saw you give up everything that you knew for this whole year just so you can be the perfect Zach and you were you were the perfect Zach. You are the perfect Zach.

It might not be a ten-year habit but after nine months a child can be born... a whole new life... some even earlier and you spent a whole year as another man ...you lived a whole year as a very different person and of cause it's not going to take one night to get out of it ...ITS NOT ...but we will be here with you through it all. All of us are going to be here with you"

While my mum talks I try the best I can to fight back the tears that threaten to flood my pores once again. I grab the cup in front of me with both hands and squeeze it till my hands turn Pale.

I'm honestly glad that I have parents like mine. I do not like to talk too much and I don't like to involve myself too much in conversations and anything...I don't even like opening up to my own closest friends..but my mum always has a way of talking to me.

Now that I think about it... I must have scared Ethan a bit because I suddenly became too proactive. I was never like this... but when I thought there is a chance that I might never see him again I became selfish and wanted to record his voice to memories as much as I can.

I'm really pathetic.

I finally let go of the poor cup and once again breathe in and out as taught by the previous acting coach. Since my mum and I are already having this conversation I throw in another ambiguous question.

"Mum...what if ...what if I am the one who likes him and I'm just using Zach as an excuse ?"

My mother stops seeping her tea and looks at me straight in the eyes for what I believe could have been a whole minute...

"Do you think you could really like Eian?"She finally asks after I'd thought she had spiritually passed out.

"I don't know- I ... I don't know... but WHAT IF ?" I answer her with a shrug before slumping my shoulders and putting my chin on my cup and wonder if I could count water... yes.. that would probably be less embarrassing than this whole conversation.

"Jackson...Do you know the real Eian?" she asks again and seeing that I don't answer her she continues..

"Jack ... just as much as you have been the perfect Zach I hate to say this baby but Eian was also being the perfect Eden .I know that behind the scenes he was a professional caring mature adult but he was mostly Eden. I'm not saying I would disagree with your.. eh..feelings..but- well slightly but BUT!!! I would not really want my son to be in a relationship with a person who is already very stable in the community. He has already achieved a lot in his life but you are starting yours so eh.. maybe wait a bit before we jump into ... relationship talks although if at this point it is true...I would honestly hope you had time to find the real Eian ..just saying .. but otherwise until we know your very own true feelings then we can have this conversation again at time..Hmm How about that?"

She looks at me with a half smile that barely reaches her eyes I guess I better throw the Jack and Eian idea out the window.I know that a lot of people will not accept this relationship immediately. They would all just think it is normal to fall in love with a Co actor especially after all that they saw on screen while some might differ.

At this moment I don't know what the future holds... though I have to admit that now if my guest decides to leave and take Eian from my life with him I might volunteer as their host once again because that might be the only way the world might accept us.