Thirty Eight

Chapter Thirty Eight

Lucianna's POV

"Is it okay..." I cleared my throat and looked away from his conversing eyes.

It was too much to look at now that I knew something about him. I'm giving meaning to it when I shouldn't.

"Hmm.." he moaned and nodded his head. I blinked twice, leaning on the headboard and looking front while Jacob continued to watch me.

Well, since I won't have sleep tonight that I'm curious about something, I guess I should ask him about it.

"Harley told me your, uh, brother tried to…" why was it so hard to say? Just thinking about it makes me cringe.

"To kill me? It's okay Lucianna, I've told you before, I want to be true to you."

I cranked my neck to slightly have a look at him. His eyes are sincere and deep, almost reminiscing and even though he hasn't spilled a word, I'm already aching.

"Yes, Roscoe tried to kill me. Nine years ago, my father declared that I will succeed his position and my brother was, I guess, not pleased." he smirked, a sly one that I can say he was trying to cover the sadness with sarcasm.

"He grew up training to be an Alpha, he wanted to be the best for the pack. I can understand his frustration when he heard about my father's decision."

My jaw dropped. "He tried to kill you though. You shouldn't justify that with reckless kindness."

Jacob chuckled. "No, baby, do not misinterpret. I'm not forgiving him for what he did. But Roscoe was a kind big brother, he wouldn't resort to violence if only he was given what he wanted ever since he was born. And that, I understand."

"How? I mean, what did he did? How did he tried to kill… you?" I almost whispered the last word.

"It was the time for the renewal of the treaty with the Prime pack. Aiden was the alpha by that time and its their turn to visit Shadow pack for it. Everyone was busy, certain preparations was made special since Aiden was a young alpha back then."

Jacob went silent for a minute, and I waited patiently. I watched his eyes glisten by the dimmed lights of the room. The lack of light didn't hid the sadness and pain of betrayal he had from his family.

"I was young, and… weak. Father never focused teaching me about the rules or training me for the position since Roscoe was there for it. He was strong, fast and intelligent while I loved playing around not thinking of any responsibilities or burden of anything.

"The same day of the renewal, Roscoe summoned me to the dungeons.I didn't think that was a weird place to talk, I trusted him too much to care.

"Once I came, I noticed how his look changed. The way he looked at me, the way he speak, his shadow…"

I frowned. "Huh? What shadow?"

Jacob turned to me, surprised. I'm not sure if he was taken aback of his own words or mine.

"I'm sorry. I…" he chuckled as he shook his head. "Well, I guess I have to answer this later and tell you a secret that will enlighten all of these."

I wanted to know how Roscoe harmed my mate but seeing him puzzled but ready like this, I just nodded.

"O-Okay."

Jacob looked at me through his lashes and played with his lower lip. He seems hesitant about something and that look made me frown.

"What?" I asked.

"I… hope you believe me, Lucianna." then he bit his lip and looked away from my eyes.

He was not trying to lie, right? No, he said he will be true to me and so far I've seen him do.

"Why'd you say that?"

He exhaled and looked at my hand that was resting on my side, he reached for it and held it like I will run once he say something.

The hell, this was making me nervous as hell!

"You… I mean, we. We are always taken by misinterpretation so I ask of you, to believe, everything I will say. This may sound like trying to reason out my past actions but--"

"Which past actions?" I'm not following this and if I wouldn't ask for specifications then I might really misinterpret it.

"All of it. My coldness, my rudeness, my… cheating issues." his hand squeezed hard on mine that I looked at our now intertwined fingers.

Oh, okay. Those actions. I nodded.

"All of that are wrong but during that time I was at the bottom of the pit I created for myself. My next words won't help to give justice for that, just bear that in mind."

Is he really… damn it. It's not like I can forgive all that with anything but how can he initiate for me and down himself like that?!

"I… won't." I said in a sigh.

He nodded, contented from my response.

"The shadow pack has a secret gift, passed down to generations. Its an ability inherited from our ancestors, an ability to see through the shadow of the people. It is called the 'shadow eye'."

I... haven't heard of that.

My confusion must have illustrated with my reaction that Jacob gave an immediate explanation for it.

"I have the ability to see colors, shades of it, to the shadow. These hues have meaning such as envy, joy, sadness, wrath, arousal, some certain emotions. Also, uh, strength and… weakness."

My face heated and I flushed. Does that mean that he can read my emotions thru that shadow eye!? Oh my! What's the freaking use of hiding and concealing my emotions, my perverted thought about him, and all that?!

"S-So you mean, you can tell how I feel?!" I blurted.

Jacob's eyes widened a bit, as if taken aback by my sudden outburst. And then he chuckled.

He moved closer to me, too close that my leg touched his. I had the urge to move away but didn't.

What was he laughing about? What's funny? Oh my, I may be right!

"Jacob!"

He bit his lip, and I'm not happy that his eyes was now in shimmers of amusement though I hated the sadness in his eyes earlier.

Jacob exhaled loud, trying to stop himself from laughing which he accomplished to do.

"I bet it must be fun if I can see how you feel. I'm baffled about you, wonders what you think, figuring what you feel. My ability is useless when it comes to you, Lucianna. It's hell frustrating."

The way Jacob looks at me as he say that tells me his words are but the truth. His frustration, its easily read in his face.

I am glad he can't see mine, that gave me a privilege of privacy but curiosity went on ahead of me.

"Does that mean, I don't have a shadow or… something?"

"No. Your emotions just don't… mirrors on your shadow."

"Oh. So it's just regular and normal shadow you see?"

His jaw tightened and his hand held mine even tighter. I guess it's not… right?

Jacob shook his head slowly, too slow actually.

"Then what?"

He inhaled sharply and looked past me, avoiding my eyes. The way he acts are making me tense and more curious.

"It's full gray. Uh, no shades other than that."

I frowned. Gray? I looked at my side, finding my black shadow lingering on the wall. I see it normally which means his eye don't.

"Is it bad?" I turned to him and he looks as if finding my eyes and relieved that it has met his now. "Does that color means something?"

Jacob nodded after a few second of thinking. I frowned again, his actions are deliberately fueling my curiosity.

"Tell me what it means."

He sighed and shifted his weight to be closer to me. Now, his shoulders are touching mine as we sat side by side. I can't look at him now in this position which I think he intentionally planned for.

I decided to fix my eyes on his fingers that played with mine.

"A shade of gray in shadows meant…weakness." he said in a whisper.

I hissed. Weakness? Was that why he called me a weakling before?!

"Is that why you called me weak the first time we met?"

Jacob sighed and I felt him move which meant he nodded.

"Tss. You said mine was full gray, what's the difference with that and just shades?"

Jacob shrugged. "I only know that gray means weakness. But upon seeing a full gray, I assumed--"

"That I'm the weakest of all the weak? Is that it?"

Jacob cleared his throat when my voice rises. I don't mean to, but knowing that he thinks of me like that all this fucking time? Fuck, was his eyes legit?

"Before. I'm not thinking the same as now. I'm sorry for… thinking that."

"Is that why… you… is that why you rejects me--"

"Baby, I didn't rejected--"

"You used those girls to forget me, I know. I see it, Jacob. What you did, HOW you do those bitches and--"

"I'm sorry." he said in a whisper. I looked at him, breathing heavily. "I was in-denial. I couldn't accept the fact that you… and I, are weak…"

"What?"

Jacob moved to get off the bed, he walked to the mirror just across the room and looked at his reflection. I watched his eyes wanders to something I couldn't see from here.

"My shadow are just like yours, Lucianna. I denied myself to be weak, so I strive to be strong but my shadow never changes. Yours… is the same. I don't see any weakness in you, you're fierce and I saw your skills but the shadow stays the same, too. I'm sorry for denying you which made me do unforgivable things but I know I won't win over my feelings for you."

Jacob turned to me. He stood there, helpless and miserable driven by his own thoughts.

"My feelings grew and changed the moment I finally got to know you. It surpassed the bond, I'm not just heated for you, I felt more, more that I don't care what your shadow is or what it meant anymore. I only wanted… you."

He took steps closer to me and I never broke contact with his eyes.

I am angered to know the reason behind all of it, its such a small thing to consider the pain he brought to me but this was not the same situation as then.

"You can take my life as a price for the pain I caused and I won't mind to die in your hands. I can't take back time, but I can make it up to you if you'll let me."

Jacob reached for me and his hand grazed on my cheeks, he slouched down and leveled his eyes with mine. I remained still like a stone.

"We're not weak but we are different. I hated weaklings before because I can't accept the fact that my shadow show that I am, too. But now, I don't care. I can see we're not close to being fragile and helpless. You helped me have a better perspective and I'll forever be grateful for that.

"I won't ask for forgiveness that I don't deserve but I will be better for you like what you've deserved."

I am speechless. I think words from my mouth shouldn't be heard now or I might create a decision I haven't thought deeply about.

But I am listening. I listened to Jacob and every words his mouth uttered meant to more to me. It was overwhelming to know, and I understand what he had gone through. Though, still, I have to cease from being reckless and just remain silent.

Jacob looked tense, nervous, from my silence. He bent down, sitting in front of me and taking my hands inside his huge hands.

"I love you, Lucianna." he whispers.

My eyes widened from his sudden confession. This is… when did I heard this word from someone? I never… not since my parents died have I heard someone said those words to me in such sincerity…

He looked up to me through his lashes, playing with my fingers.

What should I…?

I don't know what I have to say, it's too much to… fuck! He's confessing that he loves me!

"I'm sorry for being selfish but I can't keep it to myself any longer. You need not to reciprocate my feelings, Lucianna, don't be pressured by this. I will still set you free if you decides to…leave me."