Chapter - 25

Naruto was stalking me.

It was horrible.

I felt watched whenever I passed a second-floor window, the chair outside my gate was always an inch off, my neighbours were drawing away, the vendors were giving me the hairy eyeball, every time I was out I felt like I was being followed, I was getting a complex whenever I stepped out on the streets, Uzumaki Naruto was ruining my life.

This could not be borne.

Pre-emptive action was urgently required.

I briefly considered the positively absurd notion that feeling myself being watched meant I wasn't also being watched by ninja because I couldn't feel them. I promptly dismissed the notion.

Obviously, ninja knew how to run surveillance without looking directly at people. The ninja way had a lot of problems, but skill wasn't one of them.

The way of the powerless sod it is.

Business as usual then.

I'd already twisted my exalted specialty towards the ignoble task of toy making because Konoha's power lines were mostly decoys except for the isolated network installed on the main streets for shops and restaurants to tap into. I also had to become an accredited doctor in the opposite of my specialty just to avoid becoming a passive accessory to mass murder.

Now it was apparently time for an experimental dive into the field of social psychology too.

It went something like this.

"Yori! I'm in a pickle! The Menace won't leave me alone, what do you think I should do? No I don't want to go to Fumihito about this, you know how faint of heart he is, that's why I came to you. The neighbours say what? Well clearly they haven't called on your wisdom as much as I have, please indulge me goodman.

No, I can't do any of that because there's ninja watching us now. I know, it's unconscionable for the rest of you! Wow, all my options are shit, aren't they? You're right, the only thing I can do is try to train the beast into something that at least acts enough as a human to get some peace around here again.

I'll tell everyone what you said and let them know there's no hard feelings, Fumihito will be relieved. "

"That's not what I – I didn't mean – Masanari wait, Hanzo, HANZO!"

"Fumihito! You won't believe what Yori told me, I went to him for advice about the damned Menace stalking me and it turned out my only option is to indulge the brat and hope I can train it to act human for the sake of the rest of us. Figured I should let you know, I know how tense you've been with what's been happening, I don't want you to keep stressing out.

No, I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure the ninja will keep watching us forever now, but hey, at least the Menace means it won't be the nin-who-must-not-be-named, that's something, right? Hey Fumihito, why don't you go lie down, you're looking a bit pale there, I'll do your groceries while I'm out looking for hellion bait, bye now!"

"I'm not – How's that supposed to – Why would the nin – Hanzo, HANZO!"

Yori was that insufferable extrovert that wanted to know everything and gave you unsolicited advice on everything while eating your best food and planning how to best step on you to get ahead. Fumihito was that easily exhausted introvert that couldn't say no to anyone and dealt with his problems by hiding in his backroom until you went away.

Fumihito's wife was the stereotypical screeching gossip that couldn't keep a secret any more than she could let you mind your own business, especially if it gave her an excuse to go over your head and speak to the manager.

The entire neighbourhood was despairing over Naruto's impending 'infestation' and blaming Yori for it by next morning. The men dropped by in ones and twos to drink my booze.

The women descended on me all at once to dispense their pity. Nobody suspected me of anything for even a second.

I was the poor widower putting on a strong front for the invisible ninja after the brat desecrated my family's remains and put me the hospital. Yori was the neighbourhood asshole.

Sorry old boy, negative karma called and asked for your address.

Now for the second half of this crisis.

The Menace seemed to have precisely no trouble waking up at the crack of dawn, seeing as he needed to cross a fair chunk of the village to begin his haunting as early as he did. I could already feel the staring when I walked out my gate for my morning shopping.

I couldn't even stay inside and space my outings to confuse the brat anymore. There hadn't been a single day since Exposition Week that I didn't need to go out in the morning.

I kept running out of fiddly bits for my tools, and the tools to make better tools, and some of them could only be made by craftsmen on order. Most importantly, today was time for me to pick up my extremely fragile order from the glassworker.

Naruto could not be allowed within a hundred meters of that.

Now, I knew how this world functioned with regards to corralling messiahs. I therefore seriously considered the nuclear option.

Pictured myself breathing deep, my hands on my hips, head tilted back and screaming 'NARUTOOOOOOOOO!' at the top of my lungs. Maybe my head would even grow to thrice its size like a certain academy teacher.

But because that was absolutely ridiculous, I instead unveiled a big sign with an artistic rendition of me seated on my chair and a mini Naruto sitting sullenly on the ground in front of me. Then I took a seat on said chair and waited.

When that didn't do anything for five minutes, I went inside, came out with some of the pity cake that the neighbourhood housewives had used as pretext to get all up in my business, and began to eat, a second plate next to me in the open.

Naruto was in front of me in less than thirty seconds.

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