Chapter 12: The Living Years – Mariko 's monologue.

- "Are you sure you didn't see wrong?" – Taking a sip of his soda, Akira looked at me incredulously, sitting next to Ayumi -san. We had agreed to meet at a family restaurant in the morning, the same establishment we used to take the children from the orphanage to when the headmistress gave Jinta -kun and me permission.

That place of so many good experiences was being tainted by such a degrading and painful matter, but I couldn't think of a better place to see my friends and ask for their advice.

Ayumi -san listened attentively to what we were discussing, but at the same time, she was constantly checking her phone for message notifications. Apparently, her brother's band had gotten a chance to record a single with a small label thanks to an agent who saw them at their last performance.

- "Hey Ayumi , if you're not going to pay attention to what Mariko -chan says, why did you come ?"

- "Oh, shut the fuck up you damn femboy , of course I'm paying attention. The little marshmallow said his bitch of a sister cheated on his crush. That's it, in a nutshell, right?" – Although I know that this way of speaking is typical of Ayumi -san, I tried not to show my displeasure at her hurtful words, however, I couldn't help but slam my fist on the table and give her an angry glare while putting a hand to my head.

- "Sorry, honey, I acted like an idiot. I've had so much going on in my head lately, and I don't know how to handle it. Will you forgive me?" Putting her phone back in her purse, Ayumi -san clasped her hands in supplication, bowing her head, understanding that my feelings had been hurt, even if she didn't mean to.

Since it was early in the morning, the place didn't have too many customers, but the few who were present glanced in the direction of our table as if curious.

- "Okay, Ayumi -san, let's put that aside. Ultimately, I know I can't keep dwelling on the situation, and I have to face Hana in front of our parents."

- "But Mariko -chan, don't you think that would be dangerous? I mean, on the one hand, Hana-chan's mother has a tense relationship with you, and on the other, your father seems to do more for her than for you. Are you sure they'll even listen to you?" Akira had a worried expression on her face, knowing perfectly well what the situation was like in the place she could hardly call home.

The only time I was able to invite Kaede and Akira over to the house to work on clothing sketches, my father kept coming into my room under any pretext, throwing awkward glances at Akira, who couldn't stay more than an hour and then left, leaving Kaede and me alone.

- "I understand how you feel, Akira-kun, but I still have to take the risk. Even though my father is a hot-tempered man most of the time, I still have hope that the man he was before my mother's betrayal is still there inside him." Fiddling with a napkin, I tried to calm my nerves. It was a risky bet, but I had to do it if I truly loved Jinta -kun.

- "Hey, princess, why are you wearing a headscarf? I've been paying attention since I saw you arriving at the restaurant a while ago, but I didn't dare ask." Ayumi -san turned around a little to look more closely at Akira-kun, who had a dull expression when she asked that question.

- "She's not a big girl at all , she just wanted a change of look."

- " Pfff , change of look? Don't joke with me, come on get that shit out of your head" – Although Akira-kun struggled a bit with Ayumi -san when she tried to take his scarf, she distracted him for a moment and quickly snatched it away.

When we saw the reason why she had put it on, our eyes widened and we couldn't hide our concern at what we saw.

"Hey, shorty, I'm just kidding! Right? It's a damn wig, isn't it?" Ayumi -san's eyes were filled with fury, as she gritted her teeth and gripped the scarf in her hand. Akira-kun was trying to hide his shorn hair with the scarf, as if it had been savagely chopped up with scissors.

Her thick hair, which had once reached just below her ears, now looked short and terrible.

- "Could you give me back my scarf?"

- "I'll give it back to you until you tell me who the hell did that to you."

- "Please, just give it to me…" – Shaking in his seat, Akira-kun was about to burst into tears when he noticed how the diners' gazes remained fixed on him.

" Ayumi -san, just give it to her. Let's pay the bill and get out of here." Very reluctantly, Ayumi -san complied with my request, and I went straight to the cashier to pay our bill. While Akira-kun went to the bathroom to put his headscarf back on, Ayumi -san stepped outside for a moment and lit a cigarette to calm her frustration.

- "I screwed up again, didn't I? I'm really not very good at empathizing with others." Leaning against the wall with her face downcast, Ayumi -san brought her fingertips to her eyelids, trying to massage them in a sign of concern.

- "You didn't mean any harm. It's just that it's a very delicate matter with Akira-kun. You know how he is, someone who cares a lot about his appearance, and that must have affected him greatly." – The tension between the two only seemed to increase, even more so with my poor choice of words with someone who already felt guilty about what he had done.

We were both awkward, unable to express ourselves properly, and that got us into trouble; perhaps because of that, we felt we had a special connection where we could both be who we were.

- " Mariko , you're also thinking of the same person as me. Am I wrong?"

- "Yes, we're both on the same page. The one who cut Akira-kun's hair must have been his sister's boyfriend's bastard. That's why he doesn't want to talk about it." – After moving from his hometown to live with his sister at his grandparents' house, Akira was a more introverted boy compared to his current situation.

It wasn't until he joined the craft club that his personality began to change, letting his true inner self shine through, and he gained confidence in a huge city like Tokyo. His older sister was also a key factor in his transformation; from accompanying him to clothing stores and walking with him on the streets to inspire confidence, the siblings' relationship was the driving force that gave life to the Akira-kun we all knew.

But a year ago things began to change for the worse, all because of a person who entered the life of that small family abruptly and maliciously.

Souma Kojiro , a scholarship student at the law school. Athletic and handsome, a member of the judo club, had his eye on Akira-kun's sister from the moment they had a meeting to welcome the new students.

As a girl from a rural area, she was dazzled by the essence of Kojiro 's attitude toward his peers. And after a few get-togethers, they ended up dating.

The newly formed couple on campus was the envy of most students; their relationship with each other made them seem like a match made in heaven in the eyes of others. But that situation changed drastically with Akira-kun's arrival in Tokyo.

At first, Akira's appearance was more sober than it is today, wearing a pair of thick-framed glasses and his bangs covering part of his face, in addition to wearing baggy clothes, his appearance was the typical cliché of the introverted boy.

During her first year of high school, living with her sister, she would often accidentally run into Kojiro when he visited the house. Being his girlfriend's brother, she treated him with a certain degree of respect while maintaining a certain distance due to the discomfort caused by his reclusive nature. Nothing beyond a formal greeting and the usual casual questions, their relationship was simple and flat, but even so, there was no hint of enmity.

But everything changed when Akira began to dress and groom himself according to his inner feelings; the somber-looking boy had become an androgynous beauty, leaving behind the gray color to embrace his colors.

An ordinary boy's plain, boring room was transformed into a beautiful space filled with beautiful things and bright colors. The baggy, somber clothes were replaced with trendy, fashionable outfits, and most importantly, the coarse hair gave way to a mane that revealed his delicate face, very similar to his sister's. It was then that Kojiro 's visits became tense.

The man who had once opened the door with a somber appearance to greet him now had a radiant countenance and an energetic attitude. Being a man of conservative morals, Kojiro viewed Akira-kun's change with disdain, letting him know on more than one occasion that the boy disgusted him.

Every time Akira's sister had to leave unexpectedly, leaving them alone, Kojiro took advantage of the situation to vent his frustration with the university, channeling his bad temper at Akira, verbally attacking him every chance he got.

- " Faggot , coward, shambling man." – Those were the insults Kojiro used to hurl at Akira when they were alone together.

Despite the verbal abuse, Akira's attitude toward Kojiro did not change to an aggressive tone; instead of returning the insults, my dear friend simply smiled peacefully and left the room. But far from Kojiro 's attitude toward him changing, the abuse escalated to physical aggression.

First, it was a few tools disappearing from her makeshift sewing workshop, then clothing patterns cut into pieces with scissors, and several books in her room covered in homophobic slurs. Akira-kun knew it was all Kojiro 's doing , but he tried to hide it so as not to affect his relationship with his sister.

- "Hey, marshmallow, it seems we're lucky enough to run into such damn jerks. It seems like the only one of us who's safe from being a magnet for misfortune is Kaede -chan. That girl has a field of flowers on her head, maybe that's why she's so lucky." Putting out her cigarette by crushing it on the ground, Ayumi -san arranged her hair, giving me a defiant look.

- "So you'll stick to your plan no matter what I tell you?"

- "Yes, I'm going to do it."

- " Aaaaaah . Okay, I'm not going to insist on stopping you anymore. You're too big to know the kind of decisions you make. But keep this in mind, my little ball with legs, whatever you're going to do must be for yourself. Not because of your unrequited love for the wonder boy, but because you want to change your life for the better. Can you promise me at least that much?" – Taking my head and bringing my forehead against hers, Ayumi -san looked at me with resignation and a bit of fear in her eyes.

- "I can't assure you that I'm not doing this just for Jinta -kun, but I can tell you, I'm not as altruistic as you think I am. I can also be a selfish person if I put my mind to it." Returning my gaze with determination, Ayumi -san broke away from me and took her phone out of her bag again to take a call. At that moment, Akira-kun walked out of the restaurant with a calmer expression and a hidden smile.

- "Are you feeling better now, Akira-kun?"

- "Yes, Mariko -chan, sorry for getting upset. It's just that…"

- "You don't need to explain anything, we are your friends and you can always count on us."

- " He, he , he . True, I am truly lucky to have you by my side." – Smiling this time without faking his emotions, Akira-kun looked at his watch and saw that it was already past 10 in the morning.

"Hey, Mariko -chan, I think it's getting a little late. If you don't hurry up and get to your destination, you might end up back here by nightfall." Like every year, around this time, I tried to take a short trip to Osaka. Saving up my meager allowance from my father and the income I earned from selling my clothing designs, I managed to scrape together the 26,000 yen it cost to travel by train.

After my mother left us following the divorce, my relationship with my blood relatives deteriorated to the point where I was seen only as the daughter of the unfaithful woman. A heavy burden for an honest, hard-working man like my father, that's how my paternal family viewed me.

On the other hand, on my mother's side, I had the support of my grandmother. A woman who had been widowed at 45 and had no other relatives except my mother and me. I don't know if it was due to a guilt complex, or if there was truly a glimmer of love for me in her heart.

Every year on August 11th, I celebrated her birthday with her while spending summer vacation in her small, creaky wooden house that stood the test of time. If it weren't for the time I spent with her during the summers, I think my mind would have collapsed a long time ago.

- "Akira-kun, can I ask you a favor?"

- "Sure! What is it about, Mariko -chan?"

- "Could you take a look at Jinta -kun for me today?"

- "Do you want me to go see him? Are you still feeling bad about that night?"

- "It's not that, it's just that…" – Without being able to finish the sentence, Akira put his hand on my head and ruffled my hair with a mischievous tone on his face.

- "It's okay, if you're so worried about Jinta -kun, I'll watch him for you." – With the warmth that emanated from his smile, Akira's words reassured me as he gripped my bag's strap tightly.

After the three of us said our goodbyes, I took a bus to the train station, running quickly as soon as I set foot on the station entrance. Since it was holiday season, the platforms were packed with domestic and international tourists, making it difficult for me to push through the shoving crowd. As I was checking my bag to make sure I had the tickets, a man accidentally bumped my back, knocking me to my knees on the hard ground.

With a few scrapes and some pain, I tried to get up clumsily, falling back to the ground.

"Miss, are you okay?" Standing in front of me was a boy no older than 14, with a baby face and disheveled hair. He looked at me with concern as he extended his hand to help me up. Despite the fact that school was on recess, the boy was wearing the uniform of a high-class private high school.

- " Ufff , it really gets chaotic around here these days, doesn't it, big sister?" – Trying to approach me with respect for our small age difference, that cheerful and somewhat confident boy reminded me a bit of Akira-kun. With the notable difference that, despite his physique, he gave off a mature aura for his age. As if he carried a great burden on his shoulders.

- "Yes, to tell you the truth, I hate crowds. But I have to visit my grandmother in Osaka. Today is her birthday, and I've never missed our get-together since I was little."

- "Great! Do you get along well with your grandmother? I hardly ever see my grandparents because they live abroad, and my father rarely allows me to travel." In a subdued tone, the boy tapped the toe of his shoe against the ground, his arms behind his back and his head bowed like a child lacking affection.

How can someone so complex and contradictory exist? At times, while we were talking, his mature appearance came through, and at other times, the child within him emerged, amidst emotions of joy and sadness. With every minute I spent with him, I felt filled with curiosity and a touch of compassion, seeing a bit of my loneliness reflected in him.

"Passengers bound for Shin -Osaka, the train will depart from the station in 10 minutes. Please enter through the entrances in order and with your ticket in hand." I was so absorbed in our conversation that the staff's call brought me back to my senses, and I got ready to board. But not before saying goodbye to the young man, whose name was Sunagawa Ryuji.

- "Hey sister, I really enjoyed the time we talked. Can we exchange contacts?"

- "It's okay Sunagawa -san."

- " Pfff , sister, how funny you are. You're supposed to be older than me. You shouldn't be so formal with me."

- "Sorry, I just don't know! It may seem strange, but when I was talking to you, I felt like I was with someone older than me." Smiling at him while holding my phone next to his, I noticed a man in a suit standing a few steps behind him, which took me by surprise.

- " Sunagawa -kun. Don't look around, but there's a suspicious man behind you. Do you want me to go with you to find a station guard?" – As soon as I said that, Sunagawa -kun turned towards the man in a suit with an angry expression on his face. At which, the mysterious man bowed his body and moved a few steps back until he was behind one of the station pillars.

- "Everything's fine?"

- " Hey, hey , hey . Yeah, how do I put it? You don't have to worry about that guy, Big Sister. He's just one of the bodyguards my father forces me to have on my side. He may look tough, but he's just an obedient dog."

"You shouldn't talk like that!" I inadvertently raised my voice at Sunagawa -kun. He trembled for a brief moment before regaining his composure.

"Big sister, I'm sorry. I think I was too rude in front of you. Could you forgive me?" Very familiarly, Sunagawa -kun took my hands, looking me in the eyes like a scolded puppy. This caused a light laugh to spring from my chest, which soon spread to his lips in the form of a smile.

- "Passengers bound for Shin -Osaka. There are 3 minutes left to board the train. Please heed the staff's instructions and proceed in an orderly manner."

- "Oh, gee! Sorry, Sunagawa -kun, I have to go now!"

- "Be careful, big sister, have a good time with your grandmother." Waving goodbye to me, the cheerful boy disappeared into the crowd while I struggled to reach the entrance of the train.

Sitting in my train seat, I put on my headphones as usual, selected a playlist on my phone, and closed my eyes, letting the melodies of foreign music lull me to sleep. And after a three-hour journey, I arrived at the same place as always.

A place where my fond memories had been confined in the years that passed, with the sound of cicadas hanging from the trees and accompanied by the intense sun that raised the temperature to 38 degrees during the middle of the day.

Wandering through the anachronistic suburban streets, I looked for the old candy store I used to go to as a child. But instead, I sadly saw a pachinko establishment , which must have been a place packed with children trading cards and devouring candy with their 500-yen allowances.

" Mariko -chan, it's so nice to see you!" Mrs. Aoyama , the elderly woman who used to visit my grandmother's house during my vacations, looked even more downcast than the last time I saw her two years ago. With the death of her only son, the kind woman had confined herself to her house most of the time, except for the times when she would visit my grandmother for afternoon tea.

- "Mrs. Aoyama ! How have you been?"

- "Huh ? "

- "I SAID HOW HAS IT BEEN!" – Although it wasn't my custom to raise my voice to my elders, with Mrs. Aoyama I had to do it due to her progressive deafness. I always felt uncomfortable having to shout at her, but it was the only way we could have a conversation.

Despite her ailments, the passing of the years hadn't clouded the venerable woman's mind, and she enthusiastically told me all the things that had happened in the neighborhood during my absence. Being with her made me feel as if I were talking to my grandmother, making me feel melancholy about the past at times.

- "Tell me, little Mariko , are you going to see your grandmother?"

- "Yes, Mrs. Aoyama , I'm actually on my way to see you. Would you like to join me?"

- " Mmmmm , no, little one. I'll come visit her another time, please say hi for me, will you, dear?"

"Okay, as you wish. Take care of yourself. It was nice seeing you." After leaving Mrs. Aoyama , I continued on my way to the bus stop, watching the leaves of the trees sway in the gentle, warm breeze. As I approached my destination, my mind filled with memories of the living room table, accompanied by the taste of orange juice and the meringue of a strawberry cake on which candles piled up with each passing year.

"I'm home, Grandma. Did you miss me?" Kneeling on the ground, I clasped my hands and closed my eyes in front of my grandmother's grave. After battling aggressive lung cancer for five years, my maternal grandmother had passed away last year. I still remember that day well; it's always present in my thoughts, as if it were seared into my soul.

Every time I visited Grandma, my father would just drive me to the station and drop me off in Osaka, then come back for me until it was time to return to school. But that day, as I wept at the foot of the coffin, the cold, inflexible man showed me a warm side I thought I'd forgotten.

As if it were a deformed chimera of emotions, that day mingled in my memories between sadness and guilty joy.

"You know, Grandma, I think I've fallen in love. Yes, your clumsy, gloomy granddaughter has lost her mind over a boy. But, you know, unfortunately, I can't tell her openly. He's my sister's boyfriend, the daughter of the woman Father remarried."

"I know I shouldn't love him, Grandma, but I'm weak. How could I not fall in love with someone as wonderful as him?" Shedding my tears on the rock, the incense I lit for the prayer emanated a subtle scent of jasmine that shook my body. Letting the words of my heart flow, I searched the cold tombstone for solace in the pain I felt for what was happening to Jinta -kun.

"Grandma, even though he's a wonderful boyfriend, my sister is cheating on him. I accidentally saw the conversations on her cell phone and realized she's cheating on him with a coworker. It's not fair, while he does everything for her… she…" The crunching of dry leaves on the ground alerted me, and I jumped up. When I turned my face toward the source of the sound, the familiar silhouette of a woman made me feel uneasy.

- " Mariko -chan? Is that you?" Her black hair, which used to reach her waist, was now cut to her neck and completely unkempt. Her skin, which was always cared for with the best beauty treatments, now bore the visible marks of time. Despite all those changes, he could recognize her perfectly; that woman, although so different, was the same one he abandoned to pursue what she stupidly called love.

- " Mariko , daughter!"

- "DON'T COME NEAR ME!" – In that silent cemetery, my scream resonated loudly, causing the birds that were calm in the treetops to fly away in fright.

- "Daughter, please. Just let me be with you for a moment."

- "Ha, ha, ha. Are you serious? In all these years, you never looked for me, of course. How could you want to be with me if you were living your life next to that man?"

- "Daughter, it's not like that. Let me explain…" – With her trembling hands, the woman I once called mother tried to find the right words, but her lips could barely stammer, making me lose my patience.

"Ma'am, I don't think we should speak. If you've come to pay your respects at my grandmother's grave, you're free to say a prayer for her. However, please refrain from addressing me. I have nothing to hear from you, nor do I want anything to hear from you. The day you locked me in that dark closet, I begged you to let me out until my throat grew hoarse from crying. Believe me, if I ever felt anything for you, it was buried that day."

Unable to respond to my anger, my mother bowed her head in silence, tormented by the guilt of that memory. For a brief moment, I was tempted to approach her, driven by nostalgia for better times, but the anger I felt at that moment held me back, causing me to turn around and leave the room.

As I walked away, I could hear the sobs coming from my grandmother's grave, but I didn't turn around until I was out of the cemetery.

That day had turned sour because of that encounter, to the point where my mind tormented me to the point of cursing my fate. Trying to calm my heart, I continued walking through the streets, looking around, hoping to find some peace.

"Hey, gorgeous Mariko . Guess who I'm with?" A sudden notification on my phone made me smile despite my sadness. A message accompanied by a photo of two smiling boys made me put my hand to my cheek in excitement.

Jinta -kun had met Akira-kun on his way home from exercising; just as my friend had promised, he took care of the boy I loved and invited him over to his house to hang out.

After speaking with my grandmother and seeing that photo, I made a firm decision in my heart to confront my sister and my parents. Any hesitation was behind me, and firmly patting my cheeks, I headed to the train station to hurry home.

On my way home, I stopped at the supermarket first to pick up some ingredients for dinner. Shiitake mushrooms , chard, turnips, bean sprouts, and some pork were on sale. I was craving to make some hotpot after taking a bath and then watch some anime I left recording.

The sky was already beginning to darken and the streetlights came on, illuminating my path as I walked relaxed, thinking about the possibility that my luck would change from that day forward.

"Is my sister home yet?" Standing in front of the house, I was surprised to see that all the lights in the rooms were on. As I approached the door, I heard my parents' voices, almost shouting.

The moment I tried to insert the key into the lock, my right arm was forcefully yanked back, sending my body tumbling onto the living room rug. Slightly sore from the sudden fall, I tried to get up from the floor, but at that instant, my father furiously grabbed my arm again and mercilessly punched my face.

- "How could you do this to your sister? Don't you have blood in your veins? Messing with your sister's boyfriend! How is that even possible?" – Without giving me time to understand the situation, my father grabbed my hair in rage, almost to the point where I felt like my scalp was going to come off.

Sitting at the dining room table, Hana-chan had a bruise on her face as if someone had hit her. She was almost crying her head off, while my stepmother hugged her and glared at me with a look of deep hatred.

- "Dad, please listen to me! Let me explain!"

- "What is there to explain? You're a fucking bitch just like your mother! That's what you are!" – Throwing me to the ground, my father began kicking me mercilessly, as if I were an animal; that man didn't see me as a daughter.

Every blow I received hurt like hell; the savagery terrified me, leaving me unable to utter a single word. My cries choked in my throat, while the stabbing pain grew more intense when my right hand was stomped on.

- "Please, not anymore!" – I could only manage a scream in the midst of that attack, driven by the pain in my index finger that I felt had been broken by that last attack.

Perhaps moved by the last bit of consciousness he had, my father stopped when he saw me trembling in the fetal position on the floor, my face soaked with tears as I sobbed bitterly.

As if I were a cheap prostitute, my father threw 30,000 yen on the ground and yelled that he would remove me from the family register. That I should use the money to survive and never return home.

With what little strength I had left, I got up from the floor, embarrassedly taking that money. Dragging my left leg in pain, I grabbed the bag of groceries lying at the foot of the door and left the house.

I hadn't realized it when I arrived, but my few belongings were scattered in boxes on the lawn. My clothes were torn, and most of my belongings were broken into pieces, like trash.

"I have no one left… I'm alone." Consumed by physical pain and the pain in my heart, I sat on a bench in a nearby park and cried until my eyes burned. I cried like the day my mother abandoned me, only this time, my father had killed me in life.

After feeling my mind go numb, I walked through the streets under the night sky, moved only by reflex. People's glances were mocking, without hiding the fact that their eyes were fixed on me as if I were watching a spectacle.

- "Come on, laugh. What better joke could there be than my life, a fat loser who futilely searches for her father's love." Accidentally colliding with a passerby, my phone fell to the ground, lighting up the standby screen.

- " Jinta -kun" – The photo Akira-kun had sent me, I had set as my wallpaper. Just looking at it made tears start to well up in my almost dry eyes again, making my body move in the direction of the Tanaka bakery.

Like a ghost, I stood at the foot of the stairs, unable to bring myself to climb the steps and knock on Jinta 's door . Looking at my reflection in the bakery window, I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself.

- "I don't want him to see me like this" – Turning around to leave, the figure of a boy in the distance made me stop my clumsy steps suddenly.

" Mariko -chan?" That voice that had so often given me encouragement and courage now made me shudder with panic. In front of me was the boy I loved, looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes that I could lose myself in. His expression of surprise only stabbed at my heart, almost to the point where I wanted to die right then.

- " Mariko -chan! Who did this to you? Was it Hana-chan?" – Gently taking me by the shoulders, I felt my body succumb to fatigue, causing my legs to collapse. I felt Jinta -kun firmly in my hold.

- " Jinta , now I can understand you… I'm not so stupid now…" Smiling bitterly, I asked my beloved Jinta to hug me. In those strong arms, I clung, crying under the incandescent lamp.