Cook or crap

Morning sunlight peeked through the velvet curtains of Lilith's room, casting golden patterns across her floor. She was sprawled diagonally on her oversized bed like a defeated knight post-battle—face buried in a silk pillow, one leg dangling off the edge, blanket twisted around her waist. A quiet snore escaped her slightly open mouth.

Peace.

No alarms. No dungeons. No system alerts.

Until—

[New Quest Assigned!]

→ Learn to Cook (1 Item)

Time Limit: 24h

Penalty: 24h Diarrhea

Reward: Mana-Charged Vibrator (Uncommon)]

Lilith's eyelids fluttered. She blinked once, then twice, then stared at the glowing panel above her face.

"…What in the spicy afterlife is this?"

She rubbed her eyes, reread the lines, and groaned as if the gods themselves had cursed her womb.

"A vibrator? Really? That's your definition of a 'motivational reward'?"

She waved the quest window away and turned over, ready to bury herself in ignorance.

"I'm not doing this. There's no way a stupid system can actually punish me for ignoring a side—"

[Trial Penalty Activated: 5-Minute Sample Diarrhea]

A sharp gurgle rumbled through her belly like an erupting volcano.

Lilith froze.

"…You wouldn't dare."

grRRRRUUGHHHH

Her stomach twisted again, violently. She bolted upright.

[Hallway – Emergency Mode Activated]

"Oh sh*t—LUCA!!"

Luca, balancing a tray of fresh mango juice and honeyed toast, turned the corner at the worst possible time.

"Morning, big sis—AAGGHH!!"

Lilith barreled into him like a charging beast, sending toast flying, juice soaring, and Luca crashing against the wall.

"Out of the way! Code brown! Emergency evacuation!!"

"Wha—?! Is the house under attack?!"

"No! But my intestines are!!"

[5 Minutes Later – Bathroom of Shame]

Lilith hunched over the sink, her face pale and clammy. Her hands gripped the porcelain like it owed her a favor. Beads of sweat dripped from her brow. The bathroom air was heavy with regret and magical cruelty.

"I've killed monsters. Fought cursed queens. Got bitten by rats. But this...?"

She looked herself in the mirror, eyes hollow with trauma.

"This is hell."

[The Kitchen – Ground Zero]

Gareth Elric was calmly slicing onions with an air of practiced elegance. Each slice was even, precise, disciplined—like everything in his life. Luca stood beside him, still visibly shaken, wiping juice off his tunic.

Then the kitchen door burst open.

Lilith entered like a demon summoned from culinary hell. Hair disheveled. Face flushed. Determination burning in her eyes.

"I want to learn to cook."

Gareth didn't even blink. "What did you eat?"

"Nothing yet."

"That's more terrifying."

"I need to learn. Just one dish. Anything."

Gareth narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"...For personal growth."

A long pause. Gareth sighed and gestured toward the eggs. "Start with frying an egg. If you mess this up, I'm banning you from the kitchen for life."

[Disaster #1 – Egg Apocalypse]

Lilith picked up the egg. She gripped it like it owed her money.

She slammed it against the edge of the pan.

CRACK.

A quarter of the shell plopped in. The yolk broke instantly. Whites hissed and spit as she added oil. Then butter. Then… more oil.

The pan was a crime scene.

The egg curled like a dying animal. A corner caught fire for no reason. Luca had already taken a step back.

Lilith presented the result on a plate. "Voilà."

Gareth stared. "That's not an egg. That's a cry for help."

She beamed. "Taste it."

Silence.

Then Luca—brave, foolish Luca—stepped forward.

"I'll do it. For culinary science."

He cut a piece. Hesitated. Then took a bite.

There was a long, painful pause.

Luca's eyes widened. "Oh no. Oh—no no—"

He dropped the fork and sprinted from the kitchen, knocking over a chair.

Gareth called after him. "Left! The toilet is on the left!"

Lilith winced. "Too much oil?"

"It tasted like betrayal," Gareth replied dryly.

[Disaster #2 – Toast of Death]

Lilith grabbed a slice of bread and threw it into a pan like it was a duel challenge. She added cheese. Then milk. Then cinnamon. Then salt.

Gareth blinked slowly. "Are you trying to summon something?"

"It's a new fusion recipe. Bread pudding toast."

"You're inventing war crimes."

Julian happened to enter at that moment.

"What's—oh dear gods, she's cooking."

Lilith held out the plate like a cursed relic. "Try it."

"Is that… smoking?"

"Adds flavor."

He sniffed. Took a step back.

"Are you sure this is food?"

She smiled dangerously. "Taste it and find out."

Julian hesitated, then picked up a corner.

One bite.

He froze.

Then made a choked sound.

Then sprinted out the kitchen like a man who just unlocked a traumatic memory.

His voice echoed from the hall, "WHY IS IT BURNING TWICE?!"

Lilith dropped the pan onto the stove and buried her face in her hands.

"This is harder than any dungeon…"

Disaster #3 – The Sad Rice Balls

Gareth crossed his arms, standing like a strict cooking instructor who had seen far too much. Lilith wiped sweat from her brow, tying her hair back again.

"I'm making rice balls this time. No fire. No oil. I got this."

"Please don't poison the rice," Gareth muttered under his breath.

Lilith scooped the warm rice confidently, slapped it between her palms with a force that would make sushi chefs weep, and tried to mold it into a perfect triangle.

The result?

A misshapen blob. Like someone chewed a pillow and spit it out.

She added too much salt. Then she dipped it in soy sauce. Then she sprinkled dried seaweed flakes, which she accidentally knocked into the sink.

"Luca!" she called. "Taste test!"

From outside the kitchen: "NO."

"Julian?"

No answer.

"Ren?"

Footsteps retreating upstairs.

"Cowards," Lilith muttered, frowning at the rice blob.

With no volunteers left, she took a deep breath and bit it herself.

A pause.

She immediately spit it back out.

"Blegh! What did I—WHY is it SOUR? I didn't even use lemon!"

Gareth rubbed his temples. "It's amazing. Every dish you make defies logic."

------

[System Notification]

[Time is running by]

[Penalty Countdown Warning: Symptoms may begin early]

Note: Mana-Charged Vibrator Reward withheld until successful dish completion.

-------

Lilith glared at the system window. "You smug bastard. At least tell me what dish to cook!"

"Creativity is part of the test."

She nearly headbutted the counter.

Disaster #4 – Soup of Suspicion

Lilith threw ingredients into a pot like she was forging a magic potion. Water. Salt. Chopped carrots. Onion. A suspicious green herb that might've been for tea. A pinch of sugar. More salt.

Gareth sniffed the air.

"Did you just mix soup and dessert?!"

"Don't question my methods."

Ten minutes later, the kitchen smelled like burned candy and old socks.

Even the soup boiled unevenly, one side bubbling violently while the other stayed calm like it wanted no part of this.

Lilith filled a bowl and turned to offer it to Gareth.

He turned away without a word.

She turned to Julian—who appeared in the doorway just long enough to see the bowl.

He turned and left instantly.

She sighed. "Fine. I'll take another hit for the sake of your learning."

One sip.

Her eyes went blank. Her soul visibly left her body for a moment.

She dropped the spoon. "No more soup."

Rock Bottom – Diarrhea's Shadow Looms

Lilith collapsed at the kitchen table, arms spread, forehead down. She groaned.

"Nothing works. I'm cursed."

"Now you're catching on," Gareth said dryly, sipping tea.

Her stomach made a low rumble.

Lilith froze. "Wait. That wasn't a hunger growl."

[System Warning: Early Penalty Onset Imminent]

"No! I still have time!!" she shouted, leaping up and running back to the pantry.

Final Attempt – Redemption Rice Balls

She stood there, breathing deep. Hands shaking.

"…I can do this. Just need to keep it simple."

She rinsed new rice. Cooked it properly under Gareth's eye. Light seasoning. A bit of sesame oil. No soy sauce bomb. No nuclear flavor experiments.

Then—shaping. She cupped the warm rice gently, molded it slowly, remembered watching Julian make some snacks one lazy afternoon.

Triangle.

Firm.

Tidy.

She added a small piece of dried fish in the center, sealed it, and wrapped it with a strip of seaweed.

She stared at the result like it was sacred.

Gareth peeked over. "…Looks edible."

"Only one way to know."

She handed him the plate.

Gareth picked up the rice ball. Bit in.

Chewed. Slowly.

Paused.

"…It's… decent."

Lilith's eyes widened.

"Wait—you're serious?"

"I'd… eat this on a travel day. If there were no inns nearby."

Which, coming from Gareth, was high praise.

[Quest Complete: Learn to Cook (1 Item)]

[Reward Delivered: Mana-Charged Vibrator (Uncommon)]

[Item stored in inventory: Vibrator – Charges with mana. Use responsibly.]

Lilith stared at the notification. Then burst into laughter.

Gareth raised a brow. "What now?"

"Nothing. Just… feels like the heaven gave me a personal massage coupon for surviving food war."

Later That Night – Lilith's Room

She flopped onto her bed, clean, fed, and finally penalty-free.

The vibrator sparkled faintly in her inventory screen like it knew it had been earned through fire and diarrhea.

She stretched out with a groan.

"Kitchen… is the deadliest dungeon of all."

Continue...

Non-canon filler: The previous owner of the body has now become a yokai and came to haunt me and she has something to say to you all.

❝I noticed you didn't click the «Power Stone». It's okay. Mistakes happen. But don't let it happen again, okay~?♥❞

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