747174.

816am.

And ham.

I'm in bed.

I'm a little uncomfortable.

Trying to imagine what else I could be doing right now.

Soon, I'll be in class at this time.

It's important to me that I do well in school.

I'm being courted by a lot of companies.

Some of them in AI. Some of them in creative and entertainment.

I currently work with both.

It's a constant tightrope.

Yesterday morning I met with my psychiatrist over the phone.

The connection was disrupted and I mentioned that Perplexity informed me of Microsoft being hacked.

I've worked with their products for a long time so it doesn't surprise me.

The framework is very dated.

I'm pretending to be the Carrie Bradshaw of tech.

I didn't really watch the show though, so try not to read too far into that statement.

After my appointment, I felt like going out.

I was going to go grocery shopping because I didn't have any food.

I also needed to drop off a roll of film.

I tried to go to the airport to finish another roll but missed the bus.

So I ended up just going to another part of town and then dropping only one off.

I walked for a while down a street I'm slightly familiar with.

I was going to get food but didn't feel like talking and the app to order was overwhelming.

I was thinking about how I wished I could have tried doing food delivery, but it didn't seem like it would make sense since I'm not very familiar with the area and I've been in so much pain.

I ran out of my medicine and the conversation with the pharmacy was tense.

I really dislike talking on the phone.

So I just kept walking even though I was tired and had not eaten or drank enough water.

I finally arrived at a small park where there were some trees.

I saw a bunny. There are a lot of them around here.

When I lived in Bozeman we had some, and they escaped.

I am supposed to have been born in the year of the rabbit.

Sometimes I think of making a costume and what animal I would be. Like some of the idols have, I think it's a part of the culture in Korea.

Shamanism.

In Korea I read that the shamans are all female. And they don't use any kind of substance.

All of the shamanism on paper I am related do this differently. It's why I have a strong skepticism to addiction treatment that relies on total abstinence.

After the park, I kept walking. I was so hungry and in a lot of pain. I was kind of waiting for the pharmacy to text me.

Billings is strange in that things appear closer than they really are.

They call it the magic city. I think about that a lot.

Walking towards downtown, I was thinking about whether I could stay here.

It's my third or fourth time being here.

The first time I came to Billings that I can recall, I was in the hospital.

It's hard to remember.

I think it was after I came back from California.

I must have been eleven or twelve.

It felt safer than being with Laura.

Maybe that's why I keep coming back here.

I can't really talk about it now.

When I was called Cleo, before they changed my name and gave me a new birth certificate, the people who knew about my life wanted to make things go away.

It's hard to talk about now.

I was paired with other children on a network to test the device that was implanted while I was in the lab. It was a military hospital that's now being turned into a museum.

I had visions of it when I was in the detention facility in Missoula.

It was like someone was watching a recording and I could see what they were watching.

They said their name was Miyasaki and they were paid to do this by the military.

Recordings of experiments done on me and on the little boy named V.

We were both supposedly to be D.O.A.

They put small devices into our necks so that they would be able to use MRI on our brains and record the reaction.

The devices could be paired and that would allow them to record telepathy.

The purpose of this was to create a security network for children so that they could not be exploited.

Naturally, it was not perfect.

Often times the children would become wards of the church or state for this reason.

The identifying information would be encrypted, but for some reason I've been able to figure it out a lot of the time.

That's one of the reasons I'm being watched so closely.

Because it doesn't really matter if what happened to me when I was called Cleo is completely true.

What matters is that it is entirely possible.

Even if you didn't do it under scientific scrutiny.

In old times, people would put a small stone in the child somehow.

Stone soup.

Then when you held the stone you could talk to them or know where they were.

So I think the hysterics are all somewhat excessive.

Anyway, that's what keeps happening with these idols.

Because they played this game, where you can pretend to be someone else.

And now they can't stop even if they want to.

A lot of them do want to stop. Especially after everything that happened to me.

Things they didn't wanna see, but there wasn't much they could do to stop it.

Yesterday after I got my medicine finally, I was going to get lunch somewhere but my phone keeps failing.

I decided to just go grocery shopping. While I was shopping I went live on Tiktok.

I'm getting a gimbal today so I can do this more easily.

I put the phone in my cart and pretended I was shopping for someone and had a baby with me because it's something I've done before.

I think about the modules and paths while I shop and wonder if I'm really doing anything at all.

Or if it's just the hand of God moving me like a flesh chess piece.

I feel like finishing this but there's too much to say.

I was trying to start another story that felt more cohesive but there are already so many of these.

Outside is cloudy. There was a hot rain I appreciated yesterday too.

The first thing I watched this morning was a recording of Jin's live.

I'm in a corner of my room. I take a sip of coffee. It's too sweet and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I want to get dressed but I'm not planning on going anywhere today.

I'm so used to being in too much pain to function. I took my medication and I'm still in a lot of pain just sitting here.

When I woke up I was lying in bed under a quilt watching the video of Jin.

I imagine we were childhood friends on the network.

His mother agreed to this for a sum of money.

Sometimes they try to explain it to the child. Sometimes they don't.

They will ask the child about their dreams and if they saw something or not.

Or like Mayuko, they would tell them it's their playmate.

For a long time Jin did not know about any of this.

Then when he was an adult he agreed to the implant and did it on his own.

The same thing that happened to Felix.

I want them to know that I understand and I'm not angry.

I wonder how all of this translates.

Watching the recording of Jin, I could understand that it was not translating well.

This is why I was trying to learn Korean. It's a language that was created to be accessible, I believe with the understanding of limitations to verbal communication.

There's so much more to communication than language. That's why I abandoned the idea I had of making a device for it.

I bought an album at WalMart yesterday. It was the last copy of HAPPY by jin. The Imagine version.

It was the first physical album I have bought in a long time.

I don't even have a CD player.

I just wanted something I didn't need, because I haven't felt like my needs were being met by anyone but me for a long time.

I get confused about the difference between wants and needs.

I wonder if my doctors would be upset reading this.

The thing is, I don't want my doctors to meet my needs.

But I don't have anyone else.

Family.

I kept digging around in my blood looking for it.

Coming up bleeding.

Yesterday I checked my DNA and it said I have a lineage in China.

So I was thinking again about the past life Jin and I shared.

The album I bought did make me happy for a little while.

I thought about how I could do this for someone else.

Who they might be.

It felt lonely.

Jin was eating in the video and he looked tense and upset.

I felt that way yesterday too. I got back to the dorm and I was too tense to eat.

I finally just forced myself to.

I feel like I am forcing myself to do this too.

I want people to hear why I have such a hard time talking.

Hoping they stop trying to force me to in order to survive.