Kids Tell the Ugly Truth

Kids Tell the Ugly Truth

Chapter Four: "Why Do Grown-Ups Always Need Coffee?"

Preface

Every generation has its own take on life's mysteries, but nothing unites humanity quite like the question: "Why do grown-ups always need coffee?" Tonight, we're breaking it down by age—because whether you're a toddler who thinks coffee is "grown-up juice," a middle kid who wonders why adults are grumpy before 9 a.m., a preteen who's starting to get suspicious, or a teenager who might be sneaking sips, the ugly truth is always worth hearing.

Show Introduction

[The set features a giant coffee cup, "energy level" meters, and the spinning wheel. Tiffany enters with a mug labeled "World's Okayest Adult."]

Tiffany Haddish (sipping dramatically):

"Welcome back to 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth!' Tonight, we're asking the big question: Why do grown-ups always need coffee? We're getting answers from all four generations—tiny tot, middle kid, preteen, and full-on teenager. Let's see who's got the real scoop!"

Scenario 4: Why Do Grown-Ups Always Need Coffee?

Tiffany:

"Alright, let's start with our youngest expert. Little man, why do you think grown-ups always need coffee?"

Toddler (3-4 years old):

"Because coffee makes them go zoom-zoom! And if they don't have it, they go grumpy-grumpy. My mommy says, 'Don't talk to me, I need my coffee!' so I hide under the table."

Tiffany:

"Smart move, little man. Coffee before conversation, that's the rule!"

Middle Kid (5-9 years old):

"I think adults drink coffee because they have to wake up early and do boring stuff like work and laundry. My dad says coffee is his 'superpower juice.' I tried it once and it tasted like burnt toast water, so I'll stick to chocolate milk."

Tiffany:

"Superpower juice! If only it gave us the power to fold laundry faster."

Preteen (10-12 years old):

"Adults need coffee because they're always tired. They say it's because of work, but I think it's because they stay up late watching shows they tell us not to watch. Also, they say coffee helps them 'adult,' but I think it just makes them talk faster and forget where they put their keys."

Tiffany:

"Preach! Coffee: helping adults lose their keys since forever."

Teenager (13-17 years old):

"Honestly, coffee is just an excuse for adults to hang out at Starbucks and complain about stuff. I tried it once—too bitter. But if I have to get up before 10 a.m., I get it. Plus, it's the only way my mom survives my little brother's 6 a.m. drum practice."

Tiffany:

"Now that's the ugly truth! Coffee: the official sponsor of surviving siblings and early mornings."

Wildcard Round

Tiffany:

"Wildcard! If you could invent a new drink for adults, what would it be called?"

Toddler:

"Happy Juice! It tastes like rainbow sprinkles and makes you sing songs."

Middle Kid:

"Nap-in-a-Cup. You drink it and get to skip chores for an hour."

Preteen:

"Chillaxer. It makes you stop yelling about homework and just vibe."

Teenager:

"WiFi-latte. Gives you energy and perfect internet—no more 'dead zones' in the house."

Tiffany's Take

Tiffany:

"There you have it, folks! From zoom-zoom juice to WiFi-latte, kids know what's up. Maybe next time, instead of coffee, I'll just ask for a nap-in-a-cup and some rainbow sprinkles."

End-of-Episode Credit

Tiffany (on screen):

"Thanks for perking up with us on 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth.' I'm Tiffany Haddish. For more laughs, wisdom, and maybe a new drink idea, visit tiffanyhaddish.com. See you next time—don't forget your Happy Juice!"