005. Conspiracy of the chiseled chin
The rooftop groaned under our weight, like it, too, regretted last night.
Somewhere below, a fire hydrant was still tap-dancing with residual magic. A billboard flickered in the rising light:
> HERO INSURANCE NOW COVERS NARRATIVE COLLATERAL!
Ask your local Destiny Agent today.
I cracked open a warm can of Cursed Citrus™. The fizz gave up immediately, like it had seen things. It tasted like carbonated self-loathing and orange food coloring.
Across from me, Hana was swinging her legs off the ledge, glitter flaking from her jacket like confetti at the wrong parade.
"We did amazing," she chirped, eyes bright and unrepentant. "Team felony! Sparklecore villains unite!"
I stared into the can like it might offer absolution.
"I miss being a truck," I muttered. "Trucks don't get emotionally blackmailed into group activities."
> [UI NOTIFICATION]
Emotional Stability: Unacceptably Low
Suggested Action: Group Hug
Reward: +1 Resilience, -100 Dignity
I hissed at the interface. Hana interpreted it as a compliment.
"I mean, technically no one died. Except my eyebrows," she said, brushing soot from her bangs. "And Ezra saved your butt. "
"Ezra's probably brooding in a gutter somewhere. That's his cardio."
> [QUESTLINE UPDATE]
'Find Emotional Closure with Your Chaotic Support Mage'
Reward: Gross Personal Growth
I chucked the can off the edge. It bounced with a hollow metallic thunk, which felt symbolic.
"Also," Hana continued, "we have matching trauma now. Which means matching outfits. Hoodie buddies. Glitter edition."
"I'm not dressing like a Lisa Frank panic attack."
"We'll work on your aesthetic."
> [SYSTEM MESSAGE: BONDING OPPORTUNITY DETECTED]
Would you like to unlock: Found Family Trope (Reluctant Edition)?
"I will uninstall you with a fork," I told the UI.
It blinked innocently.
The sun kept rising, casting everything in golden hope-glare like a badly timed metaphor. Smoke curled from a broken lamppost below.
Silence settled in. The kind that either leads to reflection or an ambush.
Then—
> [UI WARNING]
Narrative Disturbance Detected.
High-Grade Protagonist Presence Confirmed in Local District.
Alignment Audit Incoming…
I sat up straight. Hana perked like a cat spotting chaos.
"Wait—did that just say protagonist?"
> [FORESHADOWING ENGAGED]
Chapter Boss Approaching: Hero-Class Prodigy.
Alignment Correction: Pending.
I crushed the can.
"Oh good," I muttered. "The plot found us."
---
The rooftop dimmed.
Not from clouds. Not from mood.
From theme music. Blasting across the sky like an unpaid copyright violation. Trumpets. Drums. Choir.
A glowing System chariot descended in slow motion, pulled by two holographic griffins and flanked by six golden Backup Drones belting synthesized harmonies.
Atop it stood a man so offensively main character he might've been printed directly from a YA book cover.
Blonde. Chiseled. Radiating plot armor.
Aurelius Dawn had arrived.
> [SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT]
AURELIUS DAWN, TIER S PROTAGONIST.
SYSTEM-SANCTIONED ALIGNMENT ENFORCER.
HERO CLASS: SHINING PARAGON. CURRENT RANK: NARRATIVE MVP.
CURRENT MISSION: "Purify Genre Contamination."
He landed with an audible twinkle.
His cape fluttered like it had its own agent.
Leo blinked. "Is he... glowing?"
Hana gasped. "He's shiny!"
Leo squinted harder. "He's like if propaganda and abs crunches had a baby."
> [UI ALERT]
DANGER: Hero-Class Protagonist Detected.
System Alignment Audit In Progress.
Hide Your Sarcasm. It's a Buff-Based Offense.
Aurelius stepped forward, every movement choreographed by sheer narrative gravity. He drew a glowing longsword—engraved with motivational quotes in Old High Systemese—and saluted with unnecessary sparkle.
"Leo," he said, voice like a thousand training arcs. "You've strayed from your intended trajectory."
"I was never on one," Leo muttered. "I was a truck."
Aurelius didn't flinch. Of course he didn't.
"The System has tracked your deviance. You've destabilized character growth quotas in two districts. Your sarcasm-to-redemption ratio is critically unbalanced."
Leo took a step back. "You're making that up."
"I'm literally not. I have a spreadsheet."
> [PROJECTED DATASET]
Leo: Antihero Drift – 74%
Failure to Bond – 3 Instances
Quippy Detachment: Chronic.
Unfulfilled Redemption Potential: Tragic.
Hana whispered, "Ooh, charts."
Aurelius gestured, and the data dissolved into light. "This is your chance, Leo. We can guide you back to a structured protagonist arc. You'll get flashbacks. Power unlocks. A tragic loss. A pet sidekick."
"I was the tragic loss," Leo snapped. "And my sidekick tried to throw glitter at the DMV."
Hana shrugged. "No regrets!"
Aurelius turned to her with benevolent blinding radiance. "Hana Minase, Chaotic Support Mage. Your potential has been reviewed. You've been offered a slot in the Protagonist Support Mage Internship Program™. Mentorship. Hair products. An inspiring musical cue."
"Do I get a transformation sequence?"
"Yes."
"I'M IN."
Leo looked betrayed. "You sold out in under five seconds."
"I sparkle, Leo. It was destiny."
> [UI WHISPERING NERVOUSLY]
Suggestion: Flee.
Alternative Suggestion: Cry in Basement.
Third Option: Tactical Glitter Deployment.
Aurelius approached, now too close for comfort.
"You don't have to be this," he said. "This… walking metaphor for wasted potential."
Leo glared. "I'm not wasted potential. I'm unrecyclable destiny garbage."
Aurelius raised his sword.
A flicker of holy light. The rooftop shook slightly—either from magic or how much this guy believed in his own arc.
"Last chance," Aurelius said. "Reformat. Realign. Embrace your heroic blueprint."
Leo sipped his flat Cursed Citrus™ and deadpanned, "I'd rather be audited by a flying Roomba again."
The music swelled behind Aurelius.
> [CHAPTER BOSS FIGHT: INITIATED]
Objective: Resist Genre Correction
Optional Goal: Humiliate System Golden Boy Without Dying
Leo sighed.
"Fine. Let's dance, glowstick."
---
The moment Aurelius Dawn raised that glowing sword, I knew the genre had officially declared war on me.
He was radiant. Cloak fluttering in wind that wasn't there. Eyes sparkling with sincerity. Skin glowing like he moisturized in destiny.
"My name is Aurelius Dawn," he intoned, "and your arc ends here."
> [UI ALERT]
CHAPTER BOSS ENGAGED: AURELIUS DAWN – "The Golden Arc"
Threat Level: Aggressively Inspirational
Objective: Avoid Being Rewritten Into a Stoic Mentor™
I took one long sip of my flat Cursed Citrus™, crushed the can in my fist, and said the only thing that made sense.
"I hate you."
He lunged.
"Solar Blade: Redemptive Arc Slash!" he yelled like he'd never felt shame in a group chat.
I rolled. Not gracefully. More like a man being attacked mid-therapy session. His anime sword sliced the air, exploding in a heroic boom that probably caused property damage to seven unrelated subplots.
"WHY ARE YOU YELLING YOUR MOVES?!" I shouted from behind an AC unit. "THIS ISN'T A TOURNAMENT ARC, IT'S A RESTRAINING ORDER!"
Hana, glitter-drenched and terrifyingly cheerful, chucked something over my head.
"SUDDEN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!" she chirped.
The bomb detonated in a puff of pink fog and what smelled suspiciously like vanilla-scented trauma.
Aurelius stumbled, blinking sparkles out of his eyelashes. "What the—what is this?!"
"Glitter-based emotional warfare," I wheezed. "She's a specialist."
> [UI MALFUNCTION: Interference Detected]
Alignment Scan... Jammed
Reason: Excessive Sparkle Field / Narrative Subversion Detected
I seized the opportunity. Darted through the mist. Slammed my hand into the hovering UI projection.
"I've been reflecting!" I lied. "I've journaled! I've confronted my inner child and told him to get a job!"
> [FALSE POSITIVE: Emotional Growth +10]
Reassigning archetype: Reformed Rogue Hero…?
Aurelius recovered.
He rose slowly, sword pointed downward, radiating the kind of smug power only achievable through a daily affirmation playlist and 300 push-ups.
"Enough games," he said. "This ends now. ALIGNMENT RESET BEAM, ACTIVATE!"
A beam of golden light coalesced in his hands, glowing like every YA protagonist's big moment mashed into one overproduced redemption arc.
I screamed.
But not from fear.
From spite.
"I WAS A TRUCK!"
---
> [SYSTEM ERROR]
Ontological Paradox Detected
Recalculating Archetypal Trajectory...
Panic Subroutine Engaged
The air froze.
UI flickered. Clouds juddered. A pigeon stopped mid-flap and reevaluated its life choices.
Aurelius hovered, visibly rattled. "What?"
I was panting now. Wide-eyed. Unwell.
"Four wheels. No emotions. I delivered water bottles and justice. I HAD A LICENSE."
He blinked. "I don't—what are you talking about?"
"My existence is a recall notice!"
> [CRITICAL ERROR: Existential Feedback Loop Initiated]
Alignment Beam: Stalled
Narrative Thread: Frayed
Philosophical Crisis Module Booting…
The system crashed harder than I did into that bakery in 2016. Sparks flew. Aurelius stuttered in the air, buffering like bad Wi-Fi.
And that's when Ezra arrived.
Smoke.
Crowbar.
Scowl.
He didn't say anything. Just leapt from the adjacent rooftop and landed like an opinion with steel-toed boots. The crowbar whistled once—CRACK—right into the alignment beam's core.
Aurelius flinched. Sparks exploded.
"Why do you keep saving me?" I groaned.
Ezra didn't answer. Just glared at Aurelius like he was a particularly smug tax form.
> [SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
Boss Fight: Canceled Due to Emotional Interference
Protagonist Integrity: Shaken
Recommended Exit Strategy: Run.
Ezra grabbed my hoodie. "Move."
We didn't need to be told twice. Hana whooped. I stumbled. We all dove into the open trash chute behind the AC unit like it was a portal to freedom—and it kinda was.
As the system rebooted behind us, one thought burned through my soul.
I just broke a protagonist.
And honestly?
Felt pretty good.
---
I flopped down on what used to be a decorative rooftop garden and was now mostly rubble and emotional fallout.
My lungs still tasted like ozone and existential whiplash. My hand shook as I cracked open another can of Cursed Citrus™.
Flat. Warm. Spitefully fizzy.
"Delicious," I muttered. "Just like my feelings. Artificial. Slightly toxic. And carbonated out of spite."
> [UI ALERT]
Emotional Stability: Erratic
Coping Detected: Beverage Abuse
Suggested Intervention: Hug Therapy (Beta Feature)
"Suggest that again," I hissed, "and I'll uninstall you with a crowbar."
Ezra didn't laugh. Of course not. He just appeared, like narrative regret wearing boots.
He dropped another folder in front of me. Same battered look. More pages. More names.
Some were scratched out.
But some... were marked Restored.
I frowned. "Restored to what?"
Ezra crouched beside me. Eyes flat. Voice low.
> "You're not the only one they rewrote."
That sentence hit like a glitch I could feel.
> "That hero?" he said, jerking his chin toward the skyline, where Aurelius had vanished into a reboot. "He didn't exist six weeks ago. They built him. Gave him a role. A narrative. A team."
He tapped the folder.
> "They're manufacturing arcs. Resetting people. Templates, Leo. Copy-paste protagonists with legally distinct redemption plans."
My stomach turned. Or maybe that was the soda.
He met my eyes.
> "You were a tool. A system asset. Now you're not. That makes you... unstable."
"Thanks," I said. "Always wanted to be a walking error message."
> "No," he corrected. "It makes you dangerous."
The UI pulsed.
Hard.
Glitchy.
Like it was being forced to spit something out it wasn't coded to show.
> [HIDDEN QUEST UNLOCKED]
Title: The Manufactured Protagonist Conspiracy
Objective: Expose the Alignment-Forging Program
Reward: Truth. Possibly Trauma. Definitely Regret.
I stared at the folder. My hand twitched like it wanted to throw it into the sun.
Instead, I closed it. Tightly.
Behind me, Hana kicked some debris off the ledge and said brightly:
> "We're like, villains with lore now. Love that for us."
I took a long, shaky breath. Glared at the sky. Glared at her.
"I hate this arc."
She beamed. "That means it's working."
---
> 🎬 End of chapter 5