last call .ᐟ

「 ✦ Rimuru Tempest | Filler✦ 」

Ted's Last Call was a dive bar in the truest sense—cramped, dimly lit, and reeking of stale beer and something stronger.

It sat on the very edge of Ur's outer district, somehow having escaped the devastation that had claimed the town center. Maybe the angels had standards about what constituted a legitimate target, or maybe they just missed it in all the chaos.

Either way, I was grateful.

The place was nearly empty save for myself and my boy Ted, the bartender—a grizzled man in his fifties with calloused hands and the kind of thousand-yard stare that came from seeing too much shit. He was currently working his way through what appeared to be his personal stash, the sweet, pungent smell of weed mixing with the bar's usual cocktail of odors.

"Ya see," Ted said, taking a long drag and holding it before slowly exhaling, "I always thought the end of this place would be more dramatic."

I took a sip of my whiskey—surprisingly decent stuff for a place like this. "More dramatic how?"

"I don't know. Demons pouring out of hell. Maybe some godforsaken horsemen." He gestured vaguely with his joint. "Just not flying women with swords turning the entire town into dust."

"Yeah, well," I said, swirling the amber liquid in my glass, "reality's rarely as cinematic as we'd like."

Ted chuckled, a rough sound that turned into a cough. "Ain't that the truth. You want to know what I was doing when those things showed up? Taking a piss. Heard the explosions, felt the ground shake, and I'm standing there with my dick in my hand thinking, 'Well, this is how I die—pants down in a back-alley toilet.'"

I snorted with laughter despite myself. "Could be worse."

"How's that?"

"Could've been taking a shit."

"Goddamn it, you're right." He took another hit, his eyes getting redder by the minute. "At least pissing's quick. Can you imagine trying to wipe your ass while the world ends around you?"

"The real tragedy would be dying with unfinished business."

"Speaking of unfinished business," Ted said, leaning against the bar, "you ever think about all the things you never got around to doing? Like, I always meant to visit my sister in Brooke. Haven't seen her in... shit, fifteen years? Maybe more."

"What stopped you?"

"Life. Work. The usual bullshit excuses." He shrugged. "Always figured there'd be time later. It's hilarious how 'later' has a way of running out when you're not paying attention."

I nodded, understanding that feeling all too well. "I read somewhere that regrets are a luxury for people who think they have time to fix things."

"That's some deep shit right there." Ted squinted at me through the haze. "You must've seen your fair share of shit."

"We all have."

"Yeah, but some of us have seen more shit than others." He stubbed out his joint and immediately started rolling another one. "Take you, for instance. You show up in town a few days ago, and suddenly everything goes to hell. That's not coincidence."

I tensed slightly, but Ted held up a hand.

"Relax, my good man. I'm not accusing you of anything. Hell, from what I heard, you tried to warn people. But trouble follows certain types of people, you know? Like a scent they can't wash off."

"And what type would that be?"

"The dangerous type. Those who are too strong for their own good, or maybe too good for their own strength." He lit his fresh joint, took a hit, and studied me through the smoke. "Those that can't just walk away when shit gets real."

"Maybe walking away would be the smart thing to do."

"Maybe. But you won't, will you?"

I didn't answer immediately, just stared into my drink. The whiskey was warm going down, burning just enough to remind me I was still alive.

"There's still a hundred thousand monsters out there," I said finally.

"And you're going to do something about it."

"That's the plan."

Ted laughed, but it wasn't mocking. "See? That's what I'm talking about. Normal people—smart people—they hear 'hundred thousand monsters' and they run. They pack up whatever they can carry and get the fuck out. But not you."

"Haha. I'm just stupid."

"Probably. Or maybe you're exactly the kind of stupid the world needs right now."

Ted took another long drag, his movements becoming more relaxed as the weed hit him harder. "You know what else is stupid? Women."

I raised an eyebrow. "That's a hell of a segue."

"No, no, hear me out." He waved his joint around, leaving trails of smoke in the air. "I've been married three times. Three! Each one I thought was 'the one,' you know? Each one I was convinced would be different."

"And?"

"And each one taught me something new about how spectacularly I could fuck up a relationship." He laughed, but there was no bitterness in it—just the weary acceptance of a man who'd made peace with his mistakes. "First wife, Martha. Sweet as pie, but boring as watching paint dry. Second wife, Angela—now that woman could fuck like a goddamn hurricane, but she was crazier than a shithouse rat."

I nearly choked on my whiskey. "Damn it, Ted."

"What? I'm being honest here! Angela was hardcore. In all the ways that matter and all the ways that don't. Best sex of my life, hands down, but she once threw a cast iron skillet at my head because I forgot to buy milk."

"And the third wife?"

"Rebecca." His expression softened slightly. "She was the balance, you know? Not as wild as Angela, but not as dull as Martha. Problem was, by the time I met her, I was already too set in my ways. Too used to fucking things up. Couldn't appreciate what I had until it was gone."

He took another hit, staring off into the distance. I clinked my glass against his. "Well. Cheers to that."

We sat in silence for a while, the only sounds being the distant crackling of fires still burning in the ruined town center and the occasional clink of ice in my glass. Ted worked his way through his joint like someone who'd been self-medicating for years.

"It's really fucked up, isn't it?" Ted asked eventually, his words slightly slurred now. "That regular people like me have to depend on people like you to save our asses?"

"Oh yeah? How do you mean?"

"I mean, I've been alive fifty-three years. Paid my taxes, followed the laws, tried to be a decent person. And when push comes to shove, when the real shit hits the fan, all that normal life experience counts for exactly nothing. I can't fight monsters. I can't do magic. Hell, I can barely keep this shitty bar running."

He took another drag, his eyes unfocused. How high off his ass was he now?

"But you? You're probably younger than my nephew, and you can do things that would make the gods themselves think twice. It's not fair, is it? That the world's problems always fall on the shoulders of people who never asked for that kind of responsibility."

"Life's not fair," I said. "If it was, good people wouldn't die young and assholes wouldn't live forever."

"Amen to that." He raised his joint in a mock toast. "Here's to an unfair world and the poor bastards who have to fix it."

I clinked my glass against his joint. "Cheers."

There was something oddly peaceful about sitting in this smoky dive bar, sharing a drink with a man who was probably going to die in the next few hours. I was halfway through my second whiskey when the question occurred to me.

"Ted," I said, pausing mid-sip. "You ever think about leaving this place?"

He blinked slowly, his red-rimmed eyes focusing on me with some difficulty. He took a long drag from his weed—must have been his fourth or fifth by now—and blew the smoke toward the ceiling.

"Nah," he said simply, like he made the decision long ago. "This is my place. Been here all my life. Seen it grow from a nothing town to... well, back to a nothing town, I guess."

He shrugged, completely at peace with his choice.

"Figure if I'm gonna die, might as well be somewhere that means something to me. Even if it's just a shitty bar at the end of a nothing town."

I finished the last of my whiskey and set the glass down with a soft clink. The alcohol had done its job—taking the edge off the mental exhaustion without dulling my senses since I couldn't get drunk. Time to get back to reality.

"Well, Ted," I said, standing up and stretching. "I should probably—"

The door swung open with a soft chime, and both Ted and I turned to look at the newcomer.

Holy shit.

The woman who stepped into the dive bar looked like she'd walked straight out of some high-end establishment rather than the ruins of a destroyed town. She was tall—definitely over 170 cm—with long, flowing jet-black hair that caught what little light the bar had to offer. Her golden eyes swept the room with an elegant confidence, and I caught sight of slightly pointed ears peeking through her hair.

She wore what looked like a black kimono-style outfit with intricate floral patterns along the hems and a pink undershirt that did absolutely nothing to hide her generous curves.

Ted and I exchanged a look, and I could see the same thought written all over his face.

"Now that is a woman," Ted said under his breath.

I couldn't help but smile at his reaction, though I was more cautious. While she didn't seem that strong compared to me, I could sense something about her. She was definitely not human, and definitely not weak.

The woman noticed our stares and smiled gracefully. "Good day, gentlemen. I hope I'm not intruding."

"Not at all, miss," Ted said, straightening up despite his intoxicated state. "Welcome to Ted's Last Call. Though I gotta warn you, we're not exactly operating under normal circumstances tonight."

"So I've noticed," she replied, her voice carrying a slight accent I couldn't quite place. She gestured toward the destruction visible through the windows. "The town seems to have seen better days."

"That's putting it mildly," I said, studying her more carefully. "I'm Rimuru. And you are?"

"Tio Klarus," she replied with a slight bow that was both respectful and somehow regal. "A pleasure to meet you both."

Ted was already moving behind the bar, his movements more coordinated than they had any right to be given how much he'd smoked. "What can I get you, Miss Tio? Though I should mention, our wine selection took a bit of a hit when those angels came calling."

"Angels?" Tio's eyebrows rose slightly. "How... unusual. I'll take whatever you have that's strongest, if you don't mind."

"Coming right up." Ted started pulling bottles, clearly trying to impress despite his condition. "So, what brings a lovely lady like yourself to our little corner of nowhere? Especially on what might be this town's last day on Tortus?"

Tio accepted the glass Ted offered—something that looked like it could strip paint—and took a sip without flinching. "I was hoping to warn everyone about an approaching monster horde, but it seems that particular crisis has been overshadowed by more immediate concerns."

"You came all this way just to warn people?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"It seemed like the right thing to do." She took another sip of her drink. "Though I appear to have arrived rather late to be of any help."

Ted laughed, the sound slightly slurred but genuine. "Story of my life, Miss Tio. Always a day late and money short. But hey, at least you're here now. Means we get to enjoy some quality company while we wait for whatever's coming next."

"Ever the optimist," I said dryly.

"What else am I gonna be? Pessimistic? Hell, if I'm gonna die anyway, might as well enjoy the view." Ted gestured toward Tio with his joint. "And speaking of views..."

"Ted," I warned.

"What? I'm being respectful! Mostly."

Tio laughed—a rich, melodious sound that somehow made the shabby bar feel a little less depressing. "I appreciate the sentiment, even if the delivery could use some work."

We spent the next few minutes in casual conversation—Tio asking about the town, Ted regaling her with increasingly embellished stories about his bar's history, and me mostly listening while trying to figure out exactly what kind of being she was.

Eventually, Ted's various substances caught up with him. He excused himself to the bathroom, leaving Tio and me alone in the dim bar.

The moment Ted was out of earshot, I shifted into a more professional demeanor.

"Alright," I said, my voice losing its casual warmth. "What are you really doing here, Tio?"

She blinked, clearly surprised by the sudden change in my tone. Then she smiled—not the polite, social smile she'd been wearing, but something more genuine.

"Straight to the point. I appreciate that." She set down her glass and met my eyes directly. "The truth is, not long ago I was... compromised. Mind controlled by a mysterious boy while I was napping in the northern mountain ranges."

"Tell me about it."

"Yes. It was most unpleasant." Her expression darkened slightly. "Fortunately, an adventurer named Hajime Nagumo and his companions managed to... break me free of the influence."

"How?"

"Let's just say they were very thorough in their methods," she said, her cheeks coloring slightly. "I'd rather not go into the specific details of how exactly Hajime managed to snap me out of it. It was effective, but somewhat embarrassing… and painful."

I had a feeling there was a lot more to that story, but I didn't press. "And after that?"

"I was unable to move for some time. When I finally recovered, I came here to warn the townspeople about the monster horde I'd sensed approaching. But as you can see..." She gestured toward the destruction outside. "I arrived too late to be of any help."

She picked up her glass again and drained it in one go, not even wincing at what had to be pure alcohol.

"And now," she continued, "I find myself in a ruined town, drinking with strangers while a hundred thousand monsters approach. It's been quite the day."

I stood up, brushing off my clothes. "Well, at least one of us is about to have their day get more interesting."

"Where are you going?" Tio asked, her golden eyes following my movements.

"To slaughter the monster horde."

She stared at me for a moment, then burst out laughing. "You're insane. You can't possibly be thinking of facing that army alone."

I paused, genuinely surprised. It had been a while since someone had underestimated me to that degree. The reaction was so innocent, so genuinely concerned, that I couldn't help but be amused.

"Don't worry," I said, flashing her a confident smile. "I'm the strongest, after all."

Besides, I'd been working on a new spell that I'd been dying to test out. A hundred thousand monsters seemed like the perfect opportunity to see what it could do.