Window Seat

Everyone hated Mondays. It is the villain of the week for most. The sudden shift from leisure to responsibility feels like stepping out of a warm shower into the cold. There always seems to be so much to do with very little time. The irony is, on Mondays time seems to always move so slow. 

She didn't hate Mondays, it was like any other day of the week. She'd get to the office with her beverage, sip, read, respond, research, cross-check, write, submit and move on. Attend a few meetings, probably a brief presentation and that was it. A normal weekday. 

By 5pm, she was out of the office. Thirty minutes later she was on a bus home, earphones in, head against the window. She got home, showered and changed into a fresh tee and sweatpants. She didn't do any makeup, just chapstick and left for the meeting scheduled for 7pm. 

She got there a little early. Early enough to take her time up the front stairs, enough to walk slowly down the hallway. Enough to notice one of the hallway lights wasn't as bright as the others. 

She stepped into the room and someone looked her direction. She didn't notice. All her attention rested on the guy in her seat. Her window seat. The seat she had sat on every day since she started attending these meetings. It was the tallest of the newcomers. 

She stared and studied him for a while. He sat with his arms crossed, staring at nothing in particular. Whether he noticed her staring at him or not, only he knew. 

She wasn't too bothered by the fact that he had taken her spot. She only noticed, and pushed the thought to the back of her mind as she sat five chairs to the right. She fished out her phone and started scrolling, just as she always did almost every other day as the room filled. 

The regulars came, Dan brought the white box as usual. Smiled and greeted whoever indulged him. Sadie came in and sat next to Sienna, "Hi," the girl whispered. Sienna replied with a nod and a smile. 

There were a few new faces Sienna had never seen before. Mariam brought in few extra chairs with the help of Martin. He didn't have his wedding ring on today.

There were a few murmurs, a chuckle or two there, someone at the snack table fetching coffee, all very routine before they began. 

In a calm tone, Mariam started them off in the same manner she always did. Once or twice she would opt for a different choice of words, something other than, "Hey guys, lovely to see everyone again." There was always a kind smile that followed. "Welcome to today's session." 

Today wasn't one of those days. She started them off with those carefully rehearsed words, clipboard in hand. 

Some replied, some gave nods, some gentle grunts. Nothing new. 

Most spoke, others just listened. 

Dan said business had been slow since morning. Sadie talked about not having the energy to attended any of her classes. "I was in bed all day," she told them. She added that she didn't feel guilty about missing any of them and that she was proud of herself for showing up for the meeting. Mariam told her everyone was also proud that she could make it. 

Martin took quite a while sharing. Which was okay, always okay. He talked about his wife, he talked about his kids. Said he wished they could get as close as they were before. "Britney called me on Saturday, she sounded happy. Told me she was." He then took close to half a minute before going on, "It meant a lot, that call." His eyes were getting wet. Someone passed him a box of tissues he didn't use. "It made me feel like she loved me, that she cared about me."

"Of course she loves you, of course she cares about you Martin," Mariam told him trying to find his eyes. "You are her father, she loves you!" She repeated. 

And after Martin, the circle moved on. Sienna didn't say much, just that work was okay. She visited her parents. Mariam asked how that was and Sienna replied. The circle moved on. 

The brief moment of silence before he spoke wasn't too loud, wasn't too out of place. Especially because this room is used to such moments of silence. He didn't clear his throat like most did before sharing, he just leaned forward a bit and spoke. 

"Sometimes," he paused. Everyone was looking at him. "Sometimes I hum just to prove that I'm still here." 

It is not so much the statement itself that hit everyone like a brick, it was the tone that he said it with. It was miles beyond sad, it was gut-wrenching, it was the sound of someone drowning. 

Mariam managed to find something sweet to say to him. Sienna didn't hear a word of it. In fact she didn't hear anything said by anyone after he spoke. That one line from him stayed with her for a long time. Longer than she thought it would. 

Soon as he had said it, she felt something settle in her chest. She didn't know what exactly, but his statement had moved something in her. 

And now he wasn't just a stranger in her seat anymore. 

As the circle moved on, Sienna didn't. People spoke, she didn't hear a thing. She just sat there, looking in his direction but not at him, thinking. Thinking about what he had said. Maybe it was the way he said it, maybe it was the tone he said it with, maybe it was the choice of words. She didn't know. 

Mariam wrapped the meeting close to an hour later. Thanking everyone for coming in, thanking everyone who shared, reassuring those who hadn't that it was okay. The normal stuff. 

She asked them all to say how they felt in one word. Most managed a word, Sienna did too, she said, "Moved." Whether that was in reference to what the new guy had said or to her own life, she didn't know. 

After the session, some left immediately, two of the new faces went to talk to Mariam in hushed tones, others went to the snack table. Dan had brought them cookies again, he didn't say if he used any special ingredients. Sienna didn't take any. He didn't either. 

Any other day, soon as she walked out of the building, she would always plug in her earphones. Not to listen to anything specific, sometimes she would just hit shuffle, other times she would just have them in without anything playing. Today she didn't plug them in. She just pulled the hood over her head and walked in silence. 

Later that night in her apartment, she sat on her bed, diary in hand. She tapped her pen on the fresh new page for quite a while, having no idea what to write about. In the end she settled on the only thing that had been on her mind for the larger part of the evening. 

"...I hum just to prove that I'm still here."

She fell asleep with the diary still in her hand.