Save it for the coffee

I put on my glasses and looked into the mirror. "Wow, what a face." I thought as I stared at my eyebags. "Come on, pull yourself together, Heather. It's just one minor setback, nothing major." I consoled myself, trying not to fall into a hole of self-pity. It was just one person living with me, not the end of the world. Of course, being alone was the ideal, but it doesn't seem like she'll inconvenience me that much.

I brushed my bangs into place with my hands. "Living with her might be a bit of a headache, though. She seems....irresponsible and immature, but she's got the money, so this will have to do for now." I sighed as I sat down on the cover of the toilet seat. "How does she even have that much money? And the whole, "don't answer the door for anyone asking for me" thing? It seems kind of sketchy..." I held my chin with my fingers, thinking about how I should go about this. I really shouldn't have agreed to be her roommate on a whim just because she had the money, but I really needed it. It was either get put out and be homeless or have to live with someone who you probably wouldn't even see half the time. But still, I could see so many ways that this choice could go bad.

I've read about a lot of freakish things that have happened in the past and still happen to this day. Cults hidden as faith, human sacrifices, religions practicing cannibalism and so on, so naturally I didn't want to live with anyone. My belief in these sort of things caused me to be outcast, and being alone is what I found comfort in. But she affirmed my weird beliefs and said she wants to be safe from those things, too. I don't know how much that conversation meant to her, but it meant a lot to me that she shared and validated my beliefs. Everyone always made me feel crazy, and she didn't do that. But now, finally living in the same place, I fear that she doesn't think I'm crazy because in comparison to her, I'm normal.

I didn't want to say anything because it's only been a day living with her, but the constant muttering and talking to herself is kind of... concerning? I mean, everyone talks to themselves but in front of other people? I don't think so. "You know what, who am I to judge? Maybe she just doesn't know how to socialize -" I stopped talking. I heard a faint voice coming from her room. "Mallory? Is she talking to herself again?" I got up and walked out of the bathroom, and I could hear her panicked voice much clearer now. She repeated over and over. "Why?" Just that one word, repeated and shortly interrupted by her sobs. "A mental breakdown, perhaps? Yeah, she seems like the type to do that often." I started walking towards my room, but then her words started to change and differ.

"Why can't I forget it? Why can't I forget that day?" She started to say, her choice of words differing each sentence. Her door was slightly ajar, so I could see her laying on the floor. "Why should I care, I'm not going to be much help to her anyway." I stared into the cracked door. "This is not my issue." I pushed the door open. "I don't need to be doing this." I called out to her. "Mallory, are you... okay?" It's too late now, I already decided to help her, even though it's not my problem.

She sat up quickly, still sobbing and ugly crying, snot dripping down her chin. "Do you think I look okay?" She asked weakly, sniffling between each word and avoiding eye contact. I looked down at her, trying my hardest not to say something rude. I was already regretting this choice so intensely. I didn't sign up to give anyone free comfort, but I guess I couldn't just leave her like this.

I sighed and knelt down next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong? What happened on that day that's making you this distressed?" My words of comfort sounded more like a therapist trying to diagnose a patient rather than an actual attempt of sincere kindness. She turned her head to look at me, with a desperate expression on her face. "I... I can't..." She didn't even get any words in before she started to bawl. I instinctively wrapped my arms around her, and she latched onto me like a helpless newborn clinging onto her mother. "She's so... cold." I thought to myself. Maybe it's because of her bizarre outfit choice for the unforgiving weather of Canada, or maybe she just had bad body temperature regulation.

Her grip around me tightened, and her face made its way to the crook of my neck. "You smell...so nice." She mumbled, barely audible to my ears. What the fuck? I didn't know if I was hearing her right. Did she really just say that? I rubbed her back awkwardly, trying to sooth her. "It's okay, Mallory, take your time." I really wanted to let her go at this point. I could feel her snot dripping from her nose and onto my shoulder and neck. Not only that, but the position we were in felt kind of strange for people who just met.

"It's just.. Everything has been moving so fast these past months..." She opened her mouth, and I could feel her breath on my neck, which was also cold. "I haven't been able to process anything, and..." She started to sound like she was about to sob again. "Easy, just breathe. It's okay. Take your time." She hugged me tight, like she was scared of me letting go. I could feel her chest, once rapid with panicked breaths now rising and falling slowly. She was calming down.

"I'm sorry I'm making you deal with this.." She apologized, and her grip started to slacken. "It's fine, just relax." I said as I also started to slowly let go of her.

"You don't have to talk about it right now if it's too much." I tried to say words that she might want to hear right now while my arms slipped off of her. "Yeah... thanks.." She let go of me too and started to wipe her nose. "Gross." I thought to myself, watching her blow and smear the snot even more. "Stop that. I'll get you some tissues." She slowly moved her hands away from her face, looking almost embarrassed. I mean, that is a very embarrassing situation to be in. She's lucky that I was the one there and not some other judgemental asshole.

She blew her nose into the tissue I brought for her, then began to speak. "Maybe we should save this convo for the coffee?" She asked with a forced smile. Why was she smiling right now? You don't have to hide how pathetic you're feeling right now. It's kind of pointless since I saw it already. "Yeah, probably. Maybe we should." I smiled back at her, and her whole demeanor changed. She smiled widely, like a kid on Christmas day. "Right! I'm looking forward to it!" She quickly got up and rushed to the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

I sighed as I looked at my snot stained shirt. I held my head in frustration, still sitting on the floor. "Why did I agree to this?" Not only is she way too young to have anything figured out, but she's also an emotional mess." But for some strange reason, I felt like she was my responsibility. She didn't tell me much about herself or her life story, but I could tell she needed someone desperately, and I wasn't too opposed to taking on that role. I mean, she's the only person who made me feel like I wasn't insane, I wouldn't mind being there for her, too.

After taking another shower and changing my shirt, I checked the time on my phone. "5:56am... I guess I'm leaving a little later than usual." I sighed and began to head out the door. Mallory was staring at me with a puppy like expression on her face. The kind of face your dog makes when you have to leave for work. She looked like she wanted to say something but was hesitant. "Is there something you need?" I asked, assuming maybe she was too shy to ask. "No.. I shouldn't....that's intruding. I can't be invasive like that." She replied, more to herself than to me.

I just shrugged and walked out the door, ready for another boring day at work. The distance from this apartment to my workplace was decently far, even for traveling in a car. At least I had a lot of time to mentally prepare myself for the hell hole that they have the nerve to call a workplace. I opened the door to my car, preparing for a day full of ass kissing and self depreciation. "At least, I have the weekend to look forward to." I thought as I started to drive away. "And of course.... the coffee."