Gerdur spoke. "We need someone to go to Whiterun. The Jarl needs to know." I shake my head before she's even finished speaking. "It can't be me. (The Dragonborn must have chosen Hadvar. He must have. But then why is Ralof- shut up brain) I need to go to Rorikstead. I doubt the Imperials will admit they were about to execute someone for petty thievery, and shot him down when he got scared and ran. Also... I have something else in that area. I don't know... I need..."
I drift, my mind fogging. Oh... Right... Dead child. Dead Mother. Dead Father. "He must be alone... They wouldn't see him, not when they died still looking for him... If they could see him, they wouldn't have killed each other... Rin..."
"A Seer?! Oh, there hasn't been a Seer in centuries! Even the Daedric Prince of Fate can't choose a Seer, they have to be born with the gift!" Gerdur seems thrilled. I open my mouth to deny, but... If people would listen when I say something is more dangerous than it seems...
I close my mouth and look away, guilt writhing in my gut as though my intestines turned into serpents. "I need to head out. I can't stand the thought of... I..." I shake my head, I can't think about how scared he must be. His parents obviously can't see him, but can he see his parents? One poisoned by their wife, the other struck by the axe in their husbands' hands?
It can't wait. Hopefully, it'll also contribute to me being known enough to buy Lakeview. Goldenhill Plantation is beautiful, but I don't like the idea of them living in that house. Maybe if gathering renown takes to long. It's summer now. I won't wait for it to grow colder.
I wave goodbye to Faendal as I set out. I pop by bleak falls barrow quick, figuring I can do Gerdur's request and Farangars on the way. I blush a bit in embarrassment, having forgotten I need to get to the Whiterun stables anyway. The Dragonborn might be with Hadvar, but I don't know what his priorities are. And I doubt the dragons will wait just because he hasn't taken that quest yet.
The road to Whiterun is long, but I kill everything I encounter with one hit. After wiping out a group of bandits I take a moment to hurl. They had names above their heads. They have blood outside their bodies. Dead, dead. Dead dead dead. Ding dong, we're all dead. You're dead, I'm dead, everyone is dead.
I don't remember much of the way there. It must have been so boring it blurred together. (I can see my bones ha-ha, I can see them outside my skin-) I scraped together just enough to buy my horse. I named him Ryder. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Oops. That was out loud. I scared the carriage driver. Wait, did I give the Dragonstone to Farangar? I must have, it isn't in my inventory.
"Not that kind of crazy. I'm not a fan of blood." The carriage driver isn't as tense, but still sneaks glances back. Fair. I would too. "I... Had my first kill not long ago. I'm not... Handling it. I would say not handling it well, but... Frankly, I'm not handling it at all." I don't like sharing my issues, but I feel guilty for scaring him.
"Bit old for your first kill, lad...?" I grimace, and tell a version of the truth. "I grew up sheltered. Killing wasn't necessary, home was safe. Think I might not have been done any favors." Sheltered. That's the right word. I was safe. I didn't need to lock my door. I wasn't allowed to anyway.
It's fine. No one ever hurt me. I was six, and scared of monsters, but no one hurt me. No one came unless I was crying. Even then... Quiet down. You aren't a baby. I shake my head. Bad thoughts. I was six. I shouldn't have been scared. It was just the shape of the TV on the shelf.
Babysitter walking in when I was changing, saying it's nothing she hasn't seen before. Walking in when I'm on the toilet, saying I obviously didn't really need to go. (I can't go when people watch.. when they can hear. It's embarrassing. Stop staring. I don't need a time limit for a toilet, I need you to get OUT.
The carriage shakes as we stop. I was lost in thought for a long time. I wish I wasn't. I've been thinking... (Typing? Why do I think I've been typing?) about things I'd rather forget. I don't want to remember Before. I hope down, and walk a little ways off the path to Katla's farm. I choke up when I see Blaise.
I know I've only seen the video game version, but still... That's my kid. He's different, freckles where there were none before, skinny. Too skinny. "Child. Mind helping with my horse? She followed me all the way from Whiterun, but somehow still has more energy than I do!" I give a gentle grin.
...
Blaise looks up at the stranger. After so long on his own, Blaise has gotten a good feel for people. He doesn't know what to make of this one, though. Smiling, but Blaise somehow KNOWS they're sad. Normally sad people don't like talking to him, cause they lost a child or spouse. But... It feels...
...
I jump out of my skin when Blaise speaks. "Stranger, why do you look at me like that? Like... Like Ma used to." I let out a strangled laugh.
"I've never wanted children. And... This is a lot to put on your shoulders, but you should know (mostly so he doesn't blame himself on bad days) most days I've never even wanted my own life, let alone responsibility for someone else's. But... I know the stories of many children here in Skyrim, children without homes. And every story makes my heart hurt.
When I'm in pain, I get angry. When I'm scared, I get angry. When I get angry, I cover my ears and shut the world out. I'll never physically lash out. And if I ever verbally lash out, I'll explain why. I'm not the best person, but I'll never intentionally hurt you or anyone else in my care. I'm not very stable, but it's better than living IN a stable." I make a weak joke. "I don't have a place yet. I have a couple in mind that aren't in ideal locations, if it starts to get colder we can use those. But there's one that's pretty perfect.
Don't wait though. If someone offers you a home, with food everyday, where you don't have to fight just to survive."