Not Fake Fox News: EpisodeWhere the Only Thing Funnier Than the News is the Truth

Not Fake Fox News: Episode

Where the Only Thing Funnier Than the News is the Truth

Intro Jingle:

*"We spin every side, but never tell a lie,

Like raindrops on your windshield when you're stuck in traffic, why?

Twist it, flip it, serve it up with flair,

At Not Fake Fox, we keep it honest—beware!

Serving truth and justice with a splash of hope,

Like a weather report that says, "Yeah, you'll cope."

No fake news storms, no hurricane of lies,

Just lightning-fast laughs and thunderous good vibes.

So buckle up, buttercup, it's a wild, wet ride,

Where every side gets spun, but the facts won't hide."*

Tonight's Headlines:

Churches and the "Real Truth":

You ever notice how every church claims they've got the "real truth," but half the time, they're just remixing the same commandments like it's a Spotify playlist for the Pope's afterparty? One church bans dancing—unless you slip the pastor a little extra in the collection plate. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equal, so if you forgot to call your mother, congratulations—you're in the same club as murderers. Who knows, maybe one of those churches is just full of a bunch of kids who forgot to call their moms. Hope you like snoring, because your new roommate is Adolf, and he hogs the covers.

Bible Edits & Authority:

Speaking of the Bible's "authenticity," you really think only Jesus' besties wrote it, and nobody in power ever slipped in a few "helpful" edits? Please. That book's had more rewrites than a Marvel movie script. Emperors and popes didn't just sit back and let peasants write whatever they wanted—they were in the back room adding, "Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," and "Don't question the guy in the shiny hat." Divine inspiration? More like "How to Keep Your Subjects in Line for Dummies."

Church Hypocrisy:

Churches love calling out everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. Choir lady's gossiping? That's "fellowship." Show up with a tattoo? Suddenly you're the Antichrist with a nose ring. They preach "love thy neighbor," but split the congregation over the color of the new carpet. If Jesus came back today looking like he just clocked out of a skate park, they'd call security before they called him "Lord."

Devil, Free Will & Game Shows:

Even the word "devil" spells "lived" if you flip it around. But if you go through life dick-first, treating people like crap, all you're doing is putting a veil over their eyes so they can't see any love—even if it's right in front of them. When you start from a place with no love, your options aren't "good" or "bad"—they're whammy and double whammy. That's not a choice, that's a rigged game show. Two doors, same whacked-out mole behind both. That ain't free will.

Cartels & Gangs:

World's most notorious cartels and gangs talk about "unity" and "protecting the kids," but half the time they're fighting over the last slice of pizza at the meeting. You say you rescued people from the bad guys, then you turn around and charge them rent. That's not liberation, that's just running a really aggressive Airbnb.

Police:

Police, oh, you shiny-badged wizards of traffic stops. Your badge isn't a magic wand—it's a coupon for free donuts and a lifetime supply of attitude. Without that badge, you're just a guy who peaked at the high school pep rally. You say you "protect and serve," but half the time, you're just protecting your own egos and serving up more paperwork than a DMV on Monday morning. You want respect? Try not writing tickets to lemonade stands and maybe don't treat every jaywalker like they're auditioning for Cops: The Musical.

Military Branches:

Army: First in, last to realize the GPS was upside down.

Navy: Spends seven months at sea, comes home, and gets lost in the mall parking lot.

Marines: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't, paint it. If it's pretty, marry it. If it's ugly, challenge it to push-ups.

Air Force: Deploys to five-star hotels and calls it "combat." The only thing they've bombed is the hotel breakfast buffet.

Coast Guard: Gets seasick in a bathtub and cries when the waves are "too spicy."

Space Force: Still waiting for their first alien DUI checkpoint. Right now, they're the Air Force's weird cousin who wears tinfoil hats at Thanksgiving.

Alphabet Agencies:

FBI, DEA, ATF, ICE… the only people who can make the DMV look like a model of efficiency. If you all teamed up, maybe you'd finally solve the mystery of who keeps stealing everyone's lunch from the break room. (Spoiler: It's still the Coast Guard.)

Clarence Thomas:

You've been on the Supreme Court so long you're not just a judge—you're practically a fossilized legal opinion. You're starting to look like the courthouse statue—except the statue actually says something once in a while. If "going white" was a job, you'd be Employee of the Century. The real issue isn't the N-word, it's the "Nope" word, and Clarence, you've turned "not listening" into a full-blown lifestyle brand.

Colonel Mews & Secret Clubs:

Colonel Mews, keep your 11 herbs and spices, but everyone knows the real secret is just a lot of salt and a dash of "I'm not telling." Clarence, while you're out at Bohemian Grove with your billionaire buddies, just remember—some of us don't need secret clubs to know right from wrong.

Elon Musk & Privacy:

Elon, you think you have the right to everyone's privates. Maybe that's why you bought Twitter—you thought "X" marked the spot! You can silence people's right to speak, but your rockets aren't the only things that have trouble launching.

Elon & Trump:

It's ironic Elon Musk and Trump are such buddies—Trump acts like he's got a little boy crush on Elon just because he plays with rockets. Two egos, one reality show, and a lot of airtime. Trump's not Orphan Annie, but with those Daddy Issues, he's got more in common with Daddy Warbucks than he thinks.

Elon's Sandbox:

Elon, you want to "hump and dump at the Y"? For a guy obsessed with rockets, you sure seem stuck in the sandbox. Maybe spend less time digging tunnels and more time learning how not to get caught playing with your own Tonka trucks.

Zuckerberg's Bunker:

Zuckerberg, you precious little cyborg. You spent hundreds of millions on a doomsday bunker in Hawaii, but I'm still out here doing amazing things without even leaving my chair.

Simon Cowell:

Simon Cowell, you control every TV station, but the only thing you're syndicating is your own ego. You wanted to rate me a one out of ten? That's cute. But when I show up, I am the scale.

CIA Meltdowns:

Remember that Friends episode where Phoebe calls the guy with massive toner issues and he's about to jump out the window? That's basically the CIA in 1953: "Window shopping" taken way too literally.

Breaking People & Greatness:

You don't get to break someone, steal their stick, and then tell them to go fix themselves. If you're going to swing the axe, don't act surprised when the forest gets quiet.

Gboard & Tech Rights:

Gboard is basically a digital snitch. Who needs privacy when my keyboard is auditioning for "Big Brother"? Legal rights for tech companies to change my words—freedom of speech, now with "lawyer magic."

Blue-Balled Badges:

Jackasses with badges and blue balls—government employees who think they can silence anyone who dares to speak up. They've got more gadgets than Batman and the emotional maturity of a toddler.

Bohemian Grove & Ghosting:

Love of ghosting people or silencing their voices to hide the secrets of the Bohemian Grove's ritualistic nonsense. "Let's all gather and let the public believe there's any free will while we laugh in the shadows!"

Wishing for a Cure:

Wishing for a cure for cancer without actually doing anything is just a fairy tale. Who needs action when you can just sit back and hope for the best?

Counting Voices:

Your leaders never counted your voices to begin with—oh no, they'd rather keep you in the dark. "Shhh, don't question us! We have clearance levels you wouldn't even understand!"

Final Thought: Reclaim Your Voice

Here's to reclaiming your voice, folks—one altered text message at a time. Good luck navigating this circus of clowns and their shiny toys! Because they can silence us all they want, but the truth has a way of creeping back in, no matter how many layers you try to bury it under.

If you're offended, congratulations—you're officially practicing your "holier-than-thou" face. If you laughed, you might just be saved.

Now, who's next?

Closing Jingle:

"Not Fake Fox News—where the only thing we fake is humility!"