Chapter 1

Rain. Again. Of course. 

Hindi na ko nag-abala magdala ng payong mula sa dorm. Umambon pa lang kanina, tinamaan na agad ang pisngi ko pero di ko na pinansin. Tuloy lang. Bag sa balikat, earphones naka-plug pero walang tunog. Pampaarte lang. O baka para lang walang kumausap sa’kin. 

St. Halcyon Academy looked like a funeral home most days. Pero ngayon? Mas masahol. Basang-basa ang courtyard, parang niyuyurakan ng sapatos ang marmol sa bawat hakbang. Lahat ng estudyanteng dumadaan, parang may papel na ginagampanan: Perfect daughter. Top achiever. Star athlete. Future heir to some crumbling legacy. Lahat sila, parang gawa sa salamin. 

Too clean.

Too perfect. 

Too dead. 

Then there is this boy named Lucien Elias Valez. 

The so-called golden boy. Poster child. Human smile. 

“You’re the only one who makes me laugh like this,” narinig kong sabi niya sa isang babae. Nakasandal pa siya sa hallway pillar. Para lang siyang nasa cover shoot.

Umikot lang ang mga mata ko sa nakikita ko sa harapan ko. Nilagpasan ko na lang siya. Walang stop. Walang tinginan. Walang kahit ano. 

Third girl this week. Paiba-iba lang delivery niya. Pero same script. Same goal. Sino naman kaya bukas? 

I don’t hate him. 

Hindi rin ako galit. 

He’s just…too good at pretending. 

And I’m too good at noticing. 

As always, I sat in the back corner of the classroom. I pulled out my black notebook and started scribbling random words just to keep my hands busy, to feel something.

I noticed Lucian walked in late. Siyempre. As the golden boy, he doesn’t rush. They let the world wait like there is so much time to spare. Hindi na siya sinita ng teacher namin kasi palagi naman siya late, pretty ironic to think na president siya ng disciplinary council pero sarili ‘di niya madisiplina. 

May gumalaw sa tabi ko, a chair scraping against the floor. 

Napatingin na lang kay Lucien nang umupo siya sa tabi ko. 

Bakit siya nandito? Hindi naman siya dito nakaupo dati. Sa dami ng upuan na vacant, dito pa talaga? 

“Hi,” bulong niya. Parang walang ginawa. “This seat taken?” 

Hindi ko siya tiningnan. “It is now.” Sabay balik sa notebook ko. 

Tahimik lang siya buong klase. Or so I thought. Pagsilip ko sa kanya tulog na pala! Sa likod kami nakaupo, kaya hindi naman siya mahuhuli. Sayang! 

 DING! DING! DING!

The bell rang.

Dismissed na rin kami ng teacher namin, and I started packing my things. 

Lucien stretched and yawned. Parang may oras talaga siyang sobra-sobra. 

“You’re new here, no?” tanong niya bigla. 

“Sorry?” Napatigil ako. One brow raised. Gusto ko na sanag umalis. Pero siya? Steady lang. Nakatingin pa rin sa’kin. 

“Transfer ka lang recently di’ ba? How come I’ve never noticed you?” he cocked his head sideways. Innocently asking. 

“Maybe you did. Maybe I just didn’t care enough to look back.” I zipped my bag. Tuloy lang sa pag-ayos. 

Lucien laughed. Low and amused. Parang na-aliw. 

“So cold,” he said. 

“No. Just allergic to theatrics,” sagot ko. 

“I don’t do theatrics,” he smirked, one eyebrow raised as if it sparked up out of amusement. 

“Sure. And I’m Miss Universe.” I said deadpan. 

Gusto ko sampalin sarili ko! Anong connect?

He laughed again, like I just passed his test. 

“You’re sharp. I like that.” That sent shivers down my spine. I felt like he said this to someone else. 

This time, I turned to face him. Expression flat. 

“Don’t,” sabi ko. 

“Don’t what?” he asked, an eyebrow still raised but his smirk was cocky. 

“Don’t like me. I’m not one of your girls in your storyline.” I said in a serious tone. 

I wanna get out of here! 

His smirk faded. Parang hindi siya sanay nasasapawan. 

Then, ngumiti siya ulit. Slow but sure. 

“Okay,” he said. “Then maybe I’ll just keep sitting here ‘til I un-like you.” 

Putangina!

“Then maybe I’ll move seats tomorrow,” sabi ko habang paalis.

“Try me.” I felt his stare. Constant. Unwavering. 

Parang alon. Hindi malakas, pero paulit-ulit. Uubusin ka. 

 Pagkaupo ko sa bench, wala pa ring init ang araw kahit tapos na ang ulang pero malakas ang ihip ng hangin. 

Lazara came over with a drink in hand. “Okay ka lang?” 

“Okay naman,” sagot ko, though we both knew it was a lie. 

She sat beside me. Quiet at first. Then,

“So…” 

I didn’t respond. 

“May nahuli akong chismis,” she teased. “Ikaw at si Lucien, magkatabi?” She wasn’t looking at me; she just stared off into the distance, wind blowing through her raven hair. 

Tumaas naman kilay ko. Ang bilis talaga kumalat ng chismis! “Saan mo naman nahagip ‘yan?” tanong ko sa kanya. 

“May nag-send anonymously sa Facebook freedom wall ng school.” Sagot naman niya. 

I rolled my eyes and sighed. I know where this is going. “Hindi ko siya pinili. Umupo lang siya bigla sa tabi ko.” 

“Tapos hinayaan mong umupo?” Tinaasan niya ko ng kilay. 

“Zara…what was I supposed to do? Nag-start na yung class, and I couldn’t just switch seats sa harapan ng teacher.” Rason ko sa kanya. It was true, though. 

She shrugged. “Curious lang. Noong una kitang nakilala ang hirap mo lapitan pero siya? Nakalapit agad?” And I knew this wasn’t just about me sitting beside Lucien; this was not her point. 

“It’s not like that,” I murmured. 

“Sure, Rue,” she said, sipping her drink. 

“Ang dami niyang sinasabi. Ang gulo niya kausap.” sabi ko. Totoo nga naman!

“Kilala ko ang tipo ni Lucien. Magaling magsalita, pero lalo kang maliligaw pag pinakinggan mo.” she said, as if basing from experience. 

“Kaya nga hindi ko na siya pinansin pa,” I defended. 

“Pero pinakinggan mo pa rin siya.” Sumabat niya sa’kin. 

“What’s your point?” I said, seriously. 

Lazara turned to me with a soft but serious face. “Wala. Gusto lang kitang paalalahanan. Ang mga ganyang lalaki, hindi lang basta dumadaan. Umaapekto. At minsan, hindi mo mararamdaman agad.” 

“I can handle it.” Sabi ko sa kanya. I seriously can. 

“I know you can. Pero sana hindi mo na kailangan.” She said. 

I leaned on her shoulder. “Bakit parang ikaw yung mas pagod?” 

“Kasi minsan, mas nakakapagod yung manood na may nalulunod kaysa yung mismong nalulunod.” she leaned against my head.

Tahimik kami. 

Not awkward. 

Just honest. 

And a little too familiar. 

That night, I told myself hindi ko siya iisipin. 

Lucien Vaalez. Golden boy ng St. Halcyon. Mr. “You’re Different,” kahit ilang beses niya na yatang ginagamit ‘yun. 

I was lying on my dorm bed, staring at the ceiling like it owed me answers. Lazara was sound asleep, lying in her bed, with her earphones in, her mouth slightly open. Peaceful. For once. 

I should’ve been peaceful too. 

Pero andito ako. Gising pa rin. Dahil may isang tanong na ayaw akong tantanan. 

Iniisip ko yung mga sinabi sa’kin ni Lazara kanina. I rolled over. Tried to write it off. Coincidence. Boredom. Curiousity. Ego trip. 

Pero, I couldn’t help but think of the way he looked at me this morning…Like I was the only thing in color in a black-and-white world—tangina! Ruelle, stop!

I closed my eyes. 

And saw his smirk anyway. 

The next day. Bago pa ako makaasok sa classroom, I paused. I saw him inside, aga niya, ha. Nakaupo na sa seat na katabi ko. Again. At dahil may mga ibang estudyante na, and I couldn’t seem to find a vacant seat, I had no choice. 

Why of all days, ngayon pa nawalan ng vacant seat? Parang kahapon lang ang daming bakante. 

Naglakad lang ako diretso. Didn’t say a word. Tinanggal ko ‘yung earphones na wala namang tunog in the first place. 

Pag-upo ko, he turned to me slightly. That same effortless charm on his face. 

“Oh? Akala ko ba lilipat ka?” Pang-aasar niya sa’kin. 

I didn’t look at him; I was busy getting my things out of my bag. “May nakikita ka ba bakanteng upuan?” Sagot ko naman sa kanya. 

I pulled out my pen and tapped it against my notebook like that was the only conversation I wanted to have with. 

“Di ka ba nagsasawa sa sulat nang sulat?” tanong niya. 

“Di ka ba nagsasawa sa panggulo?” tanong ko naman sa kanya pabalik. 

He laughed. “Hindi ko pa nga sinisimulan eh.” 

I turned to him this time. Eyes narrowed. “Can you not?” 

“Can I not what?” He asked as he raised an eyebrow at me. 

“This,” I motioned between us, “whatever you are thinking about this. I don’t want to be a part of your stupid game.” Saad ko. 

Asumera na kung asumera, I don’t want to be involved in any of his tricks. 

He raised both his hands, as if he was surrendering, “Woah, I’m just sitting here.” 

I let out a groan of annoyance.

Tahimik siya saglit. Then leaned back casually. “You’re interesting when you’re annoyed.” 

What the fuck?!

May sira ba ‘to? Nagkamali ba magulang niya sa pagkakagawa sa kanya? 

I bit the inside of my cheek. 

If he wanted a reaction, he wasn’t going to get it from me. Not today. Not ever. 

Or at least, that’s what I told myself. 

Later that day. 

Break time came. I stayed behind sa classroom dahil busy rin naman si Lazara sa sarili niyang classroom. Ayoko ng ingay sa hallway. I was just drawing random shapes in a notebook—mostly just lines that never meet. 

Then someone dropped a folded note on my desk. 

Lucien. 

Hindi siya nagsalit. Umalis na lang at ‘di umimik pa. 

Tinitigan ko ‘yung papel. Dapat itatapon ko siya. Dapat hindi ko bubuksan. 

Pero guess what? Binuksan ko siya. 

“Some people only smile when it’s safe. You don’t. I like that.” 

What the hell does that even mean? 

I crumpled the paper at sinuksok ko iyon sa bag, and walked out. 

After dismissal na sa garden lang ako. The rain just stopped, but the air still smelled like something unfinished. 

Someone walked up beside me. Di ko na kailangang tumingin para malaman kung sino.

“Hi,” Lucien said, ngiting-ngiti ang gago.

“May kailangan ka ba?” tanong ko, eyes on my phone. 

“Wala. Gusto lang kitang makasama nang wala ‘yung buong mundo sa palagid.” Napatingin na lang ako sa kanya na parang baliw ito. 

I scoffed. “You say that to everyone?” 

“No,” he said, quieter this time. “Not like this.” 

Ulol! 

Bigla akong napatingin sa kaniya. May seryoso sa mata niya na hindi ko inaasahan. 

“Like I said, whatever you are planning on, drop it. I know what you’re tactics are.” Sabi ko sa kanya. 

“Oh? Saan mo naman narinig ‘yan?” Tanong niya sakin. Nakakaasar na ngiti sa mukha niya. 

Sobrang asumera naman ng pinapakita ko pero tumatakbo sa isipan ko ang sinabi ni Lazara sa’kin dati tungkol kay Lucien. 

Hindi ko na ‘to sinagot at umalis na lang ako ng garden at pumunta sa ibang lugar na malayo sa kanya. 

Pagbalik ko sa dorm, wala si Lazara. Naka-half-open ‘yung pinto ng shared bathroom, rinig ang tubig mula sa shower. 

I dropped my bag sa sahig. Tinanggal ko agad ‘yung uniform jacket ko, then slumped onto my bed, face down, not even caring if my shoes were still on. 

I wasn’t thinking about him. 

Lucien Elias Valez. 

That smile. 

That note. 

HINDI! 

Hindi ko iniisip ‘yun. 

I reached into my bag to get my phone and accidentally pulled out the crumpled note instead. 

Damn it. 

I stared at it in my hand. Dapat tinapon ko na ‘to kanina. Pero ayan. Nandito pa rin. Parang hinihintay kong basahin ko ulit. 

Which I did. For the third time. 

“Some people only smile when it’s safe. You don’t. I like that.”

I didn’t even know what he meant, but it sounded…true? Like a crack in a wall I didn’t realize was there. 

“Never thought you’d be so sentimental,” sabi ng boses ni Lazara.

Napalingon ako bigla. She was standing by the doorway, towel over her shoulder, basa pa ‘yung buhok at nakabihin ng pajama niya. 

I froze. Crumpling the note immediately. 

“Anong—ito? Wala ‘to!” Sagot ko. 

“Right,” she said, raising a brow. “That’s why you seem so attracted to it?” 

“Laz,” I warned. “Pagod lang ako.” 

She walked over and sat sa edge ng kama ko. “Hindi ako galit, Ruelle. Pero kilala kita. ‘Pag may gusto ka i-deny, lalo kang nananahimik.” And she was right. 

I didn’t respond. I just lay back, one arm covering my eyes. 

Tahimik siya saglit. Then—

“He’s doing it again,” she whispered. 

Napababa ako ng braso. “What do you mean?” 

“Lucien,” she said. “He picks girls like he’s choosing which matchstick to light next. Some girls burn brighter. Some fade fast. Some…don’t even know they’re on fire ‘til it’s too late.” 

I sat up. “Laz, I’m not one of them. I won’t be one of them.” 

“Yet,” she said, worriedly. 

I looked at her, and for a moment, hindi ko na siya nakita as my sharp, no-bullshit best friend. She looked…small. Sad. Tired. 

“Was it like this for you?” tanong ko sa kaniya, mahina. 

“Worse,” she admitted. “Because, unlike you, I thought I could change someone who didn’t want to be saved.”

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. 

So we just sat there. 

Two girls. Same bed. Same silence. 

Before the first period the next day, I was at my desk early. Lazara was at her own classroom dahil magkahiwalay talaga kami ng classroom. 

Then he walked in again. 

Lucien. 

Same confident steps. 

Same stupid calm smile. 

I didn’t look at him. 

But I didn’t stop him either when he sat down beside me. 

“Good morning,” he said, like we were in the middle of something. Not starting it. 

I didn’t answer. Instead, I focused on my pen, doodling random spirals on the corner of my notebook. 

He leaned slightly closer. “Don’t worry. No notes today. I figured one is enough.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Wow. Growth.” 

He laughed again. “You’re the only person in this school who talks to me like I’m not shiny.” 

I turned to him. “Maybe you’re not.” 

He didn’t flinch. “Maybe I’m not.” 

There was something about the way he said it—like he believed it. Or like he was daring me to prove him wrong. 

I looked away first because the teacher finally came into the room. 

But for a second, it didn’t feel like a game anymore.