Breaking point
For Mikael, the days and then weeks went on from there. He kept hard at his studies in magic and was beginning to make some progress with reading and writing. Finally, he was beginning to memorize some of the letters and could even read some simple words and sentences.
Every day he would train his energy control, seeing how long he could keep a Light orb lit. Siegfried would not teach him anything new until he was satisfied with Mikael's skill in energy control.
He worked hard, but he didn't really know how well he was doing. He didn't have anyone to compare his progress to except what compliments Siegfried and the others would give him. How much was the truth and how much was sugarcoating?
He was slowly getting used to the bed, meals and his caretaker Annerose, who was giving him constant attention. It was new for Mikael, but the attention wasn't completely bad, even though it served as fuel for the poison in his ears.
Every morning, Annerose would wake him up, cook food, did the laundry with the other maids, the afternoon studies that were easy to understand thanks to her teaching methods and more. The change fueled his stress in addition to the happiness he had gained at the mansion.
He was now living a life many could only dream of. And because it was such a life, Mikael doubted how worthy he was, and thus resulting in the constant self-deprecation.
Annerose, the maids and Siegfried had noticed this. Mikael's habit to become easily frustrated at himself, his pained smile during conversations and the very uneven and irregular breathing that changed pace very often had come to life during his stay.
Something had to be done. When Mikael had joined the family they had tried to make him feel as comfortable and welcome as possible, but that seemed to have failed, or at least only have had half the intended effect. Then what should they do?
None of them had ever raised a child before. The main responsibility fell to Siegfried and Annerose since they were with Mikael the most. The family orientation was that Siegfried and Annerose was the parents, and Alice and Marianne were the aunts.
One way they tried to soothe Mikael was doing things that were "fun". That was the intention but it didn't work as well either, contributing to Mikael's stress and nervousness. Going fishing, story books and board games were some of the things they thought would help a little. The new happiness made him scared of losing it all. Of not meeting expectations and then being thrown aside.
All the negative emotions were constantly gnawing at him. Now that he had tasted something better, he never wanted to go back to his old life or an even worse one, clinging as hard as he could, trying his best. Having a need to exceed his best in order to continue this life, even though he did not feel deserving of it and even though it hurt so much to keep up the act.
...
From Annerose's point of view, Mikael was a hardworking boy who had lived a hard life on the streets up until now. She had no idea what he had gone through, though she could only imagine. She wanted to help Mikael become happier and cared for him as how a mother would care for her son. Making sure he got fed proper food, that he was healthy, doing fun activities with him and hoping that Mikael would grow to enjoy his life here with her, Siegfried and the rest of the family.
But Annerose noticed that Mikael seemed more and more troubled as time went by. While she was his caretaker, she did not have any previous experience before Mikael so she was unsure of herself. Maybe she was the reason for Mikael's growing unease?
She tried to fix it by doing fun activities, telling him that she was there for him and giving him attention to make him see that he was wanted. But Mikael grew worse no matter what she did. What would help? she thought again and again, but nobody in the family could come up with a solution that succeeded.
Mikael had in fact gotten great at using magic for someone who just started out, advancing at a great pace. Something that would take weeks for most, took him a few days. But Mikael had no knowledge of others, only himself and how incredible Siegfried was, leading to his increasing stress and deteriorating mental state.
Now that so much time had passed and so many attempts had failed, Annerose decided that it was time to talk to Mikael about it. They had started out with avoiding the subject, but now it couldn't be avoided any longer.
...
It was Thursday, Siegfried was out as he often was, traveling someplace or other and Annerose woke up at seven thirty in the morning, preparing for the day together with Alice and Marianne. Doing the laundry and drying it with Wind magic, and while the other two were preparing the breakfast, she woke Mikael up at eight and helped him get ready for the day.
After the breakfast prepared by Alice and Marianne, Mikael would first practice energy control with a Light orb. He had gotten quite better at it. Before it only lasted only tens of seconds now could last multiple minutes depending on the brightness and other factors.
At his pace, Mikael would be a master in Light magic and be flawless at manipulating magic energy at the age of eighteen. Normally, most mages begin training when they are six or seven and then many would reach a certain mastery of one type of magic at sixteen. Only then able to be recognized as a mage and not just an apprentice.
In addition to Mikael's fast learning pace, he also had the Angel blood within him, granting his special crimson eyes that could accurately "see" magical energy in people as opposed to most mages who could only guesstimate based on feeling the magical energy. He could also track others and sense the energy through walls and other hinderances.
His regenerative ability was also something very few possessed. Though for now, his regeneration was relatively slow but still far faster than ordinary people and mages.
After practicing his magic and a small lunch, it was time for the studying with Annerose. This time, Mikael was also tormenting himself for the pace he is going at. Placing unreasonable expectations upon himself and beating himself up about it when he can't exceed those impossible goals.
His tendency to get frustrated at himself was most prominent during Annerose's reading and writing lessons. As he wrote down the letters and words, his eyes were intensely focused on the paper. Within those crimson eyes were also anger and fear while trying his best to succeed.
Annerose worriedly watched him. Today it was even worse then yesterday. The breathing, the bloodshot eyes and the aggressive writing only nourished Annerose's worry. She had to bring it up. Now or never. If not, then Mikael would become even wor-
"skrrscht"
"Crack"
"Uuugh..."
Mikael had gotten something wrong, then quickly and angrily drew his pen over his mistake before cracking the pen in his anger and groaning at his own inadequacy. His palms pressing against his closed eyes, ready to cry at how much this was mentally depleting him.
Annerose was also quite surprised by the action. He was showing his dissatisfaction more openly than ever before. It was like he had forgotten she was there beside him. Like he was the only person in the entire world at that moment. Nothing else mattered, only his simple mistake, only that HE had made a mistake, something that he didn't want to happen more than anything.
Mistakes would lead to abandonment. That was something Mikael was convinced of. He couldn't believe in the others' kind words, and he couldn't believe in himself and his own sight that detected no lie in them.
All his life, people had been lying and deceiving. It was as natural as breathing for many residents of Caelbrim, his hometown. Those that weren't well off had to resort to many tactics to survive and many that were more well off also resorted to things such as child labor, basically enslavement and more to thicken their pockets as much as they could.
What should he do?
What what what what what what WHAT, should HE do to survive now in this moment, in this situation, in this mansion and this family?
Work harder. He had to work harder. He was too relaxed, too lazy, too disgusting, too disappointing to Siegfried and the others. Work harder, work harder, work harder. That is what he had to do. If he didn't, he would die, simple as that. An objective truth, yes, the only truth that existed in this world.
He was weak. He had to work harder than anybody had ever done. Should he grow tired - deal with it. Should his arms fall off - deal with it. Should he go blind - deal with it. Should he collapse - deal with it. Become sick - deal with it. Depressed - Deal with it! Deal with it! Deal with it!! Deal! With-
"Mikael... We need to talk..."
Ripped back into reality, he froze as Annerose spoke those words in a soft, gentle and caring tone. His mental ramblings had stopped and he had woken up thanks to her. And as he woke up, he realized his new mistakes. He had slipped. He had showed her his rude behavior. Behavior unfit of someone in his position.
Fear was rapidly spreading inside of Mikael. The mask had slipped, fallen and cracked. Annerose had seen his disgusting self. Now he would most likely be cast out once again. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to see. It was hard to live in that moment. The fear rose and rose and rose, and pain was spreading with it.
His heart, his lungs, arms, legs, eyes, head, his whole body hurt from the fear and was drenched in an ice-cold sweat. Straining with all his might against it, he tried to listen and awaited the next words. The words that would sentence him to his doom.
...
...
...
The anticipation was suffocating. Just spit it OUT already! Say it! Just, please, just say it and be over with it. And with that inner plea, words were spoken.
"I-we, have noticed that you, seem... frustrated with yourself... You seem to agonize and bully yourself over your learning progress."
True. His progress was pathetic. It was disappointing. He should just roll over and die already, right? The world would be a better place without him.
Eyes downcast, he awaited the continuation.
"W-we are trying to cheer you up... but, none of us have ever raised a child before... We're concerned for you, Mikael. You've convinced yourself that you're worthless, and you're actively working yourself to death."
"..."
"But, your learning pace in amazing! Especially in magic. You're doing great."
What? That cannot be. You're lazy, a disappointment, a failure, the poison whispers. Don't listen to HER! She's lying. Has to be. You should just die. Die right now, okay? DIE! You piece of shit. They'll cast you aside either way, so just die! D-
"What's going on, Mikael. Please tell me..."
Annerose had knelt down beside him and placed a hand on his leg in a sign of genuine, uncorrupted concern. Hesitantly, Mikael slowly moved his line of sight towards her. And when their eyes met, he saw all the kind emotions in Annerose's turquoise eyes, filling him with warmth in his ice-cold body.
Annerose spoke with such gentleness and kindness that a large chunk of the fear in Mikael dissipated. Hesitantly, Mikael began to speak, his breath shaking and his voice trembling.
"... I... am, afraid..."
He said it. He had confirmed what he already knew but didn't want to acknowledge. That he was an afraid thirteen year old boy.
"Afraid of what?"
"Of not being, good enough... Of not meeting your and Siegfried's expectations..."
She listened. Without interrupting, she let Mikael's emotions flow out. He was getting more and more on the verge of tears with each sentence.
"I try, and try and I can't learn fast enough. I'm not good enough. I'm afraid of being abandoned or worse."
His doubt and fear had been orally spoken and its existence acknowledged. Emotions, unrestricted, and all that remained was for Annerose to answer those emotions. Responding to them, she began speaking in her normal gentle way, though it held a slight tremble.
"That's not true at all. Not true at all... You are good enough. Just as I said before. And just as Siegfried has said, we think that you are exceptional. We won't abandon you Mikael, I won-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP! How can I truly believe whatever bullshit you tell me!?"
With swift movement, Mikael stood up from his chair, slapped Annerose's hand away and distanced himself from her. His eyes were boiling with all the pent up stress and rage. Erupting in his verbal outburst.
Annerose was shocked and could do nothing but kneel there in silence as Mikael continued his raging ramble. He stood there on the verge of tears as he continued.
"You say I'm good enough and that you won't abandon me!? How can I truly believe you!? This life is wonderful but I just can't truly settle in! I try my best practicing magic and reading, but is it good enough!?"
"..."
"I feel weird when I'm together with you guys. I, I feel happy... It confuses me, and so does your attitude! You give me so much attention and kindness that it confuses me. I don't want to lose this life. That's why I work so hard!"
Around him, a aura of bright light formed. Pure blinding white, like looking at the sun. In addition to the light, there was also heat and the room's temperature began to steadily increase with each passing moment.
And this heat was actively burning Mikael. His skin sizzled, bubbled and smelled funny. The magical energy output was way higher than what he should be able to control within his body. Annerose realized this while blinded and reached the conclusion.
He was taking the magical energy in the air into himself and expending it in the form of light and heat. Something only highly skilled mages were able to do. What caused it? The strong emotions? His innate talent? Whatever it was it would kill him. She had to do something or else he would end up self-destruct.
Annerose planted her feet firmly, raised her arms before her, her left before her right with open palms, ready to use magic. The stance was similar to those of martial arts, particularly a defensive one with focus on counters.
Ready to act, Annerose prepared Water and Ice magic to cool Mikael down. Creating a wave of ice-cold water and sending it forth with a thrust of her palm-
However, before she used her magic, she paused and hesitated, stunned. Mikael who was about to burn into a crisp the moment before was now in a completely healthy state. The heat did continue to burn him, but he regenerated before it did any real damage to his body.
The heat died down and the light dissipated. Mikael seemed to have calmed down and was no longer a danger to himself. Annerose also stopped her magic, dissipating it into small blue particles that soon vanished.
The crisis was over and having calmed down Mikael promptly resumed the conversation. Paying no intention to what had just happened.
"I have to work hard to justify my existence here, and prove that I have the right to be happy. How can I do that? I've been trying so much that it hurts. Eating away at my soul. How can I earn the right to be happy...?"
Dead silence. The stress and negative feelings that had built up inside Mikael had reached its breaking point. Tears that he had tried so hard to hold back trickled down his face. His throat sore and hurting from the earlier eruption of emotions.
He breathed with difficulty, trying to catch his breath with many rapid gasps. Exhausted both physically and mentally from his rant. He felt a little better after conveying what was troubling him, but was still so tired that he felt as if he could collapse and die on the spot from the major strain.
!?
When Mikael looked up at Annerose, she was on the verge of tears. Mikael's angry rant had really shaken her and she looked to be maybe in a worse state than Mikael himself at a first glance. Her eyes full of sorrow and grief.
She also couldn't hold back the tears and just let them flow.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry that that's how you feel. I'm sorry that we, I wasn't good enough, to properly help you..."
"..."
"But you are good enough. You don't have to doubt yourself. Me, Siegfried, Alice and Marianne all think you are good enough. You deserve to be happy just as much as anybody else. Don't doubt your worth. It doesn't suit you."
The pain inside Mikael was easing. The poison becoming weaker. And a warmth of happiness began filling him.
"And even though me, Alice and Marianne aren't biologically related to Siegfried, we are all a part of his family, and so are you, Mikael. You are wanted, and we will never abandon you."
With the true kindness and sincerity that was being shown by Annerose, the fears, doubts and harsh self-deprecation Mikael had of himself started to truly crumble away. The poison's very existence being destroyed, never to come to life again.
Unable to hold back his tears of both sadness and joy, Mikael's tear begin flowing down once more, letting out whimpers and cries. He was still a child, and a very troubled one at that.
With this crying child in front of her, Annerose embraced Mikael, radiating love and warmth while also felling tears of her own. If Siegfried's role was to be a type of father, then Annerose was definitely the loving mother.
"It's okay to cry. We're here for you. I am here for you. You have a home here and you have nothing to fear from us."
With this exchange, Mikael's terrible mental state had begun to heal and his life in the mansion with Siegfried, Annerose and the others could now truly begin.