chapter 14: Survivor's Guilt

Chapter 14: Survivor's Guilt

The faint ever-present humming behind the walls of the Hold filled the drowning silence in the study as Arbus and Bastain simply gazed at each other for a long while.

After several moments of this, Bastain rose to his feet and walked out slowly from behind his opulent dark-wood desk – before striding over to Arbus.

He stopped right in front of him as he studied him intently for a few moments.

An unreadable expression crossed his face.

Then, his lips spread into a smile, as he placed a hand on Arbus's shoulder.

"I'm happy to see you again, kid. I truly, truly am."

Arbus stared at Bastian's slender hand on his shoulder for a moment, then turned to face him.

His lips tugged into a faint smirk.

"I'm not sure if i share the same sentiment."

Bastian's smile widened slightly at that as he let out a laugh.

"Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting that."

He withdrew his hand from Arbus's shoulder as he strode back to his desk and took a seat.

Then he gestured for Arbus to take one of the many seats in the study.

"So tell me honestly, how have you been." He said, deciding to start with something simple.

Arbus calmly walked over to one of the seats and settled into it.

Then he glanced over at the Sentinel of the entire star system with a blank expression etched on his face.

"Terrible."

Bastian let out a faint sigh as he leaned back in his chair.

"I suppose i was somewhat expecting that, as well."

He paused for a few moments, then said softly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Arbus's emerald eyes met the ground as a string of emotions began to rise up in his chest.

His meeting with Bastian all those years ago was still fresh in his mind.

That meeting had been what set the trajectory of his life.

It was the reason he'd decided to join the Renegades – no matter how much time it took him.

The reason he had pushed on and never given up, despite his master's gruelling and harrowing training routines.

And the reason why he didn't let himself drown in his own endless hatred and despair.

Arbus gritted his teeth, then muttered softly.

"It's not really that important, in the grand scheme of things."

"Everything I'd expected to happen, happened."

"The hateful glances, the Ostracization , the constant bullying – and even assassination attempts I'd thought wouldn't happen." He said with a dry chuckle.

"Truly, my year of being a Renegade has really been something else, far beyond my expectations!"

Arbus snorted.

"It even made me miss that crazy master of mine and the moon I'd sworn never to return to."

He paused for a bit, then continued.

"If I'm being honest, there were even times I blamed you for everything, despite how irrational that was."

He clenched his fists slightly.

"I wasn't sure how much more I could take."

Bastian studied Arbus for several moments with an intense expression on his face.

Eventually, he let out a sigh as his gaze wandered.

"It's truly unfortunate that even now, we still can't look past something as inconsequential as how others were born – or who birthed them."

"It's quite infuriating."

"...I'm sorry Arbus, I truly am. I'd tried to minimise just how much prejudice you'd have to endure by sending you to a station with a small percentage of Renegades, and a committed commander I could trust to keep others in check."

Arbus's expression fell at the mention of Commander Mitz.

The memories of Terytl-B came Flooding back to him like a tsunami.

His stomach churned as he thought of all the lives lost in less than a day.

He remembered the settlements and cities he visited from time to time on various missions – while he wore a standard helmet to hide his appearance.

The obnoxiously cheerful expressions on the younglings faces as they played games he didn't recognise.

The joyful atmosphere and music he had always found overbearing at times.

The laughs.

He remembered the endless laughter that filled the air every single day.

Bastain frowned deeply as he realised what Arbus was doing.

"That's enough!" He shouted, his voice filled with enough raw power to shake the room slightly.

Arbus glanced up in shock.

The Sentinel's browned furrowed as he continued.

"You're trying to blame yourself for it again, aren't you?"

"You want to think it's all your fault, just like last time. Didn't I tell you to stop doing that the last time we met."

"Tell me, what do you possibly think you could have done differently!?" He questioned loudly.

"Even now I'm finding it hard to believe you managed to kill a Reincarnator as dangerous as him, despite the circumstances it was under."

"You have to understand that what you accomplished was an impossible feat for 70% of Renegades across the entire universe. That's every single Renegade in the universe without a Heart-shard, and those stage 3 and below who haven't been granted the rank of a commander."

"You said it yourself in your reports. Ronin had already massacred the planet before he even appeared in front of you."

"Even a powerful commander like Mitz didn't notice the tragedy until it was far too late."

"What could a simple sentry like you have possibly done?"

Arbus glanced down again, his fists trembling slightly at his sides.

"I-i don't know."

"I... I was there. I was there with them. I washed my comrades get slaughtered."

"Maybe if they'd known about my powers, we could have come up with a plan to save everyon-"

"Nothing." Bastian interrupted.

"That is the answer to my question." Bastian added sternly.

"There was nothing else you could have done."

He paused for a brief moment, then continued.

"Just like there was nothing else you could have done six years ago."

"So stop beating yourself up about it."

"Just let yourself mourn."

"That is all we can do."

"At least, for now."