Chapter 44. King of My Heart.

"Is this the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending. With all these nights we're spending."

The funny thing about life is no matter how good it's going, you'll always be reminded of what's looming in the dark. The minute we stepped off of the yacht it felt like the world had gone silent. I looked back at the boat, the lights still glistened as we walked away but all I could hear was my pulse ringing through the silence. Reminding me exactly what I had to do next. Nothing says "fairytale is over" like needing Plan B before the clock strikes midnight.

I watched the time closely as we made it back to the house. The pharmacy closes at 10pm, it's currently 8:20pm. But we still had to settle back into the house and figure out if the night was going to continue. I was dreading every single minute that passed as everyone tried agreeing on what to do next. 

Our saving grace was the fact that Jacob anticipated a 'yes' from Allie so he had pre-booked them a night at one of the luxury hotels, obviously and rightfully wanting privacy. He wanted to make the most of the celebration so they had to rush in order to make it to their dinner reservations. We watched as they loaded in the car, and waved as they drove away. I took a peek at my phone, the time was now 8:40pm. I glanced over at Justin who was also closely watching the time. He gave me a tight nod, letting me know he was aware of it. 

As we made it back in the house, I noticed a few people started yawning so I took advantage of that. I started stretching wide but yawning wider, mentioning the fact that I hadn't only slept a few hours. Erik caught on first, walking over to me. Wrapping his arms around me into a warm hug. 

He leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Get some rest, I can't wait to see you in the morning." He gave me a soft kiss on my forehead before he headed back to their place. I didn't even have time to feel guilty about his final words to me. 

Nancy and Hannah followed shortly after, Hunter went with them, claiming they were still going to party. But the rest of us in our house were ready for bed. And I thanked the universe for finally throwing me a bone. 

I checked my phone again, it was 8:47pm and we had to leave sooner rather than later. I ran upstairs quickly to drop my stuff off and to put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. My phone buzzed and Justin's name popped up on my screen. 

Justin: "already in the yellow Jeep, Marshall and Dani think I'm going for a food run so we'll have to pick something up on the way back. 

August: "heading downstairs now." 

I slipped my converse on, grabbed my bag and bolted out my bedroom door, running down the stairs with the same urgency. I quietly walked out of the front door and ran to the Jeep. Justin already had the engine roaring by the time I jumped into the passenger seat. I texted Mallory in case she walked into my room looking for me. 

Auggie: "went on a food run with Justin, let me know if you want anything?" 

Mals: "I'm okay, I'll probably have some cereal or fruit. Not really hungry."

I looked out the window as Justin pulled us out of the driveway. I was hoping he wouldn't try to make small talk, I was anxious enough since it was 9pm, we were cutting the timing so close. Neither of us said anything for about the first five minutes of the ride, but I could tell he had something on the tip of his tongue.

The air in the jeep felt like it was depleting, so I decided to roll the windows down letting the ocean breeze fill the space between us. Justin was tapping the edge of the steering wheel to the rhythm of the music. So calm, so casual like we weren't going on a very important pharmacy trip. 

He glanced over at me for a second And this time I knew he was going to talk. "You know," he began. "This is also my first time going through this. I've never… finished in anyone before."

I narrowed my eyes at him, not truly believing that this was his first time. "Seriously?"

He shrugged. "Yeah. 

I was still in disbelief. "What, like ever?" 

"Ever ever." He paused for a second. "Which makes this even dumber." 

I let out a humorless laugh, still unable to grasp what he just told me. "I'm soooo honored. I finally get to be your first at something. Not sure how I feel about the fact that it was my uterus but your first nonetheless." I laughed a little louder this time, feeling less tense, my shoulders relaxed enough. 

"But the choking thing, not your first time huh?" I looked over at him to see his reaction. 

And his classic smirk finally appeared as he slowly nodded. "Now the choking thing… yeah that was not my first time."

I leaned my head back against the seat, letting the night air hit my face, I exhaled slowly. "God this is a mess." 

Justin stayed quiet for a second. "But you're not alone in it."

I looked over at him, I wasn't expecting that. And I hated how it made my throat catch. Instantly he started backpedaling. "I mean. Like. I'm not gonna just leave you to figure it out solo." 

I rolled my eyes and let out a sharp laugh. "Thanks, but I'm still making you pay for the snacks."

He laughed and something between us eased as we pulled into the parking lot of a Long Drugs pharmacy. We hopped out of the jeep and walked in quietly. I glanced over at him, his smirk still in full display as we took the dreaded walk of shame to the "family planning" aisle. My chest tightened as we turned the corner and I began seeing the rows of condoms and lubricants. 

Until finally we stumbled upon our current holy grail. Which of course was locked behind the plastic jail cells. Justin rang the little button at the top and we patiently and awkwardly waited for someone to come and unlock what we desperately needed. 

"Don't even think about it, Justin." I joked as he gestured toward the big bottle of KY jelly next to one of the sad little vibrators.

"You're right we definitely don't need it. You're like a slip n slide," his laugh echoed through the quiet aisle, like he hadn't just compared me to a children's water toy in front of a wall of condoms.

"Ewww!!" I rolled my eyes, but then I remembered the offhanded comment he said about me to Allie and Jacob. "Well you do it for me but I know I do it for you. Since I am the star of your wet dreams," I nudged him lightly and he looked shocked that I knew what he said that about me. 

"Allie or Jacob?" He asked. 

I gave him a slow, smug shrug. "I'll never tell."

Finally a store attendant answered the call. Justin stood in front of me and without saying anything he just pointed to the box of Plan B. She handed it to him, gave us both a polite smile and walked away, like this interaction never happened. I could feel the heat rush to my face. It felt like we were announcing to the world exactly the mistake we made this morning. And there was nowhere to hide from it. 

I stood silently staring down the aisle but not moving. Justin could sense my discomfort and he lightly put his hand on the small of my back, giving me the slightest push to get me to walk. We made our way through the aisle and down the refrigerator section. He grabbed a water bottle and then we walked over to the snacks. Each of us grabbed a bag of chips of our choice and a few other snacks until ultimately we walked over to the cash registers. 

Justin set the stuff down and as I went to grab my card he pushed my hand down. "I got it. I have cash." He whispered. 

And I guess the last thing I needed was a bank statement reminder of our actions. The cashier began ringing our stuff up one by one. And as each item scanned I could feel my heart race until finally he scanned the plan b. His eyes flicked to Justin first, then me and this was the awkwardness I was dreading. Justin paid and out the door we went, still no other words were exchanged. 

I hopped back into the passenger side, my nerves were at an all time high. Justin got in the driver's side, but instantly, he was watching me too intently. Like he was making sure I'd actually take the pill.

 I put the box in my bag and clicked my seatbelt on. I wanted to take it in the privacy of my own bathroom, not the parking lot of a Longs Drugs pharmacy. 

But Justin had other plans. "I was hoping you'd take it now so we could throw the receipt and the trash away." 

Damn it. He's right. Why didn't I think of that? I unlocked my seatbelt and reached for my bag. When I pulled the box back out, it felt way more intimidating than I expected. This felt like such a grown up move, it almost scared me. Adult choices, adult consequences. I stared at it for a beat longer, reading the instructions until Justin's hand reached for the box. 

"Here, let me help." He carefully opened the box and pulled out the silver packet containing one singular white pill. The pill that held the answers to our current prayers.

 He handed it over to me, I could feel my pulse rising as I tore the foil that released the pill. Justin already had the water bottle opened for me. I placed it on my tongue and took a big gulp of water. I could feel the pill go down as it scraped the sides of my throat. I let out a sigh so deep it could've cracked my spine. I could finally breathe.

I took another sip of water, realizing how dry my mouth felt, and Justin grabbed the trash as well as the receipt and got out of the car. He walked back over to the front of the store to dispose of the evidence in the nearest trash can. And finally this weight that had been pressing so hard on my chest, was lifted. 

He sat back in the driver's seat and the engine roared as he turned the Jeep on. The air no longer felt thick with tension, at least not for me. But when I looked over at Justin, I could tell he was still out of it. After spending all this time with him, I knew what buttons I could push or at least what made him talk. 

"So uh are we able to mark that off the sex list?" My chuckle came out lower than expected, like it didn't want to come out at all. 

His eyes flickered to me and his eyebrows pinched close together. He wasn't amused. "I never want to experience that ever again. Consider it burnt off the list." He finally let out a small snarky laugh. "But you're okay though?" His hand extended over to me and landed on my thigh, he gently grazed it before bringing it back to the steering wheel. 

The warmth from his hand was always comforting, and I could truthfully say I was okay. "I mean I never want to go through that again but yeah, I'm okay. Are you?" I held my gaze on him, watching his reaction as I asked how he was doing. We both knew I was panicking but this entire time he hadn't said much. 

"I think I'm okay. I don't know, it's just weird I guess. I've been responsible up until…now and eh just another life lesson." He shrugged and played it off, but he kept his eyes glued to the road. "So what do you want to eat? Is there anything even open at this hour?" 

And just like that he veered the conversation away from the heavy stuff he always avoids. But for once I was grateful for it. "There's very few places still open but if we go further up I know this really good food truck. It's Mexican Hawaiian fusion. It's to die for." 

"Oh to die for huh? Yeah, let's go there. Call Dani and see what they want. I promised food in exchange for no questioning." An easy smile appeared on his lips as I pulled out my phone to make a quick call. 

We grabbed the food and began the drive back to the house, the scent of carne asada and grilled pineapple filling the Jeep.

The ride was mostly quiet, save for the rustle of takeout bags and the occasional street light casting shadows across Justin's face. We'd talk here and there, but it was clear we were both treading lightly. The worst part was over—for now.

When we pulled up to the house, Marshall and Dani were sitting at the kitchen table, already sipping wine and eager to try all of my recommendations. And as much as I wanted to sit, chat, and pretend everything felt normal, I just didn't have it in me. I handed them their food and quietly started toward the back door.

The crashing waves sounded like the perfect dinner companion. Except Justin noticed and asked to join me.

I should've said no. But these were the last days we'd be spending together before reality kicked back in, and maybe part of me didn't want to be alone. So despite my best judgement, I said yes.

We grabbed a couple of blankets, a bottle of wine, and our food, then made our way down to the beach. The world had quieted, except for the sound of the ocean folding in and out like breath.

We laid out the blanket and settled onto it. For a while, we didn't talk, we were too busy digging into our oversized burritos.

"Oh man, who would've thought a spam burrito would be the greatest thing to ever exist," Justin laughed, pouring more salsa over his food like it was the key to eternal happiness.

"I told you this place was to die for!" I said through a grin, taking another bite of my own burrito. "Here, try mine—it's the one with carne asada, kalua pork, fries and pineapple."

I handed it over, and he didn't hesitate. He took a good-sized bite, and the moment his mouth closed around it, a smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

"I should've listened to you," he said mid-chew, voice muffled and happy. "Yours is ten times better."

I laughed as I grabbed it back, savoring another bite like it was the last meal I'd ever get. "It's the one place I miss the most. Seattle's food scene is great, but nothing compares to this."

He nodded in agreement, still focused on his burrito, and we slipped into a comfortable quiet again. The kind that only comes when the food is good, the company's better, and your heart's been carrying too much.

For the first time today, I felt at ease. And now… now I was grateful he'd joined me.

Once we finished our food, Justin opened the bottle of wine. But we both laughed when we realized neither of us had brought cups or glasses. So we did what we always did, passed the bottle back and forth between breaths. 

I scooted a little closer to him, brushing my trash aside. Watching his face under the moonlight reminded me how close we were to the end and how much I'd miss this version of us. The one where we could share a bottle of wine, laugh at nothing, and be perfectly at peace.

But peace never lasts. Not with Justin.

"So what's the final verdict? Are you moving in with lover boy?" His laugh was as sharp as his words.

My eyes rolled so hard I genuinely worried I'd sprained something. "Yes, I'm moving in with him. But it's temporary," I said, clear and flat.

"Define temporary. Like… one month that turns into a year that turns into forever? Or do you actually have a plan?" His tone was biting, but his expression was open, curious, maybe even a little worried.

"I'm giving it three months. I just need to save up for first and last month's rent, and find a place where I won't need pepper spray to walk to my front door." I laughed as I dusted my hands off and reached for the wine.

He took the bottle when I passed it, sighing as he tilted it back and took a long sip. "That's a good plan." He nodded, but his voice was quieter now. "So… are you leaving the Tacoma office?"

"What's with the twenty questions?" I turned to face him, raising a brow as I chewed the inside of my cheek.

"I'm just wondering what your plans are. I do care about you, August." He shrugged and tilted his head slightly. I caught the hitch in his breath. "I just don't want you to rush into something you're not ready for. What if you change your whole life for someone and it doesn't work out? Doesn't that scare you?"

It should've been a fair question. Maybe it was. But all I heard was him not wanting me to move in with Erik.

"Of course it scares me," I said, "but I spent the first twenty-one years of my life scared, and I still lost everything. So if I move in with him and it doesn't work out? Yeah, that'll suck. But if it does work out… then I've got everything to gain." I took a deep breath and looked out toward the waves. "I'm done living in fear. Done living in disappointment. I'm just… done."

"You have white picket fence dreams, August," he whispered but I could tell he was over this conversation. "I just don't want you to get hurt trying to achieve them." 

I rolled my eyes once more, I was just as over it as he was. But it was my turn to pry. "So you and Hannah? Still on the outs?" I glanced over at him as he took another drink from the bottle. 

"We worked it out. I understand why she was upset with me in the first place. And she apologized for pushing me to tell her about my childhood. But. When we get back we are going to figure out where we go from here. She just wants and expects too much and I'm just not ready to give her that." 

"Why?" I challenged him. 

"It's complicated. I mean you already know I don't want or do commitment but then," he took a deep breath, before taking another sip. "I think about the future and not having anyone to share that with… that's a sad life. I want to be open with her, I want to give her everything she deserves but maybe I'm the one who's not good enough." He sighed, and I could tell by his expression that his own words hurt him. My chest tightened. I hated that he believed that.

"You seriously sell yourself short. It's wild. You've been dealt the shitty's cards and somehow you still managed to make something out of yourself. It could've been so easy to go through life with a 'boo hoo my dad was awful' complex. But you didn't let that define you." I watched as his expression lightened just a touch. I meant every word I said and he definitely felt that. 

"Yeah, yeah." He tried hard to hide his smile but it didn't work, it was beaming under the moonlight. "I like Hannah and I'd like to think that maybe it would work out but who knows. We'll see when we get back." His smile faltered a bit. 

We sat quietly for a moment, he handed me the bottle back and I took a long swig. Justin let out a long breath, the kind that sounded like he'd been holding it for hours.

"You know," he said, "I actually think I'm gonna miss you."

I looked over, surprised by how easily the words fell out of his mouth.

He laughed and held his hands up. "Not like that. I mean… like this. Us. Our long late nights. Always drinking wine out of the bottle like cups don't exist." 

His gaze dropped to the sand. "We made a weirdly good team, didn't we?"

"Best in show," I teased. But there was a knot in my throat. I took a sip of wine to keep it from tightening.

"I'm just saying…" he trailed off, then smirked. "You're probably the best fake friend-with-benefits I've ever had."

"That's a competitive category?"

"Extremely." He nudged my foot with his foot, playful again. But there was something under it, a softness, a sadness he didn't want me to see.

"I'll miss you too," I said quietly. "Our weird little..."

"Friendship. With…bonus features."

"Deluxe edition," I whispered.

He let out a sharp laugh, "yeah deluxe edition is one way to put it. No but I'll miss that too." 

I started drawing circles in the sand, trying to avoid his gaze because he would be able to see how surprisingly sad I was. "Think we'll still be friends when we get back?" I asked, though I don't know why. I felt like a middle school girl talking to her summer school crush. 

I sat quietly digging my hands in the sand, letting the grains slip through my fingers and I waited for his response. 

"Friends? Yes. Deluxe edition? Don't think your boyfriend will appreciate that." He laughed again and I tossed sand at him causing him to laugh louder. 

"Shut up! He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend so as far as I know I am single. But I don't know what's going to be weirder, living together and still dating. Or living together as an official couple but in separate rooms?" I finally looked over at Justin, he looked like he was truly considering the question. 

"It's weird no matter what. But that's just 'cause you're a weirdo. Nothing to do with your situation." His smirk appeared as he turned to look at me. 

"Yeah a weirdo you still want to fuck." I said as I pushed him hard enough for him to topple over, his laugh coming out effortlessly. 

He sat himself back up but scooted closer to me, closing the previous gap we had between us. I felt his hand slip to the small of my back and around my waist. He tugged me enough to pull me closer, I rested my head on his shoulder. 

"Yeah, a weirdo I'd still want to fuck," he whispered and I could feel his shoulders move up and down from his low laugh. 

He shifted a little, just enough that his cheek brushed the top of my head. I thought maybe he'd let the moment fade, but then—

"I'm gonna miss how you do that thing where you over-explain everything like you're defending a thesis, even if it's just about your coffee order."

I laughed into his shoulder. "It's important to justify a five-dollar upcharge. It's just the lawyer in me to defend my choices."

He grinned. "Sure. And I'll miss the way you hoard all the throw blankets like a gremlin. Like, do you need six? Are you nesting?"

"I have a system," I muttered, but I was smiling too hard to argue.

"So, what'll you miss about me? Huh?" He raised an eyebrow, full smirk. 

I rolled my eyes, but it was already spilling out. "I'll miss how you could always catch on when I'm spiraling and you don't say anything, you just let me exist in the spiral. Like you saw how messed up I was on the plane because of my mom and you didn't try to right it. You just got us drinks and sat with me until I was okay. Yeah…I'll miss that most," my voice faltered for a second, I felt his grip tighten around me. "I worry I'll be too much for Erik sometimes."

He didn't laugh at that. His fingers tapped gently around my waist, thoughtful. "Yeah, he has a lot of learning to do. You're a firecracker and I just got the friendship deluxe edition." He shrugged. "I mean, sure, he gets the girlfriend package, but I got the uncensored, no-strings, deeply chaotic version. Truth is, I don't think he knows what he's in for."

I shifted over to look at him, my eyebrows pinched close together. That was a concern of mine, that Erik wouldn't know what to do if I'm spiraling. He wouldn't know how to bring me down from panicking. He wouldn't know the little things that help or hurt. But in the end that was my fault. I created this perfect image of myself to him but maybe it's because he met who I used to be. 

Justin noticed my shift and I felt his arm glide my back. "But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I think you two will eventually find your rhythm with each other. And he'll see all the unhinged madness and still he won't be able to do anything but fall in love with you." His voice was sweet, and I could tell he meant every word, but his eyes, God, they looked like someone saying goodbye without ever getting to ask you to stay.

I let out a long drawn out sigh as I spoke his name. "Oh Justin," I tilted my head to meet his eyes again. "I know we'll still see each other but I really am gonna miss these Hawaii nights." I gave his shoulder a soft kiss, I don't know why. It just felt like the right thing. 

"Oooh ducky…" his smirk deepened. He hadn't called me ducky this entire trip, it feels weird and nostalgic hearing it again. 

Ducky was the girl I used to be. The sheltered, scared, doe eyed girl who was afraid to move past her moms casted shadow. Who's most rebellious thing was wearing cartoon animal thongs because her mom would never see them. Who was afraid to stand up for herself during a work meeting but did so anyway with shaky hands. Always arguing with her work enemy now turned secret friend with timed benefits. Ducky. 

I couldn't help but to laugh thinking about our past work relationship, how tumultuous it was and how I oddly missed him calling me that. "You haven't called me that in like weeks." 

"You probably thought I forgot huh? So did you really throw it away?" His eyebrow perked slightly, I could tell he was being playful but hiding something underneath it. 

"You're never gonna let me live that down huh? But fyi I threw it away that same day. I could never be caught wearing a cartoon animal thong ever again." I covered my face, from the shame, from the past, from all of it. 

"It's my job to never let you live it down. But now I'm a little sorry I never got to see the entire picture." He wiggled his eyebrows and winked at me. 

I gave him a small shove but laughed all the same, I noticed we still had some wine so I took the last sip. "You really missed out too. The front part of the thong had a full image of a rubber ducky, sooo cute you'd want to kiss it." I teased him back, offering the same wiggly eyebrows and wink. 

He didn't respond right away. Just looked at me for a beat too long, like he was trying to imagine something. 

"That's another thing I'll miss kissing." His smirk deepened and I couldn't imagine he'd still want to do anything after the exhausting day we had. 

From getting caught by Jacob to getting so lost in each other he finished inside me to helping with the proposal to getting plan b. I lost my breath just thinking about the eventful day we had. But he wasn't wrong, that's something about us that I was really going to miss. I wasn't sure I was ready to admit that to him though. 

We held eye contact for a while, neither of us said anything. All we could hear were the bugs of the night singing and the waves that were crashing a few feet in front of us. And at that moment all I wanted to do was kiss him one more time. Finally close this chapter for good. We still had a few more days in Hawaii but we both knew we had to end us here. But neither of us made the first move, instead we just silently watched each other, letting the moonlight filter through us. 

Until finally words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. "I'm really going to miss you, Justin." Even though I said it earlier this time it hit a different nerve. 

Because he definitely understood what parts I would miss about him. About us. The parts we never say out loud, the stolen moments, the lingering glances. How he would have my clothes ready on the bed after I would go pee. The gentle moments like washing my hair because I was too tired. The things that went unnoticed under all the heat and magnetism between us. Every time he agreed, without question—to flip me upside down and turn me inside out just because I wanted to try something wild. The tender forehead kisses he gave me when he thought I was asleep. The way he would tiptoe out of my room before everyone would wake up. The naughty messages we exchanged just for the fuck of it. How relentless his lips were against mine.