How to Break Into a Vault Without Trying
It was a crisp, clear morning in Orenth—birds singing, breeze calm, Fluff organizing tax receipts on the porch like a fluffy little accountant.
Rei was halfway through brewing spirit-root tea when Ellyn burst into the back room holding a scroll and looking too smug for someone not actively blackmailing him.
"Morning," she said. "Guess who's been invited to the Merchant Guild's high-security vault audit?"
Rei froze mid-pour. "Please say literally anyone else."
She handed over the scroll. Official gold seal. Red silk string. Addressed to:
> "Rei Valen, Esteemed Beast Tamer and Economic Stabilizer"
Rei frowned. "What is an economic stabilizer?"
"You stopped three noble guilds from collapsing last week by refusing to sell them Fluff-themed plushies unless they formed a price-sharing alliance."
"I did that because they were arguing in front of the tea shelf."
"Well, the Merchant Guild thinks you're a market genius."
"They're wrong."
"And they're holding a massive auction this week," Ellyn continued, "and they want you to inspect their beast vault to prove the security system's legitimacy."
Rei stared blankly. "So, let me get this straight. They want a guy who literally fell asleep on his own herb crates twice this week to inspect their magical security system?"
"Yup."
"That vault is going to explode."
---
The Orenth Merchant Guild's central vault wasn't a building. It was a fortress.
Towers enchanted to repel lightning. Walls lined with mana-sapping steel. Dozens of magical beasts patrolled the perimeter—each tagged, trained, and grumpy.
Rei stood at the front gate wearing his usual cloak, holding a folder full of "inspection questions" Ellyn made up on the way over. They included things like:
"Have any beasts gone feral lately (define feral)?"
"Do any vaults hum when approached?"
"Has Fluff ever sneezed near your walls?"
A Guild official met him at the entrance—a short, tidy woman named Mira, who looked like she could beat up a wyvern with paperwork.
"We appreciate your insight, Master Valen," she said with a curt nod. "This vault contains magical items worth more than the yearly tax revenue of five cities combined."
"Great," Rei muttered. "Let's hope it stays that way."
---
The inside of the vault resembled a bank married a cathedral and had children made of stone and paranoia. Magic shimmered in the air. Runes etched into every wall pulsed gently.
Rei walked past enchanted chests labeled things like:
"Soulgem – Do Not Drop"
"Temporal Core (Untested)"
"Cursed Collar – Do NOT Wear. Seriously, Brett."
Fluff sat on his shoulder chewing a ginseng stick.
Mira escorted them through each vault chamber with robotic efficiency, pointing out each containment rune, ward field, and beast-guard rotation pattern.
"Nothing has ever breached this vault," she said proudly. "Not since the Great Meltdown of 421."
Rei raised an eyebrow. "That's an oddly specific century-old exception."
"There was a mimic. We don't talk about the mimic."
---
Despite the overwhelming security, something about the place bothered Rei. The air felt... tense. Not magically—spiritually.
Fluff twitched slightly as they passed a sealed hallway marked "Experimental Bonded Artefacts – Restricted."
"What's in there?" Rei asked.
"Old prototypes. Abandoned relics. Some unstable bonded weapons. We don't open that wing anymore."
"Who has access?"
"Only the Vaultmaster."
"Where is the Vaultmaster?"
"On sabbatical."
"That's suspicious."
"No, it's policy."
"So is avoiding paperwork, and yet here we are."
Suddenly—alarms blared.
A guard ran in: "SOMEONE'S BREACHED THE INNER SEAL!"
"What?! How?!" Mira shouted.
"Experimental wing! Lock runes are failing!"
Rei stared. "I didn't touch anything!"
"You were here! It has to be you!"
"I don't even know how to break into a vault!"
"You're holding Fluff! That's already illegal in three districts!"
Fluff let out a soft brrrp and several crystals flickered.
"…Okay, fair."
---
Inside the breached experimental wing, the group found a shattered containment chamber. Runes cracked from the inside.
Mira's face went pale. "That vault held the Echo Fang."
"Sounds ominous," Rei muttered.
"It was an unfinished bonded weapon. Made to mimic other beasts."
"So basically… a smarter mimic."
"Yes."
"And you locked it in a vault labeled 'Do Not Use?'"
"Yes."
"And left it there. For years."
"Yes!"
Rei turned to Kreg. "Why does every institution have the common sense of a wet leaf?"
Then a Guild officer rushed over. "We found a beacon tag near the breach. Says... Property of Fluff Co."
Rei's jaw dropped. "What."
"It has your bunny's seal!"
"He made it himself!"
"So he's sentient?!"
"Technically? Yes. Legally? Unclear."
---
They found the escaped weapon in the Hall of Reflected Bindings—a chamber of mirrors used to test resonance compatibility.
At the center stood the Echo Fang—a sleek, silver-furred beast with mirrored scales and eyes that shimmered like oil.
It turned to Fluff and shimmered—its form began to change.
"It's copying him!" Mira gasped.
"That's a terrible idea," Rei said.
The mimic-bunny began to glow… then crackled violently.
"It's trying to become a being with divine passive aura," Rei muttered. "This is like trying to fit a lightning storm into a teacup."
The mimic twitched, puffed up, and—
BOOM.
One golden pop later, only a scorch mark shaped like a potato remained.
Fluff licked a paw.
---
Back in the main chamber, Mira paced.
"Six fractured walls. Nine broken wards. One exploded mimic. Two melted circuits. And someone labeled a cursed crystal 'Fluff's Snack Box.'"
"Ellyn," Rei sighed.
"I should fine you."
"I didn't do anything!"
"Your bunny did!"
"He has a license now!"
"He doesn't have liability insurance!"
Fluff sneezed.
A broken rune lit back up.
"…He also has auto-repair aura?"
"I've given up defining him."
---
The next morning, Ellyn posted a new sign:
> FLUFF CO. – WE ONLY BREAK VAULTS ACCIDENTALLY
Now with:
Divine aura patches
Mimic-repellent incense
Legal disclaimers
"We are never getting invited anywhere again," Rei groaned.
"Not true," Ellyn replied. "You just got invited to speak at the Interkingdom Beast Negotiator Symposium."
"That's not a real thing."
"It is now. You're the keynote speaker."
---
Meanwhile – Shadow Council of Nobles
In a hidden room, cloaked nobles gathered beneath a tapestry of Fluff's face.
"We tried surveillance," one said. "It blinked back."
"We tried bribery. They sent us tea samples."
"We sent a mirror beast. It came back fluffier."
Lord Ferrick sipped wine. "We wait. The boy resists control. The bunny builds an empire. One day… the world will kneel."
---
That night, Rei sat under the stars, Fluff in his lap.
"I didn't want this," he said. "I just wanted peace. A garden. Maybe a hammock."
Fluff licked his hand and headbutted his chest.
Rei sighed. "Okay. I'll keep going. But you're doing half the paperwork."
Fluff nodded solemnly.
Somewhere, a distant guild clerk fainted from divine energy interference.
---
Fluff Co. survived the vault incident.
Rei wasn't technically blamed.
The Merchant Guild sent a gift basket labeled:
> "Thanks For Not Causing More Damage – Let's Never Speak Of This Again."
Fluff received three job offers from foreign kingdoms.
He declined with a paw-stamped reply:
"I Already Have a Shop."