It started, as most disasters do, with a strongly worded letter.
It arrived in a puff of green smoke. The envelope smacked Elias in the forehead mid-breakfast, then politely burst into song.
> 🎵 "To the Honorable Elias of House Elarien,
Your presence is humbly requested (read: demanded)
For a routine inspection of suspicious magical phenomena—
Also, maybe tea and cookies." 🎵
–The Society of Arcane Equilibrium (S.A.E.)
"Suspicious magical phenomena," Japer read aloud. "Are you the suspicious part or is it your dramatic ancestral soap opera magic?"
"I'm not going," Elias said flatly.
"They said cookies," Kael added.
"I'm still not going."
---
He went.
Under protest. With Kael, Elan, and a magically bribed Japer.
The Society greeted them in a perfectly sterile chamber lined with glowing white tiles and subtle, ominous hums.
"Welcome!" said a man who looked like a sentient jawline in a robe.
"I regret this already," Elias muttered.
The Society's head researcher, Professor Luxor, grinned far too much. "We just want to observe the magic inside you. Isolate it. Maybe borrow it."
"Borrow?" Kael asked. "Like a library book?"
"Exactly," Luxor beamed. "Except if the book screams and lights things on fire when you return it late."
Elias narrowed his eyes. "That wasn't comforting."
---
Then came the magic extractor.
A ridiculous-looking copper hat with antennae, gears, and a tiny flag that said I ♥️ SCIENCE.
"You're not putting that thing on my head," Elias said.
"You must!" Luxor cried. "It'll help us gently siphon off your excess power for study!"
Kael leaned over. "They're going to milk your soul, buddy."
Japer: "I told you we shouldn't have come. Now they're going to accidentally summon your dead great-aunt and get cursed with arthritis."
Elroin—who wasn't technically invited—appeared in the corner, sipping tea.
"Proceed," he said mildly. "This will be fun."
---
They strapped Elias in.
The machine hummed.
Kael looked deeply unimpressed. "If you explode, I'm not cleaning it up."
"I hate all of you."
The siphon blinked once.
Twice.
Then screamed.
A high-pitched, mechanical wail echoed through the chamber as Elias's magic rejected the machine like a bad organ transplant.
A swirl of glowing spectral great-grandmas erupted from his chest, brandishing ghostly soup ladles and shouting in six dialects of High Ancestral.
One of them smacked the machine.
Another smacked Luxor.
Then—
Boom.
Elias was unharmed.
The ceiling was gone.
The copper hat launched into orbit.
Kael slow-clapped. "That's the second dumbest magical idea I've ever seen."
"What was the first?" Japer asked.
"You agreeing to come here."
---
Elias stood in the smoldering aftermath, hair staticky, expression done.
"Can we all agree that I am not available for magical science fairs anymore?"
Luxor, covered in glitter and soot, moaned. "You violated the laws of logic!"
Elroin sipped his tea. "No, my boy just obeyed a higher law."
"What law?"
"'Do Not Touch My Descendant Or I'll Possess Your Plumbing.'"
---
Later that evening, Kael passed Elias a plate of cookies.
"Were they at least good cookies?"
"Kael, I was nearly soul-extracted by a Victorian ceiling fan."
"Fair."
They sat in silence a moment.
Then Elias muttered, "...The ghost grandma with the ladle looked like my cousin Thera."
Kael grinned. "Your family's terrifying."
Elias gave him a tired look.
"My family's literally protecting me with weaponized emotional baggage."
Kael raised a cookie.
"To family."