Chapter 26 : Questions without answers

Evan sat on the floor of his dorm room, legs crossed beneath his study table, his notes spread out like a messy puzzle he couldn't solve. The late afternoon sun slanted through the window, casting golden light across the floor, but it did nothing to warm the confusion churning inside him.

He had been trying to study for the past hour, but the words on the page refused to sink in. His fingers fidgeted with his pen as he sighed, leaning his head against the edge of the table.

His mind wasn't on school.

It was on Lucas.

That moment in the car.

The way Lucas had looked at him, eyes full of desperation, something unresolved lurking beneath.

The way his hand had gripped Evan's wrist and pulled him close, asking quietly, "Can I kiss you?"

And Evan had said no.

But it wasn't a loud no. It wasn't angry.

It was a confused, startled, scared kind of no.

He had asked Lucas to take him back to college, and thankfully, Lucas did.

But the look on Lucas's face had stayed with him all night. It wasn't the look of someone angry at rejection. It was the look of someone lost.. as if Evan had just shut a door that Lucas desperately needed open.

Evan buried his face in his hands, groaning softly.

"What was that all about?" he mumbled.

He didn't know what Lucas wanted.

He didn't know what he wanted.

Had it all been a joke? Some strange test?

Or was Lucas genuinely confused about his own feelings?

The problem was, Evan didn't have the answers.

Because deep down, he was just as confused himself.

His thoughts jumped again- to Mikael.

Unlike Lucas, Mikael had been clear. Gentle. Respectful.

He had told Evan outright that he had feelings for him.

Not in a dramatic way. Not to make him uncomfortable.

Just… honestly. Kindly.

Evan's chest tightened at the memory of it.

He liked Mikael. That much was true. Mikael was always there, when Evan forgot his umbrella, when he needed someone to sit with at lunch, when he wanted to walk home in silence. Mikael never pushed him. Never made him feel small.

But was that love?

Evan didn't think so. Not in the way Mikael wanted.

It felt more like… admiration. Warmth. Safety.

Like having a big brother who actually cared.

And that made it worse. Because now he was stuck in the middle of two people with feelings, and he didn't even know how he felt about himself.

He reached for his journal. The cover was worn from years of late-night scribbles. He flipped to a fresh page and stared at it for a while before writing:

"Maybe I'm broken.

I don't know if I like girls. I don't know if I like boys.

I don't even know what it means to like someone."

He paused.

Then added another line.

"Maybe I'm just scared."

He leaned back and stared at the ceiling.

He had never dated anyone. Not a single person, not in high school, not now.

People had asked, of course. Mostly girls who were curious, maybe dared by their friends. But he'd always said no.

Not because he didn't want love. But because love felt like something that belonged to other people, people who were stronger, taller, more confident. Not someone like him.

He thought about the way others saw him.

Too quiet. Too soft. Too nice.

He didn't fight. He didn't yell. He didn't flirt.

Some called him "nerdy." Others called him "freak."

And behind his back, some assumed he was gay.

Was he?

He didn't know.

He had never had crushes the way his classmates described them. Never felt butterflies or racing hearts when someone walked by. He'd always felt… neutral. Until recently.

Lucas confused him.

Mikael comforted him.

But neither gave him answers.

He sighed and stood up, walking toward the window. Outside, the sun was starting to dip lower, casting the campus in long shadows.

The truth was... he was scared to choose.

Because choosing meant someone might get hurt.

And he didn't want to hurt anyone.

Not Mikael, who had done nothing but be kind.

And not Lucas, who seemed to be fighting a battle even he couldn't explain.

He rested his forehead against the glass and whispered, "I don't even know who I am."

A knock sounded at his door. He didn't move. After a moment, it stopped.

Evan took a deep breath.

Maybe he didn't have to figure it out today.

Maybe it was okay to take time. To wait.

To feel confused.

Because what he was feeling, it was real.

And real things take time to understand.

He turned away from the window, walked back to his desk, and reopened his textbook.

His heart still felt heavy.

But for now, at least, he wasn't running from it.