Episode 30

I stepped off the plane with Sebastian's small hand clasped tight in mine.

It was early morning in Manila.

The airport smelled of floor polish and jet fuel—at least, that's what i remembered. I couldn't tell anymore.

The air was warm and heavy even before the sun really rose, the humidity like a blanket draped over our shoulders.

My son, my five-year-old hurricane of questions and boundless energy, was uncharacteristically quiet.

He held my hand but didn't bounce or fidget. His eyes were wide, scanning everything.

He knew this was big.

He'd watched me cry quietly on the plane, pretending to be asleep.

He was too perceptive not to feel the shift in the air around me.

"Mommy?"

His voice was soft, hesitant.

"Yeah, baby?"

He tugged my hand. "Is this home?"

I had to swallow before i could answer. My throat burned.

"It's… where we're from," I said finally. "I want you to see it."

He seemed to think about that seriously, then nodded like a little old man making a decision. "Okay."

Immigration was easier than i'd feared. I'd kept our paperwork in perfect order for this moment, terrified something bureaucratic would tell me i wasn't allowed back.

But they just checked our passports, smiled politely at Sebastian's shy Tagalog, and waved us through.

Baggage claim was a blur of conveyor belts and suitcases that all looked the same.

I balanced my bag on one hip, held Sebastian's hand with the other, trying not to let him see how hard my fingers were shaking.

He kept glancing up at me, solemn and curious.

"Are you scared?" he asked bluntly at one point.

I winced. Kids.

They didn't soften anything.

"A little," I admitted.

He squeezed my hand. "Don't be. I'm here."

I had to turn away and pretend i was checking the bag tag.

Because God help me, that made me want to cry all over again.

-

We stepped out into the arrivals area and the humid Manila morning hit us full-on.

Cars everywhere.

Barkers yelling.

Drivers holding signs.

Families hugging.

It felt like my heart twisted up in my chest.

I hadn't seen this place in five years.

I'd left with a suitcase and a plan i barely believed in.

And i'd come back with a son.

My parents didn't even know we were landing today.

I hadn't told them.

I couldn't.

I'd spent years shutting them out.

Ignoring their calls.

Skimming over their desperate emails with updates about Raphael.

I didn't even know if they'd want to see me.

But they'd see him.

They had to.

I spotted a taxi stand and led Sebastian over.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

I hesitated.

"Hotel first," I decided. My voice was low. "We'll rest. Then… we'll see Grandma and Grandpa."

He perked up at that. "Really? Today?"

"I think so."

He seemed satisfied.

The taxi ride was silent except for the driver's choice of tinny pop music. I watched the city blur by the window.

Nothing had changed and everything had.

The same vendors on corners.

The same traffic that didn't make sense.

The same haze of smog in the distance.

But it felt different because iwas different.

Because i wasn't alone.

I had a child with me who didn't know what it meant to be from here.

-

At the hotel, Sebastian explored every inch of the room like it was a playground.

I let him.

I sat on the edge of the bed, my hands clasped so tight my knuckles were white.

What was i even doing?

What if they slammed the door in my face?

What if they refused to meet him out of anger at me?

What if… what if Raphael somehow found out?

My stomach twisted.

He didn't even know Sebastian existed.

He'd be five years old, meeting his father as a stranger.

If that ever happened.

I pressed the heel of my hand against my eyes until i saw white.

Sebastian clambered onto the bed beside me, breathing hard from his exploration.

"Mommy," he said, poking my arm. "Why are you sad again?"

I lowered my hand and forced a smile.

"I'm just… nervous."

He tilted his head. "About Grandma and Grandpa?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

I took a deep breath.

"Because i haven't seen them in a long time."

He nodded solemnly. "Like you and Daddy?"

My heart stopped.

He'd never called Raphael that before.

Not once.

Not until now.

I swallowed so hard it hurt.

"Yes," I managed. "Like that."

He leaned his head on my arm, small and warm and so heartbreakingly mine.

"I'm here," he said softly. "Don't be scared."

And that was it.

The dam broke.

I pulled him against me and sobbed silently, burying my face in his hair.

He just let me, small fingers patting my back.

-

Later, when i'd cleaned myself up in the bathroom, I made the call.

My hand shook the entire time.

My mother answered on the second ring.

I hadn't heard her voice in years.

"Hello?"

"Ma."

Silence.

"Ma, it's me."

I heard her inhale sharply.

"Claudia?"

My voice cracked. "I'm here. In Manila."

Silence again.

Then, her voice broke.

"Oh my God."

-

We met them at a small restaurant near the hotel.

Sebastian was bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Are they nice?" he asked.

I nodded, heart pounding so hard i felt dizzy.

"They'll love you."

He grinned, confident. "Of course."

When they walked in, my mother stopped cold.

Her eyes went straight to him.

My father's mouth opened, then closed again.

For a second, no one spoke.

Then Sebastian piped up in perfect, careful Tagalog:

"Hello po. I'm Sebastian."

My mother burst into tears.

They crowded him immediately, touching his face, his hair.

He soaked it all in like a sponge, answering their questions in Tagalog, then in English, then switching to Mandarin just to show off.

They laughed and cried at the same time.

My father grabbed my hand in a silent squeeze that said everything he couldn't.

My mother just kept saying, "He's beautiful. He's so smart. My God, Claudia."

I tried not to cry.

I failed.

-

Later, after they'd stuffed Sebastian with halo-halo and chicken barbecue and a hundred questions, my mother turned to me with eyes that were red but clear.

"Are you staying?" she asked softly.

I met her gaze.

"Yes."

She didn't ask about Raphael.

She didn't have to.

She just nodded and took my hand.

-

That night, back at the hotel, Sebastian fell asleep tangled in the sheets, tired from meeting new people who already adored him.

I watched him for a long time, heart aching with relief and guilt and hope all at once.

I didn't know what would come next.

I didn't know if Raphael would ever find out.

If he'd want to.

If he'd hate me for keeping his son from him.

But that was for another day.

For now, i was home.

And so was Sebastian.

That had to be enough.