The Sect Next Door Declares War (Politely, With Paperwork)

Kaito was halfway through a particularly intense session of Advanced Horizontal Meditation—also known as napping on a bamboo recliner—when Elder Meng charged into the courtyard waving a scroll like it was on fire.

"They've declared war!" he screamed.

Kaito blinked. "Is it another audit?"

"No! Worse! It's the Cloud-Shattering Sect! They've filed a formal Sect Dispute against us!"

Kaito sat up slowly. "A what now?"

Meng unrolled the scroll. "It's a Form 88-Z: Inter-Sect Hostility Notification. We're being challenged!"

Kaito scratched his head. "But why? We're poor, lazy, and... barely functioning."

"That's why! They think we're an insult to cultivation and want to annex our territory. They called us... 'spiritually bankrupt squatters.'"

Kaito stared at him.

Then slowly leaned back.

"Well, they're not wrong."

The Broken Heaven Sect's leadership—meaning Kaito, Elder Meng, and whoever was awake—gathered beneath the plum tree to devise a plan.

"We can't fight them," Meng said, pacing furiously. "They have Golden Core elders! Formation Masters! Spiritual accountants!"

"I have a disciple who accidentally cultivated in his sleep," Kaito offered.

"That's not a defense!"

"Depends who you're defending against. If they nap too, it'll be a stalemate."

Elder Fan, still perched on the roof, raised a finger. "We could countersue for defamation."

Kaito snapped his fingers. "That's it. We hit them where it hurts. Their reputation."

"...With what army?" Meng asked.

Kaito grinned. "With paperwork."

Within hours, Kaito had filed Form 77-Q (Formal Dispute of Sectal Integrity), Form 120-A (Request for Remote Arbitration via Spirit Cranes), and the particularly devastating Form 404 (Complaint of Cultural Intolerance Toward Alternative Daoist Lifestyles).

Ping, the disciple who had once snored himself into a minor breakthrough, asked, "Master, do we even know how to fight?"

"We don't need to fight," Kaito said. "We need to annoy them into giving up."

Days later, a reply came via celestial pigeon. The Cloud-Shattering Sect had escalated matters by requesting an official Sect Duel—a contest of strength, reputation, and cultivation might.

"Wait. We're actually doing this?" Kaito asked, unwrapping the divine envelope.

Elder Meng paled. "If we refuse, we lose our land and are branded as cowards."

Kaito tilted his head. "That doesn't sound so bad…"

"Forever!" Meng added.

Kaito sighed. "Fine. We'll duel."

Ping blinked. "But… with who?"

Kaito smirked. "With them."

On the day of the duel, a delegation from the Cloud-Shattering Sect arrived—shimmering robes, flying swords, flawless skin, and all. Their leader, Sect Master Yao Jin, looked down his nose as if he were gazing upon an ant... on a bug... that had failed to cultivate.

"This is your sect?" he sneered. "I thought this was a storage yard."

Kaito raised a hand. "Excuse me, we aspire to become a storage yard. Right now we're more of an open-air retirement village."

Yao Jin scoffed. "We'll begin with a duel of disciples."

Lian stepped forward, wearing her battle uniform: a flour-dusted apron and a noodle bowl.

"She's your warrior?" Yao Jin laughed.

Kaito nodded. "She once boiled a Foundation Realm beast using only passive-aggressive cooking."

Yao blinked.

Then Lian threw a dumpling that exploded in spicy spiritual essence, sending the Cloud-Shattering disciple flying backward into a plum tree.

Kaito smiled.

[Ding! Slack Points +250][Sect Reputation Increased: +1 (From "Infamous" to "Questionable")]

The Cloud-Shattering Sect pulled back in frustration.

"Fine," Yao Jin hissed. "Let us duel sect leaders. That is the true measure!"

Kaito stood up, dusted off his robes, and stepped onto the arena platform.

"I accept," he said, "but we're doing this by Lazy Cultivation Protocols."

"Which are?"

"No weapons. No energy blasts. First one to stand up loses."

Everyone stared.

Yao's eyebrows twitched. "This is ridiculous!"

"I agree," Kaito said, already lying down. "Now lie down and let's duel."

Somehow, he radiated pure stillness. His Qi didn't pulse—it loitered. His aura didn't blaze—it sighed.

The Cloud-Shattering disciples looked uneasy.

One of them muttered, "He's not moving at all. Is he… transcending laziness?"

Yao Jin cracked. He stood tall, refusing to lay down.

[Ding! Duel Result: Opponent Refused to Participate. Victory by Default.][Slack Points +500.]

That evening, Kaito napped under the stars with a grin.

Elder Meng dropped a report in his lap. "We now legally own 4 more acres of plum orchard and a partially cursed koi pond. We won the duel. Somehow."

Kaito yawned. "We did it through the true Dao."

"What Dao?"

"The Dao of Doing Nothing and Still Getting Paid."