Chapter 3: Big Brains, Bigger Plans… Small Dick Crisis

Obito's lone eye remained locked on Madara Uchiha's face, watching closely… silently… until he was completely sure the old fossil had taken his final breath.

"…."

Stare.

Black Zetsu squinted. Something felt off. Obito hadn't said a word since Madara keeled over.

'So… is he dead-dead? Like, actually dead as fuck?' Obito wondered, still staring suspiciously at the dead Madara.

'Looks dead enough... but damn, I'm such a pussy. Why am I still scared?'

To be fair, standing inches away from Madara fucking Uchiha, even in his expired form, would make anyone hesitate. Even Bun Giggles, reincarnated troll-supreme, had to admit he was lowkey sweating.

'Can't even blame myself. I was just a regular-ass otaku last life. No plot armor. No chakra. No hoes.'

If it weren't for the full fusion with Obito's original personality and memories, he would've folded harder than a discount lawn chair.

'Madara, you saved me... but you also killed Rin. You taught me cool ninja shit… but also installed a loyalty curse into my damn soul. Real father figure behavior.'

Obito's lips curled into a smirk.

'The Eye of the Moon Plan? Cool concept. I'll carry it out...but not for your dumb dream illusion bullshit.'

"I'm gonna collect the Tailed Beasts, revive the Ten Tails… and then…"

"Devour it."

Yeah. Devour.

Not seal. Not control. Not share custody.

EAT. THAT. BITCH.

'You want me to bring you back? Nah. I'll let you die in peace. That's the most mercy I'll give. You won't get heartbroken by Black Zetsu again. Consider that my thank you.'

In his past life, Bun Giggles didn't have dreams. Unless you counted "anime girls with big tits doing the moon walk."

But now?

He could change everything.

He could do whoever he wanted.

Whenever.

Wherever.

"Your chakra or mine?" would be a valid pickup line.

He was going to be the mastermind behind the scenes...the puppet master pulling the strings of the entire ninja world.

And he'd have fun doing it.

No tragic redemption arc.

No final change-of-heart speeches.

No simping.

Well… maybe just a little.

Right now, though, he had something more urgent to deal with.

Obito suddenly looked down, and with a serious face… pulled down his pants.

"…Hmmm."

He gave it a quick inspection.

'Please don't be like Might Guy. Please don't be like Might Guy…'

This was no joke. This was the future of every MILF and kunoichi in this world. He couldn't afford to disappoint.

After some brief fiddling, he finally judged it.

"…About six inches. Average."

He scowled.

"Nope. Throw this disappointment in the trash. In anime terms, if it ain't swinging like a forearm, you're basically committing a crime against horny expectations!"

Good news? He could fix that later. Chakra enhancement, forbidden jutsu, sealing arts...he'd find a way.

"Let's put the dick enhancement on the agenda for later. Priorities first…"

Obito tugged his pants back up, finishing his very personal inspection.

He turned to face the dynamic duo of awkward silence: Black and White Zetsu.

They were both staring at him.

Hard.

"…Obito," Black Zetsu began, his voice a little slower, a little more cautious than usual.

"According to Madara-sama's plan… you need to subdue Nagato of the Rain Village. Then train him… to prepare for the resurrection… of Madara-sama."

He trailed off near the end, because yeah—they had both just watched Obito pull his junk out, give it a deep spiritual evaluation, and mutter something about forearm sizes.

'This guy has brain rot…' Black Zetsu thought grimly.

He glanced sideways at White Zetsu, who nodded back, equally disturbed.

'He's lost it. He's officially lost it.'

Obito caught the look... although he felt a little embarrassed but he waved it off.

"Nagato's Rinnegan does need training. But the plan order's changing. I need your cooperation, and your help."

He extended a hand to Black Zetsu.

"You're not Madara...but your will is his, right?"

"So I want to hear your thoughts on my new plan. If you're not on board, fine...we stick to the old one. Sound fair?"

Black Zetsu tensed slightly. That first sentence had his red flags doing cartwheels. But the rest? Reasonable.

'This guy... let's hear him out and see what he's planning. For now, it looks like things might go smoothly.'

"Fine by me."

Black Zetsu stepped forward cautiously.

"Glad to hear that." Obito smiled.

And then…

FWUMP.

A black box...coffin-shaped, swirling with void energy, materialized in midair like an Aizen special move. (Hado 90: Black Coffin vibes, 100%.)

Before Black or White Zetsu could react, it expanded instantly, engulfing them both.

The lid slammed shut.

SNAP.

Silence.

In less than a second, the massive void coffin sat quietly beside Obito.

"SIKE! I LIED!!!"

Uchiha Obito grinned wide...a real grin. For the first time since he landed in this blood-soaked anime hellscape, he actually laughed.

This time... with not a forced one nor a fake .

Just a deep, satisfied, villain-ass laugh.

Because this was it.

The moment he'd been waiting for.

He glanced at the box and muttered,

"That's what you get for judging a man mid-dick assessment."

The massive black coffin beside him thrummed with ominous power. This wasn't any regular sealing jutsu.

This was the Devouring Coffin.

A special ability granted to him after fusing with that cosmic, star-filled object back in his first life. It wasn't just edgy-looking...it was cracked beyond belief.

It could resist enemy attacks.

Trap opponents.

Smash them if needed.

But most importantly...it could devour.

Creatures, chakra.

And that wasn't all. The Devouring Coffin could also forge items. Extract energy. Become a mobile inventory from hell. A true multi-purpose demon box.

Worthy of its name.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Crashing sounds rang from inside the coffin, followed by the muffled, furious voice of Black Zetsu:

"What the hell is this?! Obito! What are you doing?! I am Madara-sama's will!!"

It wasn't until he had Black Zetsu completely trapped that Obito finally relaxed, let out a low chuckle, and spoke:

"Huh~... You've been alive for a thousand years and still can't figure out what I'm doing?"

Inside the black void of the coffin...untouchable, untraceable...not even the creepy voyeuristic Sage of Six Paths could eavesdrop on this little chat.

It was private.

Deadly private.

"Y-You... how do you know that?! You're not Uchiha Obito, who the hell are you?!"

Black Zetsu's voice was trembling now. The fear was delicious.

Obito smirked.

Then lowered his voice...just enough to sting.

"Heh… let me tell you, Black Zetsu…"

"I'm your DADDY."

"That's right. I'm gonna be your future stepfather. The man who would clap your mom's cheeks on a daily basis."

"Now speak to me properly, my son."

He chuckled darkly as the coffin pulsed.

"But see… I don't need that many chess players on the board."

"And you? You're a glitch. A parasite. A little backseat driver who thought he could steer the whole ninja world."

"Nah. That seat's taken now."

Obito placed a single hand on the side of the coffin, ready to finish him off.

"WAIT—!"

Black Zetsu's scream rang out, desperation finally creeping in.

But Obito merely smirked, his grin a perfect match for Sukuna's.

"Don't worry. I'll be sending your little chess buddies one by one to keep you company soon."

"Because as I said…"

"This world doesn't need chess players. Behind the scenes? There's only one now."

"Me."

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