Whispers of Chaos
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/"T-that was…"/
/"What in the Warp?"/
/"Waddahel? Wadda wada!"/
/"I… am speechless. Completely, utterly, speechless."/
Well, that was totally unexpected. A miniscule part of his brain prodded him about being totally spontaneous, acting on his feelings. Well, there's the delightful surprise he was looking for. He didn't see that coming.
The shock was wearing off. And there's the pain. And now the "WHAT DID SHE SAY?!"
/"Shin-"/
"Don't. I don't want to hear it."
The young teen stalked over back to where everyone else was, his limbs hesitant as rubber. Someone recognized his unsteady small frame easily.
"Hey! Boss! Hey!" Kobayakawa gleefully made his way over to him. "How's it feel, hey? We made it! My parents really like my grades now, thanks for that, boss." He nodded, though Shinji had yet to respond. "I saw ya going with Minase. First rank and second rank, sounds good huh? How'd it go?"
Shinji looked up with a hollow gaze. "…"
Though round and considered somewhat stupid-looking, Kobayaka wasn't that dumb about matters right outside the books. "Ouch." He scowled. "You want the boyz to do something?"
"No." Shinji shook his head slowly, trying desperately to clear his thoughts. "Any of you hits a gurl, I'll be the first ta krump ya in turn." Only puny grots need to slappa someone weaker.
"… and revenge, for something like this…? Being shot down… it happens," Shinji hiccupped. "Wots the worth of flyin' if there ain't no crashin', yah?"
Kobayakawa nodded. He swallowed Shinji's words like gospel. It was he that started the trend of calling Shinji 'boss'. However, it wasn't until the boy forgot and lapsed into another mode of speech that it really stuck in. Shinji was a scary little dude when he had to be.
That however was nothing, to da boyz he was scary in how much he knew. Whatever question they asked, he had an answer for. He set them up a standard of behavior that had them using their strength to help others rather than push them around. Da Boyz, as they became known, were the anti-bullies. They went around stompin' da respekt back into other would-be thugs.
Shinji was Da Boss. No ifs, no buts. What he says goes. It was a very small gang that knew about, and that was the secret that bound them together. Outside, the world saw a polite, obedient little boy growing into a fine young man. When around his boyz and no one else, he could relax, laugh and shout. And he told great stories. /'Ere we go!'/ was Da Boyz chant, as they walked the streets. /'Ere we go, were we go, not gonna knows till we gets dere!'/
The world was full of wonder, and it was the best feeling in the world to uncover it all with your best pals by your side.
He owed Shinji more than he felt he could actually repay. He actually got da respect from the littler kids and gud feelins' from those bigga. Kobayakawa could never gotten that the old way of doing things. Da Boyz got their own subsidiary formations of littler boyz, and the Gretz as a messenger squad. It was a community within a community, a select brotherhood of, well… boys (plus a few particularly awesomely ferocious girls), and it felt good.
"She sedd somefin' about a high-skoola waitin' for her," Shinji said absently. "Have a lookat dat."
"Sure thing, boss!" Kobayakawa enthusiastically replied, almost snapping into a salute. "You want us to stomps on him for a little bit?"
"Nah, just… curious. Just gather information." His gaze was so far away again. Da Boss had a tendency to space out like that. The boyz took that as a sign of dismissal.
Da Word passed quickly, and even as they went home they were happy at getting a direct order for a change. Things to do tomorrow, some hearts were singing. Things to do! Purpose and sense of belonging post-Impact fulfilled a most basic human need.
Shinji returned to his guardians, a fake smile plastered to his face. "Okay, that's done. Let's go home."
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He was not going to go throwing things. He was not! Mostly because the only things he could throw were his figurines and they were too valuable to waste on some little fit.
Shinji grabbed at the sheets of his bed and pulled at it until almost tearing. "RrraaaaAAHHHH!!" he snarled out. He then slammed his face into it, letting it soak his tears.
He had never felt anything so ugly. It swallowed everything. He dimly remembered saying a long time ago it was better when there was nothing he liked. When you valued nothing, you were like, invulnerable.
/'So you would rather not feel anything at all? That is foolishness!'/ counseled the Farseer. /'Nothing remains unchanged by the music of creation.'/
/'Leddit out, lil'boz. Nuddin's going to makes ya feel better dan a good STOMPIN'! WAAAAGH!'/
"How could she do that to me?" the teen sobbed. "Am I really such a bad person? Sure, I'm scrawny and weak, but…" He wailed. "Shinji is a Good Boy!"
He felt a mental slap.
/'Get a hold of yourself, commander! You're getting emo! You're breaking the fourth wall!'/
Shinji stopped to catch his breath. He blinked.
"Wait… what did you say?"
/'I said… uhm.'/ The Space Marine seemed to squeeze his face in concentration under the dim night lights. /'Get a hold of yourself. You're granted some ammo. Prayer may cleanse the soul, but pain purifies the body. What does this prove, but that the soul is weak? Only in pain and suffering do we stoke the fires of our spirit.'/
/'Endure.'/ said the Eldar softly, as if her pain resonated with his. /'And in enduring grow strong.'/
The young teen sat back up on his bed and sat there cross-legged. He took several deep breaths. No. The pain was still there. The rage was still there. Nothing he could do would simply make it go away.
"Why do you all sound little more respectful now?" he asked after a while. "You never gave me titles before."
/'Am I not your protector? Am I not born from the depths of your mind? You are the Primarch of my will, the bastion of my discipline! Command me, and I obey.'/
/'Wez ya thoughts, hummie. Ya saids to shaddap, so we did.'/ The warboss radiated disdain at the wordy gothic parlance. See? Short, to the point, orky. That was da proppa way to talk.
/'Never have we been anything but your helpers, Shinji.'/ The Farseer seemed to curtsy. /'What pleases you, pleases us. What hurts you, hurts us.'/
/'We felt it all!'/ came an oily presence. /'All of us. Your pain! It is OURS. And it is GLORIOUS.'/ Shinji looked up at the Chaos Marine standing on the shelf, its bolter still crossed over its chest. Its scarred face still looked fierce, but also oddly at peace. /'She HURT you, and we know how it is to hurt. The only way to make it go away, is for HER to hurt back.'/
Imaginary shouts erupted all around the room. /'Foul spawn of Chaos!'/ The Space Marine was understandably the loudest among them. /'I knew this! I knew this day would come. I knew you would wreak your temptations, but I say NAY! You will not succeed this WAY!'/
/'Wot da zog?'/ The Warboss seemed to stare cross-eyed at the lyrical turn. /'Look, just come down here so I can stabs ya.'/ he told the Chaos Marine. /'Ma lil'warboss is no squig-head to go stompins no puny feemie.'/
/'He will not turn,'/ the Eldar said in all confidence. /'It is easy to See the facile methods of Chaos.'/
Shinji hadn't realized it until then, but it was raining outside. In a brief flash of lightning, the Chaos Marine seemed to turn its head and sneer.
/'So he is to just accept it? Become a whipping boy? He is meant to be abused and be glad for it, a martyr without a cause?'/ The Chaos Marine began to laugh, booming for such a tiny figure, competing with thunder outside. /'Where is the respect, ork? Where is the justice, astartes? And where, you soggy old witch, is his choice?!'/
The three could not answer.
/'She disrespected you, oh my bright lord, and it is only justice to let her see the error of her ways. It is your choice to be a WIMP or heed the call of POWER. Your education is incomplete, intentionally so. THEY wanted to keep you WEAK.'/
/'That is a lie!'/ screeched the Farseer. /'I taught him all that he needed to know!'/
/'Did you? He may have needed only that much THEN, but this is NOW. Can you teach him all that he CAN do?'/
/'Just because one can… does not mean one must…'/
/'PAH! You all disgust me. I can complete your education, bright lord, and show you how to command rather than be commanded, to take rather than be deprived, to be revered rather than reviled!'/
"Um… isn't all that like, evil? I'd rather not do anything criminal, thanks anyway."
/'You know us, Shinji. Evil is a LABEL that only given by the other side. It cannot be TRUSTED to be impartial. People will tell you that evil is a slippery slope, and good a mountain. It is hard to do good, while so many do evil. This only says the natural state of man is EVIL.'/ The Chaos Marine seemed to grin. /'Are YOU evil?'/
"Heck, no I'm not evil!"
/'It can also mean INSTEAD that there are great goods, little goods. Great evils, little evils. There are many things, EVIL THINGS one can do to serve a Greater Good, but one must ask WHOSE good? The Imperium and its corpse of a God, the Orks and their ongoing wide scale murder, the Eldar and the many souls they so easily send to ignorant doom - MANY might call us ALL evil. We are only GOOD in the sight of those we serve. Methods are equal, it is the goal that casts it all in its light.'/
"Those are excuses. I'm not going to start worshipping Chaos and wishing harm to Minase-san." said Shinji with conviction. "I don't like the Dark Gods you serve."
The Chaos Marine laughed even more. /'Bright lord, it is YOU that I serve. I am only EVIL if and when you are evil. I am your SERVANT and only your will is my CREED. I am CHAOS! I am neither Good nor Evil. Chaos bids me serve you, and serve you I SHALL. I ask for NOTHING. I require for you to do NOTHING. I give you ALL, for such is the favor of CHAOS. It is already IN you, my bright lord, and it is how I speak.
/It is in you my bright lord, and it is the POWER that you SEEK.'/
"W-why do you keep calling me bright lord?"
/'Are you like the Dark Gods I once served? You are bright and limitless my lord. I will not ask as to their GOOD or EVIL, you shall shine either way. Ask for justice, and I shall give you justice. Nothing more. Nothing less. CHAOS shall serve you well.'/
Shinji was dumbstruck. He knew these conversations were all just in his head, he knew he did so to entertain himself, he knew their advice so far had been useful as they opened up possibilities he normally wouldn't think of. These visions... /ACCURATE/ is the only way he could have described them thus far.
Prophecy wasn't supposed to be so easy.
Outside the rains still fell, and the unrestrained sounds of a wounded nature continued to be the breath of an enraged wolf at his windows.
He had never expected his fantasies to turn out to be so thorough. He HAD been doing it for years now. He exhaled and sat up. "What can you do?" he asked it.
He could feel its triumph. He could also feel the truth in every single thing it said. Chaos was not an evil separate from him. His figurines could not, ever, force him to do any action against his will. It was his delusion, and it was only his choice to allow said delusions.
/'The last half of what the Eldar has wrought. That which continues to escape you.'/
The young teen stood up.
/'Wassat? Whys you lissnen' to dis Chaos-boyz? No need to make stuff all complicated and wot. Just bash somefin'! You'll feel betta, you'll see.'/
/'Commander, no! Chaos promises many things, and always have they led into ruin. Even the greatest of us all could not stand uncorrupted by its touch. Do this, and forever will it hold a piece of your soul.'/
/'Shinji! Remember!'/ the Farseer cried out, the most desperate among them. The Eldar knew its warping influence. Against it even their Sight could avail them not. Only the mon-keigh and their defiance of fate seemed able to beat it back, but always at cost of in themselves being the monsters they battle. /'We may only offer our advice, but ultimately it is you who must do these things. It is you and only you that must suffer. Turn back now and or these thoughts will consume you!'/
"I don't care!" shouted Shinji. He shot up to his feet and snatched the Chaos Marine off its shelf. He walked over to the window and stared at the howling darkness outside. He put the figurine down.
He stared at his own reflection in the glass. He was barely more than a boy just yet, his frame without physical power. The Chaos Marine stood there in mute steadfast obeisance.
Lightning flashed. Everything in nature, everyone he has ever seen, seemed more capable and more powerful than he was. No one truly wanted him, his guardians ached for their son, his father had no need for his own, and the first one he ever opened his heart to ripped his hopes to unrepentant shreds.
"Show me."
/'As YOU desire, my bright lord…'/
He slept well that night, no dreams at all. He stewed in his own newly-discovered brand of hate. In another time, he would have known of it much later, tamped down into the bursting savagery of the berserker. But only here was it pure and malleable.
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