An Instrument of Pain

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A light drizzle accompanied sunrise. The air was sweet, and a gossamer curtain of dew clung to the tops of trees and the edges of buildings in this seaside town. Purple foliage drifted down the mountain streams to greet this land of always-summer.

Shinji woke up late for once. Unlike other children, for the past few years his guardians never had to wake up him every morning to force him to go to school. Without an alarm clock, every day with regularity he woke up just as the sun crested the mountains.

He woke up and all was... silent?

Birds were chirping, above him was the ever-present chopping hum of the ceiling fan, in the distance he could hear a truck garbage truck, and all was... silent?

His head felt light and cool, as if there was some preposterous grim dark weight now lifted out of his skull, leaving only silken relief in the nerves right behind his eyeballs.

"…guys?" his looked over to his plastic miniatures, and in the morning glow they were simple unmoving plastic. It was the first time in many years that Shinji was alone in his thoughts.

[An Imprint Lost / Resin Dross]

Even the Chaos Marine had nothing to say. A sudden dread gripped the boy.

"Oh come on. Do you all hate me or something?" There was no response.

The young teen sighed. He shook out the last scales of sleepiness from his body and walked over to the window. He opened it up and let the air in. He took a deep breath of the salty-sweet morning air.

The world was all anew. Yesterday seemed so far away. Yes, he supposed he was just being silly. For far too long he'd structured his life around seeking Minase's approval, but now that he no longer needed to worry about it, it was a heady liberating feeling.

The memory still stung, but he could willfully avoid thinking about it. He was to be a high-schooler now. He supposed he was just growing up, and no longer had to rely on something else to do his thinking for him. "Congratulations, Shinji." said his uncle over breakfast. "How do you feel?"

[Mild Concern/ Middling Conversation/ To Work his Mind Wanders ]

He paused and really thought it over. "Empty, somehow."

The middle-aged man smiled. "Yeah, it's because you've been doing the routine so long that you don't know what to do without it. But change is good, Shinji. For now, just relax and have fun. You're going to go back to the old grind when the classes start again anyway, but for now society asks no more from children like you." Shinji's uncle waved at the air. "Best to enjoy this while you still can."

[Expectations Met/ The Prince is as He Promises]

Shinji nodded. He focused on his breakfast. With his brain feeling as if a partial vacuum, he was void of all the strong painful feelings of yesterday, and open to accept whatever new may come his way.

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Meanwhile, even as the young Ikari felt barren of purpose, other children were starting the day filled with spirit.

These were the adventures of Round Boy, Tall Boy, and Glass Boy.

Round Boy was Kobayakawa Mashita, who was rather plump for his age. However, his shape belied uncommon endurance. He was unofficially the second-in-command of the Boyz because he was the first to receive [Da Book] and the first to try and live completely by its rules. The results still continued to astonish him, fueling his innocent loyalty.

Tall Boy was Minato Kumi, who was freakishly tall for his age. His height meant that it was possible, with the right clothes and posture, to look as a teenager anywhere from thirteen to sixteen. He used be made fun of for his height, but with the Boyz he acquired the strength of will to simply… stand above… ignorance. They would never make fun of him for finding out he had a talent for acting. One also needs to be shamelessly brave to turn into someone else.

Glass Boy was the one who changed the most over the past three years. Yohta Asagiri was still a small boy, who now wore large glasses to look smarter. He was smaller than Shinji, and envied deeply how the other boy was both smart and feared. However, since he knew he could never really acquire that core of viciousness that little Shinji Ikari possessed, he could at least try to look more reliable. That made it easier to believe when you're talking the adults into giving you all sorts of loot for free.

It was still very early in the morning, and the air had that sweet taste of morning new. Sunlight filtered through the gaps in their little clubhouse. They built Da Boyz Hut at a corner of the farm Kobayakawa's grandfather owner.

"I'm callin' dis meetin' ta order," Round Boy announced. "We've a mission from Da Boss."

"Is this about Minase again?" Tall Boy huffed. "Girls are such a bother."

[In Fellowship Formed/ In Purpose Proud]

Glass Boy adjusted his glasses. "It is illogical for our leader to lose his senses over mere… prettiness, but it's not our place to question his orders."

"Wot?"

Glass Boy sighed and dumbed down his response. "Ey, who cares? A mission's a mission. Dis may be fun."

Round Boy nodded. "Boss said to me to look out for some guy in junior high that Minase likes."

Tall Boy took his feet off the donated desk. "Oy, is dis some Kommando type mission?"

Glass Boy thinned his lips. "We already have a Minase early warning system. Mebbe we could ask out Smaller Boyz contacts to ask their Big Bros."

"That's gonna take too long," Tall Boy whined. "Followin' the gurl around is the easiest way ta find out."

"You're just saying that because we have a tailin' budget. We shouldn't have to pay for your snacks and milkshakes just so you can walk around window–shoppin' and changin' clothes from the drops every fifteen minutes."

Tall Boy sniffed. "Sometimes I have ta wear a dress ta blend in. You have no idea of the sacrifices I have to do to get useful smarts."

"/Intelligence/, that's the proper word," Glass Boy noted.

"Spystuff~!" Tall Boy insisted.

"Hokay, dat's enuff a dat." Round Boy pushed them apart. "Let's just do whatevva and see wot happens."

"Sounds legit," Glass Boy agreed.

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At the opposite end of town, a certain Ayane Mitsugane woke up with the words of last night's phone conversation still ringing in her ears.

/"What's the point in clearing the way for you, if you don't have the courage to go down it yourself?"/ said Minase Houko.

/"I… I didn't ask for you to do this!"/ she shot back. /"There's no reason you had to be so… rude… about it. What if he starts to dislike me just because I'm your best friend?"/

/"Then that kid isn't worth your time."/ Ayane could almost see Minase picking her teeth with her pinkie fingernail, a very uncouth habit that the local 'princess' only showed in privacy of her own room. For a moment there, Ayane's thoughts was side-tracked by how much her best friend seemed to want to be a Yakuza princess instead of just some boring politician's daughter.

She shook her head. /"That's not how it works!"/

/"Aya-chan, you think you're in love, but the love you know is different from the love I know. A crush is made of dreaming and hoping, but real love is about passion and wanting it all not matter who or what stands in your way! If you're looking for acceptance, just go for it. This isn't anything worth thinking over so hard,"/ she scoffed./ "Do it or don't do it, I don't care. I'm not going to live your life for you."/

[A Little Bird in a Very Small Cage/She Does Not Sing/A Princess Who Cannot Exceed]

And then Ayane could hear was the metallic tone of hung line. She put the cordless phone down onto its charging station. There was something unsettling about how Minase could speak so confidently about love. She pulled her knees up to her chin and hugged herself in the dark.

She just wanted to be liked. Was that so bad? She felt she was not a very interesting sort of person, and sometimes it seemed she was like a lamprey just hanging on to Minase as she moved through life with the effortless composure of a shark.

They were best friends, but as much as Minase cared for Ayane, the girl felt that of course her friend also looked down on her a bit. She was completely sidekick material.

Courage.

She clenched her fists. Maybe Minase was right. She lacked courage. Ayane clenched her fists. But having courage is not equivalent to lacking kindness!

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And that was why, very early in the morning, she found herself on her bike pedaling across town.

[Too Much Hope in Grand Gestures/Only Sacrifice Brings Satisfaction]

She suddenly pressed on the brakes. Wait, was that-?

Ayane pulled the bike over by the sidewalk and turned around. A teenager in a grungy leather jacket was strutting down the street, his hair gelled into hard spikes with pink highlights.

"Hey, cutie!" the young street punk whistled at a woman passing by. She flinched and gave him a wide berth. He continued walking, exaggeratedly swinging his shoulders and legs, arrogant in the springtime of his youth.

Ayane shook her head. Obviously she was mistaken. Minato was a tall boy, but a nice boy. It was probably just some odd resemblance. She resumed cycling towards a certain house near the beach.

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Mitsugane Ayane knew where Shinji lived, through careful nonchalant interrogation conversation with his trio of friends. She knew the boys went over there every weekend to play.

Her nerves sparked with nervous frenzy the closer she approached. "What will I say…?" she mumbled to herself. "What am I doing? This is hopeless!" Her bike wobbled, and Ayane barely had any concentration to spare to avoid the puddles in her path.

"I'm apologizing for my friend's rudeness, but I'm also going to use that rudeness to make myself look good," she whispered to herself. "It's like lying, isn't it? Shouldn't I deserve to fail because of this selfishness…? Maybe I should just go back…"

Courage.

She arrived to hear music drifting out from Shinji's window. His playing was fast, as usual precise in the chain of notes, but she could tell it was bursting with an angry energy. She didn't know what expect at seeing him, and was relieved he looked at her by the door with only puzzlement and without puffy eyes.

"Of course," she thought. Boys don't cry themselves to sleep as she had. "Do they?"

A part of her resented that he would be so unaffected if she spent all that time unable to sleep with worry.

"Mitsugane-san, hello." Shinji smiled politely, but he seemed diminished somehow.

"Uh, we're out of classes now, Ikari-kun. There's no need to be so formal."

Little bits of amusement showed in his eyes. "Kinda hypocritical of you, isn't it, Ayane-san?"

Ayane adjusted her glasses and tried to hide her embarrassed blush under her hand. She looked at him from the corner of her eyes, and his relaxed stance by the door. Maybe even too relaxed? Was he in denial somehow?

"Please come in" he said. They entered to an empty living room. "So, what brings you around, Ayame-san?"

She huffed. She supposed that was the most she could get out of him. "Can we… talk?"

Shinji looked back over his shoulder. His guardians had all but vacated the premises. They were giggling like mad to learn a girl had decided to visit him. Why? He supposed grownups were weird that way. So easily amused. It was quite pathetic, really.

His uncle went off to work, and his aunt went out to hang laundry at the back yard.

"Are we friends?" Ayane asked as she sat on the couch.

"Um, I guess so? I mean, yes. Yes we are."

"I… see. So may I just call you Shinji, and you could stop calling me Mistsugane-san or Ayane-san?"

"If that's what you want." He tilted his head slightly. "Ayane."

Ayane clapped happily, clenched her fists and went 'Eeeee!'. She quivered in her seat. Then, after a few excited moments, she stopped and turned to face him again. She gave him a very serious, thin-eyed look. Shinji was blinking, wondering how he never noticed she was this bipolar before.

"Shinji. I heard about what Minase did to you. That was such a mean, nasty thing to do! You deserve better than that!"

"Oh. So I suppose she told you, then?"

She hesitated. "Well, it wasn't that much, but everybody saw the difference in how you looked before and after your talk. Oh, Shinji!" she felt her eyes tearing up. "Everybody knows!"

He winced. And he imagined Kobayakawa would have gone blabbering on about it to his closest friends, and with a Gretchz nearby it was certain another silly rumor would be flying all over the town. There went his hope the fact-finding mission would be carried out low-key.

He put his face into his palms and sighed. "Oh, well. There's nothing to be done about it."

"You shouldn't say that!" she almost yelled. "Just because she's pretty and rich doesn't mean she gets to treat the rest of us like we don't matter. What she did to you was just… wrong."

"I guess she could have been nicer about it…"

"How do you feel about it? Are you angry?"

"Maybe a little." Shinji sucked in his breath. "It's just... I tried my best. What am I doing wrong? Why am I still not good enough?! I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Will I ever be good enough?"

Ayane's eyes shone. /'That's exactly how I feel!'/ She fought to suppress an excited squeal.

Instead, she said "I really don't understand why Minase wouldn't at least like you a little."

"Um. Wait, so she actually dislikes me?" That whole friendly rivalry thing for the top student, did he accidentally piss her off by beating her grades sometimes? Maybe Minase was pissed off from him being the "Number Two" so often, she thought he was holding back on purpose? Shinji scowled. That would have been very disrespectful.

"For someone who wants to be female crime boss, I don't get why she doesn't go for a face so well-suited to organized crime," Ayane muttered.

"My face is what?!" Now it was Shinji's turn to recoil in surprise. "Is this the sort of thing girls actually talk about?" A terrifying mystery was slowly unveiling!

Ayane blushed again. "No! Forget I said anything!" She clenched her fists again and continued "Why not you? You're kind, and smart, and gentle… and cute…"

Despite her determination, tears were starting to well up in her eyes. She doggedly pushed through. "…and you don't deserve to have your feelings thrown aside just like that! You should… you should know that you're not disliked by everybody. You should know that there are others who can care for you as much as… you were so brave, at least.

I wish I could be so brave…"

"Ayane…"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but-"

"I already know."

She looked up sharply, her eyes wide behind her frames. "What?" she gasped. Her face burned. Of course he would know. But then, why didn't he ever say anything before? That was cruel too. She bit her lips. Boys could be so cruel so carelessly.

"But there's really someone else."

The girl nodded, and took out a handkerchief. "I know that too. I just can't compete can't I? I'm not as smart or pretty or sophisticated and…"

Shinji can sense she was about to enter into familiar territory and decided to head her head off at the pass. "No. MINASE has someone else." He shrugged. "So I can't stand in the way of that."

Ayane looked up again, her face open with shock. "She does?"

"She does." Shinji didn't know exactly why, but recounted word for word what happened. He relished speaking about the ugliness behind the façade he had worshipped for so long.

"T-that's scandalous! How long do you think this has been going on?" The best friend stood up and began pacing. "Seriously! What could she have been thinking! You only asked her out to eat…"

"Strawberries."

"Eat strawberries." the girl nodded. "With milkshakes?"

"Of course."

"Okay. That's not very thrilling date, Shinji, you have to admit. But it's good to start slow!" She raised a fist to the window. "To have someone waiting for her already in high-school? What is she thinking?! What is she doing?!"

"I'm not sure. I can't really say I understand her motivations, but…"

"But?"

"That's what really annoys me, you know? That she just dismissed me so completely. She didn't even bother to tell me what I was doing wrong. It hurts to be rejected, it hurts to be criticized, but being insulted for simply being me… Who the hell does she think she is to tell me who I am?! I should be sad, but I'm just happy that I don't have to deal with her anymore."

Shinji leaned forward, put his elbows over his knees and laced his fingers together. "So in some way, I recognize what she was trying to do. A clean break." Then he glanced aside to Ayane. "But if she dismisses me like that, now I wonder what sort of person she actually likes."

"Someone older?" Ayane licked her lips. "But what does that mean? Someone older, taller, more handsome?" She frowned. "I… don't see it. Minase actually hates pretty boys."

"Minase wants something. I have a strong feeling she's the one to start it off. Maybe it's something of a status symbol. Maybe it's an attempt to feel stronger and more in control. Maybe he's really just more handsome. I don't mind if I'm not as thrilling." Shinji shrugged. "I don't think they both know what they're doing."

He sighed and rubbed at his face. "We're too young."

"You… don't sound young." said Ayane. That had always been what drew her to him. That super seriousness, with eyes that seemed to want to peel you apart to get to the core of your being. She wondered what it would be like to be cherished not just for herself but for everything she could become.

Shinji laughed, but sadly and at himself. "A part of me always feels like ten thousand years old." He took a deep breath and leaned back. "Or it might just be undigested cheese."

The girl did not know what to do with this more casual, more playful Shinji. She felt guilty, but it was perfect. It was like everything was made for this chance.

"No, I don't think we should be going out." said Shinji, still with his head slumped back over the chair and almost asleep.

Ayane felt her heart stop. So THIS is what that felt like. She could finally, truly empathize. It hurt so much!

"What are we, Ayane-san? Aren't we friends? We are still so young, why change that? So why mutate this comfortable connection we have to something we can't really [See]?" He raised a hand, and made little flitting motions. "Feelings are like butterflies… let them fly as they wish, and they return to that flower time and again."

Ayane snorted in amusement. How so utterly characteristic of him. She could deal with this. "Usually people say that about horses. Set it free, and if it returns, it's yours forever."

He lifted his head and blinked owlishly at her. "They do? I didn't know that."

She giggled and sat back down, kicking her shoes off. She copied his lazy slouch on the chair. "So… what should I do?" she asked him, while staring at ceiling too.

"Hmm? Do?"

"Yeah, you're free, Shinji-kun. Whatever you want, let's do it. What you want me to do, I'll do it. We're friends and that's what friends do."

"Umh, you're describing more like a minion, actually."

"If that's the sort of game you want to play... then command me, your most loyal minion!" She giggled again and clapped her palms together over her face.

Shinji sighed and let his eyes remain unfocused. He was pretty sure he had one (or three) of that already, but said nothing to spare her feelings. The future was closed to him. What did he really want? Others made it their choice to make his wants their wants. The more pertinent question would be: what could he possibly want from another person?

Let's just hang out. That would be the simplest, easiest, and most productive request. A deeper friendship is born from simple companionship. His mind was now fresh and empty of all expectations, and numb, and dark.

He exhaled.

"Ayane?

"Yes?"

"I need you to go now." He didn't need to see her face to know she looked hurt. "I need you to go out and tell Minase I don't hate her. She might not care about what I think, but I need you to tell her to be careful. This is not a threat, this is just honest concern about what she's doing behind her parent's back. No, don't stand up. Not exactly now. Please go home and think carefully about what you'll say. We both know she's not going to take it kindly. She will mock you. She will mock me. So please prepare yourself well. We can talk later when we've cleared the air."

Shinji wanted to curl up into himself in disgust, but his body felt too loose and relaxed. These words, dripping with manipulation like sweet oil, there and so obvious and yet she couldn't see it. She refused to see it. Instead what could only be described as sheer determination filled her. Joy, at simply being needed. And power, as if his will and wisdom was pouring into her being.

[An Instrument of Pain/Is Better Pliant/To Trap, Not to Cut]

Courage!

"I will…" she said. "T-thank you, Shinji."

He smiled thinly as he bade her goodbye.

Ayane grinned as she got back on her bike. Right. Minase had gone for too long without someone telling her off. If she didn't think her best friend had the right to ask about what she's trying to do, trying to grow up too fast, then what are friends for?

"I need to be strong enough to stand up to Minase, but wise enough not to destroy our friendship just to feel superior. Shinji forgives her, so I will forgive her, but she has to know why she needs to be sorry."

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Sometime later, Kobayakawa arrived. He bounded into the house with his usual fervor, moving with deceptive quickly for someone so plump. "Hey, boss! Got news boss!" he called out after being shown in.

"More of your friends, Shinji?" said Shinji's aunt. "I have some more rice cakes. Would you like some?" she asked the rotund boy. She got a happy nod in return.

Shinji put away the little eye-within-a-star symbol he was carving from soap. His brain still felt like loose cotton, so light and free. "I think we should take a walk. Thank you, and could you please wrap a few in a plastic bag?"

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