Feelings

As I was pondering if Aaron had time to rest, I came to realize my own feelings for him.

Every morning in school, I would perk up my ears for the sound of his steady footsteps as he enters the classroom. Then I would listen to the sound of his chair being dragged from beneath his desk. He would plop his knapsack on the floor and sit quietly while reading a school book.

He would sometimes chat with a boy or two, usually Brent and James. Sometimes, girls would approach him and pretend not to understand our Math lessons. He would be accommodating anyone who asks for his help disregarding any hidden agenda from them.

Amidst these sounds and chatter I would be staring out the window which was just above my desk, pretending not to notice Aaron's presence. It's better this way. How embarrassing if he'd known how I would secretly admire his physique not to mention his handsome face. Blush! Blush! Blush!

While waiting for our first period teacher, everyone would be doing their own thing. My best friend, Brenda, would be reading her romance novel. Lizzie would be reading her teen idol magazine and Molly would be sleeping on her desk face down. We would make sure we were as quiet and behave in the classroom or else, as the top section, we would be admonished by the principal for being bad examples to the other sections.

During breaks we would always sit by the cafeteria window just in front of the covered basketball court, watching the boys play, not necessarily Aaron and classmates.

There were many handsome seniors scattered among the five sections, all competing for attention. Though Aaron had his fair share of fans and admirers he had kept his low-key personality.

Fortunately, our school did not discriminate against anyone who was not well-off. If one was academically excellent that person would be accepted as a peer. Thus, Aaron had never felt left-out.

So I had to pretend that I liked some athletic guy from one of the sections as not to be so obvious in my secret adulation of this Aaron person. I had even told my best friends to keep mum about it else, friendship over.

Boy, were they scared! I had been the only one who could give them free tickets to any basketball championship game all over the city. My uncle used to coach one of the national teams and he would still have some influence with the organizers.

Why did we love basketball? To watch those long limbs and torso twist and turn and fly gracefully as their owners shoot and dunk one ball after another. Hearing the swishing sound of the basket after a three-point shot had been music to the ear. We'd jump up and down in excitement!

We would watch the school's basketball intramural in the afternoon only if Aaron's team was playing against the team of my imaginary crush, the one I said belonged to Section B. Even though I did not know any guy from there, I would cheer for the other's team which, I soon learned from James and Brent, baffled Aaron. We were classmates after all.

"So which one of those guys do you admire?" James asked, referring to the players of Section B, one half-time break. My best friends and I were sitting just behind Section A's bench. Aaron was talking to the coach a few feet away.

"Secret. Why do you need to know?" I asked quite annoyed. What is it with you guys that you had to be curious about our crushes? I, for one, had never been interested with whoever these boys liked.

"It's not me. It's Aaron. He's been pestering me about the identity of your crush." Grabbing a bottle of water from Lizzie's open bag.

"Hey! That's mine. You have your own supply." Lizzie grabbed the bottle before James could even turn the cap open.

"Well it's too far away," complained James. He called out to Brent to pass him a bottle of water. With one large hand he was able to catch the bottle Brent threw at him at a distance of eight feet.

"It's not like he can do anything about it," Molly said as she opened a bag of chips and stuffed a few into her mouth.

James saw the bag of chips and dug in as well. "Sure. We can't do anything about it, but we can do something about him." James gave off a mischievous smile and a deadly aura. Was he going to bully someone for the sake of his friend?

I rolled my eyes. This is really stupid. I rubbed my forehead with my fingers. How did it come to this? Why did they have to meddle with my affairs? Can't I even enjoy ogling secretly your friend even as I pretend to like someone else?

Hmm, this is getting to be complicated. Is my stupidity getting to me now?

Or, do these guys want me to confess to Aaron instead? Shouldn't it be the other way around? But what if he only liked me as a friend?

During this period of my life, I realized that even teenagers have their worries. I thought we were immune to that.

After the game, our team won. Of course, it was inevitable. Most of the powerful players were in our section. I was euphoric deep down inside but my face displayed disappointment. I had to pretend again that I was cheering for the other team.

My girl friends had been eyeing me as we left the covered basketball court. I walked out with a bowed head but had taken a glimpsed of the expressions of wonder in their faces. I showed them a hint of a smile. They already understood that I was in my "acting mode."

I felt Aaron stole glances at me, trying to read my mind. Was I disappointed because Section B lost? There was a tug in his heart and his breathing had become unsteady, as if something was weighing him down. He could hardly breath.

"Let's treat the girls," James volunteered. He was in a very happy mood. "Since this is our third win, it calls for a celebration." He had caught up with Lizzie and draped an arm over her shoulder. Lizzie twisted James' hand and shoved it away.

"Eww! You're perspiring. At least wipe yourself dry before you do that," Lizzie said in disgust. James rubbed the painful hand and used it to tug at Lizzie's hair then ran away. Soon Lizzie ran after him, ready to hit him with her bag. We all laughed as we watched them fool around while heading towards the cafeteria.

James and Lizzie have been sweethearts since junior high school and seemed like they will never part. After university studies, they got married and pursued their masters at the same time.

Watching those two very sweet to each other, I had been truly envious.

I had wondered how it would be like if someone cared for me, humored me, walked me home from school...I had been imagining all the 'ifs' of a beautiful and strong romantic relationship.

The four of us had waited on our seats while the boys got the snacks for us. When they left we talked about the game, the up-coming final games and our third quarter exams. Before Brenda could even ask me how I felt when we won the game, the boys had arrived carrying trays of snacks and cans of soda and a bottle of orange juice.

Aaron stood beside me and placed the bottle of orange juice in front of me together with one of my favorite snacks. Surprisingly, he even knew about my beverage preference and the cheese bread with cream filling I loved to eat after every game. I looked at him timidly and thanked him with a faint smile. He smiled back.

I was ecstatic. I could hear my heart thumping but so afraid that he would hear it, too. And when his arms brushed against mine as he settled himself on his seat, I could feel a tingly sensation on that part where our skin touched.

Yes, I had liked him during senior high and even after that. Though he had been poor, he had always been independent, responsible, patient and persevering. These things had made me admire him even more. He had been more mature than all the other boys I've known. I could only imagine the kind of future he would have: success and stability.